Apparently I dressed up for nothing because House Committee assignments and chairmanships won’t be formally announced until tomorrow afternoon. Since there was a chance that I would head over to the Capitol today, I wore something besides denim. What the Lege fails to appreciate, obviously, is that I don’t have much in the way of big-girl clothes and when I wear my big-girl clothes just to sit in my office and pop cinnamon Altoids, it means that I am down to two somewhat adult-looking outfits. It also means that I am hoping that people have very limited short-term memories and won’t notice that I’m wearing the same dress twice in three days.

I have asked Evan on more than one occasion for professional wardrobe and makeup but have had limited success, which is to say, none. I then remind him that it was in my contract, and he reminds me that I never had a contract, which always ends with me saying I BEG TO DIFFER and harrumphing out of his office, as he shouts after me, isn’t that coffee stain on your skirt from YESTERDAY?

As for the committees, there’s really only one I’m interested in. The Committee of Misfit Toys. To be chaired by Tom Craddick.

Mr. Marshall Kenderdine, the obsession of many a Burkablog reader, just called me to tell me that he is not going to go work for Speaker Joe Straus.

In a stunning career move, he said he’d rather, you know, make money. Kenderdine said he will continue lobbying for the good of the state of Texas. A former House Appropriations analyst, Kenderdine had worked closely with then-Chairman Jim Pitts, and he didn’t like how Pitts and Brian McCall were treated by some of the lobby after challenging Tom Craddick.

Now, in the interest of journalistic ethics, I’m not going to name names but I’ll give you a hint—they’re assholes. Does that narrow it down for you?

“I don’t think lobbyists should be involved in Speaker’s races,” Kenderdine said. “But I think Straus is great, and the House will be a hell of a lot better… I actually thought about being budget director until I found out there was a shortfall and I’d have to cut those poor state agency budgets.

“I’m just getting rocking and rolling with my clients now,” he continued. “At some point, maybe I’ll go back [to the Legislature].”

Kenderdine called me as he headed out to a South Texas ranch (name of ranch withheld to prevent stalkers). “Look, it’s a Friday afternoon, and I’m going hunting and drinking Miller Lites.

“If I were working for Straus, I’d probably be in a meeting or something.”

Now that Speaker Craddick has been forcibly removed from the dais (although he’s been playing hide the gavel for quite some time now) (that’s what she said), everyone’s wondering where his new office will be. The Capitol Extension? Or the cold, dark, and dreary catacombs beneath the Capitol Extension, currently occupied by a a disfigured musical genius who terrorizes the House floor by crashing chandeliers and kidnapping female ingenue legislators?

It’s tradition for a dearly departed Speaker to trade offices with the new Speaker, which would leave Craddick with Straus’s very small office in the annex. Humiliating. Especially given that it’s already inhabited by squatters.

However, House Administration Chair Tony Goolsby is permitting members to swap offices with each other. Gross. According to QR, there’s a rumor that Frank Corte, who has a cushy spacious Capitol office, will trade with Craddick. OMG has anyone told Corte that he’s about to make a HUGE MISTAKE?! Don’t believe the rental description on Craigslist!

Great garden-level office for rent. Less than 22 minutes from the House Chamber (provided you’re speed walking). A charming space with easy access to� hearing rooms and fine dining like the Capitol Grill. DPS security included. Located conveniently off Dillo route. Available immediately!

When I first started blogging in 2005, the Texans for a Republican Majority PAC was being sued for using corporate money to elect more Republicans to the House. I actually went down to the Travis County courthouse to listen in because I wasn’t “working” so much as “using my blog as an excuse to sit on my ass.” I remember Speaker Craddick not showing up in court after claiming that he couldn’t remember whether he had shredded some incriminating documents. I don’t know about you, but if I had specifically shredded certain documents that I thought might incriminate me–like ripped them up and lit them on fire and threw the ashes into Town Lake in the middle of the night–I think I would have remembered. That day I thought to myself, this is a guy to watch.

And watch I did. For three long and painful years.

Of course, I knew of Craddick before 2005. When he defeated Pete Laney for Speaker in 2003, I was leaving the Legislature. (Incidentally, Rep. Talmadge Heflin was the incoming chair of Appropriations, and I was deathly afraid that he would pass a rider requiring all the committee staffers to GET IN HIS BELLY.) And thank God I left when I did, considering the 10,000 special sessions on school finance and the redistricting map to end all redistricting maps.

Back to TRMPAC. In September 2005, Craddick escaped indictment despite the fact that he “passed along” a $100,000 check to TRMPAC from some nursing home business. A nursing home? Who steals from a nursing home besides that dad in Say Anything? Nothing was more important to Craddick than maintaining a Republican Majority. Except maybe his million-dollar renovations bankrolled by lobbyists to the Speaker’s apartment.

But the Speaker did have his lighter side, as evidenced in this photo sent to me anonymously. If you’ve ever been a bridesmaid, you know how the photographer will urge you to do a “crazy pic”? And you stare at them blankly and do something stupid like giving the girl next to you the old rabbit ears? Yeah. Kind of like that.

However, I will always have a special place in my heart for Craddick, as he was the one who inspired the first of way too many When Harry Met Sally vignettes.

