Really? These are the Republican frontrunners for 2012? Imagine my surprise when I went to Politico this morning and saw these men staring back at me. (Newt might not look like he’s staring straight at you but it was a very Black Swan moment for me.) My God, at first I thought it was a story about Mitt Romney and his Mormon forefathers. Like, peers of Joseph Smith cryogenically frozen to be thawed out in 2011 to help Romney win the Republican nomination and convert the entire human race to Mormonism.

But apparently the old white guy on the left is Harley Barbour and the old white guy on the right is Newt Gingrich, two big names in the 2012 campaign. Other names being floated around include John Thune, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Mitch Daniels, Rick Perry (seriously?), Ron Paul, and Dr. Frasier Crane. There’s also a surprise candidate—Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and a favorite of the tea party. You think I’m kidding. Who here has eaten Godfather’s Pizza before? I’ve never even heard of it, and try to limit my dough and tomato sauce intake to Grotto’s in Rehoboth Beach. (Of course, the questionable mob ties may ultimately sink his bid.)

On his website, Cain states that fellow patriots can “find all of the important information necessary to keep up-to-date with my decision-making process as I continue to determine how God wants me to best serve our great nation.” I can’t believe God determined that the best way for me to serve our great nation is to blog into my 60s.

Since Newt Gingrich is now part of my Catholic brethren, I’ve been anxiously waiting for him to weigh in on this whole Ground Zero Terrorist Infidel Mosque fiasco, even more so than the Vatican (I hear they’ve got their hands full). After I prayed 18 rosaries, Newt finally released a statement. I consider that divine condescension.

There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia. The time for double standards that allow Islamists to behave aggressively toward us while they demand our weakness and submission is over.

The proposed “Cordoba House” overlooking the World Trade Center site—where a group of jihadists killed over 3000 Americans and destroyed one of our most famous landmarks – is a test of the timidity, passivity and historic ignorance of American elites. “For example, most of them don’t understand that “Cordoba House” is a deliberately insulting term. It refers to Cordoba, Spain—the capital of Muslim conquerors who symbolized their victory over the Christian Spaniards by transforming a church there into the world’s third-largest mosque complex.

“The timidity, passivity and historic ignorance of American elites.” This, from a college professor, author, and senior fellow at a conservative think tank who was Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. How is he not an elite? I mean, aside from the fact that he’s totally bourgeois. Now, since Newt is Newt, I almost took his word for it on “Cordoba.” But since I am a journalist, I turned to Wikipedia.

It was captured in 711 by a Muslim army. In May 766, it was elected as capital of the independent Muslim emirate of al-Andalus, later a Caliphate itself. In the 10th-11th centuries Cordoba was one of the most advanced cities in the world, as well as a great cultural, political, financial and economic centre.

That’s just sick. It’s not like we’ve ever taken anything that wasn’t ours to begin with. Back to Newt.

Those Islamists and their apologists who argue for “religious toleration” are arrogantly dishonest. They ignore the fact that more than 100 mosques already exist in New York City. Meanwhile, there are no churches or synagogues in all of Saudi Arabia. In fact no Christian or Jew can even enter Mecca. And they lecture us about tolerance.

There aren’t any Catholic churches in all of Saudi Arabia?! There go my Thanksgiving plans in Riyadh. So since there aren’t any churches or temples in Saudi Arabia, we shouldn’t allow Muslims to practice religion in our country, even with its “freedom of religion” bullshit. Apparently we should now take our cues from Saudi Arabia, that mecca of tolerance.

[via Wonkette]

Republicans wanting to be president (meaning all of them) filed fundraising reports with the FEC today so we can all see how much it costs to be the nominee. Guess who’s winning? Mitt Romney, who raised $1.8 million from April to June and $3.5 million this year. Sarah Palin raised $866,000 over the same two months ($1.3 million this year), Tim Pawlenty raised $723,501 (also $1.3 million total), and Mike Huckabee raised $258,000.

