I didn’t really think I’d post again today since I mistakenly took a non-non-drowsy Zyrtec D and am already starting to feel like someone is forcibly pushing down my on eyelids. But then I saw this powerful new campaign ad from Rick Perry, “Champion,” and nothing else seemed to matter. Only my heart.

(Slate breaks down the hauntingly patriotic imagery here.)

Does anyone else get the feeling that the Perry camp, having completely given up, is now actually making fun of their own candidate? Because this ad is so over the top I actually wanted to go back and watch King of Bain in its entirety just to make myself feel normal again.

I couldn’t believe it when I walked out of my yoga class last night, looked at my phone and saw that Mitt Romney had already been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary. That’s what I get for putting my spiritual health first. I was hoping for at least a little drama. Instead all I could do was watch the post-primary coverage, switching from CNN to FOX to MSNBC and lamenting the sad state of broadcast news. (It’s ridiculist!) I tuned into Newt Gingrich’s speech hoping to see his head explode but he was uncharacteristically calm. As usual I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Callista. I’m dressing as her for Halloween this year if I can convince my husband to go as Newt.

Now it’s on to South Cackalacky where Rick Perry, bolstered by his strong 0.7% showing in New Hampshire, continues to attack Romney for his “get-rich-quick schemes” running Bain Capital by calling him a “vulture capitalist.” That seems redundant from the perspective of a socialist. OH MY GOD PERRY’S A SOCIALIST. What’s next, Occupy Spartanburg? (Count me in.) Perry is banking on his Southern charm to win over voters in the Palmetto state which is like me saying I’m banking on my girlish charm to jump-start my career.

Perry’s pulling out all the stops—eating grits, wearing his custom cowboy boots, thickening his accent—to prove to South Carolinians that he’s just like them. While strolling down the quaint Main Street in Pickens, Perry turned to Anita and said, “Honey, what does this remind you of?” And she said, “Home.” (If this were a Lifetime movie, this would be where Meredith Baxter, playing the role of Anita, would start smiling through her tears as John Tesh played in the background.) Are you KIDDING me? Poor little Main Street reminds you of your million-dollar mansion at home? Please.

As someone who went to school in North Carolina, I can tell you that all these niceties and manners only serve to mask the real person underneath. I can’t tell you how many times a nice young man would open the door for me, nod his head and invite me to a party later that night only to ignore me when I got there because I was wearing flannel.

I’m guessing Perry comes in fifth.

I spent my weekend watching both Republican debates from New Hampshire. The Sunday morning one was, of course, far too early for me so I recorded it and watched it like three hours later. As I lay on the couch overdosing on Claritin D I also watched Contagion and now refuse to touch anything without my hazmat suit on. (Yes, I have one.) Soon I will be the only person left on earth and cannot wait to go through all your personal belongings.

My insightful drug-induced commentary on the debates is up on the Observer.

Voters were treated to not one but two Republican presidential debates in roughly 10 hours—one on Saturday night, the other on Sunday morning. In both debates, Rick Perry was relegated to the far end of the stage in Siberia territory, traditionally reserved for the likes of Jon Huntsman and Michele Bachmann. That said, Rick Santorum used to be in Perry’s position and now he’s front and center thanks to his strong showing in Iowa. Perry, who entered the presidential race strong, is unlikely to see center stage again.

I felt a little bad about Perry’s positioning. The few times he did speak I could have sworn it was a voice off-stage. You never want to be on the end. That’s where the losers go. I was fortunate enough to always be in the center of our cheerleading formation since I was an 85-pound climber. The medium-sized girls—the ones not small or stupid enough to be climbers and the ones not strong enough to be bases—were always on the end. Sometimes I wonder where they are now.

The big news today is about Mitt Romney saying that he likes firing people. Campaigning in New Hampshire this morning he argued that people should be able to buy their own health insurance. In that context he said, “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. If someone doesn’t give me the good service I need, I’m going to go get somebody else to provide that service to me.” Not that I understand it in that context either but I’m guessing it’s never a good idea to say you like being able to fire people.

Naturally Perry is all over this: “Now I have no doubt that Mitt Romney was worried about pink slips—whether he was going to have enough of them to hand out because his company Bain Capital with all the jobs that they killed, I’m sure he was worried that he’d run out of pink slips.” Perry knows of what he speaks, having laid off roughly one billion teachers in the state of Texas in the past year.

