While I was watching the Florida returns last night on CNN/MSNBC/FOX/TNT/TBS, I was missing War Games on AMC. (Goddammit, I’d piss on a spark plug if I thought it’d do any good!) The movie came out in 1983 at the height of my fear that it was just a matter of time before we would all be blown away by nukes and I’d be left in some sort of radiation wasteland with Jason Robards. The film’s premise is an apt description of the Republican primary: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Incidentally Romney won the game last night by 14 points but you wouldn’t have known it from Gingrich’s speech. Good God. He didn’t even congratulate him. We all know you hate him but it’s customary to congratulate the winner through gritted teeth. He could at least apologize for upping the ante on Romney taking kosher food away from nursing home residents to Romney forcing SURVIVORS OF THE HOLOCAUST to eat non-kosher.

The robo-call: “As governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney vetoed a bill paying for kosher foods for our seniors in nursing home — Holocaust survivors, who for the first time were forced to eat non-kosher because Romney thought $5 was too much to pay for our grandparents to eat kosher. Where is Mitt Romney’s compassion for our seniors? Paid for by Newt 2012.”

That is some seriously sick stuff. Even coming from a seriously sick man like Newt Gingrich. Almost makes me pine for the good old days of the 2008 campaign. Speaking of which, the trailer for HBO’s Game Change is out. You have no idea how excited I am for this movie. (Well, now you have some idea.) Julianne Moore is a dead ringer for Sarah Palin and Ed Harris makes a pretty good John McCain.

If you’re looking forward to Game Change 2012, something they’re apparently already working on, Gingrich says he wants Brad Pitt to play him. Good luck with that. I’ve been wanting Angelina to play me in the story of my life (TBD wide release) but my producers have repeatedly told me that Betty White is more realistic.

Apparently Gingrich has been using the song “Eye of the Tiger” at his campaign rallies and Survivor is not happy. They’ve even filed a lawsuit for him to cease and desist and for unspecified damages. (Incidentally this was always my favorite Survivor song although “High on You” was a close second.) As someone who’s a huge fan of Rocky (and boxing in general), I find this inexcusable. Gingrich is way more like Paulie than Rocky. Can you imagine Apollo trying to train Gingrich? Can you imagine Gingrich in short shorts and tube socks racing Apollo on the beach and then frolicking in the ocean in a warm heterosexual embrace? Gross.

I can appreciate the sentiment of being an underdog and using “Eye of the Tiger” as your personal ballad. I walk around with the song in my head on most days and, at times, mutter under my breath, Eye of the Tiger, Eileen, Eye of the Tiger. And then I end my day with a round of shadow boxing at home. But Gingrich has no right to use this song for his own nefarious purposes and ruin it for the rest of us. Watch out for the knockout punch tonight, Newt.

So I’m back from Florida where I single-handedly demolished Newt Gingrich’s campaign. Don’t ask me how. You don’t want to know. Suffice it to say, the latest poll shows Romney leading by 20 points. That gives Newt less than 24 hours to turn things around with his BIG FAT GRANDIOSE IDEAS. I was feeling pretty confident that Romney would win until I read this shocking news.

At his first rally of the morning, Newt Gingrich rolled out a new attack line: Mitt Romney took kosher food away from elderly Jewish people.

“He eliminated serving kosher food for elderly Jewish residents under Medicare,” Gingrich said. “I did not know this; it just came out yesterday.”

First, why is Romney trying to take food out of the mouths of the chosen people? Second, does the early bird special even come in kosher? And third, as a Catholic, Newt should know that we don’t believe in kosher food. We believe in fasting and drinking. I’ve never understood what keeping kosher means. Apparently it has something to do with how food is prepared and eaten and blessed and how the animals are slaughtered. Gross.