Not fair. (Except for Huckabee. He’s just a loser.) Romney’s got the Mormon mafia behind him. Mormons are good at two things—hiding their bibles in hotel room drawers, and fundraising. Newt Gingrich, meanwhile, raised $72,000. No big surprise there. He converted to Catholicism when he got married for like the 15th time. Catholics are good at two things—guilt, and hording our money to purchase indulgences for the forgiveness of sins. (He got a raw deal. April and May are the Lenten period.)

But don’t count Newt Gingrich out just yet. In some kind of shadowy 527 group, he’s got over $3 million. He told the AP that he’s “never been this serious” about a presidential run. Plus he just published a book, “To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular Socialist Machine,” which is just the first in a riveting “To Save America” trilogy about a hefty middle-aged Republican candidate and his sidekick, a brilliant tattoo-covered hacker.

Romney has donated $10,000 of his money to Gov. Perry, his good friend who endorsed Rudy Giuliani in 2007 and, when he dropped out, threw his support to McCain. Bygones.

[via Playbook]

I missed the tea party rally at the Capitol yesterday because I have, you know, a job but it sounds like they could’ve used the bodies. There were only about 300 people instead of the 1,500 people that congregated there just one year ago which could only mean that the death panels are working. Come on. You’ve seen the crowds at these things. It looks like the early bird special at Luby’s or a casting call for the third Sex and the City movie. OMG! (Seriously. What’s Samantha, like, 70 years old now and still a slut?)

Apparently the masses were protesting a new thing called the “income tax” which has been wrongfully levied against us by the Obama administration even though it’s been around since 1861, to help pay for the civil war. Obviously it should be repealed since we’re no longer in the middle of a civil war. Unless you live in Virginia and you are still contesting that little-known issue called slavery.

There was a bigger audience at the Doubletree hotel because Newt Gingrich was there. If I had known Newt Gingrich was headlining that rally, I would’ve dropped whatever I was doing (snacking on cheddar bunnies and staring out the window), pulled out my “Party Like It’s 1773!” t-shirt, and been the first in line.

Despite the fact that I’m a registered Republican, I have been called a liberal in the past, which makes me an enemy of Real America. Gov. Perry had warned tea party organizers around the state to “watch their backs” for liberals who wish to do them harm. Last time I checked, it wasn’t me brandishing an AK-47. But, I’ll admit, my fists should be registered as lethal weapons. (I may be small but I’m scrappy.)

[Statesman]

So when I walked into the office this morning, my laptop was missing and my first thought was, WE’VE BEEN ROBBED! And my second thought was, I’VE BEEN FIRED! Luckily, the IT department had it so they could check it for porn. When it was finally returned to me, the first thing I see is Burka’s post, “Is Perry running for president?” And I chuckled to myself thinking it must be from January when we first posed that question which was summarily dismissed and people were able to get on with their lives as if the issue had never been brought up.

And now we’re back right where we started. Like many of you, I thought, how ridiculous! It will never happen! But as long as it sells magazines, who cares! However after reading about Perry’s speech at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans on Friday, I’ll admit it. I’m a little nervous. I mean, Sarah Palin’s out, right? If she can pull in $100,000 for a 45-minute speech, why would she ever want back in? Which leaves us with, what, Tim Pawlenty? Bobby Jindal? Ron Paul? Mitt Romney? Newt Gingrich? No wonder Perry’s thinking, well, why not me? I’m a good looking guy, I can be the guy you want to have a beer with, I can rally the crazies and still look somewhat normal. Yes, he didn’t want his name on the presidential straw poll. That means nothing.

During his speech Perry held up his cellphone and asked the crowd to text FIRED UP to 95613. (Please. I’ve already gone over my text message limit to vote for Derek Hough and whoever his partner is on Dancing With the Stars.) As Burka noted, “You do see what he is doing, don’t you? He is building a national database of names.” That’s almost as chilling as him building an army of cyborgs to propel him to the White House.

