Yes, today marks the first day of special session, which means that, outside of shutting down every public school in Texas, stripping sick toddlers of Medicaid, and redistricting Democrats out of their homes, Perry can add other items to the agenda, such as reviving the ban on sanctuary cities. So all of you illegal Mexican terrorists and your illegal Mexican terrorist babies can be swiftly deported if you don’t have your papers on you at all times.

Meanwhile Dewhurst has said he will bypass the two-thirds rule in the Senate in order to take up such emergency legislation as Dan Patrick’s airport groping bill. Patrick had accused Dewhurst of siding with the federal government’s jack-booted thugs on TSA security instead of standing up for everyone’s right to wear explosive underwear on planes. But once Alex Jones got involved, Dewhurst caved. A mere lieutenant governor has nothing on a conspiracist radio host with legions of devoted sociopath followers.

No doubt the special session will interfere with some people’s summer travel plans. It won’t interfere with my travel plans as I managed to avoid the Capitol and work at coffee shops all during the regular session, mostly because I have no grown-up clothes. Of course, I don’t “travel” as much as “summer.” I have a Crosby/Kennedy family reunion in a month at a location which will remain secret for obvious security reasons. I’m also thinking of going to Italy in August if I can get funding for it. Please let me know if you’d like to contribute.

(Note to readers: Seriously, keep your travel plans. The Lege doesn’t deserve your attention.)

I’m watching the Senate debate on the rules and Voter ID via streaming video because I forgot about that whole “business attire” deal and I wore my velour sweatsuit to work this morning. So I’m sitting here squinting at my monitor screen trying to figure out who’s who because everyone knows that squinting helps your vision.

They are debating a proposal by Dan Patrick (R-ScrewTheRulesVille) to amend the two-thirds rule into a three-fifths rule for voter ID legislation. (Currently they’re discussing a resolution by Tommy Williams.) This would mean that you’d only need to meet a three-fifths threshold to bring a bill up for debate. Fractions are hard.

(Keep hitting refresh because I’ll continue blogging at least for five more minutes or until my eyes glaze over, which is to say, five more minutes. Tops.)

Now obviously the D’s, who are in the minority, are not happy about this. Especially John Whitmire, who looks like he might lose it at any minute. Lt. Gov. Dewhurst seems pretty cool and collected, and not passionate either way, mostly because he’s looking for dates on the Twitter.

So if you’re following my non-live blogging, you should know that I’m following Patti Hart’s updates from the floor, because obviously she got the memo about the appropriate Senate wardrobe. She quoted Williams as saying, the two-thirds rule “is a good thing. I have been a House member who lost his entire package in Calendars Committee.”

Blink. That’s what she said.

I actually just tried to pause my streaming video to go get lunch, thinking that I’d be able to pause, you know, the whole Senate and life as we know it. Damn my DVR mentality!

I just looked up the resolution, SR 14, and the only text I could find was “Adopting Permanent Rules of the Senate of the 81st Legislature.” The anticipation is killing me. I’m actually sitting at my desk practicing fractions. Does anybody have a protractor I can borrow?

OK. I’ll bite. Where’s Montgomery County?

Williams: “Partisan politics has been injected into this issue.” I keep expecting him to break down laughing, saying, “Oh man, I’m totally just fucking with you guys.”

Shapiro’s on the phone. I think she’s as bored as I am. If that’s possible. Now they’re talking about voter fraud.

Instead of a three-fifths rule, what about a rule that forbids any talking on the Senate floor, requiring all future debates to be pantomimed? For the love of God, can someone turn off the mics?

This should make everyone feel better. Mississippi! They’re just like us! Despite the fact that voter ID efforts have failed for the past decade, the Mississippi Legislature intends to take it up once more. The bill is supported by Gov. Haley Barbour.

Carlos Uresti is offering an amendment for veterans’ mental health. Williams wants to table it because it’s so obviously partisan and divisive. The D’s will most likely continue to offer amendments and Williams will continue to table and the vote will be along party lines. Spoiler.

I think we’re done here.