At a campaign stop in Spartanburg, Perry said, looking over at Anita, “I’ve got all the people that love me that I need. Her, Jesus and my family.” STOP SAYING THAT JESUS IS SUPPORTING YOU. YOU’RE REALLY PISSING HIM OFF.

There will be not one but TWO Republican debates from New Hampshire this weekend—one on Saturday night and the other on Sunday morning. You might think this is overkill but you have no idea what could happen in the less than 12 hours between these debates. And since I can’t sleep anyway because of my allergies (like you can sleep while your body tries to slowly suffocate you) I will most likely pull an all-nighter. I assume if there’s no Starbucks open my gold card will allow me to open the door and make myself a latte and steal one of their scones-on-steroids. Although he’s not campaigning in New Hampshire, Perry will make an appearance at the debates which is awfully brave of him since his last visit went so well. No word yet on whether he’ll come sober or outfitted in his jogging attire and tights.

It’s clear that Mitt Romney will win in New Hampshire. You’ve got to feel for Jon Huntsman who has been there for like the past year and is still only polling at around eight percent. That’s like dating a guy for five years and investing all that time in the relationship and then instead of getting a ring he dumps you for someone else leaving you with nothing. How humiliating. But I was rather surprised to see Romney ahead in South Carolina. What, has the state recently experienced a huge influx of Mormons? According to the new CNN poll he’s polling at 37 percent. Meanwhile Perry’s at five percent. Good God. It’s time to reassess that non-reassessment of your campaign. But maybe Perry can turn it around with a couple of stellar debate performances this weekend. Yes. That’s the punchline.

I started my day today like most days—way too late, trying to interpret the dreams I had last night (why does the fate of the world always rest in my hands?) and wondering about Rick Perry’s motives. Why would he basically hint at dropping out of the race only to go jogging the next morning and change his mind? I’ve gone jogging before and the only thing I’ve changed my mind about is going jogging. I’m not the only one obsessing over this. Nate Silver over at FiveThirtyEight came up with two hypothetical scenarios.

The first one basically says that Perry decided to ignore everyone’s advice and stay in the race, hoping to redeem himself in South Carolina. His second theory is that Perry’s advisers, top donors and conservative activists urged him to keep going. I suppose each of these scenarios has its own merit but may I suggest another. Perry stayed in the race because he has NOTHING BETTER TO DO. What’s he supposed to do? Come back to Texas and pretend to govern? Perry, Gingrich and Santorum will be fighting each other for the conservative vote. Perry’s only hope is that evangelicals still hate Catholics as much as they hate Mormons, if not more. (As someone who went to school in Carolina’s upper house, if you will, I stayed away from South Carolina for fear that I would be discriminated against for my faith and that I might start talking like them.)

Don’t get me wrong. I think Perry has a very good shot at making a comeback, assuming that Romney, Gingrich, Paul and Santorum all decide to go skydiving together and their parachutes don’t open.

Rick Perry has officially lost his shit which means that I’ve been losing my shit since I started working on my Observer column. I wrote my first draft yesterday before the caucuses—Perry comes in 5th, heads to South Carolina—and then did a complete rewrite following his surprise announcement last night—Perry to reassess campaign, likely to drop out—and then had to edit it again this morning—Perry campaign tweet says he’s back in! Here’s my final draft over at The Observer. I think they ended up going with my first headline, Perry Officially Loses His Shit.

You can’t “reassess” something in a matter of hours. As far as I know, Herman Cain’s still “reassessing” his campaign. You’ve got to at least take a few days to make it look like you’re putting some thought into it. I’m still reassessing my job prospects which either gives people the impression that I’m taking my career very seriously or that I’m a total lazy ass.

Speaking of the tweet heard round the twittersphere, it came from @GovernorPerry accompanied by a photo of Perry dressed as Aquaman. And the next leg of the marathon is the Palmetto State…Here we come South Carolina!!!

Let me be the first to wish you a happy 2012 as opposed to a happy 2011, which I mistakenly thought it was when I woke up this morning and naturally assumed that the past year had all been a dream. I smiled and stretched my arms over my head imagining the many important things I would achieve in 2011. Yet another year has come and gone and I don’t mind telling you that out of all of last year’s resolutions I have accomplished exactly zero. That is the last time I have my top 10 resolutions tattooed on my upper back because now I have to get them all removed which I hear is even more painful. (Incidentally I went to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo yesterday and found it to be considerably better than the Swedish version mostly because I could finally understand what they were saying. Who makes movies in Swedish?) In retrospect, if I may speak for all of us, 2011 was a pretty good year. Do yourself a favor and don’t make any resolutions for 2012. Resolutions are bullshit. You’ll do just fine without them.

