At a Rick Perry event today in New Hampshire, attendees were being asked to prove that they’re American citizens before being allowed in the door. Don’t judge. At my last dinner party I checked everyone’s ID to make sure they were at least over 35. If they weren’t, I quietly asked them to leave by screaming at them to get the hell out of my house and come back when they’re potty trained. Like I can carry on a conversation staring at a wrinkle-free forehead.

At the town hall event, held at the illustrious Granite State Manufacturing plant, a company employee sat with a Perry staffer at the door and asked attendees to show valid ID, adding that non-citizens wouldn’t be admitted. It seems a little harsh to ask people who are actually taking the time to attend your stupid event to prove their citizenship. I mean, seriously? Perry could use all the help he can get. He should be letting farm animals in at this point to help fill the bleachers.

Perry’s campaign later backtracked saying that it was all a misunderstanding. The defense contracting company clarified that immigrants are allowed on the premises as long as they are accompanied by an employee escort. What, is the Perry team afraid the immigrants will steal their precious campaign schwag? Apparently the governor will give them a college education, just not an extra “Perry 2012″ button.

In a speech today in Iowa, Perry is expected to get back on his anti-government message by laying out several proposals and constitutional amendments to overhaul the federal government including a part-time Congress, Supreme Court and federal judge term limits, a work-from-home Cabinet, a complete shut-down of the Smithsonian and a part-time First Lady. “I do not believe Washington needs a new coat of paint, it needs a complete overhaul,” Perry will say. “We need to uproot, tear down and rebuild Washington, D.C. and our federal institutions.” Finally Perry admits that sometimes a new coat of paint just isn’t enough.

In case you’re wondering what Perry means by “part-time Congress,” look no further than our fine Texas Legislature, which meets only every two years to pass a budget. It’s worked out really well for our state as evidenced by our premium health care system, excellent schools, fierce protection of civil rights and formidable benefits for the poor and unemployed.

In his prepared comments, Perry quotes Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3: “There is a time to plant and a time to uproot … there is a time to tear down and a time to build.” And then he ripped off his dress shirt to reveal a “Dance Your Ass off!” t-shirt.

Ecclesiastes assures us… that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh… and a time to weep. A time to mourn… and there is a time to dance. And there was a time for this law, but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance. It is our way of celebrating life. It’s the way it was in the beginning. It’s the way it’s always been. It’s the way it should be now.

Perry continues, “It is time to tear down the monuments to bureaucratic failure and in their place build a smaller, more efficient federal government that puts the American people first.” These bold proposals are in addition to eliminating the Departments of Commerce, Education and OMG I FORGET. I’m not sure what Ecclesiastes says but according to Eileeniastes, Chapter 12, Verses 11-13, there is a time for politics and a time for ’80s movies.

Not that you asked but my swollen eye has gotten worse. I’m seriously considering going to Walgreens and buying an eye patch but I feel like that says I’ve completely given up on living my life as a normal person. But I did manage to get my Observer column done by overdosing on steroid eye drops.

Who knew that so much damage could be done in under a minute? In Wednesday night’s CNBC Republican debate, Rick Perry managed to seal his fate as this election’s darling-turned-deadbeat, also known as the deadly Fred Thompson curse. In an uncomfortable moment for the entire country, Perry was unable to name the third government agency that he wants to get rid of as part of his strategy for making Washington DC as inconsequential in our lives as possible. That’s like him forgetting that he grew up in Paint Creek.

And if you missed him on David Letterman last night, here’s the Top 10. Good delivery but I’d have given him more credit if he had written the lines himself.

This morning I woke up with a swollen eye, like a Rocky-swollen eye. You should see the other guy. I am currently using my one good eye to blog about last night’s debate by covering my other eye with a wooden spoon. I suspect that my unexplained optical inflammation is a subconscious symbol of solidarity with Perry, a man who took more than his fair share of hits in the debate. And all because of his so-called “brain freeze” when he couldn’t name the government agencies that he wants to get rid of—a key tenet of his anti-government campaign. People, this wasn’t a brain freeze. This was Perry at his most playful. He was playing a game of “freeze tag” with himself and was unable to speak or move until Ron Paul untagged him or until moderator John Harwood said the magic word, “Seriously?”

