This is precisely the reason In the Pink comes with a nuclear option button, encased in all glass, its whereabouts known only to me, in which I can turn a key and detonate the entire blog/related Twitter feed/all related merchandise in a split second. I will then be whisked away by a private jet to an undisclosed location, where I will live out the rest of my days drinking and journaling.

A series of embarrassing messages and Twitter posts written by Sarah Palin’s top aide and speechwriter Rebecca Mansour (who calls Palin “BigBoss”) have surfaced, in which she mocks other politicians and even Bristol. That’s just cruel. Why should other politicians be mocked? According to Mansour, Mitt Romney’s supporters are “wacky as hell” (agreed), conservative blogger Erick Erickson is “a total douchebag” (agreed), and Bristol is “Patti Davis” (clearly I am too young to get this reference).

After Bristol announced that she was marrying Levi Johnston, Mansour wrote, I wish they were the Cleavers too. But it’s life. Two words: Patti Davis. Okay three more: Ron Reagan Junior. Two more: Billy Carter. Doesn’t your family have one? Yes, every family has one. I happen to be that one. It’s not so bad. If you get through a whole month without bringing shame upon the family, they reward you by inviting you to Thanksgiving that year.

She will hold [Bristol] at arm’s length. Even Thatcher was never able to disown her screw up son Mark. It’s a Mom thing, Mansour wrote. That strikes me as especially cold. All Mark Thatcher was accused of was racketeering, faulty business loans, and possibly helping to fund and assist in an attempted coup in Equatorial Guinea. It’s not like he appeared on Dancing With the Stars (season finale tonight, 8PM central time, my money’s on Kym and Hynes over that trampy Disney star).

I didn’t know that Osama bin Laden had been killed until I woke up this morning and got on Twitter as this is typically my most trusted news source. However due to my formal training as a journalist, I did feel the need to verify this information by checking Facebook. (First post on my wall: My sister’s revelation that she had just made a popular side dish for today’s potluck.) Of course the reason I missed this breaking news last night was because I was watching The Killing on AMC, and, following The Killing, I watched the encore episode of The Killing. I rarely watch the news before going to bed as I am usually performing my late-night calisthenics in the backyard.

Since then I’ve been trying to catch up on the news by opening multiple tabs in my browser, including the NYT slide show, “Around the World, Joy and Contemplation.”

The White House

The World Trade Center

Kabul

Pakistan

Cain and Abel’s

Really? A college bar in Austin? This is what the global community was waiting for?

Here’s what I don’t get. After killing Osama and positively identifying his body, they washed his corpse, wrapped him in a white sheet, and buried him at sea. What is this, a viking funeral? Apparently Islamic law dictates that the body be buried within 24 hours and there was “no land alternative.” First, Osama was not a Muslim, he was a terrorist. And second, isn’t that convenient that now there’s no body to prove to us that he’s really dead. DOES THE ADMINISTRATION TAKE US FOR FOOLS?

An aide for Georgia Sen. Saxby Chambliss was fired Thursday without cause, unless you consider a harmless gay slur “cause.” The unnamed aide contributed to a discussion last week concerning the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell by posting an insightful comment on a gay rights blog that read, “All faggots must die.” Come on. Maybe he was just joking! That’s funny! Hey, 1982 called. They want their slur back. (Yes, previous years often call me up and tell me what they want. It’s the bane of my existence.)

The comment was traced back to the senator’s Atlanta district office through its IP address. Brilliant. You do realize that most of my time is spent tracing all reader comments, especially the negative ones, and then I’m like, Damn it, Dad!

The Senate Sergeant at Arms explained that while computers are only to be used for Senate business, no crime was committed. So a gay slur is kind of like checking Facebook every five minutes to see if you have any new friend requests (you don’t). Saxby called the comment “inappropriate” and apologized to the blogger, activist Joe Jervis, adding, “hey—even homos can vote.”

Now where would an impressionable young staffer get the idea to say such offensive things? I mean, just because his boss voted against repealing DADT, warning it could pose a risk to military discipline, and just because his boss is against gay marriage and gay adoptions doesn’t necessarily make him a homophobe. It just means he hates gays.

[TPM]

So I was reading my Vanity Fair last night, mostly so I could rip out the pages of Lindsay Lohan posing as Betty Draper as Grace Kelly and fashion them into spitballs, when I came across the article about 24-year-old Napster and Facebook billionaire oracle Sean Parker. This kind of stuff drives me crazy. And believe me, I was already halfway there. (I know you all are waiting for me.) He’s a Virginia native, which means I take his success even more personally since I’m a Virginia native and the closest I ever came to fame was when I performed the perfect basket toss.

