I must confess, I didn’t pay much attention to the primaries. I mean, what do I care if a Palin-backed tea party candidate beats the mainstream establishment Republican? It’s not like they’re going to gain power and outlaw masturbation. Or are they?

Let’s take a look at what happened in Delaware, which is close to my heart since I summered there as a child. (OK, fine. It’s not Martha’s Vineyard but by using “summer” as a verb, I look rather Kennedy-esque. That and the horse teeth.) Christine O’Donnell, the tea party Senate candidate, beat out Rep. Mike Castle to the surprise of the GOP, which has now renamed itself the GSP (work through that).

According to Politico, O’Donnell is a candidate with “a sketchy employment history who has dissembled about her education, defaulted on her student loan and her mortgage, sued a former employer for mental anguish, railed against the evils of masturbation and questioned whether it would have been OK to lie to prevent Nazis from killing Jews during World War II.”

OH MY GOD. How can Delaware elect someone who defaulted on her student loan?

But back to the moral implications of lying to Nazis. In the ’90s, O’Donnell founded a lobbying organization called the Savior’s Alliance for Lifting the Truth. (God was their main client.) Appearing on the Bill Maher show during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, she said that lies and exaggeration are always acts of “disrespect.” Asked whether it would be OK to lie if you were hiding Jews in your home and Nazis came to the door, O’Donnell responded, “If I were in that situation . . . God would provide a way to do the right thing.” Luckily, O’Donnell would have never hidden Jews in her home.

In an appearance on MTV in 1996, O’Donnell discussed her views on abstinence. “The reason that you don’t tell [people] that masturbation is the answer to AIDS and all these other problems that come with sex outside of marriage is because again, it is not addressing the issue,” she said. “You’re just gonna create somebody who is, I was gonna say, ‘toying with his sexuality.’ Pardon the pun.” (That’s what she said.)

O’Donnell reportedly has no steady income, no savings, no investments, and no property. And she rents a room out of her campaign office, a masturbation-free zone. Clearly the most tragic thing of all is that she’s 41 and never been married. No wonder she’s running for a Senate seat. What else is she going to do with no husband to cook for?

Note to readers: First of all, I hope the transition did not shake you up too much. I realize that you fear change, and that is why you don’t really go after things in life so much as wait for things to fall in your lap, which hardly ever happens, which is why you’re where you are today. Secondly, I realize that the site looks a little different in that it is no longer pink and the banner features a faceless man, who may or may not be a serial killer, walking along a country road. (But then, I suppose we all interpret pictures differently based on our individual perspectives, which does not bode well for me.)

I’d also like to sincerely thank all of you who have said such kind and supportive things over the past week. (Soak that up as I’m not known for my sincerity.)

Now, where were we?

When I first saw this little teaser on Politico, I thought, WILL THE TEA PARTY STOP AT NOTHING?

In an effort to diversify, one of the movement’s first targets this High Holiday season are Jews.

Horrifying. But then when I actually read the story, I realized that the tea party movement wasn’t coming after Jews to harm them in any way. They want Jews to join them, which is quite different, although it would probably still hurt. The tea party is nothing if not a bunch of uniters, especially because they need the Chosen People for The Rapture so The Democrats will burn for eternity in Hell On Earth.

“We do need to reach out,” said Matt Kibbe, president of FreedomWorks, which has launched a minority outreach effort called DiverseTea through print ads in Jewish community newspapers. DiverseTea? What, DarJewlingTea was taken? Call me crazy, but this outreach seems a bit disingenuous.

“There is this nagging perception that we are not diverse, and I disagree with that,” Kibbe said. Dude. Have you seen your own rallies? The only diversity consists of senior citizens who are overly tanned from sitting in lawn chairs all day. Kibbe was asked why they were specifically targeting Jews and not African-Americans in light of the recent allegations of racism. “I think that there is a more open debate to be had (in the Jewish community)… I had to start somewhere.”