When I first started blogging in 2005, the Texans for a Republican Majority PAC was being sued for using corporate money to elect more Republicans to the House. I actually went down to the Travis County courthouse to listen in because I wasn’t “working” so much as “using my blog as an excuse to sit on my ass.” I remember Speaker Craddick not showing up in court after claiming that he couldn’t remember whether he had shredded some incriminating documents. I don’t know about you, but if I had specifically shredded certain documents that I thought might incriminate me–like ripped them up and lit them on fire and threw the ashes into Town Lake in the middle of the night–I think I would have remembered. That day I thought to myself, this is a guy to watch.

And watch I did. For three long and painful years.

Of course, I knew of Craddick before 2005. When he defeated Pete Laney for Speaker in 2003, I was leaving the Legislature. (Incidentally, Rep. Talmadge Heflin was the incoming chair of Appropriations, and I was deathly afraid that he would pass a rider requiring all the committee staffers to GET IN HIS BELLY.) And thank God I left when I did, considering the 10,000 special sessions on school finance and the redistricting map to end all redistricting maps.

Back to TRMPAC. In September 2005, Craddick escaped indictment despite the fact that he “passed along” a $100,000 check to TRMPAC from some nursing home business. A nursing home? Who steals from a nursing home besides that dad in Say Anything? Nothing was more important to Craddick than maintaining a Republican Majority. Except maybe his million-dollar renovations bankrolled by lobbyists to the Speaker’s apartment.

But the Speaker did have his lighter side, as evidenced in this photo sent to me anonymously. If you’ve ever been a bridesmaid, you know how the photographer will urge you to do a “crazy pic”? And you stare at them blankly and do something stupid like giving the girl next to you the old rabbit ears? Yeah. Kind of like that.

However, I will always have a special place in my heart for Craddick, as he was the one who inspired the first of way too many When Harry Met Sally vignettes.

Dewhurst: There are two kinds of Speakers: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Craddick: And Speaker Pete Laney was low maintenance?
Dewhurst: An L.M. Definitely.
Craddick: Which one am I?
Dewhurst: You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance, but you think you’re low maintenance.
Craddick: I don’t see that.
Dewhurst: You don’t see that? (He mimics Craddick’s typical House rulings.) “Rep. Thompson, your point of order is respectfully overruled.” “Rep. Dunnam, for what purpose?” “Show the Chair voting aye.” “Show the Chair voting aye” is a very big thing for you.
Craddick: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Dewhurst: I know, high maintenance.

A District judge ruled Thursday that Speaker Tom Craddick must give up his secret political journal from the 2003 state redistricting battle. But Craddick said they’ll have to find his miniature diary key first.

The calendar in question, which was lovingly maintained by the Speaker’s campaign staff, may contain public information about state business pertaining to Tom DeLay, TRMPAC, TAB and the contentious redistricting plan which prompted Democrats to flee to Ardmore. It may also note the day of the year that the Craddicks engage in marital relations.

“The speaker is not above the law,” said attorney Jeremy Wright. “Our belief is that something in those calendars relates to state business. We don’t want our officials hiding their public activities by including them only in private calendars and removing it from their official state calendars.”

But according to Alexis DeLee, Craddick’s press secretary, the Speaker’s calendar is not a public document and is therefore exempt from the Texas Public Information Act. The Attorney General’s office, which is representing Craddick, has held that appointment calendars are subject to the open records law.

Feldman’s lawyer contends that when Craddick’s official state calendar referred to ‘O.C.’ over 140 times, it stood for ‘Outside Calendar.’ DeLee said that Craddick is just a really, really big fan of ‘The O.C.’

They’ve finally set the date.

The run-off election in CD 23 between Republican Congressman Henry Bonilla and Democrat Ciro Rodriguez is scheduled for December 12, according to Governor Perry’s Latino spokesman Luis Saenz. Rodriguez is not happy about the date because it doesn’t give him quite enough time to come up with a campaign.

“This is yet another coordinated Republican scheme to manipulate the electoral process in order to limit voter participation,” Rodriguez said. Well, Ciro, if you had actually stayed in the race instead of dropping out and getting back in, this wouldn’t be as much of an issue.