Perry: It’s three agencies of government when I get there that are gone: Commerce, Education and the, uh, what’s the third one there, let’s see…
Ron Paul: Five, you have five.
Perry: Oh, five, okay, so Commerce, Education and the … uh … uh.
Mitt Romney: EPA?
Perry: EPA, there you go.
Harwood: Seriously, is EPA the one you were talking about?
Perry: No sir, no sir. We were talking about agencies of government. EPA needs to be rebuilt. No doubt about that.
Harwood: But you can’t name the third one?
Perry: The third agency of government I would do away with, the Education, the uh, Commerce. Let’s see. I can’t. The third one I can’t. Sorry. Oops.

WELL HE’S ONLY HUMAN. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been similarly blindsided. Like when someone asks, what do you do all day? And I stare at them blankly. Or, what day is it? And I smile uncomfortably, tap my forehead and say, I know this one. Then I call them back tomorrow and I’m like IT WAS MONDAY. So I get it. Unfortunately not many people ask me to name the members of the Supreme Court or the number of syrup flavors at Starbucks, including holiday beverages (216). Because apparently that’s not normal conversation.

It’s been quite a week in presidential politics. In case you missed it, Herman Cain faced allegations of sexual harassment and Rick Perry faced allegations of fondling sweet maple syrup. (Great. Now I’m hungry.) I discuss all this and more in my Observer column, which could be shut down any day now, depending on when Perry bites it. Clearly I have a vested interest in Perry staying in the race as the Observer doesn’t seem particularly interested in my new pitch, Starbucks: Are holiday lattes worth the risk of encountering a masturbatory patron?

The 2012 campaign was upended this week amidst accusations that one of the candidates had engaged in inappropriate behavior involving lewd gestures, uncomfortable comments and all-around improper conduct. Yes, it was difficult to watch Rick Perry’s continuing downward spiral as he spoke to a conservative audience in New Hampshire last weekend. In the somewhat manic speech—which went viral faster than the double rainbow video—Perry can be seen pointing at nobody, pulling postcards out of his suit pocket and giddily accepting a bottle of maple syrup from his host.

(I apologize for the delay. My site was down last night and the Observer site was down today. Clearly someone is trying to ambush me.)

You know your faltering campaign is faltering even more when there’s a headline like this: Perry wasn’t drunk at speech, says host

That’s almost as bad as “I wasn’t drunk at your stupid party, says me.” I always suspected that Perry would be a flop on the campaign trail but this is ridiculous. The speech the story is referring to, of course, is Perry’s now infamous manic speech in New Hampshire in which the oxygen supply to his brain had been cut off by his perennially tight shirt collar.

According to Kevin Smith, executive director of Cornerstone Action, “[Perry] wasn’t drinking at the event and he hadn’t been drinking prior to the event. I was sitting with him, and I found him to be very engaging with all of the people he was talking with, he was very articulate.” Smith asserted that Perry drank “only water” at the event. Sure. He drank “water.” As you all know, vodka has no smell. (Personally I haven’t been able to drink hard liquor since my sister’s wedding, which I apparently “ruined.”)

“He was definitely more animated than we’ve seen him during the campaign but the reports that he was buzzed or whatever never crossed any of our minds,” Smith said. Oh please. More animated equals buzzed. That’s why people drink, isn’t it? Because we may be just as incorrigible drunk as we are sober but at least we think we’re lovable for a few hours.

The viral video has clearly been edited to make Rick Perry look like your drunk uncle giving a rambling uncomfortable toast at the family reunion and embarrassing your long-suffering aunt. I’m sure the speech in its entirety is much more comprehensible.

So last night I stayed home to pass out candy to trick-or-treaters and everything was going fine until I only had two Milky Ways left. (Not surprisingly, the Kit Kats and Reeses went first. Fatties.) I saw four children walking up to the door and panicked. Luckily Vicodin kind of looks like candy. Needless to say I didn’t get even one piece of candy. Worst Halloween ever.

Now that Herman Cain has given a whole new definition to Meat Lovers/Deep Dish/Extra Pepperoni/Insert pizza joke here, it’s Rick Perry’s chance to pick up the sloppy seconds. Unfortunately Perry is looking more and more like, how do I put this, a man on the verge of a nervous breakdown, if not already in the eye of the storm. I’m assuming everyone saw his bizarro speech from the weekend. I mean, my jaw drops every time I see Perry in action. But this time I had to lift my jaw up off the floor, put it on ice and carry it to my dentist for an emergency surgery. And last Friday Perry used a completely fabricated quote from a satirical blog in another New Hampshire speech to illustrate his disdain for the Occupy movements. This one was supposedly from a fictional protestor named “Jeremy” at Occupy Toronto. (Canada? Seriously?)