According to Politico, Capitol Hill staffers are “fuming” at the GOP for treating them like lowly Capitol Hill staffers. Newt Gingrich said they have no “contact with reality.” Republican Congressman Devin Nunes accused them of being “staff thugs” who monitor lawmakers during key votes. And Minority Leader John Boehner referred to Democratic staffers as “little punks.” Punks and thugs? Oh please. I’ve been called much worse. When I’m not being completely ignored, that is. This callous treatment by a handful of Republican members has left staffers feeling “overworked” and “underappreciated.” As opposed to the rest of us who hardly work at all and keep receiving six-figure bonuses.

The last straw seems to be the t-shirts put out by the NRCC mocking Democratic aides who will lose their jobs in November if their bosses lose their seats. The shirt reads, “My Boss Flip-Flopped for Obamacare and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.” That’s so lame. No illustration of Calvin and Hobbes with a beer bong? Or “Save Ferris”? I Tappa Kegga? Most Capitol staffers are underpaid and, especially during the health care debate, overworked and living off whatever food they could find in the vending machines.

Wow. This sounds more and more like an episode of “Survivor.” Although I can sympathize with the Gardettos-Honey Buns-Cheetos-Fresca diet. But when I find myself working late, I just fast so that when my colleagues come in the next morning and I’m passed out on the floor, they’ll realize how difficult my job really is.

Tony Shreeve of the American Patriot Taxpayers says that last month during the health care debate, he saw staffers acting inappropriately out on a Capitol balcony. They “were outside, drinking wine, playing guitars and laughing. It was totally disrespectful,” said Shreeve. “They were up there celebrating while people below are obviously upset and trying to get their voices heard. They were pretty much mocking us. The arrogance up there was unbelievable.”

I would hardly call sitting around a campfire singing John Denver songs “disrespectful.” However I would call it a “dorkfest.”

So Sarah Palin attended the Republican fundraising dinner last night after all, because who can pass up wilted lettuce, a rubbery chicken breast, and something that’s supposed to be chocolate mousse but tastes more like rest home pudding? At least they had some cheap wine to wash it down with…Woodbridge. Woodbridge?! Damn, man. Just how broke are the Republicans? Even in this economy, I won’t touch Woodbridge. It’s on par with Meridian. The WashPost noted that Sen. David Vitter entered the room with a mostly empty glass of wine. What exactly are they implying, that he’s some kind of drunk who frequents brothels?

Entertainment was provided by the Right On Band, which sang such classics as Ain’t Too Proud to Beg, My Girl, and Baby I Need Your Lovin’. Basically, the entire Big Chill soundtrack, and WHO GETS SICK OF THAT? The only thing missing was Stop, Hey, What’s That Sound.

The dinner was the biggest fundraising event of the year for congressional Republicans, totaling $14.5 million, $14 million of which came from bets on whether Palin would show or not. Although she did not speak, she was given a seat of honor in the front row. She also preempted Gingrich by taping an interview with Sean Hannity to air at 9 p.m.–the same time that Gingrich would deliver his keynote. BADA BING! Fox versus C-SPAN? Not a fair fight.

Tonight Congressional Republicans are holding a big-ass gala fundraiser in DC to benefit themselves but there’s one thing missing from the menu: Sarah Palin. Originally the governor from the great state of Alaska was scheduled to speak but then on Saturday she was told she was out. (At one point, Palin was supposed to be the headliner.) Apparently NRCC chairman Pete Sessions was afraid that she would upstage keynote speaker Newt Gingrich, who was looking forward to showing off his gams. Also, Palin tends to get drunk and heckle people by throwing heavily buttered rolls at them.

But the real story is much more sinister. Looks like Palin’s been poaching Newt’s speeches.

Sarah Palin’s speech delivered in Anchorage on Wednesday — the one in which she declared “screw political correctness” and wondered why “we have to pussyfoot around our troublesome foes” — repeatedly lifted from an article written four years ago by Newt Gingrich and Craig Shirley without attribution.

Seriously? She couldn’t come up with “screw political correctness” on her own? Anyway, the language is really her own because she says it in her maverick Alaskan frontier accent.

So it looks like the Republican party is picking Gingrich over Palin for 2012. Or maybe they’ll both be on the ticket! But Palin wouldn’t want to be the VP candidate again. What with all the experience she’s going to gain over the next three years.