The Iowa caucuses take place this Tuesday. So in the spirit of looking forward by looking back, here are some of my favorite Rick Perry moments from the campaign that was.

10. The Announcement/Anointment (August)
9. Politico calls Perry dumb August)
8. Perry touts his boy scout credentials (August)
7. Perry appears on the cover of TIME (September) and disrobes in Parade (October)
6. Perry starts haunting my dreams (September)
5. Ranchgate (October)
4. Perry appears drunk in public (November)
3. The oopsy-daisy heard round the world (November)
2. Perry brings back the J-Crew barn jacket in war on Christmas ad (December)
1. Perry flubs on Supreme Court (December)

My latest Perryland column in the Observer is up. It was difficult for me to write it through my salty tears.

According to the latest poll from Five Thirty Eight, Rick Perry has fallen into dreaded Michele Bachmann territory. The Iowa primary projections give Perry a two percent chance of winning. At least that’s two percent more than Jon Huntsman but then he never campaigned there. Mitt Romney has moved into first place with 22 percent and is now expected to win. Ron Paul is a close second with Rick Santorum (yes, that Rick Santorum) taking the bronze from Newt Gingrich. Perry has 12 percent of the projected vote. But don’t cry for our governor just yet. He’s got at least one more useless ad up his sleeve.

Rick Perry says that Rick Perry is on the verge of a comeback. Really? Because Eileen Smith says that Eileen Smith is on the verge of a comeback. And guess what. NEITHER ONE IS TRUE. Perry says that even if he doesn’t make it into the top three in Iowa (which he won’t) he’ll still press on. That bus must have a lot of gas!

In an interview with Politico, Perry told them his favorite beer (Shiner), his favorite newspaper (Stars & Stripes, which is totally made up), his favorite magazine (NRA Monthly), favorite columnist (George Will) and favorite band (The Who). When asked if he still carries a gun, he replied, “That’s why they call it a concealed handgun license.” Oh, Perry. You big tease! Now if you’re still wondering what to get that special someone, Perry has some book ideas: “Not Between Brothers” by David Wilkerson and “some kind of self-help Christian-based books” by Andy Andrews. Don’t worry. I’ve already looked him up for you.

Andy Andrews, a motivational speaker, is described as a “Life Whisperer,” which is kind of like a Horse Whisperer but without the horse or Scarlett Johansson. Andrews says that he is not a “Christian author” but “an author who is a Christian.” As opposed to Perry, who is a Christian candidate not a candidate who is a Christian. Perry also names other books he’s been reading on the road which is ridiculous since reading on the road makes you horribly carsick and we all know that Perry can’t read.

Luckily I’m all done with my CHRISTMAS shopping just in time to celebrate Hanukkah. Traditionally I celebrate the Festival of Lights trying to convert Jewish people by standing outside of area synagogues wearing a sandwich board that says REPENT BEFORE WE TAKE ISRAEL AND LEAVE YOU BEHIND.

Here’s Gov. Perry, rolling through Iowa on his campaign bus—Faith, Jobs and Freedom!—speaking off the cuff to his supporters. (I kid. There’s totally someone standing behind the flip cam with prompt cards. Buzz words: Outsider! Part-time Congress! Is this thing on?) Dude. You’re polling at 7 percent. BEHIND Michele Bachmann. Time to turn that bus around.

I’ve also had my fair share of bad road trips, like when my friend’s car died between Boulder and Jackson Hole and we had to spend the night in Ass Town, WY. We went into a roadside bar populated by gruffy men in flannel shirts and work overalls. Lucky for us we were also wearing flannel shirts and work overalls because back then we dressed like the Indigo Girls. Hey. Don’t blame me for the ’90s.

Apparently Perry still has faith that God will come through for him, stopping at two local evangelical churches yesterday and warning churchgoers of the “politically correct police,” like those liberalazis who complained about N*****head. Perry quoted one of his favorite Bible verses, “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’” Oh Good God. I’ve got another one for him. “And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others.” (Matthew 6:5)

If you didn’t watch the Republican debate last night, the only thing you missed was absolutely nothing. I watched it with the volume off so I could speak for the candidates. And yes, for some reason, half of them had British accents. This was the last televised debate before the Iowa caucuses on January 3. May I suggest that you don’t imbibe too much on New Year’s Eve as you will be forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol to get through that day. Can Newt Gingrich pull it off? (That’s what she said.) Personally I think it will be Romney, with Newt a close second and Ron Paul in third. Perry will be somewhere between fourth place and falling off the face of the earth.