A new movie is coming out about founder Mark Zuckerberg and the Facebook phenomenon featuring Justin Timberlake as Parker. I’ve seen pictures of Parker and he’s no Justin Timberlake. (Oh, cry me a river.) Guess who’s number one on VF’s 100 this year? Zuckerberg. Facebook is now worth about $25 billion.

Does anyone else feel like a total loser? I mean, you know what Facebook is, right? It’s a glorified online yearbook. A place where people from high school can find you and start hounding you about the $20 (with interest) you still owe them from that six-pack of Pomegranate Berry California coolers. If you had come up with this idea, you’d be worth billions right now and someone from ‘N Sync would be playing you in a movie by that cokehead who created The West Wing.

I am confident that we can come up with the new Facebook if we put our feeble minds to it. Think, people. Think.

The story of the vicious feline-disposal lady in England is all over the news today, and not just in the UK.

MSNBC: Cat-tossing lady: I didn’t mean to cause ‘distress’
CBS: Woman Who Dropped Cat in Trash Bin: It Was Fun
USA Today: Cat thrown in trash bin sparks fury on internet; woman nabbed
Toronto Star: ‘It’s just a cat,’ says UK garbage-bin woman
NY Post: UK cat dumping woman ‘profoundly sorry’ for trashing Lola
Telegraph: Cat put in wheelie bin: ‘Death to Mary Bale’ Facebook page taken down

Now before all you animal lovers out there have a raging panic attack, the cat is fine. Thanks to the wonders of Facebook and YouTube, the woman, Mary Bale, was identified and chased down by a mob of angry lonely cat ladies before being dumped in a trash bin.

On Sunday, the cat’s owners found their pet meowing something fierce inside a garbage bin in front of their home. Luckily Stephanie and Daryll Mann have security cameras and were able to watch the footage. According to the Coventry Telegraph, the couple was ‘expecting to see teenagers or drunken louts committing the act in the middle of the night. But to their horror, they watched a middle-aged woman stop and pet Lola in broad daylight before dropping her in the bin and shutting the lid.’

They had me at “But to their horror, they watched a middle-aged woman.” After posting the video online, Bale was taken into custody. The 45-year-old Bale is, tragically, not married, so cut her some slack for erratic behavior, self-loathing, and, well, dressing like a cat lady. On the video, Bale is shown petting the tabby cat before picking her up and tossing her in the trash. Asked why, Bale said that it’s “just a cat.” Which is true. It’s not like we’re talking about a real pet. “I did it as a joke because I thought it would be funny,” Bale said. “I never thought it would be trapped, I expected it to wriggle out.” See?? That’s the funny part!

As some of you know, I myself am not a fan of cats. And, evil woman that I am, the video actually made me laugh out loud, which made me feel bad about myself so I stapled two of my fingers together. (One of my co-workers, also a cat-hater, suggested that she be knighted.) Still I don’t approve of what Bale did. There’s really only one humane way to get rid of cats. Say it with me. Kitten vests.

You know, kids are funny. Especially when they’re all hopped-up on anesthesia. Now that’s funny. You know what’s even funnier? Taking a video of your kid in a drug stupor and posting it on YouTube. But you know what’s even funnier than that? Cashing in on your child’s public humiliation! Hi-larious!

When that “David After Dentist” video went viral last year, I refused to watch it so I could feel like I was better than everyone else. Kind of like “Charlie Bit Me.” DOES ANYONE ELSE REALIZE THAT THIS STUFF IS COMPLETELY STAGED? It’s the modern-day version of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Oh my God! Look! Another guy falls into the pool fully clothed unexpectedly! Laugh. Riot.

In the child dentist video, filmed on the father’s trusty flip cam, seven-year-old David sits in the back seat of a car looking like he’s on an acid trip, asking “Is this real life?” It’s been viewed almost 54 million times. Why? Because this is what passes for entertainment. Sitting at our computers every day has sucked the brains right out of our skulls. Seriously, I can’t even think without using Wikipedia at least 40 times a day. Who was our president before Obama? Hold on! Let me check! (type, type, type, type)

But the Orlando family has struck pure gold—GOLD—with this video, ensuring that their now-child-star will spend his formative years in rehab. With his fellow Dr. Drew addicts calling him “Dentist David.” How much gold? How does six figures sound? “We embraced it,” said the boy’s father, David DeVore. “We said we will make a family adventure out of this and see what happens. Nothing has happened that we felt uncomfortable doing.” What an exciting family adventure! Taking your kid to the dentist!