If the Democrats can’t win this special election, it’s because they backed the wrong candidate. The new district now includes Hispanic South Bexar County. Henry Bonilla hates Hispanics. You’d think this would be a slam dunk. But, according to Rodriguez spokesperson Vanessa Gonzalez, three weeks isn’t enough time to “educate voters about Henry Bonilla’s record.” Here. I’ll do it for you via ITPT archives:

• Both Bonilla’s parents and great-grandparents came over from Mexico and his grandfather was a migrant Mexican farmworker. Bonilla grew up in the projects of San Antonio and has been full of self-loathing ever since. He masks his pain by acting like a dick.
• Bonilla resides in the mostly Republican white suburbs of San Antonio and rarely mixes with his Hispanic constituents except when they’re powerwashing his house… According to Bonilla’s lawyer J.D. Pauerstein, the new redistricting plan risks “losing too much of Mr. Bonilla’s base and bringing in too much of Democratic Bexar County.”
• Republican Congressman Henry Bonilla launched his re-election campaign at his childhood house on the South Side in the newly created District 23. Bonilla hasn’t been back to the South Side since he left at 16, promising to become a rich white Congressman.
• If you suffer from “Bonilla fatigue,” you may experience nausea, discomfort and insomnia after watching Bonilla speak. Also, you may get an erection lasting more than four hours. But not likely.

Lobbyist and former Perry chief of staff Mike Toomey was added yesterday as a defendant in a lawsuit against the Texas Association of Business, Texans for Lawsuit Reform and Texans for a Republican Majority, or TRMPAC. New documents show that Toomey was a big-time player and fundraiser for TAB during the 2002 Texas elections. Sometimes, he even had donor checks sent directly to him.

In a deposition filed in Travis County District Court in July, Toomey claims that he simply collaborated with the business groups to help them coordinate direct mailings attacking Texas Democrats. “There were discussions about, you know, what different groups were doing,” Toomey said. “I don’t know who ultimately determined what would go in the mailers.”

He did admit that he “might have been consulted” on how the groups spent the $1.7 million in corporate donations. “It wouldn’t surprise me if I was.” It wouldn’t SURPRISE YOU? You CAN’T REMEMBER? That’s like me looking back on my life saying that I “might have blogged” at some point and “It wouldn’t surprise me if I had.”

Never mind the fact that Toomey shook down his personal lobbying clients to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars; he’s also claiming temporary memory loss saying that he “can’t remember” and he “wasn’t aware” and he “doesn’t know where his pants are.”

Republican Congressman Henry Bonilla isn’t going to like the new voting map drawn by three federal judges. Mostly because his new district will include far more Hispanics. Now, you’d think at first blush that Hispanics would support a fellow Hispanic but Bonilla has been accused of being a white man in latinoface.

/what’d she say?

At a redistricting hearing Thursday, Presiding Judge Patrick Higginbotham of the Dallas Higginbothams suggested Bonilla’s current district in South and West Texas would spread more into Bexar County or, as Bonilla calls it, ‘his worst nightmare.’ Bonilla resides in the mostly Republican white suburbs of San Antonio and rarely mixes with his Hispanic constituents except when they’re powerwashing his house.

According to Bonilla’s lawyer J.D. Pauerstein, the new plan risks “losing too much of Mr. Bonilla’s base and bringing in too much of Democratic Bexar County.” And by ‘Democratic Bexar County,’ he means ‘all those Mexicans.’ But Judge Higginbotham said that it was inevitable that at least one Congressman would be unhappy with the new map and that Bonilla “is kind of the odd one out here.” Let’s face it. He’s kind of the odd one anywhere.

Congressman Lloyd Doggett fared better than Bonilla and will most likely keep a portion of Travis County, stretching all the way from Quack’s to Hyde Park Grill. Attorney General Greg Abbott had filed a map that would have split Travis County up for three Republicans. Abbott said, with a straight face, that the map he filed on behalf of the state would “set aside all kinds of partisan issues.”

I hate that guy.

Last night I saw John Colyandro at Pure Austin. He was in my spin class (FRONT ROW) wearing a blue shirt and black spandex. Immediately, I thought to myself, tomorrow’s post just fell in my lap. But then something strange happened. I actually started feeling sorry for him despite the ice that runs through my veins.