Speaking of which, here’s my latest Perryland column.

Bus Boy

When your numbers are down and your chances are slim, there’s nothing quite like hitting the open road in a big-ass bus. Nothing says “outsider” like a last-ditch 44-city bus tour through the great state of Iowa. As in, maybe an “establishment” candidate like Mitt Romney can afford a first-class plane ticket but I’m such an outsider I’m coming in by bus.

Have a wonderful weekend before CHRISTMAS weekend. No I’m not afraid to say CHRISTMAS even though I realize I’ll be PERSECUTED for my faith. I forgive ALL OF YOU since you know not what you do. Because you’re stupid NON-CHRISTIANS. I feel like Tim Tebow minus the eye black bible verses and the rushing touchdowns.

I think you’ll all be happy to know that Rick Perry has chosen to forgive the media. To my knowledge the media hadn’t asked to be forgiven but that makes the gesture even more beautiful. I’ve found that when someone is angry at me I can diffuse the situation by saying, “I accept your apology.” This is akin to telling someone, let’s both say sorry on the count of three and then instead of saying sorry you scream I’M NOT SORRY AT ALL LOSER.

On the Christian Broadcasting Network, the only network still taking Perry’s calls, Perry said that he forgives the media for criticizing him and understands that as a Christian, when you’re being criticized, you should consider it an honor. “One of my values is being a Christian and we’re going to get criticized for that,” Perry said. Oh you poor thing. No one knows how hard it is to be a Christian in a Christian country.

David Brody: What have those conversations been like with God, so to speak, when people in the media and others have taken hits at you in some of those low times? You know, in some of those debates and things. What does that prayer life that you’ve been dealing with, what’s that been like?

Rick Perry: It’s when, for me, when you are being criticized consider it an honor. That’s the scriptural part of it. Listen, I stand up for my values and one of my values is being a Christian and we’re going to get criticized for that. I mean 2,000 years ago we knew we were going to get criticized for standing up for the values Jesus Christ talked about. But I can no more divorce myself from those values than I can my upbringing. I’m the son of two tenant farmers. You can’t change that. That’s who I am. So, when I went all in with God, I went all in. Thank goodness he is a forgiving God. I sit here before you as a flawed sinner and by the grace of God I’ve been forgiven and so I forgive them for not understanding.

This is such bullshit. Evangelicals have it easy. Try being Catholic. Perry may be the son of two tenant farmers but I’m the descendant of Irish hooligans. I had no choice but to be Catholic. No one asked me when I was two months old if I wanted to be baptized. No one told me that I’d live in a neighborhood with a triple threat right up the street: Church-School-Convent. You try being a Catholic when you’re hoping to get asked to prom. (I never did figure out if it was my religion or my freakish chicken legs that did me in.) But don’t worry Perry. I forgive you for not knowing the number of Supreme Court justices; for blaming gay Marines for ruining Christmas; for your aching back that you use as an excuse FOR EVERYTHING; for not knowing the legal voting age; for your overall inappropriate behavior while conducting a presidential campaign. Because I’m Catholic. And I am nothing if not oozing forgiveness out my pores. You’re welcome.

[via Politico]

I trust you all had a good weekend. We got our CHRISTMAS tree yesterday and I put my husband in charge of the CHRISTMAS tree lights. I didn’t notice until they were all on the tree that they were flashing lights. There’s more than one setting. Flashing, disco, on-off-on-off, slow fade. Supposedly there’s a normal setting but I haven’t found it yet. I’ve been doing this all morning. But my problems are nothing compared to Perry’s. In fact, this has become a kind of mantra for me every time I’m upset about something. Like, wow, this sucks but at least I’m not Rick Perry.

On Friday at a meeting with the Des Moines Register editorial board, Perry didn’t know how many members there are on the Supreme Court. As someone who prides herself on knowing all the members of the Supreme Court and being able to recite them in alphabetical order at cocktail parties, I find this unacceptable. THE MAN IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. How can you not know what most third graders know? (And if they don’t know, they are not being properly learned.) Perry also couldn’t come up with Sonia Sotomayor’s name, calling her “Montemayor.” Little tip: If you’re going to bring up activist judges on the Supreme Court, you should know how many there are and their names.