Well that’s true. Every movement has to start somewhere. But always make sure to start with the old white conservative Evangelicals. For credibility’s sake. Who’s going to listen to a bunch of Jews?

Glenn Beck is holding a “Restoring Honor” rally on Saturday at the Lincoln Memorial which just happens to coincide with the anniversary of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech, also held at the Lincoln Memorial. To mark this historic occasion, Beck will pretend he likes black people.

“This is going to be a moment that you’ll never be able to paint people as haters, racists, none of it,” he said of the event featuring non-hater Sarah Palin. “This is a moment, quite honestly, that I think we reclaim the civil rights movement.”

Yes, when I think Sarah Palin, I think civil rights. As in, Sarah Palin’s civil rights should be stripped away, one by one.

“I know that people are going to hammer us because they’re going to say, ‘It’s no Martin Luther King speech,’” Beck said. “Of course it’s not Martin Luther King. You think I’m Martin Luther King?” Uh, no. I don’t think anyone would confuse you with Martin Luther King. Now Palin, on the other hand, well, she’s almost as eloquent.

According to the event’s website, the rally will pay tribute to America’s military personnel and others “who embody our nation’s founding principles of integrity, truth and honor.” The rally will also promote something called the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, which trains Real American babies of integrity to fight jihad terrorist babies. Meanwhile civil rights organizations will be holding their own rallies and demonstrations Saturday on the National Mall. That should work out well.

One of the speakers at Beck’s rally will be Dr. Alveda King‘daughter of civil rights activist Rev. A.D. King and niece of MLK’a conservative pundit who has compared same-sex marriage to genocide. Her family must be so proud. So MLK’s niece is part of the lineup but Beck was unaware of the conflict? Beck says he was hoping for September 12 but that’s a Sunday and he “didn’t want to hold the rally on the Sabbath.” Do Mormons even have a Sabbath? Or is he scheduling the event around that one Jew for Jesus tea partier? What a dumbass.

[AP]

In an editorial in the Wall Street Journal today, Dick Armey and Matt Kibbe present a Tea Party Manifesto. (Yes, we’ve all been paying so much attention to the little jihad terrorist babies and the mosques they’re secretly housed in that we almost forgot about our tea party brethren.)

Today the ranks of this citizen rebellion can be counted in the millions. The rebellion’s name derives from the glorious rant of CNBC commentator Rick Santelli, who in February 2009 called for a new “tea party” from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. By doing so he reminded all of us that America was founded on the revolutionary principle of citizen participation, citizen activism and the primacy of the individual over the government. That’s the tea party ethos.

They’re still following the Rick Santelli drum beat, these hundreds of millions of citizen resistance fighters? Is that guy even on CNBC anymore? That’s like me taking marching orders from the dangerously intoxicating Mark Haines.

Let us be clear about one thing: The tea party movement is not seeking a junior partnership with the Republican Party, but a hostile takeover of it.

I’d love to see an all-out battle between the tea party and the Republican party establishment. Tea partiers may not have the big guns behind them but they are scrappy. Yes, a lot of them are old, or obese, or mentally ill, but that just makes them that much more determined. As in, this may be Nana’s last shot at standing up for her beliefs before we put her in a home. And she fights dirty.

A new progressive group called Agenda Project has created a marketing campaign intended to undermine the tea party movement, even though the tea party is doing just fine undermining itself. It’s called the F*ck Tea project. Good Lord. That’s either a terrible tasting tea or some bizarre sex fetish. Either way, someone should tell the group that they put the asterisk in the wrong place.

“We will be launching new products in the next several months to help people all over the country F*ck Tea,” Payne told POLITICO. “Products like a Glenn Beck Bowl Buddy (Beck B Scrubbin) and others are perfect holiday gifts or just a great way to say ‘I love you and our country’ to your spouse, friend or family.”

I’m totally getting F*ck Tea onesies for all my friends’ little terrorist babies.