There he sat, the former executive director of TRMPAC who was indicted for infusing $190,000 in illegal corporate donations during the ’02 elections. The founder of the Texas Conservative Coalition. Karl Rove’s crony and Tom DeLay’s henchman. And to top it all off, he’s wearing black spandex. Oh he is such fair game. Even if the guy does face possible jail time of up to 99 years.

You know why? Because I think he’s a very bad man. He engaged in criminal activity and should be punished accordingly, even if he did politely wipe the sweat off his bike for the incoming spin class. He did some terrible things in the name of global Republican domination and personal and professional greed. Plus he’s a real hypocrite and that always comes back to bite you in the ass.

Take one of the main tenets of the Texas Conservative Coalition: traditional family values and the sanctity of marriage. If marriage is such a sacred bond to conservatives, then why would a dutiful Christian wife leave her husband over a little thing like money laundering? Talk about fidelity.

Sure, Colyandro’s not your typical criminal. He doesn’t seem like a thug. He looks like a guy you could have a beer with while laughing at the downfall of the Democratic party, if that’s your thing. You can’t really picture him in prison. Maybe he’s sorry for what he did. But I bet he could have gone his whole life without feeling a shred of guilt if he hadn’t been caught.

Unlike Perry, Dewhurst and Craddick, I don’t pretend to “understand” “redistricting” and its “consequences.” But when I hear that Congressman Lloyd Doggett’s district may be in danger, I spring into action. Which is to say, I blog about it. Which is to say, if a blogger blogs and no one reads it, does it turn into a tree that doesn’t make a sound?

The state leadership’s proposed congressional map would split Travis County among three Republican incumbents and leave Lloyd Doggett out in Honduras. They can’t be serious. Can you really see a Republican strolling into Quack’s Coffeehouse and not getting mugged? The only thing that would save him from those chess-playing, Saturn-driving, peace-loving “aspiring musician” types from pummeling him with a day-old blueberry scone is that they’re stoned out of their gourds.

“The state’s map is a map that Tom DeLay would be proud of,” said Ed Martin, a Democratic redistricting expert whose sole function in life is to be quoted for this kind of article. Doggett would need to face off between Rep. Lamar Smith (no relation) of San Antonio while grappling with Rep. Michael McCaul of nowhere in particular. Doggett himself lives in East Austin off Rosewood Avenue. Andy Brown lives in his garage apartment.

“It’s a soap opera,” said Travis County Commissioner Ron Davis. “I don’t know if it’s ‘The Edge of Night’ or ‘Wait Until Tomorrow.’ ”

How about ‘One Life to Live’?

Attorneys for the state have submitted proposed redistricting plans for the unconstitutional congressional district (per QR), which would be all of them but is actually just one of them because the Supreme Court said so and that’s final. Congressman Lloyd Doggett has sent his legal opinion to the court via airmail from San Salvador, along with a plea for bottled water and an AK-47.

In his brief, Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz said that the extreme makeover of South Texas District 23 would impact three surrounding districts while leaving a Republican majority in Congress. So, in layman’s terms, it means it doesn’t matter. A three-judge federal panel will decide what the new congressional districts will look like. You may recall that CD 23 was declared illegal because it failed to protect minority voting rights. And by ‘minority,’ we mean ‘Hispanics.’ And by ‘Hispanics,’ we mean ‘legal immigrants.’ And by ‘legal immigrants’ in El Paso, we mean ‘none.’

There are also two redistricting lawsuits from Attorney General Greg Abbott and the Mexican-American Legal Defense Fund. The MALDEF map represents the winning plaintiffs in the Supreme Court ruling. Abbott’s lawsuit represents the Texas leadership but has been put on indefinite hold until he rids MySpace of all illegal sandwich makers.

I don’t understand this map. Neither do you.

A federal panel is giving the redistricting battle two more weeks before U.S. District Judge John Ward cuts the baby in half. And that is one ugly baby. Proposed changes on both sides must be submitted by July 14, and oral arguments are scheduled for August 3. The 23rd Congressional District, which has tentacles reaching into San Antonio to Laredo to El Paso to San Salvador, has been tossed out.

