Now that Rick Perry’s out of the race and back in Texas—I recruited neighbors to spell out WELCOME HOME MR. GOVERNOR in my front yard so he could see it from his plane—some in the national media are calling him “damaged goods.” That’s outrageous. If anything, Perry comes back stronger than ever, a man who successfully fooled everyone into thinking he actually wanted to be president of this stupid country instead of Governor for Life of the most awesome state in the history of the universe. Why wouldn’t we reelect him?

In running for president, Perry forced us to reexamine our feelings toward him. It’s like when your high school boyfriend goes off to college and you sit around in your cheerleading uniform pining for him, jealous of all the coeds you assume are trying to steal him away from you. Sure, maybe he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend but in his absence you realize that he’s the only one you’ve got. (Obviously this is not a personal anecdote. Boys didn’t give me the time of day because they thought I was somebody’s kid sister from junior high. Even though our lockers had been next to each other since freshman year and I reintroduced myself to them every morning.)

There is talk of Perry running again in 2016 assuming Obama wins. We can’t let that happen. Everything I said about Perry on this blog was just a thinly veiled attempt at hiding my true feelings for him. The idea of sharing him with the whole country was unthinkable. They never deserved him. We’re the ones who keep voting him into office. We deserve him.

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