It’s weird protesting on Bay Street. You get there at 9 a.m. and the rich bankers who you want to hurl insults at and change their worldview have been at work for two hours already. And then when it’s time to go, they’re still there. I guess that’s why they call them the one per cent. I mean, who wants to work those kinds of hours? That’s the power of greed.

As someone who writes a satirical blog, I’ve run into this problem before. It’s difficult to separate fact from fiction, which is why I try to make it very clear that I don’t really have a strong aversion to single ladies or communists or Episcopalians or toddlers or powerwashing nannies. Only sometimes.

So I’m sitting here at Starbucks screaming PERVERT at any guy heading to the bathroom. I’m happy to announce that I have explained Perry’s flat tax plan in detail in my latest Observer column here.

This week Rick Perry unveiled his long-awaited economic plan that would provide taxpayers with a choice: Continue being government stooges by paying your current income tax rate or liberate yourself by opting for a 20 percent flat-rate income tax. You might think that amounts to a big tax cut for the rich, but that’s because you’re a bitter middle-class income earner.

I know what you’re thinking. What does IIIIN know about finance? I’ll have you know that when I worked at the House Appropriations Committee, lo those many years ago, my official job title was “budget analyst.” This meant that whenever someone asked me a question, I called the Legislative Budget Board demanding an answer. It worked out pretty well until people started noticing that all I did all day was eat the free bagels in the break room and decorate my catacombs cube with leftover Gore 2000 stickers.

I called my accountant earlier this week to ask him about the flat tax. The first thing he told me was that it wouldn’t help me, seeing that we are a single-income household and I contribute nothing except to my husband’s migraines. Then he told me that if I ever called him on his home phone again he would turn me into the IRS for not reporting my $50 in annual freelance income.

I’m not sure if any of you have noticed but I’ve been contributing some of my insightful commentary to Politico’s Arena. They reached out to me, which is to say, I noticed Jason Stanford on there and thought, how do I get on that gravy train? And, yes. I’m wearing a vintage colonial blouse in my profile pic.

Yesterday Rick Perry came out against Confederate license plates in Texas, effectively losing the Confederate Army’s vote. According to Perry, “We don’t need to be scraping old wounds.” Let me be the first to commend the governor on his decision. I trust this won’t affect the Confederate flag stickers adorning Ford trucks, typically accompanied by Calvin peeing on a Chevy decals and NRA seals.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans, under the leadership of Land Commissioner General Jerry Lee Patterson, had pushed for the vanity plates. The group has backed other Confederate initiatives such as displaying battle flags at state buildings and shooting at black people at random (oh, come on, they’re blanks). The issue is always the same—opponents say it’s offensive, supporters say it’s historical. How about we compromise and say it’s historically offensive.

Although Perry has sided with the group in the past, he’s running for office for Pete’s sake!

Campaigning in Wilton, Iowa over the weekend at a corn, alfalfa and soybean farm, Perry said that it’s an honor to “get my feet back on some good black fertile soil.” Racist. In the latest Iowa CBS/NYT poll Perry is in 5th place, behind Cain, Romney, Ron Paul and World Cup soccer goalie Hope Solo. What is he even doing there?

“It’s a real treat to spend some time on a family farm,” Perry told the unruly crowd of creepy bloodthirsty children brandishing farm tools. “It reminds me of the place I grew up.” Turning toward the enormous green and yellow tractor behind him, Perry was overcome by cotton farming memories. “I think an 8640 was the last John Deere tractor like that one that I actually sat on and made a living on.”

Good times. Granted I’ve never worked on a cotton farm or any farm for that matter but I can’t imagine getting all nostalgic about a tractor. That’s like me getting sentimental about my 1988 Dodge colt. (Truth be told, I actually do sometimes. Why, if that car from high school could talk, it would tell you that I drove it to and from cheerleading practice and nowhere else.)

“You learn a lot growing up on a farm, it doesn’t make a difference whether it’s Wilton, Iowa, or Paint Creek, Texas,” Perry continued. “There’s just lots you learn growing up on a farm, it’s universal. It’s the value of hard work, it’s duty to family, to country. Those values you learn on the farm are pretty good values for the president of the United States as well.”