[Ben Smith]

You know you’re crazy when you’re kicked out of the tea party for being too crazy. That’s like getting kicked out of a Pink Mafia happy hour for being too drunk. But that’s exactly what the National Tea Party Federation did by expelling conservative radio talk show host and activist Mark Williams and his more extreme Tea Party Express due to his racist comments on the NAACP last week. You know, when the NAACP accused the tea party of being…racist.

Williams posted a “satirical letter” on his blog from NAACP leader Ben Jealous to President Abraham Lincoln.

“We Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

“Perhaps the most racist point of all in the Tea Parties is their demand that government ‘stop raising our taxes.’ That is outrageous! How will we coloreds ever get a wide-screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.”

Oh, please America. Get a sense of humor! That’s FUNNY. Especially when he throws “cotton” in there. Pure comedic genius. And if you’re offended by the use of “massa,” then you just don’t get it. This guy should take it on the road!

You’re probably asking yourself what the difference is between the National Tea Party Foundation and the Tea Party Express, aside from the fact that Sarah Palin has spoken at the Express’s rallies. (Now she’s too busy figuring out what to wear as the Pissed Off Oh-No-You-Didn’t Mother of the Bride.) The NTPF was established to act as an umbrella organization for the tea parties to create a “unified message.” How does one create a “unified message” and coordinated media response with 88-year-old “grassroots activists” sitting around in lawn chairs half-asleep, hoping to get on camera so their ingrate grandchildren will remember they’re still alive? The Tea Party Express, on the other hand, was more of a fringe group. I’m trying to wrap my head around this. Can’t do it.

I have enough of a headache from seeing Inception yesterday, where everyone’s in a dream inside of a dream inside of someone else’s dream unless you’re inside your own. I spent the rest of the day wondering if what I think is my real life is actually a dream, an alternate reality of my own design. And then I thought, wow. If this is a dream, this is the best I could come up with?

[Politico]

So how did you spend your Independence Day? No, really, I’m interested. (Pause while I pretend to be interested.) I heard there were plenty of neighborhood parades around but those make me nervous because I’m afraid I’ll run into one of my neighbors and they’ll recognize me as the one who kicks their cats. Of course, true patriots were celebrating their independence at tea parties across the nation with signs and lawn chairs and old white men and impromptu readings of the Constitution. Tea party activists are not just retirees whose grandchildren don’t visit them anymore. They are scholars.

“With knowledge, there is power,” said tea party organizer Kerry Scott, who attended “An American Event” in the Blue Ridge Mountains. “And having an understanding of the Constitution can lead to electing people who will uphold it.” And with great power comes great responsibility. Like when you’re bitten by a genetically modified spider and you have to kill your best friend’s dad. Plus you have to act opposite Kirsten Dunst. Brutal.

Many groups at the festivals distributed pocket-sized copies of the Constitution while promoting classes, seminars, and weekly book clubs, involving such titles as “Capitalism and Freedom” by economist Milton Friedman and “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. Seriously? I suppose if there’s enough wine things could get interesting. But I can’t imagine my book club reading a conservative manifesto on free markets. Actually I can’t imagine my book club reading.

Despite the fact that some tea party members are going the intellectual route, or at least giving it a shot, there are still groups that truly embody the tea party movement. Like Homemakers for America, which features a photo of one of the founding fathers at the top. Or else it’s just some really old lady draped in an American flag who bears an uncanny resemblance to Benjamin Franklin.

[WashPost]

A Republican congressional candidate in Alabama (although he grew up in Arlington, Texas) is calling on his fellow patriots to “gather your armies” against President Obama. The candidate, Rick Barber, is shown in a new campaign ad saying he would “impeach” Obama while the camera pans over a Kentucky Flintlock-looking pistol (yes, I searched Google images) placed on the table in front of him. He’s seen talking to George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Sam Adams. Now don’t get all excited. They’re not the actual George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Sam Adams. I read on Politico that they are only actors playing the roles. There are people who get paid to portray Revolutionary heroes in campaign ads? How do I sign up for that? Nobody plays a loyalist quite like I do.