Oh wait! Did I say “racist”? I meant “lovely woman who deserves a fair hearing”!

Newt Gingrich has taken back what he said about Judge Sotomayor in a non-apology apology of sorts. Making a non-apology apology is not as easy as it looks. It requires cunning and dexterity and the ability to be passive aggressive in your response. A certain degree of douchebaggery doesn’t hurt. Here’s an email that was sent out to his supporters:

“My initial reaction was strong and direct — perhaps too strong and too direct. The sentiment struck me as racist and I said so. Since then, some who want to have an open and honest consideration of Judge Sotomayor’s fitness to serve on the nation’s highest court have been critical of my word choice.

“With these critics who want to have an honest conversation, I agree. The word ‘racist’ should not have been applied to Judge Sotomayor as a person, even if her words themselves are unacceptable (a fact which both President Obama and his Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, have since admitted).”

See what he did there? He was able to interject “racist” into that statement not once, but twice. He calls his initial reaction “strong and direct,” which is actually a compliment to himself. Then you’ve got the obligatory “some have been critical of my word choice.” As in, really it’s their problem, not mine. He closes by saying that Obama basically agrees with him. Not once does he say he’s sorry or seem contrite in any way, shape, or form. It’s brilliant.

Occasionally, I myself have deemed it appropriate to employ the use of non-apology apologies here at the office. Like when I miss a deadline and Evan yells at me and I look at him and say, “I agree that mistakes were made,” before bursting into tears so he’ll feel incredibly uncomfortable and leave me alone. Or sometimes my laptop is acting up, forcing me to scream “Motherfucker!” at the top of my lungs, which HR apparently has a problem with. So in my mandatory meeting with them, I tell them, “I regret that my choice of words offended anyone,” before muttering under my breath, “not really.”

In an email today, a group called “Renewing American Leadership,” headed by Gingrich, called on supporters to send “blast faxes” to senators demanding opposition to Sotomayor, the reverse racist-sexist-activist-lactivist-poor-man’s-Judge-Judy. That’s one way to get your point across. By FAXING your demands. Like anyone’s going to take your crap fax seriously. Don’t be a douchebag. (And as far as blast faxing goes, be sure to use protection.)

The email opens with a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: “I have a dream: that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE! No he DIDN’T just use MLK’s famous words to accuse the first Hispanic nominee to the Supreme Court of reverse racism. But OH MY GOD HE SO DID.

A few more excerpts:

Can you imagine if the President of the United States nominated a judge to the U.S. Supreme Court who said this: “My experience as a white man will make me a better judge than a Latina woman would be.” Or could you imagine if that same judge ruled from the bench to deny 18 African-American firefighters a promotion just because of their skin color? That judge would be called a bigot — and in my judgment, rightly so! Would there be any doubt that he would be FORCED to WITHDRAW his nomination for the Supreme Court?

Totally not fair that Newt knows how to use all caps for emphasis. He’s only been a blogger for, what, all of FIVE SECONDS?

Judge Sotomayor said that her experience as a person of a particular sex and ethnic background will make her a better judge than a person of another sex and a different ethnic background! When did that view become acceptable? If Civil War, suffrage, and Civil Rights are to mean anything, we cannot accept that conclusion. It is simply un-American. There is no room on the bench of the United States Supreme Court for this worldview.

If Sotomayor is confirmed, there will no doubt be another civil war, one that will be portrayed in a powerful miniseries entitled “North and South II,” featuring Patrick Swayze and that other guy.

It gets worse: According the American Bar Association, Sotomayor is a member of La Raza (“the Race”). The National Council of La Raza was the group that was willing to compromise our national security by promoting driver’s licenses for illegal aliens, amnesty programs, and no immigration law enforcement by local and state police.

Maybe Newt will get lucky and Sotomayor will be deported, along with her illegal pregnant power-washing nanny. Sayonara, Senora!

Judge Sotomayor has received a fair amount of criticism from the right due to the fact that she referred to herself as a Latina woman. This apparently came as quite a shock to many conservatives who had naturally assumed she was a white man. Since Sotomayor came out as a woman (strike one) of Hispanic descent (strike two), she is being accused of “reverse racism,” which is code for “wanting to kill all the white men.” No wonder white men such as Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich are afraid of her.