What values, exactly, are we talking about? As High Chief of Farming Agriculture Commissioner, Perry urged cotton farmers to use pesticides, which ended up costing them around $140 million in crop losses. He also oversaw a loan guarantee program meant to help big agribusiness, which eventually had to be bailed out…by Perry…when he became governor. As a farmer, Perry accepted $80,000 in federal farm subsidies. So poisoning, failing and overall sleaziness. Those values?

If Perry can’t win Iowa, he has a big problem. Which is to say, he has a big problem.

Actually, these debates are set up for nothing more than to tear down the candidates. It pretty hard to be able to sit and lay out your ideas and your concepts with a one minute response. So, you know, if there was a mistake made, it was probably ever doing one of the campaigns [debates] when all they’re interested in is stirring up between the candidates instead of really talking about the issues that are important to the American people.

WELCOME TO A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN. I’m assuming that Perry was never part of the world-renowned debate club at Paint Creek High School. That’s OK. I was a member of the Young Democrats club in high school and I never went to one meeting, mostly because they were a bunch of dorks raised to be little socialists. But Perry is allegedly running for PRESIDENT, for Pete’s sake! Debating is really not that difficult, even for someone as dense as Perry. I’ve never lost a debate in my life. All you have to do to win a debate is wear down your opponent to the point where they look at you exasperated and walk away. Then you’ll have the smug satisfaction of knowing that you won, if only because you can outlast other people with your nonsensical arguments and incessant cries of I’M TALKING I’M TALKING I’M TALKING followed up with a dramatic CAN I FINISH.

As you know, and as I just looked up on Wikipedia, “conventional wisdom” refers to ideas which are generally accepted as true, such as “the earth is round” and “evolution is a crock of shit.” For instance, conventional wisdom says that Barack Obama is a U.S. citizen. Even the birthers believe that now. And yet…Rick Perry still isn’t so sure. In an interview with PARADE magazine, which apparently comes with your Sunday paper and is about as popular as Broom Hilda, Perry said that he has “no idea” about whether Obama’s long-form birth certificate is authentic. Really. No idea. When asked for further comment, a Perry spokesman said that the governor’s answer was “very clear.” Actually, “no idea” is by definition not a very clear answer, especially on such a straightforward question. That’s like if someone were to ask me if I believe that single women of a certain age all own at least six cat vests and I shrug and say, “no idea,” and they ask me to elaborate and I say, “I BELIEVE I’VE BEEN VERY CLEAR ON THAT ISSUE.” (For the record, they own anywhere from six to nine.)

Governor, do you believe that President Barack Obama was born in the United States?
I have no reason to think otherwise.
That’s not a definitive, “Yes, I believe he…”
Well, I don’t have a definitive answer, because he’s never seen my birth certificate.
But you’ve seen his.
I don’t know. Have I?
You don’t believe what’s been released?
I don’t know. I had dinner with Donald Trump the other night.
And?
That came up.
And he said?
He doesn’t think it’s real.
And you said?
I don’t have any idea. It doesn’t matter. He’s the president of the United States. He’s elected. It’s a distractive issue.

That’s so painful. I’m not sure if Perry’s just not listening to his advisers or if they’re really that bad. Even MICHELE BIRTHER BACHMANN said back in April that the issue was “over.” Now would be a good time to start convincing the Republican party that you’re actually sane enough to be the nominee. This is not helping.

(Incidentally I called on Perry to release his birth certificate in August and I have yet to see proof that he is actually a citizen of this country and not an alien from Planet Crazy.)

I am sorry for the late posting. I was driving back from Dallas this morning after speaking with @MeanRachel at the Texas Democratic Women of Collin County’s annual dinner last night. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the organizers for asking me to speak, and to apologize for blinding the audience with my whiter-than-white legs while on stage. I’m sure it was distracting and I have “no idea” how my dress shrunk to child-size.

I apologize for the late posting. I was speaking to a UT journalism class with the lovely Karen Brooks this morning, and immediately endeared myself to the assembled group of budding journalists by telling them that Master’s degrees are a waste of money and media is dead. I then proceeded to look at my phone where I saw the AP breaking news alert that the U.S. will be withdrawing all remaining troops from Iraq by end of year. I opened my eyes wide and said, “Wow,” showing my phone to the students. “Unconfirmed,” I said, nodding. And then I chastised them for not recording me for posterity.