“Some of you men own taverns,” Barber says. “Sam, you own a brewery. Mr. President, a distiller. You know how tough it is to run a small business without the tyrannical government on your back.” Dude. You run a pool hall. I’m sure the founding fathers would be very proud. Barber’s Deja vu Billiards also features poker and Patriot Nights. If you click on Patriot Nights, the first line asks if “you live and breath politics.” BREATHE, you idiot. The rest looks like it was written by a 4-year-old.

Next Barber goes off on the IRS, income taxes, something about being forced to spy on ourselves, and health insurance being crammed down our throats. Pointing to the Constitution (the real one), he says, “Now, I took an oath to defend that with my life, and I can’t stand by while these evils are perpetrated. You, gentlemen, revolted over a tea tax! A TEA TAX! Now look at us. Are you with me?” The camera pans to George Washington (the actor, not the real one) who says ominously, “Gather. Your. Armies.” OMG! Somebody make me a shave and a haircut sandwich with a side of two bits!

You know why I like to read and write about the crazies, aside from their inherent entertainment value? Because when I read and write about the crazies, it makes me feel better about my own, how do I put this, “eccentricities,” which I like to think of as endearing. Such as my firm belief that you are all just a figment of my overactive imagination.

But then I hear about someone like Tim D’Annunzio, a tea party candidate who’s running in the Republican primary for Congress in North Carolina and will probably beat his opponent. Which the Republican establishment is not happy about, mostly because he’s a total f*cking nutbag. Not just like oh, those tea party people, they’re so wacky. This guy’s certifiable.

According to divorce records, D’Annunzio’s wife said that in 1995 her then-husband claimed he was the Messiah, traveled to New Jersey to raise his stepfather from the dead, and then discovered the Ark of the Covenant in Arizona. That’s insane. Everybody knows that the Ark of the Covenant is sealed in a “TOP SECRET” wooden crate in some giant government warehouse.

A doctor’s evaluation of D’Annunzio found that although the candidate may have had addiction issues with marijuana and heroin, his religious beliefs were “not delusional.” If claiming you’re the Messiah doesn’t make you delusional, then I don’t know what would. Unless, of course, D’Annunzio really is the Messiah. In which case, we are all really, really screwed. In a child support ruling (because he wasn’t paying child support), a judge wrote that D’Annunzio was a self-described “religious zealot” who believed the government was the “Antichrist.” Maybe he’s available to write Rick Perry’s foreword.

D’Annunzio has not responded to any of the allegations except to say that his religious conversion 16 years ago allowed him to overcome his “troubled upbringing.” And then he basically said that everyone was conspiring against him. Which isn’t paranoid at all if we’re talking about the Last Supper.

[The Gaggle]

Did you hear about what happened in Kentucky? (Oh, please. I just woke up from a two-day vicodin-induced coma where I’ve been dreaming of wild boar chasing me around my neighborhood, which of course wasn’t my current neighborhood but the neighborhood I grew up in.) A tea party candidate named Rand Paul won the Republican Senate primary against Trey Grayson. Yes, that Rand Paul. Son of Ron Paul. First of all, carpetbagger. Secondly, if he’s half as batshit as his father, we’re in for a real treat.

Everyone’s calling this a big win for the tea party movement but I just don’t see it. Voters in Kentucky are used to electing the crazies. This is Jim Bunning‘s old seat. The same guy that pointed out that Ruth Bader Ginsburg was, God willing, on her last legs. The same guy that shot two reporters the bird when he was singlehandedly blocking the unemployment benefits bill. Anyone would be an improvement. Grayson, a supposed rising star of the Republican party, had some heavyweights in his corner, including Dick Cheney, Mitch McConnell, and Rudy Giuliani. If there’s any reason to be happy that Rand won, whoomp, there it is.

Just like his father, Rand thinks that the federal government is worthless even as he hopes to become… Kentucky’s representative to the federal government. In the past, Rand has gone so far as to say that the government has no place regulating private businesses on issues such as race and accommodations for the disabled. Because really, who needs a ramp when you can ask total strangers to carry you into the building?