Dewhurst: There are two kinds of Speakers: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Craddick: And Speaker Pete Laney was low maintenance?
Dewhurst: An L.M. Definitely.
Craddick: Which one am I?
Dewhurst: You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance, but you think you’re low maintenance.
Craddick: I don’t see that.
Dewhurst: You don’t see that? (He mimics Craddick’s typical House rulings.) “Rep. Thompson, your point of order is respectfully overruled.” “Rep. Dunnam, for what purpose?” “Show the Chair voting aye.” “Show the Chair voting aye” is a very big thing for you.
Craddick: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Dewhurst: I know, high maintenance.

So I get an email from a Democratic source (notice I didn’t say trusted—I trust no one) around 5PM today saying that Rep. Joe Straus was getting ready to release at least 80 names for speaker. Of course, who’s home on a chilly Sunday afternoon besides, obviously, Burka? I was at Arbor watching “The Reader” because there’s really nothing like kicking off your week with a cheery romantic comedy about a 15-year-old boy seduced and abused by an older Nazi guard who psychologically scars him so much that he ends up looking like Ralph Fiennes later in life.

The latest headline? Joe Straus, Republican from San Antonio, has unseated Tom Craddick for Speaker. Bolded for dramatic effect. Here are the names, courtesy of Texas Weekly and the untrusty source who emailed them to me. (Like I can afford a subscription. Ross, help a sister out.) Straus needed at least 76 names but he released 85. As if to say, you know, BAM.

Alma Allen
Roberto Alonzo
Carol Alvarado
Rafael Anchia
Valinda Bolton
Dan Branch
Lon Burnam
Joaquin Castro
Norma Chavez
Ellen Cohen
Garnet Coleman
Byron Cook
Yvonne Davis
Joe Deshotel
Dawnna Dukes
Jim Dunnam
Craig Eiland
Rob Eissler
Gary Elkins
Kirk England
Joe Farias
David Farabee
Jessica Farrar
Kino Flores
Stephen Frost
Pete Gallego
Charlie Geren
Helen Giddings
Veronica Gonzalez
Yvonne Gonzalez Toureilles
Roland Gutierrez
Joe Heflin
Ana Hernandez
Abel Herrero
Scott Hochberg
Terri Hodge
Mark Homer
Chuck Hopson
Donna Howard
Delwin Jones
Jim Keffer
Carol Kent
Tracy King
Edmund Kuempel
David Leibowitz
Eddie Lucio
Diana Maldonado
Barbara Mallory Caraway
Marisa Marquez
Armando Martinez
Trey Martinez Fischer
Brian McCall
Ruth Jones McClendon
Jim McReynolds
Jose Menendez
Tommy Merritt
Robert Miklos
Doug Miller
Joe Moody
Elliott Naishtat
Rene Oliveira
Dora Olivo
Solomon Ortiz
Aaron Pena
Joe Pickett
Paula Pierson
Jim Pitts
Chente Quintanilla
Richard Raymond
Tara Rios Ybarra
Allan Ritter
Eddie Rodriguez
Patrick Rose
Todd Smith
Burt Solomons
Mark Strama
Joe Straus
Kristi Thibaut
Senfronia Thompson
Chris Turner
Allen Vaught
Marc Veasey
Mike Villarreal
Hubert Vo
Armando Walle

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know “much” about the “Speaker’s race,” but since the session is almost upon us, it’s time for me to start at least pretending I know something. This can be accomplished by nodding your head and looking pensive when someone mentions the race and saying, yeah, I heard that. Now get out of my office, Burka.

Luckily, there was a “Rocky” marathon on A&E yesterday so I have something to compare it to. (For those of you who are new to In the Pink, my affinity for all things boxing and especially boxing movies is well documented in the archives here and here. For those of you who are more interested in what I wrote about the last Speaker’s race, you can go here and here.)

Anyway, back to Rocky. (By the way, did anyone even watch Rocky V? What the f�k was that?) Rocky is the ultimate underdog who keeps coming back, mostly to a riveting soundtrack from Survivor. Even when he’s on top, like after Rocky II and the rematch with Apollo, he loses the Eye of the Tiger. It’s like he’s not a real fighter, especially after Mick dies. He doesn’t want it bad enough. Which brings me to Craddick. It’s like he’s facing Mr. T but he doesn’t have that look in his eye anymore. And the problem there is, he’s not being cheered on by throngs of adoring crowds and loyal fans. He’s not training in Russia during the Cold War to fight Ivan Drago. Will Hartnett is no Adrienne.

And Craddick is no Rock. BUT, cautionary tale: the Rock came back in “Rocky Balboa.” I believe I was the only person in the world who actually saw this in the theater.

The ABC’s (Anyone But Craddick’s, what on earth will the rebellion call themselves in a post-Craddick era?) are scheduled to meet this evening, as are the House D’s (most likely at an Ardmore Holiday Inn). Unfortunately, I will be at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding tomorrow so I’ll be unable to do my usual stakeout. Please let me know if you’re free. (Also, I’ll be busy trying to squeeze into my wedding gown so as not to be shown up by the bride.)

Before the House convened in January 2007 and Jim Pitts was challenging Craddick, I imagined a conversation between the Speaker and his press secretary Alexis DeLee. And, as usual, when I’m imagining conversations, I can only imagine them in When Harry Met Sally lingo. It’s a sickness.

Here it is, in full after the jump.