At SXSWi (these are the speakers? I’m so glad I didn’t waste my money), DeVore discussed his experience and said that he shot the video because his wife couldn’t go with them to the tooth extraction. So who the hell was driving the car? After putting it on YouTube, he was shocked that so many people were watching it. Obviously DeVore doesn’t know that we’ll pretty much click on any link that someone emails us. And then we’ll forward it to like our entire address book. We’re that bored.

DeVore claimed he got his son’s permission before posting the video. Of course he did. HE’S SEVEN. All you have to do is threaten to take away his dessert.(Disclaimer: If I can get $150,000 for a video of some poor kid on Vicodin, I would so do it. Who am I kidding, I’d do it for $150.)

[CNN]

For those of you who are unemployed, I have good news. The Senate has finally passed the $15 billion Democratic jobs bill to help create jobs so your future employer should be contacting you soon. Make sure to have your briefcase at the ready—along with at least one plant, a requisite photo of your spouse, that retro drinking bird, and your framed college diploma—in case you are called into the office immediately.

The vote was 70 to 28, with 13 Republicans and two independents joining 55 Democrats voting in favor of the initiative. One of the Republicans voting aye, the newly elected hunka-hunka Sen. Scott Brown, failed his first test in adhering to the Republican party line and will be dealt with accordingly by mealy-mouthed Mitch McConnell. One tea party leader has already dubbed Scott “Benedict Brown,” in reference to the delicious yet completely untrustworthy brunch favorite Eggs Benedict. Meanwhile conservatives have overtaken the senator’s Facebook page accusing him of being “Judas” and a “sellout.”

One of the best comments came from Joanne Jody Opeka Heydon of Sequim, Washington.

I believe that Mr. Brown is a big fat plant by the Democrats! Whine, whine, whine that a Republican won poor fat alcoholic Teddy’s seat. Disgusting. If Brown were a true representative of our country’s values and knew what it’s [sic] citizens so OBVIOUSLY want, he would NOT have voted for this bloated piece of crap of job legislation. He will not be returning in 2016 because he will be found out by the public. We need to throw everysingle [sic] one of them out starting with that idiot at the Helm, Obama.

Speaking of jobs, I’ll be taking a much-needed and well-deserved vacation the next couple of days so I could be out of one when I get back. Now before you say, she always takes vacation!, I’d like to point out that I haven’t taken any time off since Christmas. And then it was to go to Houston. I wouldn’t exactly call that a “vacation.”

/ducking

[via WashPost]

Lately I feel like I should preface every post with “No. Seriously. I’m not making this up. I’m not that good.” Take this headline (please).

Depressed Woman Loses Benefits After Facebook Post in Which She Looked Happy
Insurance company cuts benefits after woman posts fun pictures to Facebook page.

Wait a minute. INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE WATCHING US ON FACEBOOK? So all that money I’ve been getting for my bogus hip replacement will be taken away? I’m going to start carrying a crutch around with me. I must mention my health in half of my status updates, like “Eileen Smith hopes that her insurance plan never finds out about her numerous preexisting conditions! LOL!” (In retrospect, I did think it was strange that Aetna gave it an “I like” thumbs up.)

Back to the depressed woman who clearly wasn’t depressed because she was making contact with the outside world instead of sitting in her house staring vacantly at her dog while it held its leash, begging to go out. It turns out that a Canadian woman named Nathalie Blanchard posted some photos of her vacation and a few nights out with friends on her Facebook page. According to the article, Blanchard “appears to be having a good time.” Which is unacceptable given that she’s been on sick leave from her job at IBM’s Quebec office for the past year after she was diagnosed with major depression. I mean, if she had killed herself, they probably would have believed her.

So when the benefits were cut off and the checks stopped coming, Blanchard was told it was because “her Facebook pictures indicated she was no longer depressed and ready to return to work.” Oh BAM. This is like when Mike Brady proved that the guy wearing the neck brace in court was faking it after he turned his neck when Brady threw his briefcase on the floor. And it was like, don’t f*ck with the Bradys.