My latest column concerning this week’s debate at the Observer is up: Fight Club. Oh, if only.

In Tuesday night’s Republican presidential debate from Las Vegas, we finally got what we’ve been waiting for—brazenness and bitchiness. Although Sen. Rick Santorum was the most yippy attack dog of the night, it was the exchanges between frontrunner Mitt Romney and one-time frontrunner turned bottom-feeder Rick Perry which got the most press. If you’re impressed by the shrewdness of overgrown toddlers who missed their afternoon nap, you probably think Perry nailed it.

You know, it’s insight like this that gets me the big-paying speaking gigs. I’ll be speaking at the Texas Democratic Women of Collin County’s “Framing Our Future” annual dinner and auction Sunday night with the very funny Rachel Farris of Mean Rachel. Since I assume there will be unruly Occupy Collin County protesters outside, I will be carrying my pepper spray with me.

I wasn’t sure what to make of Perry addressing Herman Cain as “brother” during the Republican debate, mostly because I tuned out after that eighth “let me finish” (that’s what she said). But after careful consideration and more time to reflect, I’ve decided that while Perry may not be a racist, he is an idiot. Why would he call the only black man on the stage “brother” but no one else? I mean, if he had been calling everyone brother, including Michele Bachmann, that would still have been weird but at least a little more consistent. (Of course I have a problem remembering people’s names as well. Sometimes after meeting someone, I’ll repeat their name to myself three times and try to figure out what kind of animal they look like but then I just end up calling them “Ugly Cat.”) However if Perry looks at a black man and automatically thinks “brother,” I think that white guy may have a problem.

I’d just like to say, on behalf of all the gainfully unemployed, Anita Perry needs to shut it. On Friday in South Carolina, she said that she could sympathize with the unemployed because her son Griffin was forced to resign his job at Deutsche Bank in order to take a more active role in his father’s campaign. Anita blames—wait for it—the Obama administration.

In response to a 45-year-old man who said he had lost a high-paying job and now works odd jobs as a handyman to make ends meet, Anita had this to say.

Let me tell you. Our son has resigned his job because of the federal regulations Washington has put on us. He resigned his job two weeks ago. Because he can’t go out and campaign for his father because of SEC regulations. He’s got a wife; he’s got a job. He’s trying to start up a business. So I empathize with you.

OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT. You’re not really comparing your privileged son’s situation to the handyman. Or the thousands of teachers who got laid off because your husband slashed public education. Or the guy whose unemployment benefits have run out because of your husband. The person who’s about to lose their house. The girl who has had to start ordering regular drip coffee at Starbucks instead of specialty fall drinks. (I mean, I feel sorry for the handyman and all but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD give me a pumpkin spice latte before I give up.)

Anyway considering the fact that his father will probably implode in a matter of weeks, Griffin should’ve kept his day job.

My latest column at the Observer is up and I believe it’s my best one yet. (That’s my attempt at getting you to read it and then feeling cheated.)

The frontrunner has become a bottom feeder. He’s polling lower than Newt Gingrich. Can he turn it around?

It’s hard to know when to give up, especially for a politician who has been told countless times by close friends and supporters and fundraisers (not to mention spouses) that his country needs him, that Americans are crying out for his leadership, that he is the Chosen One. Then the inevitable happens: You have to convince everyone else. Campaigns can be brutal. Journalists are mean. Voters ask questions. Big donors want results. You’re supposed to give policy speeches. You’re expected to know what century the American Revolution took place. You’re force-fed nauseating corndogs at county fairs. So when is it time to implement that graceful exit strategy?

Right at this very moment, Perry is giving a speech on energy policy and jobs in Philadelphia. Thanks to @MattMackowiak, we have this iconic photo of the oppressed hard-hatted workers in the audience.

Unfortunately, what was not caught on film was Perry running down the center aisle in orange shorts and a white tank top brandishing a large hammer and hurling it at the enormous screen where Obama is speaking about jobs. His finest moment yet.

My apologies for the late posting. I’ve been taking my mandatory online “Comedy Defensive Driving” course. They have cartoon characters that talk like Christopher Walken and Homer Simpson! It’s hilarious! If I had known how hilarious, I would have told USAA to go ahead and up my insurance rates! (No, my feminine wiles did not get me out of a speeding ticket. I tried batting my eyelashes and winking. The cop asked me if I was having a seizure.)