(more…)

Someone just forwarded me this letter from Jim Dunnam to his fellow Texas House Democrats (although the subject line is “A Message from Eddie Rodriguez”). And I was like, you know, who’s Jim Dunnam and what is this “speaker’s race” you speak of? I’m puzzled by the “In Unity” closing because it makes the D’s sound like The Benevolent & Protective Order of Elks where they are addressed as Esteemed Loyal Knight and Grand Exalted Ruler.

Colleagues,

Tom Craddick has admitted he doesn’t have the votes to remain Speaker of the Texas House. In comments to reporters, his chief ally, Rep. Will Hartnett, said Craddick’s count is 70. Most observers acknowledge that he doesn’t have anywhere near even that number of supporters. Regardless, there is now a public admission that he has failed in his effort at re-election. At the same time, public comments from new House leadership alliances indicates there are 79 publicly announced votes against Craddick. The Craddick era is over.

The question is now: how will the new House of Representatives operate? With openness, fairness and the absolute rejection of Craddick’s infamous “absolute power” style? With respect and regard for all Texas voters and the representatives they have chosen to speak for them in Austin? We believe that is the consensus among both Republicans and Democrats who are now responsibly deliberating over what the new House looks like and how it operates.

Craddick should withdraw. Instead, he argues weakly that he has the votes because he has the votes. Or that he’s not yet beaten because he’s not yet beaten. Of course, that remains technically true until the House elects its new Speaker in January. But it’s hardly a convincing argument.

I applaud my colleagues on both sides of the aisle for their cool-headed, responsible and open, democratic approach to selecting its new leadership. Craddick may want to mischaracterize his opposition’s deliberations. But then, he never did understand how democracy works.

In Unity,

Eddie Rodriguez

What time is it?

4:28PM. Robert Talton just called a point of order on some conference committee. Sylvester is playing Speaker, and by ‘playing Speaker,’ I mean ‘When did Sylvester turn into Craddick’s evil twin?’ There are a couple more little kids up on the dais but they’re brunettes. Oh my God. What did Terry Keel do to that blond girl? WHAT DID YOU DO, TERRY?!

Oh. The House passed the state budget. Parliamentary Inquiry. Who got screwed the most?

Right after midnight Monday, the anti-Craddick conspirators staged a walk-out. The exodus was precipitated by Rep. Pat Haggerty, who asked to make a personal privilege speech.

In a dramatic move, Haggerty stood on his desk and started calling members’ names. As Craddick took back the dais, ordering Haggerty to sit down, Jim Dunnam stood on his desk and said, “Oh Captain My Captain.” Next, Jim Pitts and Brian McCall looked at each other and slowly stepped onto their desks, crying, “Oh Captain My Captain.” Craddick was livid, and yelled at the House sergeants to arrest them. By this time, close to 60 lawmakers were standing on their desks.

There was not a dry eye on the floor.

There is a time for daring and a time for caution, and a wise man knows which is called for.

11:37PM. Is this a joke? The clowns are still on the floor. Even the members of the press corps have left the chamber. I know this because I was just drinking with them. (I posed as a KVUE reporter.)

Don’t they know that Sine Die is Latin for “Shut the F#uck Up and Go the F&uck Home.”

It’s 10:30 on a Friday night. I get a message from Charlie at PD that there’s some serious sh&it going down at the Capitol with all this Speaker nonsense. The House is scheduled to reconvene at 11PM. How will I ever get home and get to my laptop on time?? Oh. Wait. I’m already home. In my pajamas. Watching Law & Order reruns.

I have no idea what’s happened so far. QR is reporting that Denise Davis, the House parliamentarian, has resigned. This was precipitated by Todd Smith and Jim Pitts questioning privileged conversations, parliamentary inquiries and whether they would be served dinner. Speaker Craddick cried, “Look! Over there! It’s Matthew McConaughey!” This gave him enough time to run off the floor and charter a state plane to Ardmore, where he is currently holed up at a Holiday Inn.

But not before a photo-op.

[From an anonymous source - priceless]

I’ve pulled the video stream up on my computer and will be monitoring the House floor during commercial breaks on Lifetime and cheating on my crossword puzzles. This post will be updated accordingly.

11:04PM. Robert Talton’s at the back mic talking about a motion to vacate the chair and whether it constitutes a matter of privilege. Charlie Geren, Todd Smith and Jim Pitts are backing him up. Wow. Look at Craddick. He looks scared. I almost – ALMOST – feel sorry for him.

They all have their rule books out. Dorks. Craddick keeps telling Talton he can’t understand him. Clever. I’d keep going with that strategy.

11:09PM. Former Rep. Terry “Over” Keel is acting parliamentarian. He’s telling Craddick what to say. It’s kind of like “Roxanne.”

Here’s Karen Brooks’ take so far.

11:11PM. Now Charlie Geren’s at the mic. He’s asking Craddick if there was a motion to recess before the Speaker decided to walk out. Geren’s saying there were objections and that “I know your hearing isn’t that bad.” Ouch.

Todd Smith’s turn. He’s asking about Denise Davis’ resignation letter. Craddick responded that he ate it. Smith says that this isn’t the first time the Lege has tried to overthrow the Speaker, but it is the most pathetic. Smith wants to know where Craddick was for the past five hours. Two words. Mani. Pedi.

11:20PM. Craddick says he wants to get on with the rest of the state’s business. Why start now?

Craddick says we’re going to follow the House rules. Jim Dunnam responds, we’re going to follow the House rules? When? [Applause.] Now Fred Brown’s at the front mic with a bill. How clueless can you be?