Blanchard insists that just because she has a few good hours once every couple of weeks doesn’t mean that she’s not still suffering from depression. It just means that she’s drunk for a few hours every couple of weeks. She and her lawyer Thomas Lavin are taking legal action against IBM and her health insurance company Manulife, arguing that her doctor was the one who recommended that she socialize with family and friends. Why not sue the doctor for malpractice? He should have told her to check into the nearest hospital and post photos of herself looking miserable in group therapy.

Lavin says that he’s aware of insurers that troll social networks in order to “red flag” someone and prompt further medical reviews or examinations. “It’s kind of a heads up to people about what they put on their Facebook accounts,” he said. “It’s going to be much more prevalent. I think employers and insurance companies need to have a protocol in a case like this.” I always knew this whole “social networking” thing would become a force of evil.

[via ABC]

I haven’t put down my iPhone since I got it on Sunday and yes, it’s hard to type, but so worth it because now I feel like I’m somebody. I had the same BlackBerry for like 10 years and I’ve been using it as a free weight for the past two, while speed walking. Got your tickets to the gun show? So now I’m like every other annoying iPhone owner except I’m even more annoying because I’ve started walking up to strangers on the street and snapping photos of them up close, and then threatening to bribe them.

However, this unadulterated love for everything iPhone was before what could only be called…AppleAppGate. Due to soaring testosterone levels and public outrage, PepsiCo announced today that it was pulling an iPhone application from the Apple store, one that claimed to help men “score” with women. Wow. I mean, guys, if you’re relying on an app to get you laid, you should just go back to your Palm.

The app, “AMP Up Before You Score,” was part of the marketing campaign to help promote Pepsi’s new AMP Energy drink. According to its description, it’s a “roadmap to success with your favorite kinds of women” that will “change your game and raise your expectations.” The app classified women into different categories, like “actresses,” “businesswomen,” “broads,” “skirts,” and “girls who like tools,” and also provided a “cheat sheet on “the stuff she’s into, with lists, links and some surefire opening lines.” Like, “Hi, according to my iPhone, you might have sex with me if I pay you. A lot.”

If the guy “got lucky” (meaning some woman out there is very unlucky), the app allowed him to keep a “Brag List,” which you could share with your dork friends on email, Facebook, and Twitter. You could also print it out and post it on the wall of your basement apartment!

I trust you all had a nice time at Austin City Limits. I did not attend the festival because 1) I hate crowds and 2) I hate live music. Instead, I spent my weekend hiding out in my home with the blinds drawn, hoping to evade the FBI by army crawling my way from the couch (Lifetime Movie Network marathon) to the microwave (buttered popcorn) to the refrigerator (Prosecco) and back.

Yes, the FBI has been taken off their missing child cases so they can investigate last week’s hacking of Rick Perry’s website, which interrupted his long-awaited-by-nobody webcast, which was immediately labeled an act of “political sabotage” by his drama queen campaign. THANK GOD THE FEDS ARE ON THIS EVEN THOUGH PERRY HATES THE FEDS. But this is much bigger than just Rick Perry. This is cyberterrorism of global proportions. Sure, it may start with a governor’s webcast but it could lead to the complete annihilation of Twitter. Otherwise known as modern-day armageddon for dorks.

Apparently the FBI “believes it can figure it out.” Seriously? You’re not sure that you’ll be able to crack this one? Hey, while you’re here, maybe you should look into the governor’s handling of the Cameron Willingham case and the Forensic Science Commission shake-up. That might be an easier case to solve due to the overwhelming amount of evidence. Although that’s just about the execution of an innocent man and the corresponding cover-up. It’s not quite as urgent as finding the homeschooled 12-year-old perpetrator who wreaked havoc on Perry’s video.

On Monday, conservative pundit Glenn Beck used his talk show on Fox News to cry like a baby about the advertising boycott, organized by the African American political advocacy group Color of Change and its co-founder Van Jones. The group called for the boycott to protest Beck’s remarks last month calling Obama a racist who has a “deep-seeded hatred for white people.” Well how can you argue with that? If Obama didn’t have a deep-seeded hatred for white people, then why would he choose to seek dominion over all of us?

Beck said that Jones, a White House environmental adviser, is a radical, pointing out that he had been arrested twice for political protests and has described himself as a “rowdy black nationalist.” He claims that Jones is just one of many “czars” for Obama who “don’t have to answer to anybody.” Beck has also referred to Jones as a “self-professed communist,” which, if you put it all together, makes him a rowdy black self-professed nationalist communist czar. The worst kind.