The new map has to be redrawn by the November elections. Governor Rick Perry said that he would rather have the Lege make redistricting decisions but that he would wait for the court’s decision, which means he’s totally calling a special session. Maybe that’s why Patrick Rose was getting all buff. “To play a lot of what-ifs is not great,” Perry said. “I mean, what if that doesn’t work out?”

The Supremes, while upholding most of the 2003 map, declared the district ‘unconstitutional’ and ‘irrelevant,’ mostly because it’s home to 100,000 Hispanics.

“We want to be sure that Latino voters have a voice in congressional elections in this state,” said Nina Perales of the Mexican-American Legal Defense Fund. “They want as much of a chance as anyone else to vote against Chris Bell.”

Due to Wednesday’s Supreme Court ruling on redistricting, it looks like South Texas may have at least six House seats in play, culminating in a rousing game of Latino musical chairs. Democrats are claiming that this could give Hispanic voters the voice they’ve been looking for in their congressional districts. Until they get deported, that is.

Take the 23rd Congressional District (no, seriously, take it). It’s currently represented by Republican Rep. Henry Bonilla of San Antonio. The Supremes ruled that Bonilla’s district was not only unconstitutional but illogical because he’s a Hispanic and a Republican. How does that make sense? “It’s a good morning for Republicans,” said GOP consultant Royal Masset, “although not necessarily for Henry Bonilla. … I think Bonilla is going to have to do a lot of hustling if he wants to find a new seat.” Masset added, “And we better start hustling for another token Republican Hispanic. Does anyone have Henry Cuellar’s number?”

By ruling that Bonilla’s district has to be redrawn, the Supremes have basically taken a big chunk out of South Texas with a side of frijoles. It’s virtually impossible to reshape one district without affecting other districts. The seats in play could impact those currently held by Henry Cuellar (D); Lamar Smith (R); Lloyd Doggett (D); Ruben Hinojosa (D); and Solomon Ortiz (D). No wonder the Democrats are excited. They can finally unseat fellow Democrats. But really, it’s all about Bonilla.

According to Webb County Democratic Chairman (don’t quit your day job) Javier Montemayor, “That’s going to be the question: How do we fix Henry Bonilla’s unconstitutional district? One of the attempts probably will be to take Hispanic voters out of Webb County and give them to Bonilla. I don’t think that’s a solution.”

I don’t think so either. Doesn’t Bonilla have enough Hispanics power-washing his house?

The U.S. Supremes Wednesday upheld most of Tom DeLay’s Texas redistricting map. As Chief Justice John Roberts said, “Why should Hispanics have the right to vote? Aren’t most of them being deported soon?” The Court did throw out a part of the map for failing to protect minority voting rights, claiming that the Voting Rights Act renders newly created District 23 invalid. But on the charge of ‘partisan gerry- mandering,’ not so much. I mean, how many times was Justice Scalia going to refer to the Democrats as ‘whiny crybabies?’

The map was defended by the Texas Attorney General’s office in between investigating the chicken salad at Texas French Bread. The Democrats, meanwhile, are hailing the decision as a “small victory” in their fight against the map, which has taken up so much of their time over the past three years that they haven’t had the chance to organize a decent Democratic statewide ticket. How much smaller can your victory be?

Approximately 100,000 Hispanics were shifted to CD23, represented by incumbent Republican Henry Bonilla – a far cry from Laredo. I’m not even convinced Bonilla is Hispanic. I bet his real name is Smith (no relation). Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote that “Hispanics do not have a chance to elect a candidate of their choosing under the plan.” Dude. I don’t even have the chance to elect a candidate of my choosing. And I’m white. Talk about unconstitutional.

The Supremes also ruled that states can re-draw maps any time they want, not just every 10 years, as the plaintiffs argued. I don’t even know who represents me anymore, but I have a feeling it might be Andy Brown.

But according to Richard Hasen, an election law expert, “Some people are predicting a rash of mid-decade redistricting. I am skeptical. It would be seen as a power grab in a lot of places.”

Like that’s stopped them before.

On Wednesday, the U.S. Supreme Court will hear the Texas redistricting case. And, by “hear,” I mean “Ruth Bader Ginsburg might be listening.”