Jim Pitts just stepped up and said, Mr. Speaker, parliamentary inquiry. [Applause.] Craddick is so going down. The Speaker does not think any parliamentary inquiries are proper. This is his new strategy since the “I can’t understand you” one stopped working.

11:27PM. Tommy Merritt at the back mic. Craig Eiland and Jim Keffer are behind him. Merritt looks like Paulie from “The Sopranos.” The members are restless. They’re chanting something. It sounds like “Mumble, Mumble.”

11:33PM. I nodded off. Warren Chisum is at the front podium. Garnet Coleman’s at the back. He just yelled at Chisum for being “full of bleep, son of a bleep.”

TJ Shroat says he has the votes for Speaker.

The members were chanting “Work, Work!” Not “Mumble, Mumble” as previously reported.

11:45PM. Bills, bills, bills. I’ve got your bill. It’s called the “Craddick Get the Fuc&k Off the Dais Already” bill. No amendments.

How short is Will Hartnett?

11:50PM. Harold Dutton doesn’t want anyone to pay an additional $5 to get a lap dance. Because he doesn’t care about victims of sexual assault. The bill passes. Because everyone hates Harold Dutton.

11:59PM. Fred Hill has a parliamentary inquiry. Will Craddick shut us down by midnight? OK. It’s midnight. Craddick says the clock in the chamber is off by two minutes. That’s his new strategy.

Something is happening.

Debate on Geanie Morrison’s bill has been cut off. Now they’re continuing. Apparently the Anti-Craddick R’s have a motion to object to any motion to adjourn. It’s their not-so-secret weapon.

Random: Has anyone ever noticed how Mike Krusee looks just like the blond brother on Simon & Simon? What ever happened to that guy?

Charlie Howard is a very strange looking man. Is it because he’s from Sugar Land? Withdrawn.

12:15AM. (!) Todd Smith wants to see Denise’s resignation letter. He’s talking about how one removes the Speaker. (Physically.)

Seriously. Can Keel just come to the mic? Keel should say something like, “Furthermore, Article III, Section VIII, Amendment 4, I wet my pants.” Just to see if Craddick will repeat it.

Now we’re cooking with gas. Smith wants to know if Craddick would resign if a majority of members signed a letter asking him to. Pitts is asking why Craddick’s office escorted Ms. Davis out of the office and locked her out. Craddick is not advised. And, I wet my pants.

Fred Hill asks Craddick if he’ll have a conversation with him. Hill says the body has been in turmoil. Hill questions whether Craddick’s rules deflecting parliamentary inquiries are valid. Well, of course they’re not valid.

Craddick says he will not accept a motion to vacate the chair. And he won’t let the members overrule the chair. This is some motherfu&ckin’ bullshit. OK, I’ve just about had it with Keel. I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ. Rules, rules, rules. Someone should trump all the rules with the 10 Commandments. Mr. Speaker, 6th Commandment, Article V, Section III – The Speaker Shalt Not Be A Complete Di&ck.

I wish Kino Flores would sit his fat ass down.

12:34AM: Dunnam’s up. He looks like he’s been up all night. Oh. Wait. Dunnam’s challenging Craddick/Keel on the rules. He looks pretty confident.

Oh guess what? It’s not a proper inquiry. F&uck this. Time to take him out. With force.

12:42AM. Talton raises a point of order. Craddick tells him to bring it up front. Talton asks if he can stop by his desk to get it. Craddick just stands there. Until Keel prompts him, “Tell him yes!” And Craddick says, “Yes.” This is the theater of the absurd.

Do you know how difficult it is to type while you’re sleeping?

12:54AM. Are they done? I can’t believe how many people are sitting in the chamber at this time of night. Nothing to see here, folks. I can’t believe this is how I’m spending my weekend. It’s a new low for me.

I’m giving this five more minutes then it’s lights out.

1:13AM. Well, it looks like the Speaker will have to die another day. I refuse to watch the tiny members silently moving around like little hamsters on Viagra for one more second.

1:17AM. Oops. Just as I was about to shut down, they’re back in action. Although, not really, because it’s Speaker Pro Tem Sylvester Turner in the chair instead of Craddick. Pu&ssy. Gallego was at the back mic with some parliamentary inquiry but it didn’t go anywhere.

Now there’s an objection to adjourning. But apparently the Chair (meaning Keel) isn’t taking any motions to adjourn. Or something. I’m so tired. Taylor moved to adjourn. But there’s an objection. They’re taking a vote. 135 ayes to adjourn. The hamsters will be back in their wheels tomorrow at 11AM.

Every day is Groundhog’s Day. And I hated that movie. And Andie MacDowell.

Each morning I think, maybe today’s the day. Maybe Craddick is toast. And then… nothing. It’s like the 2000 presidential elections all over again. Will Bush pull it off, leading to the worst administration in this country’s history? Will Florida’s senior citizens and that one guy examining the butterfly ballot, over and over, until I was about to take a baseball hat to my TV, hand the victory to Gore? I don’t think I can stand much more of this.

Who will it be? Brian McCall? Jim Pitts? Fred Hill? Charlie Geren? TJ Shroat? R.G. Ratcliffe? Pete Gallego? Lance Armstrong? McCall, Hill and Shroat are all predicting that a motion to vacate the chair will happen before the session ends on Monday, especially now that Patrick Rose and Eddie Lucio XVI have withdrawn their support of Craddick.