On Wednesday, Gingrich wrote the following on his blog (Newt.org):

Imagine a judicial nominee said ‘my experience as a white man makes me better than a Latina woman.’ Wouldn’t they have to withdraw? New racism is no better than old racism… A white man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw. Latina woman racist should also withdraw.

Newt.org can also be customized para Latinos, although there is no mention of the Supreme Court nominee in this version. (I could be mistaken since my Spanish is pretty rusty and by “pretty rusty,” I mean “I never learned Spanish because I thought French would serve me better in the future.”) Anyway, we all know that Hispanics won’t notice this omission because they can’t speak The English.

Today Newt Gingrich weighed in on Nancy Pelosi. She is a big, fat loser. Referring to what can only be called Waterboardgate, Gingrich had this to say:

“She is a trivial politician, viciously using partisanship for the narrowest of purposes, and she dishonors the Congress by her behavior. Speaker Pelosi’s the big loser, because she either comes across as incompetent, or dishonest. Those are the only two defenses. The fact is, she either didn’t do her job, or she did do her job and she’s now afraid to tell the truth.”

Gingrich added that Pelosi is engaging in a “despicable, dishonest and vicious political effort” to cover her ass in a cover-your-ass move that would put all other cover-your-asses to shame. The former speaker is calling for an inquiry into the matter.

I agree that Pelosi really f*cked this one up. But I don’t see why Newt would want to openly challenge Pelosi to a Speaker Loser-Off. Government shutdowns, crybaby temper tantrums, ethics violations, and being tossed out by your own party doesn’t exactly make you a winner.

Next Sunday President Obama is scheduled to give the commencement speech at Notre Dame, to the outrage of conservative Catholics from the Vatican to former heathen Newt Gingrich. Here’s Newtie on FOX News Sunday. (I mistakenly thought I was turning on “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” before realizing that even on his WORST hair and make-up day, George would still look 100 times better than Chris Wallace.)

WALLACE: Is Notre Dame wrong to honor the president?

GINGRICH: I think that to the degree that Notre Dame still thinks of itself as a Catholic institution, it raises real questions. One, it invites somebody who, as a state senator, voted to protect the right of abortionists to kill babies who were born–who were still alive after the abortion. And I think the president’s position has been the most radical pro-abortion of any American president. So I think there is a legitimate question there. But look. I’m a new convert. I’ll let–I’ll let the Vatican speak for the church. I’m just speaking for Newt Gingrich.

WALLACE: Wait a couple of years, and then you can start speaking for the pope.

HA HA HA. I guess as a newbie Catholic Newt forgot the commandment about not committing adultery. Or bearing false witness. Or coveting thy neighbor’s wife. Or not being an asshole.

More than 350,000 people have signed an online petition demanding that Notre Dame rescind its invitation and give someone more respectable an honorary degree, like that bishop who denied the Holocaust. They’ve also launched a major rosary prayer campaign (the poor souls in purgatory will have to wait it out a little longer). But apparently the Catholic Elders didn’t have a problem with George W. giving the commencement speech because he’s a freaking saint.

And, yes, in case you were wondering, the Notre Dame Commencementroversy is the most tragic thing going on in the world today, as evidenced by Jesus weeping at the sight of Obama on holy campus ground.

(Click here for more on the Notre Dame Scandal and the video of some priest bearing an uncanny resemblance to Jesse Ventura.)

Every time I turned on the TV this weekend, I saw the handshake (the new terrorist fist bump) heard around the world between Obama and Hugo Chavez. Has anyone considered the distinct possibility that Obama was slipping the Venezuelan president a few bolavar fuertes to get a better seat at the table? At least this has given conservatives something other than tea parties and secession to bitch about. My father called me yesterday to ask if Texas was really seceding from the union. Even Republican retirees in Florida wearing Tommy Bahama shirts are laughing at us.