So far 36 companies have pledged not to advertise on Beck’s show, including Wal-Mart and Sprint. As a proponent for freedom of the press, I will naturally be boycotting Sprint. But only because their service sucks. Apparently the boycott hasn’t hurt Fox revenues or Glenn’s audience. Probably because Wal-Mart is too high-brow for them.

You can’t have a real crazy-thon without Queen Crazy, Sarah Palin. Her current Facebook status reads as follows: “FOX News’ Glenn Beck is doing an extraordinary job this week walking America behind the scenes of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and outlining who is actually running the White House. Monday night he asked us to invite one friend to watch; tonight I invite all my friends to watch.”

And guess what? 10,979 (and counting) of her face-friends “like this.” I know this because of the thumbs up icon, which is basically a lazy way to comment on someone’s status without really commenting. Of course, some of her face-friends did comment. Like 2,377 (and counting) of them, asking for people to pray for Glenn and pray for Sarah and pray for America. But, as always, some commenters stand out as true Americans. Especially the female ones, who probably see a little bit of themselves in Sarah despite the fact that she is attractive and they are dowdy housewives.

Linda Cox: “Brave doesn’t even begin to describe Glenn. This man puts his life and his family’s lives in jeopardy just for spreading the truth of all things current and coming our way in this evil, corrupt sham of an American presidential administration.”

Susan Snow: “Americans are waking up and standing up to defend our country. We need a New Washington. Lets [sic] call for another election before next Nov.”

Michelle Harris: “I fear that communism isn’t far behind. Obama will bankrupt the country and guess what folks…no more free democratic elections cause we’ll be bankrupt and won’t be able to afford it and he will be our dictator. People wake up, speak up because alot [sic] is at stake!!!! May God help us all.”

Janet Sawyer: “Without Palin, Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity and a handful of other brave American celebrity voices, we would be subject to state-run press not knowing what to believe – you know kind of like N. Korea!!”

Yeah. Just like N. Korea.

[via Ben Smith]

So who watched NBC’s “Inside the Obama White House” with Brian Williams last night? I watched it after downing a very potent sangria margarita at one of the local watering holes (undisclosed location for obvious security reasons). Let me tell you what happens behind the scenes at the Obama White House: twentysomething staffers stuff their faces with plain M&M’s, the secretary plays basketball with the president in the Oval Office, Obama goes out for burgers and fries, the rugs get vacuumed a lot, and Rahm listens to Tracy Chapman at his desk. I saw more work getting done on “The West Wing.” Part II airs tonight. Two swirl margarita minimum. But if you want, you can just follow the events on Twitter. The tweets are fascinating. To wit:

It seemed hard to get a better shot of Bo’s face, but maybe our camera crew got luckier.

The president gets tangled up in Bo’s leash

President Obama says Bo has ‘good temperament’

More Bo – video of him pawing NBC microphone

I mean, really? All access means following the White House dog around and, if you’re lucky, picking up its poop? I expected to see at least a few foreign policy briefings on Pakistan. We did see Timothy Geithner trying to get a moment with the president to no avail. In other words, Brian Williams has more time with Obama than the Treasury secretary. No wonder I just had to sell my other kidney.

Just a reminder that LANDLINE TEA PARTY 2.0 is happening tonight. But don’t go thinking that this will be anywhere near as rockin’ and rollin’ as the original rallies. For one, they’re not “rallies” so much as “sitting at home in your LA-Z-Boy nodding off during an hour-long phone call.” (Or at least I hope you’re just nodding off. I don’t want to think of anything else you might be doing.)

In order to manage expectations, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford appeared on FOX News last night to tell everyone that the teleconference will most likely totally suck. So people will be pleasantly surprised when it’s just pretty sorta sucky. Victory!

“Let me give you a disclaimer up front, which is, it won’t be as good as the first round of tea parties,” Sanford said. “For one, you’ll be drinking tea by yourself. You might as well be playing Old Maid with one of your 20 cats.”

Sanford admitted that he’s not some kind of tech guru who can just pick up the phone and start dialing numbers. “I’m not a technology guy, and so it’s been explained to me,” he said. “It’ll be somewhat awkward.” It’s been explained to him? Dude. IT’S A TELECONFERENCE. It’s not like anyone expects him to twitter. That’s Perry’s job:

Stump, the Westminster Dog Show Winner will be by the office today!!

Showing Stump how to tweet!