The justices will decide whether to uphold the 2003 congressional district map or throw it out. If you think the Supreme Court will actually throw out this map, you’re probably still waiting for them to revisit the 2000 Bush v. Gore decision.

Washington lawyer Paul Smith (no relation) is representing the congressional Democrats who lost their seats after redistricting. Nina Peralas with the Mexican American Legal Defense and Educational Fund is representing Latino voters in South and West Texas. Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz and Deputy U.S. Solicitor General Gregory Garre will be defending the map, which is a step up from their previous jobs which entailed… soliciting.

“Every court that has considered the plaintiffs’ claims has rejected them, and we’re confident the U.S. Supreme Court will do the same,” Cruz said. Those poor Democrats have been rejected more times than a 35-year-old at Fado. Seriously. Stop hanging out at faux Irish pubs ogling twentysomethings. Send me an email with your photo and vital stats and I’ll pass it along to Tickled Pink.

Tom DeLay, the main architect of Texas redistricting, stands accused of illegally diverting funds to Republican statehouse candidates. Former U.S. Rep. Nick Lampson is running against DeLay. Lampson has a chance if the Supreme Court redraws the map and cuts out Sugar Land.

Texas Republicans don’t just eat their own. They binge and purge like a sorority girl trying to fit into last year’s jeans, and then they wait for someone else to clean it up. (Now, bear with me, as I am trying to decipher my notes I jotted down on cocktail napkins. Otherwise known as, citizen journalism at its finest.)

Let’s take a look at the Tommy Merritt race. Governor Perry has put up a Republican challenger in HD 7 named Mark Williams. Usually it’s Speaker Craddick doing the dirty work, and Guv Lite Dewhurst working it behind the scenes at Austin Land & Cattle. (Seriously, does that guy sleep there?) So why is the leadership trying to get rid of fellow Republicans like Merritt, Joe Nixon and Peggy Hamric (both running for the same Senate seat), Charlie Geren and Ray Allen (granted, he had his own reasons for resigning)? Are the challengers more conservative? Less likely to rock the boat? Clones under the mind control of Craddick?

Williams calls himself a pro-life conservative and church leader who understands East Texas values, while Merritt obviously worships the devil. Only a satanist would introduce a school finance bill in the last special session that would have restored teacher pay raises and provided $295 million to Texas schools. Anyone who has crossed Craddick is in danger of losing their seats.

Of course, with any luck, Craddick won’t be around for next session. That TRMPAC scandal that didn’t seem to stick to him may just bite his ass in the end. But don’t worry… why do you think Terry Keel is running for the Court of Criminal Appeals?

Since when is money laundering a crime? Texans for a Republican Majority PAC and Texas Association of Business have been indicted for using corporate money illegally to, well, ensure a Republican Majority in the Lege in 2002. (Best-selling tee that year: “We Ensured a Republican Majority and All I Got was Tom Craddick?!”)

The indictments include 128 counts against TAB and two counts against TRMPAC. 128 counts? I bet TAB’s president Bill Hammond is sweatin’ it right now. Except for the fact that he wasn’t indicted. Despite appearances, Hammond is one slippery little sucker.

Speaker Tom Craddick wasn’t called out in the indictments either. Even though he “passed along” a $100,000 check to TRMPAC from some DC-based nursing home business. You can bet that there are some angry Meemaws and Pawpaws out there, with no more live entertainment from Michael Bolton during scrabble tournaments.

DA Ronnie Earle has been investigating this for three years and THIS IS THE BEST HE CAN DO?! I wanted to see Craddick in STRIPES banging out LICENSE PLATES, man. Or at least working on a chain gang.

I can’t believe it. We finally have a TRMPAC ruling.

State District Judge Joe Hart has ruled that Bill Ceverha, the treasurer for Texans for a Republican Majority (stage name: Texans for a New World Order), is one guilty mofo.

From the Statesman: Hart ruled there was overwhelming evidence that the political committee created by U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Sugar Land, raised and spent the corporate money to help elect Republican legislators. He rejected arguments that the money was used to administer the political committee and that the money wasn’t used to “expressly advocate” the election or to defeat candidates.