However on Fox News Sunday, Perry told Chris Wallace that he doesn’t “have memorized all of the Supreme Court judges.” Furthermore Americans “are not looking for a robot that can spit out the name of every Supreme Court justice.” I AM. You know what else I’m looking for? Someone who can speak English. “I don’t have memorized?”

This reminds me of that scene in Broadcast News between Al Brooks and William Hurt.

AARON: Can you name all the members of the Cabinet?
TOM: Okay, let’s drop it. I didn’t mean I’d take a test for you — I mean if that came up in conversation I’d…
AARON: We’re conversing… Oh my, the names of the entire Cabinet has slipped my mind. What are they? Don’t name them. Just tell me if you know.
TOM: Yes, Aaron. I know the names of the Cabinet.
AARON: Okay… All twelve?
TOM: Yes.
AARON: There are only ten.

My latest column in the Observer on Perry, our gay military, the shame of being a Christian and those pesky dislike buttons is up.

Gov. Rick Perry’s arch-nemesis Newt Gingrich is now leading in the national Gallup poll with 37 percent of voters compared to Mitt Romney’s 22 percent. Perry has somehow managed to attract seven percent of registered Republicans but is still trailing the surprisingly strong “other candidates/unsure” by 10 points. In a Rasmussen Reports poll, Perry would lose to President Obama by double digits in a hypothetical match-up (46 percent to 34 percent). That’s not a match-up. That’s a death match.

Have a blessed weekend. I’m off to buy religious Christmas ornaments, peppermint bark and a venti Eggnog Latte.

So which one of you declared war on Christmas this time? I am so sick of suiting up in my steel armor and picking up my Knight’s sword to defend my God-given right to perform in a traditional one-woman living nativity scene in the front yard. And if one more person says “Happy Holidays” to me, I’m going to start pelting them with my Crate & Barrel 12 Days of Christmas ornaments.

It’s time to take up your cross and follow Rick Perry. Perry has launched a new TV ad in Iowa blasting Obama for waging a “war on religion” and promising voters that when he’s president he’ll end this war. Through bloodshed of non-Christians if necessary. And Catholics.

“I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian,” Perry says. “But you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school. As president, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion.”

That first line is classic Perry. He’s “not ashamed to admit” he’s a Christian. No shit. That’s your ENTIRE CAMPAIGN PLATFORM. As far as the children are concerned, correct me if I’m wrong but I haven’t heard of little Christian kids being rounded up and sent off to Pleasure Island, where they are turned into donkeys and sold into slavery. But I agree with him on gays in the military ruining Christmas. Although they do make a delicious mulled cider.

Hey Rick, 1994 called. They want their J-Crew Barn Jacket back.

Please click on the ad to your right. No, your other right. A million clicks puts me in the running for a new toaster.—Ed. note

After verifying that the legal age to engage in extramarital affairs is 42, Rick Perry took time away from “reassessing” his faltering campaign to weigh in on Herman Cain’s alleged sexual escapades. In an appearance on Fox News, Perry said that Cain “needs to address these allegations” and, if they’re true, “he has to address that with the people of this country.” (As a part of this country, I’d like to say that the lurid intimate details of Cain’s affair are about as interesting to me as Kim Kardashian’s divorce or her sister’s pregnancy.) Perry didn’t feel the need to comment when Cain was facing charges of sexual harassment and crimes against women. Clearly a long-time consensual affair is much more offensive and needs to be addressed immediately before the country loses faith in its elected officials.

Speaking of how much I don’t care about the lurid intimate details of l’affaire, here are some lurid intimate details. Appearing on Good Morning America today, Ginger White described how Cain flew her across the country and showered her with lavish gifts during their “very casual” affair. As someone who has never engaged in an extramarital affair, I’m asking all you adulterers out there if a 13-year relationship can qualify as a “very casual” affair. Wouldn’t a casual affair mean meeting a platonic friend of the opposite sex for the occasional coffee, as opposed to 13 years of sleeping with someone? However, to White’s credit, she was single at the time so it’s not really adultery on her part, just his.

You know, if there’s one man who could take the heat off of Herman Cain’s sexual escapades for at least an afternoon, that man is Rick Perry. At a college town hall meeting in New Hampshire this afternoon, Perry forgot what the legal voting age is (hint: it’s 18) and when Election Day is (hint: it’s November 6th).

“Those who are going to be over 21 on November 12th, I ask for your support,” Perry said. “Those who won’t be, just work hard.”