If you can teach a 10-year-old Sussex spaniel to tweet, surely you can help out the SC governor.

Don’t worry if you miss tonight’s call because apparently the movement will continue with Tea Party 3.0 and 4.0 and 5.0 until there is no tea left on the face of the earth and THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY.

The House Committee on the Judiciary and Civil Jurisprudence is scheduled to hold a hearing on a bill extending rights and affording protections to citizen journalists. (Yes, that’s the fancy name for bloggers.) HB 4237, sponsored by Rep. Aaron Pena, would “extend the protections of the Privileged Matters Clause of the Texas Civil Practices & Remedies Code to citizen journalists.” I have no idea what this means but if it has anything to do with a remedy for citizen journalists, then I’m all for it.

The only reason I wore something other than jeans today to work (despite the fact that I’ve been written up numerous times for office dress code violations) was because I had planned on walking over to the Capitol to submit one of those public testimony cards in favor of the legislation. But last I checked, the House was still in session, there’s a monsoon outside, and swine influenza is rampant. So instead I emailed the committee clerk in support of the bill, adding that I was not happy with Chairman Todd Hunter’s inexcusable tardiness.

Earlier this morning, I asked the twitterers for their thoughts on treating bloggers like real people. The responses were overwhelmingly positive, mostly because anyone who’s on twitter is probably a blogger. A sampling:

RinoaTx: Many of the bloggers come closer to the truth than the MSM – definitely better than NYT. I say why not.
DeaElmi: the govt wants 2 control us, the democratization media & info and the pblic’s ready access to evrything scares them #freedom
boadiceatx: All that bill asks 4 is that if a tru story is published by blog rather than trad media, blogger has same protection as U.
texashealth_tom: A social media consultant told me last week that blogs were media properties. So I’m all for it.
wcnews: blogger obviously need the same protections as traditional media, especially as online reporting becomes more the norm.
demb0nes: hoping @TexasMonthly gets on board with HB4237, extending the Privileged Matters clause to bloggers. Journalism *is* blogging now.
GovernorPerry: El Arroyo has the best ceviche!!

Oops. That last one, not so much.

I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS FROM THE VATICAN. At least, not anymore. OK, sometimes I feel like I should still listen in case God asks me, hey, Eileen, why didn’t you listen to the pope, and I’ll be all, but I thought that went the way of Latin masses, and he’ll be like, oh, and why didn’t you learn Latin, and it will be really awkward and I might be sent back to earth for another round and that would suck because I’d probably come back as a brunette.

Catholic bishops are asking their flock to abstain from The Internet and The Texting for Lent, which I suppose includes The Blogging, The Facebook, The YouTube and The Twitter. It also would imply that if I continue my job as Web Editor, it will be considered a mortal sin and I will be punished accordingly. Or at least that’s what I’m telling Evan. OMG ROAD TRIP.

Talk about fasting. When I was little, all we had to do was not eat meat on Fridays, which was easy for me since all I ate was Cheerios. (My parents tried unsuccessfully to get me to stop sucking my thumb for Lent. Yeah, like that was going to happen.)

The pope has warned that constant online communication and social networking could isolate people from actual human interaction. Besides, God never engages us that way. He just uses those billboards.

I just got back from Dallas where I spoke on a panel about nonprofit advocacy, grant-making, and the legislative agenda, sponsored by the Boone Family Foundation. As in The Container Store Boones. As in stacking bins and baskets and pristine organizational skills. Luckily I didn’t bring up the fact that my closet’s from IKEA.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what could Eileen possibly know about advocacy, grant-making, and the legislative agenda. But the joke’s on you because, as usual, I asked to speak last, which means I just take notes while the others are speaking and I change a few of the verbs and nouns and throw a girlish giggle in between. (Sadly, my girlish giggle days are behind me and have given way to the hyena-like hysterics of a grown woman hyped up on too much coffee.)

I was on the same Southwest flight this morning as Rep. Rafael Anchia, Texas Weekly‘s own Ross Ramsey, and Judge Scott McCown of CPPP. I was in the B boarding group but luckily I was able to score the middle seat between Anchia and the Judge by posing as a federal air marshal and forcibly removing the passenger already sitting there. (Ramsey was in the C group so I believe he was stowed underneath the beverage cart.) While they discussed the North Texas rail, I pulled out yesterday’s “Week in Review” in the hopes that they would ask me to read some of the columns aloud. The awkward silence became more awkward when I asked Judge McCown to spot me a fiver for a bloody mary.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to compete with CPPP pie charts during the presentation, but I figured I could hold my own with Anchia and Ramsey. I was mistaken. At least I didn’t have to follow Anchia, what with his built-in fan club of Dallas women. When it was my turn, I spoke about messaging and multimedia platforms and Facebook and Twitter and stopped when I heard someone snoring. That took about three minutes of my allotted 15, and I ended by nodding my head confidently and sitting back down.