So the guy doesn’t care about the Civil Rights Act or the ADA. Classy.

But as a tea party candidate, he’s in good company. In response to a planned 13-story mosque near the World Trade Center site, the national Tea Party leader, Mark Williams, wrote on his blog that Muslims worship a “monkey god.” Last year Williams said that “Islam is a 7th Century Death Cult coughed up by a psychotic pedophile and embraced by defective, tail sprouting, tree swinging, semi-human, bipedal primates with no claim to be treated like human beings or even desirable mammals for that matter.”

This is your LEADER, you tea party dopes. And what exactly qualifies as a “desirable mammal” anyway?

DISCLAIMER OF SORTS: I apologize for the late afternoon/practically dusk posting. I apologize for another post about Palin. I apologize for everything. Because I know in some way I have wronged each and every one of you. Wait a minute. Why am I apologizing? You owe me an apology.

This morning Sarah Palin spoke at the Tea Party rally on Boston Common, the place where it all started. I’m not just referring to the origins of the American Revolution but, more importantly, to the origins of my family. Both my maternal and paternal great-grandparents came over from Ireland to escape the troubles and the famine and the nuns without having to give up The Drink. So they ended up in Boston and I ended up with a speech impediment.

The AP compiled a handful of clips from her speech but all I have to say is, Hey, Sarah. Michael Jackson called and he wants his Thriller jacket back. And another thing, did she really quote JON VOIGHT?

(Wait. It’s tax day tomorrow?! Well I know what I’ll be doing tonight. Packing up my house, dying my hair, changing my name, and moving on to the next place.)

A Democratic congressman from Danville, VA was targeted by a local tea party activist after the passage of the health care bill on Sunday. But don’t worry. It’s not like they killed him. They just cut the line connecting a propane tank to a gas grill at his house. Wait. Make that his brother’s house. OH MY GOD THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL HIS BROTHER TO GET TO HIM. That’s so Jack Bauer!

Actually it was all a simple misunderstanding. On Monday, Lynchburg Tea Party leader Nigel Coleman posted what he thought was Rep. Tom Perriello’s home address on his blog and Facebook where he invited his party brethren to “drop by” the Charlottesville home and “express their thanks” for his health care vote. “This is Rep. Thomas Stuart Price Perriello’s home address,” Coleman wrote. “I ain’t holding back anymore!!”

Just imagine how bad Nigel must have felt when he learned that the address was not Perriello’s, but his brother Bo’s, where Bo lives with his wife and four young children. Now who’s a baby killer?? In response, Coleman called his mistake “collateral damage.” I can’t believe I have to share my planet with these people.

“A lot of us who are tea partiers, we communicate through social networks,” Coleman said. “One of the other tea partiers in another group put up an address and said it was Tom Perriello’s address and several others of us put it up on our Facebook pages and Twitter accounts. Turns out that it was not in fact his address, it was his brother’s. That was not something we were going for. We just wanted people to get a little closer to their congressman.”

Perriello–I’m still not sure if this is Tom or Bo–also received a threatening letter saying something to the effect of “You’ll have to answer for this on judgment day.” Nigel has played practical jokes before, including attempting to burn effigies of Nancy Pelosi and Perriello at a tea party protest. Meanwhile at least ten other members of Congress have requested extra security due to recent threats. I’m just trying to figure out if I’m somehow related to any members so I can hire a bodyguard and expense it back to Texas Monthly.

A new CNN poll shows that roughly 35% of the American public support the tea party movement. THIRTY-FIVE PERCENT. I’m emphasizing this number because, hold on, let me get my calculator, if they’re able to attract just 15% more, that means that we’ll be engaged in an all-out war–the rational against the irrational, the normal against the abnormal, the Others versus the Survivors. (Yes, I watched Lost last night. When in doubt, throw a ghostly little blond boy into the mix. Oops. Spoiler.)