Things might seem crazy in the House (see post below), but just look at the Senate. When you’ve got a liver transplant patient lying in a hospital bed on the floor in order to block a voter ID bill, you know you’ve got a problem.

The body’s not even cold yet but that didn’t stop House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Jim Keffer from filing the necessary paperwork to become Speaker next session. Wait. Who’s Keffer?

“In my opinion, Speaker Craddick needs to announce that he will not seek another term and let the members pursue a new Speaker’s race,” Keffer said. “However, if Craddick does pursue another term, I will aggressively challenge him and will welcome others to also enter the Speaker’s race.”

OK, last time. Swear. Can I help it if the only way I can relate to our elected officials is through romantic comedy?

[Jim Keffer and Tom Craddick separately dial Warren Chisum and Mike Krusee on the House floor.]

Keffer: I went over to Craddick’s last night.

Craddick: Because I was upset that the members were trying to replace me.

Keffer: And one thing led to another.

Craddick: And before I knew it we were strategizing about who should be Speaker…

Keffer: To make a long story short…

Keffer / Craddick: Tom / I agreed to step down.

Chisum / Krusee: He’s not running!

Chisum: That’s great Tom.

Krusee: We’ve been praying for it Jim.

Chisum: You should’ve done it in the first place.

Krusee: For months we’ve been saying you should do it.

Chisum / Krusee: How was it?

Craddick: The deciding part was good.

Keffer: I thought it was good. But then I felt suffocated.

Craddick: But then I guess it wasn’t.

Keffer: I had to get out of there before I announced my bid for Speaker.

Craddick: He just disappeared.

Keffer: I feel so bad.

Craddick: I’m so embarrassed.

Keffer: I think I’m coming down with something.

Craddick: I think I’m catching a cold.

Chisum: Look it would’ve been great if you staying Speaker worked out, but it didn’t.

Krusee: You should never strategize with anyone when you find out your leadership position is in jeopardy.

Keffer: Who’s that talking?

Chisum: Who?

Craddick: Is that Krusee on the phone?

Chisum: It’s the Senate on streaming video.

Krusee: I’m at the Cloakroom.

I have nothing against the liquor industry. Mostly because I hardly know her. Indeed, the liquor industry is what gets me through most mornings. But when I read that wholesale liquor distributors have given $1.38 million to members of the Legislature since the November elections, I have to wonder… how do I get on that liquid lunch ticket?

The liquor wholesaler groups (aka ‘booze hounds’) want restaurants and bars to buy their liquor exclusively from wholesale distributors, and not from retail package liquor stores, which is what businesses currently do. But other states are considering whether wholesale liquor laws could potentially violate federal anti-trust laws.

Per the Statesman:

The U.S. Supreme Court last year ruled against wholesalers in the state of Washington, setting the stage for challenges to state laws — like those in Texas — that require companies that manufacture liquor, beer and wine to sell their product to wholesale distributors rather than directly to consumers. In its review of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission in 2005, the state’s Sunset Advisory Commission leveled a similar critique at the wholesale sector, saying the system appeared to protect the alcohol industry rather than the interests of the public.

Stupid TABC. Protecting the alcohol industry IS protecting the public interest!

On the Senate side, 29 of 31 senators fielded liquor wholesaler donations along with over 120 House members. They are currently out getting wasted. And cruising. I believe cruising is involved.

Gov. Perry, meanwhile, received $100,000 from big wholesalers, Lt. Gov. Dewhurst got $75,000 and Speaker Craddick got $100,000. How did a teetotaler like Craddick get more than Eddie V’s regular Dewhurst?! Of course, Perry spokesman Robert Black said the governor has no position. “We don’t have a dog in this hunt,” Black said, bending down to unscrew the whiskey barrel from the Governor’s new St. Bernard.

In a surprise move Thursday, Speaker Tom Craddick has announced his decision to combine all the House committees and subcommittees into one master committee to be called the House Committee on Because I Said So. The Speaker will serve as chairman, Rep. Warren Chisum will be vice chair, and Rep. Patrick Rose will be the clerk. No word yet on whether Craddick will force Jim Pitts and Brian McCall to chain themselves to him wearing skimpy gold metallic bikinis.

No, really. The committee assignments won’t be released today, meaning Craddick is still debating how much pain he should inflict on his detractors in what Burka calls The Penalty Box.

As the 80th Legislature starts Tuesday, members will show up in their new little outfits with wildly exaggerated tales of sex and romance from their vacations (“Tell me more, tell me more.”) But after the braggadocio dwindles and the last of the House nerds has been put back in his or her place (sorry, Mike Krusee, this isn’t the session you make the jump to the cool legislator’s table), actual law makin’ will commence.

Now, I don’t pretend to be an expert on the politics of Texas. Some of my information comes from children’s songs. Most of what I know about the Texas Legislature comes from blogs…blog comments that is, I rarely read blog posts. And I only read the numbered comments that are divisible by three or that are prime numbers (comment #19, on any post, is gold). The rest I’ve picked up by sifting through the Ho Ho wrappers in Paul Burka’s trash. Based upon that wealth of knowledge, I offer several predictions for the session.

Tom Craddick remains House Speaker after forcing legislators to voice their choice for speaker in a sha-booya roll-call vote.