On the return flight, I tried to engage Ross and Rafael in a rousing game of Who Wants to be a Slumdog House Committee Chair, but I was the only one brave enough to start spouting off my predictions. At one point, they had to correct me on someone who’s not even a member anymore. Oh, like I’m supposed to commit the member names to memory or something? Dorks.

My committee chair picks are what I like to call “wild cards,” since they are not part of the conventional wisdom and have no basis in fact or reality. Appropriations: John Smithee; State Affairs: Sylvester Turner; Calendars: Charlie Geren; Civil Practices: Tommy Merritt. And then the flight attendant asked me to keep my screechy voice down so she could continue to sing those dreadful little Southwest ditties.

Ed. Note: As far as my previous rant on Wells Fargo and bonuses and corporate malfeasance and UTIMCO, I stand by everything I said with the stipulation that I was very tired when I posted last night and now I’m suffering from jetlag.

Just got back from the Capitol, falafel in hand. It’s cold out there, boys and girls. In fact, I just took off my heels (PROPER BUSINESS ATTIRE) and put on leg warmers over my tights. And there’s an ice storm coming! What are you still doing at your office? You need to leave immediately and meet me at the Cloak Room for a hot toddy. I think Sen. Whitmire’s already there.

First impression of Rick Perry during his State of the State: If there was a hair-off between him and Blagojevich, the Illinois governor would leave him in the dust. But sadly, there was to be no competitive hair-offing today, just a simple speech about the greatness of Texas from our Governor For Life.

If you weren’t following my 140-character twits on Twitter, here is just a sampling of the insightful live commentary you missed.

…got to the house chamber looking like a drowned cat. tried to take a seat reserved for perry family…wearing a turtleneck – bad idea. i’m already sweating.

…has anyone seen paul burka? please have him report to me.

…our editor jake silverstein wasn’t allowed onto the floor because he wasn’t wearing a tie. i told him he could borrow mine.

…i hate it when stuff starts late. i am audibly sighing to express my displeasure. my time is semi-valuable!

…thinking of designing a new t-shirt for the session: “These are not twits.”

…Perry has dropped all of his “g’s” from his “ing’s”

…talking about the economy, says we haven’t been hit as hard because of not raising taxes…also because of spending cuts. and Choose Life license plates…and belt-tightening, job creation, and cutting children’s health insurance.

…says we should use SBOE-approved textbooks. evolution as a theory; God’s word as fact

…perry is warning of “increasingly active EPA” which will hurt our standing as an energy leader. fascists.

…says he’s the master of his own eminent domain, encourages lege to pass legislation

…illegal alien apprehensions. in the form of cocoons in that swimming pool that all those old people swim in

…wait for it… wait for it… YES! VOTER ID. To protect us from gangsters and serial killers!

…what the hell is a sanctuary city? sounds like a retirement community for aging nut-jobs

BIG FINISH: “Fan the flames of passion.” Gross.

I caught up with Burka afterward.

Me: “You want Starbucks?”
Burka: “Sure! I’ll have a latte.”
Me: “Great, I’ll have a soy chai. You better get going, it’s sleeting outside.”
Pause.
Burka: “Why do I have to go?”
Me: “Because I’m wearing heels!”
Burka: “So am I!”

DAMMIT!

On Friday night I stopped by a happy hour for the lovely Karen Brooks, who is leaving the Dallas Morning News to become digital executive editor for KXAN.com. I have since asked Evan if he would add the word “executive” to my title, either “executive” editor of texasmonthly.com, or female “executive,” or “Hi I’m Eileen I’m an Executive.” So far, he hasn’t gotten back to me.

I walked into the Longbranch, which had apparently been taken over by the Capitol Press Corps, when I was asked to show my credentials. “Usually I get at least a free drink for that,” I joked, laughing to myself since no one else was laughing. I made my way through the crowd and found Karen, who refused to acknowledge me until I bought her a shot of whiskey. And then she pointed over her shoulder at some guy in a suit by the bar, and said, look over there. I looked and said, yeah, it’s a guy in a suit.