Earlier today Anita Perry gave an emotional speech at North Greenville University in South Carolina reflecting on the “rough month” that her husband has endured on the campaign trail. But he can’t give up. Because his run for the presidency is a calling from God. As someone who begins most sentences with “I’ve been called by God to,” I actually believe this. As in, “I’ve been called by God to take a permanent leave of absence” and “I’ve been called by God to finish off this bottle.”

It’s been a rough month. We have been brutalized and beaten up and chewed up in the press to where I need this today. We are being brutalized by our opponents, and our own party. So much of that is, I think they look at him, because of his faith. He is the only true conservative – well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too. But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose.

Anita also said that Perry’s decision to run was akin to encountering a “burning bush.” Poor choice of words. What Texan didn’t encounter a burning bush in the past couple of months? (I stole this from someone.)

Last week, someone came up to Rick and gave him the scripture. He said Rick, I want to tell you God is testing you.

This evangelical shit is becoming tiresome. Do you mean to tell me that God is calling someone who kicks poor children off health insurance, cuts public education and executes innocent people to run for leader of the free world? Hey, Rick. God called. He wants you to stop speaking for Him.

Rick Perry will appear on the cover of Parade in two weeks. I can only assume that they are releasing the interview early because he will be gone in two weeks. But that’s not important. What is important is that Perry was apparently photographed in various states of undress.

It’s positively titillating. It’s like, is he going to take his blazer off or is he just teasing us? That look in his eyes says, maybe. But that half-smile says, maybe not.

Who knew that Parade could be so risqué? What’s next, a Governing centerfold?

I watched last night’s debate with a certain amount of trepidation, mostly because it cut into my Dancing With the Stars time. To recap, here’s who’s safe, and who’s still in jeopardy.

SAFE

Mitt Romney
Herman Cain

STILL IN JEOPARDY

Rick Perry
Michele Bachmann
Ron Paul

LEAVING THE DANCE FLOOR RIGHT NOW

Newt Gingrich
Rick Santorum
Jon Huntsman

Perry’s debate performance was, at best, coma-inducing. I mean, at least he was mildly entertaining if somewhat schizophrenic in the last debate. Luckily he was able to redeem himself at a frat party later that night by schooling the Beta Theta Pi brothers on the American Revolution while executing the perfect keg stand.

Our Founding Fathers never meant for Washington, D.C. to be the fount of all wisdom. As a matter of fact they were very much afraid of that because they’d just had this experience with this far-away government that had centralized thought process and planning and what have you, and then it was actually the reason that we fought the revolution in the 16th century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown, if you will.

I know what you’re thinking. The Revolution was fought in the 18th century, not the 16th century. You just have to be right, don’t you? It must be hard being the smartest person in the room. (It is, actually.) I personally think we should cut the guy a break. I’m pretty sure that the Texas State Board of Education has scrubbed the Revolution from all history textbooks, along with such dubious claims as “women’s rights” and “slavery.”

[The Note]

Despite my better judgment, I have returned from vacation. There are only so many crab cakes mixed with pizza and frozen custard you can eat before your body starts turning against you. But what was really stomach-turning was the new issue of the Enquirer that I saw in the convenience store while I was stocking up on Pringles to take with me to the beach.

How dare they print such nonsense! As far as I’m aware, there is zero proof that Perry is a member of the KKK. He just likes to summer at a place called <OFFENSIVE RACIAL EPITHET>-head.

There’s another Republican presidential debate tonight from New Hampshire. Perry knows he can’t screw this one up. Which is exactly why he made sure to bring up that whole Mormon thing by aligning himself with a nutty pastor at the so-called Value Voters Summit on Friday. After introducing Perry to the crowd, Robert Jeffress of the First Baptist Church of Dallas claimed that Mormonism is not Christianity. “The decision for evangelical Christians right now is going to be do we prefer someone who is truly a believer in Jesus Christ or someone who is a part of a cult.” As a Catholic, I’d like to point out that evangelical Christianity, not Mormonism, is the real cult. Never think that you are saved and everyone else is doomed. That’s my job.

The two-hour debate starts at 7PM which means it will air at the same time as Dancing With the Stars: The Results. Last night I watched in horror as Nancy Grace performed the pasodoble to the Flash Gordon theme song. And tonight, I get to see Perry die on-stage.