*Sha-booya, sha-sha, sha-booya roll call*
*Sha-booya, sha-sha, sha-booya roll call*
“My name is Craddick,”
*YEAH!*
“I am the Speaker,”
*YEAH!*
“A vote for Pitts,”
*YEAH!*
“Makes Texas weaker.”
*ROLL CALL!*

Pitts, McCall and their supporters, ill-prepared to vote in verse, fail to rhyme their roll calls and are booed from the chamber.

New Rules of Conduct

A victorious but vindictive Craddick institutes several increasingly bizarre and spiteful House rules:

• Before being allowed to speak in the chamber, former supporters of Jim Pitts’ speaker aspirations are required to don the “stoo-pid hat,” a sombrero made from the desiccated skins of Mexicoans who have died of aneurisms while trying to enter Texas legally. Further, they must begin all their addresses with, “My name is _________, and I’m a big stinky jerk-faced jerk.”

• Members submitting bills must roll a 20-sided die which Craddick keeps in a small velvet sack with the rest of his Dungeons and Dragons dice and figurines. Anyone rolling a natural 20 gets sucker punched by Rick Green.

• On Mondays, members are allowed to present in order of handsomeness (the most comely first). On Tuesdays, the order is determined by height (tallest first). On Wacky Wednesdays, members shoot paper wads into waste baskets and whoever makes the longest shot goes first. On Thursdays, members go in order of skin melanin content (darkest first). On Fridays, order is determined by a twelve-sided D&D die rolling tournament. As a result of these rules, the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain ends up getting a lot done this session and averages 20.6 rebounds a day.

Bills, Bills, Bills

But I know I’ll be a law someday,
At least I hope and pray that I will,
But today I am still just a bill.

• Members of the House narrowly pass a bill to place a copy of some of the Ten Commandments in every government building in Texas. Since a functional, moral society can only come about when strictures are placed on the disposition of every citizen’s ding-a-ling and hoo-ha, the commandments chosen are: #7 – Thou shalt not commit adultery (natch), #10 – Thou shalt not covet (thy neighbor’s ding-a-ling and/or hoo-ha), and #2 – Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image (which often depict enormous ding-a-lings and hoo-has). Following the passage of the bill, 1000 years of paradise begin.

• Not content to wait for the federal government to spend billions to fence the Mexican border, the House passes a bill that will help Texas jumpstart the process by gathering $800 million into a big ol’ pile and lighting it on fire.

• Several representatives from central Texas cosponsor a bill to make brisket the official meat of Texas. Representatives from south Texas counter with their own bill to make sausage links the official meat of Texas. During the deliciously greasy debate, Jim McReynolds suggests compromising by making pulled-pork the official meat. He is exposed as a native of North Carolina and is beaten and crucified on a mesquite-hewn cross. Finally, members agree on a compromise which involves having the entire town of Lockhart bronzed. During the ensuing celebration, mud-smeared members ritualistically slaughter a cow on the House floor, then dance in its blood while “The End” by the Doors reaches a crescendo. Craddick turns to Jim Pitts and asks, “Are you an assassin?” He then drops the severed head of Brian McCall onto Pitts’ lap.

• The Senate passes a bill that guarantees that every Texan is a beautiful, special princess who smells like fruity soap and can eat all the candy and sweets he/she wants and never ever get fat and never ever get old and never ever die. The bill stalls in the House.

• House members pass a bill awarding themselves each a plaque that reads, “You Made a Difference.” Members that stare at the plaque intently while wishing really hard almost, sort of, believe it.

This just in: Craddick to endorse Pitts for Speaker’s race.

Really, what’s he got to lose? McDreamy’s (Rep. Brian McCall) decided to donate all his Democratic pledge cards to McWaxahachie (Chairman Jim Pitts), who pulled off an impressive Dick Cheney to declare himself the man best suited for the job.

Pitts and McCall will hold a press conference today at 4PM to declare that Pitts now has the votes [DMN] he needs to sublet Craddick’s apartment. Meanwhile, Craddick is frantically putting his name on everything that’s his so the books in the new library won’t cost him a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of that’s-mine-this-is-yours (Locke, Liddell & Sapp).

“Stick a fork in him, he’s done,” McCall spokesman Roy Fletcher said of Craddick – or his boss. Hard to tell. Although McCall had more votes than Pitts, House Republicans were finding it difficult to get behind someone with so much Democratic support. (Who wouldn’t?) If Democrats can screw something up, they will.

Enter Rep. Senfronia Thompson, a one-time Speaker candidate who pulled out of the race to support McCall after realizing she only had two votes, and that her chief-of-staff wasn’t eligible. Now, feeling betrayed, Thompson is saying that she might pull some D votes from Pitts. WHERE DO THEY GET THESE BRILLIANT IDEAS? Is Chris Bell running the opposition campaign?

I worked with Jim Pitts at the Appropriations Committee (insert eye-roll here as I wax nostalgic). Back then, he was the chair of the Regulatory subcommittee (led by a superb analyst who now works in Craddick’s office). Pitts was able to become Chairman of the entire committee because he is that good at working with all members and negotiating compromise. That said, he’s not the RINO that the Craddick henchmen want you to think he is. He’s definitely conservative — he’s just not CRAZY EVIL CONSERVATIVE like the current Speaker.

Let’s see if House members are smart enough to support him.

Speaker? I hardly know her! OMG! Happy 2007! ILMS2007!