Karen rolled her eyes, as if to say, I have executive in my job title, and said, that’s the new Speaker.

OHHHHHH, the new Speaker! I excused myself by shoving her out of my way and making a beeline for him.

Me: “Rep. Smithee! Congratulations!”
Guy in Suit: “I’m not Smithee.”
Me: “Of course, I apologize, Rep. Solomons, I didn’t recognize you with the new haircut.”
Guy in Suit: “I’m Joe Straus.”
Me: “Speaker Straus! Of course! That’s what I said! I love your tie!”

The Guy in a Suit (now known as Speaker Straus) turned away from me, but I followed him saying, “Um, if I could just introduce myself…” He spun around. “Listen, lady, if you want to apply to be my budget director, you should know that I don’t hire people who spill wine all over themselves.”

I looked down at my shirt. Damn it. And red is so hard to get out.

In my defense, I probably need glasses but I refuse to go to the eye doctor because I’m afraid he’ll tell me that my vision has been compromised by staring at a computer screen 24-7, and not only is my sight going, but I should really do something about those crow’s feet.

The only people I recognize anymore are other Facebook users. That is why I’ve launched my legislator outreach program by trying to friend everyone who looks like they could maybe work in or around or at least kind of near the Capitol.

It’s going to be an interesting session.

Note to readers: Posting will be light as we have our editorial retreat all day today. As is customary, one of the staff has been taken to an undisclosed location in case the Four Seasons is hit by a hurricane. So there will at least be one person left to run the magazine.

Of the six candidates vying to lead the RNC, no one is more prepared to take on this thing we call “social media” like incumbent chairman Mike Duncan.

“We have to do it in the Facebook, with the Twittering, the different technology that young people are using today,” Duncan said in a debate earlier this week at the National Press Club. Is “the Twittering” related to “the Google”?

His challengers were quick to jump on the Internet Express. “Let me just say that I have 4,000 friends on Facebook,” said former Ohio secretary of state Ken Blackwell. Saul Anuzis, chairman of the Michigan Republicans, claimed to have “somewhere between 2- and 3,000 friends.” Not to be outdone, former chairman of the Tennessee GOP Chip Saltsman said that he blogs “religiously” at BarackTheMagicNegro.com.

I decided to perform a quick fact check (by asking One of the Interns who I refer to as Intern #2 to get on the Facebook), and discovered that current chair Mike Duncan is not on there. The first name that comes up is Michael Clarke Duncan, the actor who appeared in “The Green Mile,” who may or may not be related. Saltsman is on there and I’ve since added him as a friend. “Saulius” Saul Anuzis is, indeed, a Facebooker and I was surprised to find that we have one friend in common. Same with chairman of the South Carolina GOP, Katon [sic] Dawson.

The self-proclaimed most popular guy on Facebook, Blackwell, is there but I could only find his fan page. With 168 supporters. While Michael Steele, the former lieutenant governor of Maryland, has 4,051. FACE!

All of the candidates, meanwhile, say they are working hard to save the online porn industry.

As I said earlier, I spoke to the Austin Lawyers’ Auxiliary this morning about the Internets and social networking. I am something of an expert on this topic since I spent a better part of this year begging total strangers to friend me on Facebook. The meeting was held at a beautiful house in a rich neighborhood where I don’t belong.

I asked the owner if she would adopt me and everyone laughed and then I said, no, seriously, and they kind of nervously laughed. I never did get an answer.

Needless to say, I snooped around before our hostess caught me looking through her closet. I told her that I was simply looking for the powder room, acting very offended when she eyed me with suspicion, and demanded I give her back her jewelry.

We gathered in the living room nibbling on mini-quiches when I asked the women if they were all lawyers. One of the women responded that they were actually the wives of lawyers (although some are lawyers as well). It’s like the First Wives Club except they’re not divorced. Or I suppose some of them could be. It’s not unheard of.

I asked if we could go around the room and everyone could say their name, age, annual household income, and how many times they’ve been married but no dice.

I went on to talk about how all their daughters are on Facebook to meet older men, and how they blog to get the attention they are not receiving at home, and they may even be having cyber-sex with anonymous men who will be caught on “To Catch a Predator,” if they’re lucky. They asked me to leave, and I laughed because they were obviously joking.

They were all lovely women and now I’m going to friend them on Facebook and if they ignore my requests I will tweet them until they acquiesce.