Now I’m willing to overlook certain things during this insane pressure cooker of a Republican primary. These guys can’t be on message all the time or even any of the time. Verbal slip-ups and fighting off the occasional sexual harassment allegation are bound to happen. Is it really important for Perry to know the basics of the electorate? I actually agree with Perry that the legal voting age should be 21. I don’t know about you but when I was 18 I wasn’t prepared enough to vote. I spent the majority of my time trying to get into bars while looking like an 11-year-old boy.

According to Politico, Herman Cain has received Secret Service protection, effective today. It sounds outrageous at first until you consider how many former National Restaurant Association employees are throwing themselves at him and forcibly sticking his hand up their skirts. Terrifying. While it’s fairly unusual for presidential candidates to be protected by the Secret Service before becoming the nominee, this is obviously a special case. The media constantly hounds Cain on the campaign trail, expecting him to answer questions and approaching him with video cameras and heavy equipment. It’s enough to make any candidate fear for their lives.

Cain disclosed in his book that he would want his Secret Service code name to be “Cornbread.” As in, “Cornbread’s on the move” or “Pass me that delicious Cornbread.” Although I’ve never approached the Department of Homeland Security for Secret Service protection, I was forced to hire a security detail during the 2008 campaign when angry Obama supporters started threatening me by defacing my Hillary yard signs and leaving menacing comments on my blog. I was especially shaken when my husband told me he would stop making my car payments unless I voted for Obama in the primary. I seriously considered entering the witness protection program until I realized I’d have to live my life as a brunette.

My latest Perryland column in the Observer is up: Don’t Quit Your Day Job

In his ongoing quest to redeem himself as the mediocre yet one-time viable presidential candidate he once was, Rick Perry stomped through Iowa and New Hampshire this week to remind voters that he hates government and all that it stands for as much as they do, if not more. At town hall meetings, Perry laid out several bold albeit completely unfeasible proposals to “uproot, tear down and rebuild” the federal government including transforming Congress into a new “Citizen Congress,” apparently modeled after our very own part-time Legislature.

On a holiday note, next week is Thanksgiving. Please start thinking of all the things you’re thankful for so we can compile a list to show that we are not just a bunch of bitter ingrates.

On Fox News last night, Perry told Sean Hannity that President Obama can’t possibly understand the plight of the unemployed because he “grew up in a privileged way.” I suppose he’s on to something there. I would have much rather been raised by a single mother who relied on food stamps after my father left and then dropped off to live with my grandparents. That’s so cushy compared to how I grew up in McLean with a one-arched McDonalds. A McDonalds with only one golden arch instead of two! Can you imagine? WE COULDN’T AFFORD THE OTHER ARCH. Luckily I was able to defy the odds, escape the mean streets of Northern Virginia and become a successful blogger.

“He never had to really work for anything,” Perry said. “This president has never felt that angst that [the unemployed] have in their heart.” Unlike Perry, a child of mixed race who grew up poor in Paint Creek. Perry also complained that Obama thinks he’s “the smartest guy in the room.” Perry’s never the smartest guy in the room. Unless he’s in a room with the Kardashians. (Even then it would be a toss-up between him and Kourtney.)

Seriously? Is this Perry’s new message? That he can relate to voters because he has never claimed to be the smartest person in the room and if he did no one would believe him anyway? I know how hard it is to be the smartest person in the room, how isolated you feel because there’s no one there who matches your intellect. I’ve often looked enviously at the little-brains around me thinking how much fun they must be having. Right? Aren’t you guys having fun?

At a Rick Perry event today in New Hampshire, attendees were being asked to prove that they’re American citizens before being allowed in the door. Don’t judge. At my last dinner party I checked everyone’s ID to make sure they were at least over 35. If they weren’t, I quietly asked them to leave by screaming at them to get the hell out of my house and come back when they’re potty trained. Like I can carry on a conversation staring at a wrinkle-free forehead.

At the town hall event, held at the illustrious Granite State Manufacturing plant, a company employee sat with a Perry staffer at the door and asked attendees to show valid ID, adding that non-citizens wouldn’t be admitted. It seems a little harsh to ask people who are actually taking the time to attend your stupid event to prove their citizenship. I mean, seriously? Perry could use all the help he can get. He should be letting farm animals in at this point to help fill the bleachers.

Perry’s campaign later backtracked saying that it was all a misunderstanding. The defense contracting company clarified that immigrants are allowed on the premises as long as they are accompanied by an employee escort. What, is the Perry team afraid the immigrants will steal their precious campaign schwag? Apparently the governor will give them a college education, just not an extra “Perry 2012″ button.