The 35% consists of 11% of Americans who have “actively supported the Tea Party movement, either by donating money, or attending a rally,” and 24% which favor the movement but has not taken any action. On second thought, I might be part of that 24%. I do support it, in a way, because it intrigues me so. Who are these people, really? What do we know about them? Is my neighbor one of the party faithful? I’ve always been a little suspicious of him in general because I think he could be a serial killer but maybe he’s a tea partier which is even scarier.

According to the poll, true Tea Party activists tend to be male, rural, upscale, and overwhelmingly conservative. They also tend to have a lot of time on their hands to sit around on lawn chairs holding up handmade poster board signs and swapping American flag baseball hats. Tea Party activists are also overwhelmingly Republican so there goes its third-party we-hate-everyone street cred.

On Tuesday, Tea Party darling Sarah Palin told Arkansas Republicans that the only way Tea Party candidates can win is to join an established political party. I’m guessing she means the Republican party. “Now the smart thing will be for independents who are such a part of this Tea Party movement to, I guess, kind of start picking a party.”

TRAITOR!

[via Political Wire]

The Conservative Political Action Committee is holding its annual conference this week in Washington DC. You all know what that means. ROAD TRIP! Speakers include such luminaries as Dick Armey, Michele Bachmann, Glenn Beck, Tucker Carlson, Liz Cheney, Ann Coulter, Jim DeMint, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and George F. Will. On second thought, cancel that road trip. Actually I’m relieved to see that Mitt Romney will be in attendance considering his attack yesterday on an Air Canada flight. He reportedly asked the passenger sitting in front of his wife to raise his seat during takeoff when the man took a swing at him. What a dumbass. Personally I can’t stand to fly anymore because one, people are so rude and two, I’m flat broke and all my miles are gone and apparently I’m too “old” to still get an “allowance.”

Conservative tea-party-type leaders will be unveiling their own manifesto tomorrow, reverently entitled the Mount Vernon Statement. Hey! I’ve been there! It’s one of the most boring places on earth! I mean, how many times can you take a tour of a blacksmith shop and think it’s interesting? And I do not find the Necessary at all charming.

Here’s a portion of the MVS, which every patriot will sign in blood:

“In recent decades, America’s principles have been undermined and redefined in our culture, our universities and our politics. The self-evident truths of 1776 have been supplanted by the notion that no such truths exist. The federal government today ignores the limits of the Constitution blah blah blah.”

Although this isn’t an official part of CPAC, it might as well be. In looking over the agenda, I already know which sessions I want to attend.

“Saving Freedom for Future Generations,” featuring one-time actor Stephen Baldwin and Jason Mattera, author of Obama Zombies: How the Liberal Machine Brainwashed My Generation.

“When All Else Fails: Nullification & State Resistance to Federal Tyranny”

“Blogging, Tweeting and Other Funny Words That Grow the Movement”

Cosponsor reception, sponsored by the National Rifle Association

And… Rap/Jam Session: Live music and special performances by Rappers: Hi-Caliber, Young Cons, and many more! Ain’t no party like a CPAC party cuz a CPAC party don’t stop!

Yes, there’s nothing quite like closing out a conference with some young Bible-beating white rappers. And, does this really count as rap?

You just know it’s going to be a challenging day when you ask VERY NICELY for a vanilla latte and they give you just a regular latte which means you need to pour about 10 packs of sugar in it to make it drinkable. Now I can’t stop shaking my legs at an extremely rapid pace underneath my desk. I may be moving the entire building. However, a flavorless latte is nothing compared to having to view a six-minute clip of Ted Nugent on Fox News.

Normally I wouldn’t have found this as I have blocked all references to Ted Nugent following our July issue last year. But I was casually browsing through Twitter and found Governor Perry’s tweet that linked to the YouTube video with the text: “Uncle Ted We Salute You!!!” And you know they mean it by the three exclamation points!!! In a bit entitled “Nugent’s Manifesto,” Ted goes off on government interference, praises tea party activists, and reminds viewers that it’s the Declaration of Independence, not the Declaration of Dependence. OMG! This could be more fun than one of his ass concerts!