Leave it to Newt Gingrich to lead the charge against Obama’s greeting of the Venezuelan president at the Summit of the Americas, accusing Obama of bolstering the “enemies of America.” Although I must say that the bear hug coupled with tearful exchanges of “You let go first,” “No YOU let go first” was a bit over the top.

Here’s Newt on Fox & Friends: “Frankly, this does look a lot like JIMMY CARTER. CARTER tried weakness, and the world got tougher and tougher, because the predators, the aggressors, the anti-Americans, the dictators — when they sense weakness, they all start pushing ahead.”

Ha! Jimmy Carter again! Earlier this month, the former speaker pulled out the Carter card, saying, “Not since JIMMY CARTER have we had an administration this out of touch with reality.” I’m starting to sense a pattern. Obama…Carter. Carter…Obama. Only a Reagan Republican could get us out of this mess.

Meanwhile, the book that Chavez gave Obama, “Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent,” has shot up to number two on Amazon’s bestseller list (proof that the book isn’t gay). I’m thinking of recommending it to my book club, mostly because I don’t want to read the rest of the “Twilight” series.

You all know that Newt Gingrich is Catholic now, right? Incidentally, it is Holy Week which means today is Holy Monday which means you should be fasting if you’re not already, in light of the fact that you have no money for food. In this economy, we are all Catholics.

In celebration of his new-found faith, Gingrich echoed Dick Cheney’s assertion that our country is at a much greater risk for a terrorist attack now that Obama’s president. Which is no real surprise, given that Obama has befriended the Ottoman Empire.

“Dick Cheney is clearly right in saying that between the court decisions about terrorists and the administration actions, the United States is running greater risks of getting attacked than we were under President Bush,” Gingrich said, crossing himself and muttering “JESUS, Mary, and Joseph.” (Yes, everyone who becomes a Catholic immediately becomes an elderly Irish woman at the same time.)

But then Newt took it a little too far, saying that the president’s proposals for nuclear disarmament amount to “a dangerous fantasy that runs an enormous risk. … Not since Jimmy Carter have we had an administration this out of touch with reality.”

OH NO HE DIDN’T JUST PLAY THE JIMMY CARTER CARD. That’s almost as bad as comparing someone to Dukakis.

Most of my Sundays start out the same. I wake up waiting for someone to bring me coffee in bed and then realize that’s not going to happen so I get up and let out a heavy sigh to express my dissatisfaction at the service around here. I turn on the TV to watch the Stephmonster and then OH MY GOD IS THAT KARL ROVE? Damn, George, you could’ve given us a little notice before seating Mr. Creepy at the roundtable. Mostly I just watched the cat fight between Rove and Katrina van whatshername of The Nation.

I had to suffer through that little exchange after seeing George eat OMB Director Peter Orszag for brunch. Republican Whip (that’s what she said) Eric Cantor came next, apparently to compete against Orszag for the Tiniest Glasses on Earth contest.

Not particularly interested in watching another young Republican rising star burn out, I began flipping through the New York Times. There’s Business, Sunday Styles, the Book Review, the Sunday magazine. OH MY GOD IS THAT NEWT GINGRICH? Doing his best Jack Nicholson?

Speaking of Jack Nicholson (apologies for the weak segue), the Republican party is starting to look like “As Good As It Gets.” While Newt is an extremely smart guy, the fact that Republicans are looking to him to revive their party seems somewhat misguided.

Gingrich finds himself, once again, at the zenith of influence in conservative Washington. It is a fortuitous collision of man and moment. Having ceded the agenda to a Republican president for the past eight years, Republicans now find that they have strikingly little to say that isn’t entirely reactive — or reactionary.

Last week’s CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) left little doubt that this is a party which is looking for a savior in all the wrong places. One of the biggest celebrities was Joe the Plumber (a headline from the Christian Science Monitor actually read, “Is Joe Plumber the new leader of the GOP?”).

Mitt Romney won the “presidential preference” straw poll for the third year in a row. Bobby Jindal was second despite his joke of a response last Tuesday. Sarah Palin and Ron Paul placed third. If I were a Republican seriously interested in winning back the Congress, the White House, or at least a modicum of respect, I’d be looking at MN Gov. Tim Pawlenty or FL Gov. Charlie Crist as potential 2012 candidates.