I’m out ONE WEEK and President Ford dies, the Godfather of Soul passes on, Saddam Hussein is executed, Osama Bin Laden is captured and John Edwards formally announces his presidential candidacy. But these are mere footnotes in history compared to the distinct possibility of a new Speaker of the Texas House. Ever since Speaker Pete Laney was unceremoniously dumped by the traitor D’s (/what?), I’ve been praying for the toppling of Tom Craddick or The Rapture, whichever comes first (assuming they’re not mutually exclusive). But, will it happen?

Over the weekend, the Statesman reported that Republican challenger Rep. Brian McCall of Plano says he’s got the votes he needs to replace Craddick, including 57 of the 69 House Dems who were backing Senfronia Thompson (/what?). Dem supporters include Austin Reps. Elliott Naishtat (who has been promised a lifetime of unlimited free hors d’oeuvres), Eddie Rodriguez and Valinda Bolton. Rep. Donna Howard (formally known as Rep. Not-Andy-Brown) remains as uncommitted as Tickled Pink, and Rep. Mark Strama is playing coy, as is the ubiquitous Keith Strama.

That leaves Austin Rep. Dawnna Dukes, who’s sticking with Craddick. “The choice is between two Republicans,” Dukes said. “If I flip-flopped from one Republican candidate in this race to another Republican, what value would that have, other than for someone to say you’re weak and don’t stand up for your beliefs?” If standing with Craddick means standing up for your beliefs, I’ll smoke what she’s smoking. Oh, and Rep. Patrick Rose is backing Craddick. A major shock to anyone who isn’t familiar with Patrick Rose.

House Appropriations Chairman Jim Pitts is also hoping to unseat Craddick – a risky move for someone who will lose his seat on the powerful budget committee (made even more powerful by former Appropriations analysts). If Craddick wins, Pitts will be lucky if he gets a coveted spot on the Online Media and Blogger Subcommittee.

An article in today’s Chron discusses the high stakes of the Speaker’s race and the deteriorating relationship between Pitts and Craddick. Of course, Craddick’s spokesperson Alexis DeLee said the Speaker was surprised that Pitts thought their friendship had soured. Are we really supposed to believe that Craddick had no idea?

Speaker’s Apartment, mid-December 2006

Craddick: Pitts comes to the Capitol and he says, “I don’t know if I want you to be Speaker anymore.” Like it’s the institution, you know, like it’s nothing personal, just something he’s been thinking about… in a casual way. I’m calm, I say, “Why don’t we take some time to think about it, you know, don’t rush into anything like securing pledges or making phone calls.”

Alexis: Yeah, right.

Craddick: Next day, he says he’s thought about it, and he may support someone else for Speaker, like Brian McCall. Jim just wants to try it, he says, but we can still legislate together. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean, I became Speaker so I can stop legislating. So I don’t see where this is any big incentive. So I say to Jim, “Don’t you love me anymore as Speaker?” You know what he says?

(Alexis shakes her head.)

Craddick: “I don’t know if I’ve ever loved you as Speaker.”

Alexis: Oooh that’s harsh… You don’t bounce back from that right away.

Craddick: Thanks, Alexis.

Alexis: No, I’m a press secretary, I know dialogue and that’s particularly harsh.

Craddick: Then he tells me that maybe I should sublet the Speaker’s apartment. I can’t believe this, and the doorbell rings, ‘Maybe you should sublet the Speaker’s apartment,’ the words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth. So I go to the door, and there were moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, “Pitts, when did you call these movers?” and he doesn’t say anything. So I asked the movers, “When did the Chairman book you for this gig?” And they’re just standing there.

Three huge DPS officers, one of them was wearing a T-shirt that says, “Don’t fuck with Mr. Zero.” So I said, “Jim, when did you make this arrangement?” He says, “A week ago.” I said, “You’ve known for a week you want someone else as Speaker and you didn’t tell me?” And he says, “I didn’t want to ruin your session.”

Alexis: You’re saying Mr. Zero knew you were getting ousted a week before you did?

Craddick: Mr. Zero knew.

Alexis: I can’t believe this!

Craddick: I haven’t told you the bad part yet.

Alexis: What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?

Craddick: It’s all a lie. Pitts wants to be Speaker.

Alexis: How did you find out?

Craddick: I followed him, I stood outside the Capitol Extension.

Alexis: So humiliating.

Craddick: Tell me about it. And do you know I knew? I knew the whole time that even though the House Republicans were happy, it was just an illusion and that one day someone would kick the shit out of me.

Alexis: Speakerships don’t break up on account of a couple challengers. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Craddick: Oh really? Well that ‘symptom’ is fucking up my Speakerdom.

A District judge ruled Thursday that Speaker Tom Craddick must give up his secret political journal from the 2003 state redistricting battle. But Craddick said they’ll have to find his miniature diary key first.

The calendar in question, which was lovingly maintained by the Speaker’s campaign staff, may contain public information about state business pertaining to Tom DeLay, TRMPAC, TAB and the contentious redistricting plan which prompted Democrats to flee to Ardmore. It may also note the day of the year that the Craddicks engage in marital relations.

“The speaker is not above the law,” said attorney Jeremy Wright. “Our belief is that something in those calendars relates to state business. We don’t want our officials hiding their public activities by including them only in private calendars and removing it from their official state calendars.”

But according to Alexis DeLee, Craddick’s press secretary, the Speaker’s calendar is not a public document and is therefore exempt from the Texas Public Information Act. The Attorney General’s office, which is representing Craddick, has held that appointment calendars are subject to the open records law.