Actually the most entertaining part of the video is when Fox “business news” host David Asman goes off on a tangent about higher ed.

“Well Ted, you have common sense, which probably 98 percent of the people inside the Beltway don’t have. And common sense means much more to living a good life than any kind of degree from an Ivy League university. These government officials, just because they have an Ivy League education doesn’t mean they know more than we do.”

Looks like someone didn’t get into the university of his choice.

Why Perry would want to pull out The Nuge again is beyond me, after Ted showed up at his 2007 inauguration concert in a Confederate flag t-shirt carrying semiautomatic machine guns and spewing racist comments about illegal immigrants. Oh. Wait.

I’d like to remind everyone that Monday is a holiday so you get a three-day weekend unless your place of business doesn’t think much of that whole “civil rights movement” deal. Speaking of individual liberties and freedom from oppression, if you haven’t gotten your tickets yet for next month’s Tea Party Nation Convention in Nashville, you better hurry. Tickets cost $549.

FIVE HUNDRED FORTY NINE DOLLARS?? I’ve seen the people at these tea parties and believe me, they do not have $500 just sitting around, never mind $549. These are older, unemployed, misguided souls who can hardly afford the lawn chairs they’re sitting in. However, given that the keynote speaker is Sarah Palin, they may have to tap into their savings and then take out a loan for the rest. Hold on. Just checked their website and they’re already sold out. But you can ask to be put on the waiting list in the hopes that you’ll be able to knock over a convenience store or something by then.

Grassroots my ass! See you Tuesday.

[First Read]

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A CONSERVATIVE TEA PARTY BECAUSE A CONSERVATIVE TEA PARTY DON’T STOP!

Seriously. You might have thought that the tea partiers had packed up their homemade often misspelled signs and their bejeweled flag t-shirts so they could get back home to their miserable lives but think again. They’re like a band of traveling gypsies who dress poorly and keep showing up uninvited. On Thursday thousands of activists who aren’t really sure what they’re protesting camped out at the Capitol for what was referred to as the “Super Bowl of Freedom,” sponsored by Republican members of Congress.

Per WashPost:

Many of the demonstrators chanted “Weasel Queen,” their pet name for the speaker of the House. Others wore masks of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid; they were covered in fake blood and carrying dolls representing aborted fetuses, as the Grim Reaper led them in chains to hell.

In the front of the protest, a sign showed President Obama in white coat, his face painted to look like the Joker. The sign, visible to the lawmakers as they looked into the cameras, carried a plea to “Stop Obamunism.” A few steps farther was the guy holding a sign announcing “Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds” [sic], accusing Obama of being part of a Jewish plot to introduce the Antichrist.

But the best of [Michelle] Bachmann’s recruits were a few rows into the crowd, holding aloft a pair of 5-by-8-foot banners proclaiming “National Socialist Healthcare, Dachau, Germany, 1945.” Both banners showed close-up photographs of Holocaust victims, many of them children.

Could there be any more mixed messages? There are like eight different protests going on here. When in doubt, throw in the Holocaust, the Grim Reaper and a couple of fetuses. For good measure.

Naturally our own Rep. Jeb Hensarling was out there rallying the troops and, according to WP, standing in front of the tastefully done Dachau banner. Rep. John Carter pointed to the House office buildings and, apparently forgetting for a minute that he’s a House member, encouraged the protesters, “Go get ‘em!” No. Really. I have no idea why Texas gets a bad name.

The ubiquitous Jon Voight brought the D-list star power to the event, standing with the lawmakers and saying of Obama, “Could it be he has had 20 years of subconscious programming by Reverend Wright to damn America?” I’m pretty sure the only people who’ve been programmed are the feeble-minded and easily brainwashed protesters. Go get ‘em.

For those of you familiar with the Metro in DC, I think you’d agree with me that it’s pretty reliable as far as public transportation is concerned. Clearly, it doesn’t constitute luxury travel, considering the fact that during rush hour you typically find yourself buried under someone’s armpit while desperately trying to grab onto one of the metal poles for balance. But apparently, some tea party patriot poseurs were not pleased with the “level of service” they received at last weekend’s rally. Level of service? Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? This ain’t the Orient Express. You’re on the SUBWAY.