Judge Hart found against TRMPAC on all counts, and awarded the five winning plaintiffs (previously referred to as the five losing Democratic candidates)… $196,660. $196,660? That’s IT? That’s, like, lunch money for Bill Ceverha. And they have to SPLIT IT five ways. So they each get $39K for their troubles. If you see former Austin Rep. Ann Kitchen sporting some new sweater sets, well, now you know why…

As I climbed out of my Easter ham-induced torpor this morning, I found this alarming email missive from Democrat Non-Candidate for Texas Governor (maybe) Chris Bell. Holy shit! What do I do? Duck and cover? Stop, drop and roll? Buy plastic sheeting and duct tape? Why haven’t the damn sirens on the schools been going off?

You may remember Mr. Bell, a former Houston congressman, as one of the victims when Tom DeLay and Ashton Kutcher teamed up to redistrict Texas’ congressional boundaries on the most hilarious episode of Punk’d, ever.

Now Bell has “begun the process of exploring the race for Governor” (and they say Democrats are wishy-washy). Apparently, part of the process is to ring the ethics alarm, presumably after sliding down the ethics pole into the ethics cave. Hey, I’ve been underemployed for a while too. Ease up and settle into it, man.

Other potential Democratic contenders include former Comptroller John Sharp, former Austin Mayor Kirk Watson (Keep Texas Weird) and 2002 loser, Tony Sanchez. You may remember Sanchez’s scintillating campaign in which he took bold stances on issues such as admitting that he was “Hispanic” and that he “loved his family.” Yes, the Democratic candidate pool is shallow enough for just about anyone to get their feet wet.

Back to the emergency, already in progress. In the email, Bell establishes his ethics bona fides:

In June 2004, then-U.S. Rep. Bell broke a seven-year-long ethics truce by filing an ethics complaint against Majority Leader Tom DeLay.”

There was an ethics truce? An ethics armistice? An ethics detente? Sometimes, I lose faith in our form of government.

The straws that broke the ethics camel’s back this time? HB 3148 by Rep. Sylvester Turner (a Houston Dem – at least, he used to be), which, according to Bell, would give blanket civil immunity for “violations of law involving the making, acceptance, or reporting of political contributions and expenditures,” and HB 913 by Rep. Mary Denny, which would give political appointees veto power over criminal prosecutions of violations of the state election code.

(We’ll be posting a link shortly, to ethics camel merchandise. Warning: The ethics camel will make your children more ethical, but will also increase the likelihood of them smoking.)

Ah, but what to do? I guess I should call my state rep now and ask him to vote against these bills? Remember to vote for Bell should he move beyond beginning the “exploration process” of maybe perhaps possibly running for Gov? Mr. Bell doesn’t say. Take a cue from MoveOn.org. Whenever they send me something like this (15 times a week), it includes ACTION-ITEMS.

Here it is, the first day of the Austin witch trials, and the man of the hour is a no-show. I slept outside the courthouse on a lawn chair for NOTHING?? How did Speaker Craddick weasel his way out of testifying? According to the Statesman, Craddick said he “might have shredded any communications he had with Texans for a Republican Majority two years ago.”

MIGHT HAVE SHREDDED?? As in, oops, I might have shredded some documents that might lead to a court appearance which might tarnish my sterling reputation which might lead to my ouster as MOST POWERFUL TEXAN? THAT kind of might? At least TRMPAC’s treasurer and self-employed lobbyist, Bill Ceverha, showed up. He’s being sued by five D’s who are claiming he ruined their lives by spending dirty corporate donations on their campaigns.

Ceverha will be playing the role as lone defendant, “Fall Boy.” But don’t feel too sorry for him. In the mid-80s, then-state Rep. Ceverha owned a rental house dubbed “Macho Manor” and roomed with Majority Leader Tom “Hot Tub” DeLay. Ceverha was dubbed one of the 10 worst legislators by Texas Monthly.

I know what you’re thinking–how did a guy who looks like this ever live in a place called Macho Manor?

Good question. I’ve got another one. How does a guy who looks like this earn the nickname “Hot Tub?”