Feldman’s lawyer contends that when Craddick’s official state calendar referred to ‘O.C.’ over 140 times, it stood for ‘Outside Calendar.’ DeLee said that Craddick is just a really, really big fan of ‘The O.C.’

Fran: “He’s a taker.”
C.C. Baxter: “A what?”
Fran: “Some people take, some people get took. And they know they’re getting took and there’s nothing they can do about it.”
(The Apartment, 1960)

Texas First Lady Nadine Craddick has raised $1 million in private donations by way of the State Preservation Board to renovate the Speaker’s residence. Just when you think you’ve heard enough about the Speaker’s digs, you realize you want more.

“Tom and I are just elated with the generosity and excitement from all over the state,” Nadine said. “We’ve had large donations from large contributors but also $50, $100 and $200 checks from Texans, I don’t know who they are.”

Obviously, the Craddicks have very good friends. Either that or they’re getting money from Andy Brown’s campaign fund.

The Speaker’s residence is the only one in the country that is located inside the Capitol. Mostly because other speakers have a life OUTSIDE of the Capitol. Seriously. Have you seen Craddick’s complexion? I don’t think he ever leaves the Capitol walls. He’s so pale he’s almost transparent. Just like his legislation.

“We get a check or two a day, so far,” Nadine said while counting her money and cackling incessantly. “It’s very humbling when people give you dollars, but they’re reading about it and I think people think it’s the right thing to do to preserve the Capitol building.”

Dollars? Those are some nice ‘dollars.’ Former Gov. Dolph Briscoe gave $100,000; AT&T gave $250,000; billionaire Harold Simmons gave $250,000; and $25,000 came from former Congressman Tom Loeffler. Cheap-ass.

The renovations include updating two bathrooms (I hear the Speaker is dying for a bidet), and two kitchens. Also, there is a library in a loft that they’re expected to move downstairs due to an old winding staircase that ‘only children want to climb.’ Although I’ve heard that Rep. Geanie Morrison crawled up there a couple times thinking it was the Speaker’s ass.

In its usual reporting style, the Midland Reporter Telegram ran a completely objective story. And by ‘completely objective story,’ I mean, ‘Nadine wrote it herself.’

Update: Here’s the DMN version. We hear the Speaker’s wife refused to be interviewed and wouldn’t even give a tour. What, she was afraid someone might use the $4,000 bathtub? Bill Miller was the first one to open his checkbook for the cause – $14,000 to ‘get things rolling.’ Who does Craddick think he is, Dennis Kozlowski?

House Speaker Tom Craddick must really want his apartment renovated. So much so that he’s publicly enlisted the help of his wife, Nadine. Apparently the residence is a blogger’s lair compared to the rest of the Capitol. “I’d like to bring it back to the same level of elegance as the rest of the Capitol building,” said Mrs. Craddick. “And Ben Barnes’ stripper pole must go.”

She wants the renovations to be paid for by private funds, i.e. the business lobby, payable through the State Preservation Board. That’s the same agency that has preserved Martin Dies’ mindset for Harris County Republicans. Mrs. Craddick also would like to recreate the style of the 1880s-1920 by filling the residence with antiques such as representative democracy.

“This is the people’s building and I think people connect with that the minute they walk in,” Craddick’s better half said. “And by ‘people’ I mean lobbyists.” She says that eight previous speakers share in her desire to renovate the dump. I can’t even name eight former speakers.

The current residence is full of yellow roses, chocolate candy and the squashed dreams of thousands of Texas children. It even contains a historic library full of unread books.

“Those of us in Midland feel a strong sense of giving back to the community, and giving back to the state,” Mrs. Craddick said. “We feel a duty to leave something better than it was when you came.”

Presidents excluded of course.

By JCBT

Last night the Senate went and passed their version of House Bill 1. It’s one small step for Texas and one giant leap for Rick Perry. Or something.

Florence Shapiro sponsored the bill, and she decided to actually vote for it this time instead of walking out. It passed 31-0. Shapiro was congratulated by colleagues after the bill passed although they were mostly just trying to cop a feel. “The chair recognizes Senator Shapiro when she’s not kissing all the senators,” Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst said during a final procedural vote. “So that’s what granny panties look like.”

The bill reduces property tax rates to $1 in 2008, teachers would get a $2,000 raise and students will be required to take four years of math and science. A controversial amendment requiring students to take two years of blogging was voted down, causing a scene in the chamber. A ‘skinny blonde chick’ screamed ‘You motherf*ckers!’ and hurled an empty whiskey bottle from the gallery. She was escorted out by DPS officers.

A dispute over Robin Hood by GOP senators nearly stopped passage of the bill. Shapiro and five other GOP senators said that Kevin Costner was the best Robin Hood while the rest of the Senate said Errol Flynn was better. A compromise was reached when all agreed that the Bryan Adams song from the Costner movie was horrible.

“Would I prefer to lower our property taxes more? The answer is yes. Would I like to do more for our teachers? The answer is yes,” Shapiro said. “Does asking and answering my own questions constitute an interview? The answer is yes.”

Now it’s in the House’s hands. They can either agree to it without any changes or call for a compromise. House Speaker Tom Craddick said after the Senate vote that he would encourage the House to adopt it.

“I think it looks great,” Craddick said.

Was he wearing his glasses?