Luckily Texas Rep. Kevin Brady has valiantly taken up their cause, releasing a letter Wednesday that he sent to the Metro system demanding an explanation of why they did not adequately prepare for the rally. What were they supposed to do? Distribute the Kool-Aid? Brady complained that the taxpayer-funded system failed to “properly transport” the protesters. Are you kidding me? Most of these people refuse to pay their taxes to their oppressive and illegitimate government.

“These individuals came all the way from Southeast Texas to protest the excessive spending and growing government intrusion by the 111th Congress and the new Obama administration,” Brady wrote. “These participants, whose tax dollars were used to create and maintain this public transit system, were frustrated and disappointed that our nation’s capital did not make a great effort to simply provide a basic level of transit for them.” A spokesman for Brady added that “there weren’t enough cars and there weren’t enough trains.”

In his letter, Brady claimed that an 80-year-old woman and a handful of elderly veterans in wheelchairs had to pay for cabs due to the lack of preparation. Are you kidding me? They should just be grateful that the death panels were taken out of the bill.

[via Wonkette]

I flew back home from BWI yesterday with a bunch of tea party patriots who had been in the DC area to participate in the MASSIVE PROTEST at the Capitol against health care reform and the fact that we have a black man parading as president. They’re hard to miss, what with their bejeweled American flag t-shirts, mom jeans, and banana clips. And those were the men. OMG! To quote Jon Stewart, you better hope ugly isn’t considered a preexisting condition.

Needless to say, I bended my rule of not letting my husband sit next to me on the plane because I was afraid that one of them might try to squeeze their fat ass into my row. Every time an older woman adorned in glittery red walked by, I stuck out my foot to trip her, which was extremely difficult given that I was in the window seat.

You might be saying to yourself, oh, come on, they’re not bad people, they’re just different. And I am here to say that anyone who associates themselves with people carrying signs that say “Obamacare should be buried with Ted Kennedy” and “We came unarmed . . . this time!” are not just ignorant and small-minded�they’re hateful. And what’s worse is they do it in the name of patriotism. And what’s even worse is that there’s no cure for stupidity.

As I sat on the plane reading my NYT and eating the cheese crackers provided by Southwest that will no doubt come back to haunt me, I thought about the tea party activists who were flying with me. I thought about whether I could engage them in a rational conversation and then decided this was an impossibility. Instead, I alerted the flight attendants that I had heard them whispering something about a bomb. When we landed, they were taken off the plane by federal agents. OH WHO’S LAUGHING NOW.

[Patriots for America]

I woke up this morning and looked at the calendar as I do every morning to see if it’s a holiday so I can skip work, and I discovered that TOMORROW IS TAX DAY?! Looks like I’ll be filing for an extension. Or will I? Now is the perfect time for me to throw down my chai tea latte in protest and say, I’m not going to take it anymore! (And then I will tell the barista that I spilled it by mistake and I need another one.) You see, tomorrow is the Nationwide Tax Day Tea Party.

What is this, you ask? You might as well ask yourself if you’re a patriot. The Revolution against crazy out-of-control spending and the stimulus package is here, spurred on by the infamous and out-of-control Rick Santelli Rant, which inspired the average American to watch CNBC for the first time.

Here in Austin, the rally will take place at 4PM on the south steps of the Capitol. The event will feature Congressman Mike McCaul and Sen. Dan Patrick, and will culminate in a Boston tea party reenactment at Lady Bird Lake. So if you happen to be in a kayak at that time, do not be alarmed at the scent of lemon and just a hint of honey.

If you’re unable to make the rally because you are actually “working” instead of “complaining about perceived injustices,” you can show your solidarity by honking your horns at noon. Collective horn-honking is one of the most effective ways to protest, second only to dressing up in colonial clothing and donning powdered wigs.