Guess who gave the CPAC closing address? Rush Limbaugh. What if this is as good as it gets?

Yesterday I found out some rather alarming news. First, that there is no wet bar at Texas Monthly. And second, my father has announced he will vote Democratic in 2008.

Let me tell you something about my father. He hasn’t voted for a Democrat since JFK, and the only reason he voted for JFK is because he was a fellow Irish Catholic from Boston. Since 1960, my retired doctor father in Florida, who splits his time between golf and 3PM happy hours, has voted for whichever Republican candidate happens to be running.

He’s a conservative’s conservative, which makes holiday gatherings quite lively. Typically my father and I are seated at different ends of the table but this hasn’t stopped me from saying, “Bush is an ass*hole. Please pass the yams.”

My father, however, agrees with me on that point. He hates Bush. In fact, he hates Bush so much (mostly because of the war in Iraq) that he refrained from voting in 2004. (No, he couldn’t bring himself to vote for John Kerry.) But THIS time, he has vowed to vote for a Democrat. When I heard this, I called him right away, breaking the four-year silence since the last presidential election.

He is so disenchanted with the Republican candidates that he has even promised to VOTE FOR HILLARY if she is the nominee. You don’t understand the magnitude of this decision. He hates Bill Clinton with a passion, and probably hates her even more. If there are more Republicans like my father, we will win this thing.

But what if Newt Gingrich were to enter the race? Would things change? (I have attempted to get my father to sign a notarized letter promising to vote Democratic to no avail.)

Gingrich, appearing on Good Morning America, said, “Next Monday, my good friend and adviser Randy Evans will have a press conference and will outline a process for us to spend the next few weeks finding out whether or not there are enough resources to wage a serious campaign.”

Apparently Gingrich was accosted by an “amazing amount of people” at a Republican conference over the weekend who told him they “want somebody who can debate Sen. Clinton, who can go toe to toe and debate the kind of changes we need in America.” Gingrich added that he was “prepared to try.”

God help us.

Newt Gingrich has publicly admitted that he was having an extramarital affair during the Clinton-Lewinsky impeachment proceedings. That’s just disgusting. Who would have an affair with Eye of Newt Gingrich? According to an interview with Focus on the Family’s James Dobson, the former Speaker said, “There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There’s certainly times when I’ve fallen short of God’s standards.” Dude. You’ve even fallen short of ITPT standards and, according to the manual, we don’t even have standards.

But don’t label Newt a hypocrite. Even though he is a hypocrite. Labels are mean. “The president of the United States got in trouble for committing a felony in front of a sitting federal judge,” Gingrich said. “I never got caught getting some tail on the side, so I never had to lie about it. I’m sure you can appreciate the difference if you’re a total moron.”

Two divorces later, and now married to a former aide more than 20 years younger than him, Gingrich is still considering a run for the presidency. If Giuliani can do it, why not Newt?

It looks like being associated with Jack Abramoff is worse for your career than being found in bed sucking on a hooker’s toes (thank you Dick Morris).

Republican House aides are reporting that Republicans don’t want Tom DeLay to serve as Majority Leader anymore. REALLY? YOU DON’T WANT A CORRUPT LITTLE TROLL STEERING YOU INTO THE ELECTIONS? Former House Speaker and Contract With America Revolutionist Newt Gingrich voiced his own concern about DeLay. “You don’t have to render any judgment on Congressman DeLay to conclude that over the next six or eight months, he is going to be very busy and that it’s important for the House Republican Party to have an effective majority leader.”

This, from a guy who was reprimanded by the House on ethics violations. At the time, Tom DeLay said of Gingrich, “The highest possible standard does not mean an impossible standard no American could possibly reach. Let’s stop this madness, let’s stop the cannibalism.” Little did he know, they’d be dining on him next. Someone pass the Pepto.

If Newt runs for President, I bet he’ll pick Connie Chung as his running mate. Just between you and me.