Apparently as governor Romney rejected $600,000 in additional funding for Jewish nursing home residents to get kosher meals. Brooklyn state Assemblyman and Orthodox Jew Dov Hikind, who supports Gingrich, was outraged. “Well, ‘let them eat pork or let them eat something else’ — if you’re kosher, you’re not eating anything else. It’s just that simple. People who are kosher — it’s not a choice they have.” Oh, please. Being gay isn’t a choice. Being kosher? Choice. When I’m an old woman and wearing purple, I’m not going to bitch about my food. I’m going to bitch about the fact that I’m old.

Only 20 percent of Jews keep kosher anyway. This is the lamest attack I’ve heard yet, just another opportunity for Newt to show Jewish voters how much Romney wants to destroy them and their homeland. Oy vey, Mormons! Ez men est khazer zol rinen ariber der bord. (Yiddish. Look it up. I did.)

All day yesterday I was thinking some really big thoughts, like grandiose thoughts, like my brain was going to explode if I didn’t put those thoughts into words. Here’s my column in The Atlantic: The Only Culprit in Rick Perry’s Collapse is Rick Perry.

It was all over before it started. When Rick Perry bounded onto the national stage as the consummate politician who had never lost a race, he was already being feted in the media as the all-but-certain Republican nominee. He was being called the next Ronald Reagan — the next best thing to being called Jesus Christ Superstar, if not a little better. But Perry quickly became a caricature of himself.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I watched last night’s debate and yes, I watched the much-touted Nightline interview with Marianne Gingrich telling the world that her ex-husband wanted an open marriage. (How much more “open” can you get then engaging in an ongoing extramarital affair that your wife knows about? Like Eyes Wide Shut open?) So I head into the weekend with images of a Newt Gingrich threesome. Hopefully now you do too.

Rick Perry might be dropping out of the race but he will always be president of my heart. Although I had considered allowing my site to go dark in solidarity with every other traumatized blogger, I have decided to soldier on in the face of adversity.

The press conference will begin momentarily. Stay tuned.

10AM: Waiting. I remember the last Perry press conference I attended. I remember it fondly.
10:06AM: Apparently Perry’s press conference is being held in someone’s basement.
10:07AM: On the bright side, I won’t have to watch tonight’s debate.
BREAKING: Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife says he wanted an “open marriage.” As in “to swing.” There goes my breakfast.
10:10AM: Seriously. That wood paneling definitely suggests a basement.
10:12AM: And, we’re starting.
10:13AM: “I ran for president because I love America.”
10:13AM: Anita looks nauseous. I feel her pain.
10:14AM: “…a son of tenant farmers…” “former Air Force pilot”…
10:15AM: “Our country’s hurtin’” “We need bold conservative leadership to give the American people their country back.”
10:16AM: “Therefore today I am suspending my campaign and endorsing Newt Gingrich. And Newt is not perfect. But I believe in the power of redemption.”
10:18AM: “Like Sam Houston…I know when it’s time to make a strategic retreat.”
10:18AM: “As I head home I do so with the love of my life, my wife.” No word on whether they have an open marriage.
10:19AM: “The future of our country is at stake.”
Griffin has been an excellent campaign prop.
Perry is now thanking his supporters. All two of them.
10:22AM: “I felt led into the arena…I have just begun to fight.”
10:23AM: And…that’s all.

Somewhere God is weeping. You know, when God calls you, you go. You don’t quit in the middle or suspend your campaign just to endorse a swinging adulterer. You have to be all in. You have to have faith that God will vanquish your unworthy opponents. Today Perry didn’t just disappoint his tens of supporters. He disappointed God. And now God will punish all of us by returning him to Texas.

Update: My column in the Observer is up. “The End of Perry’s Short, Winding Road.”

I apologize for the late posting. I was at my daily 4-hour advanced Zumba class.

Apparently some conservatives (including Newt Gingrich) are calling for Perry to get out of the race before Saturday’s primary. As someone who has finally found meaning in life through following Perry’s campaign, I’d like to say FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST KEEP GOING. Where is God’s divine intervention when we need it? Can we start an interactive online rosary? (Yes, typically you pray the rosary for the poor lost souls in purgatory but this is an emergency. They’ll have to just wait another hundred years.) What about the last-minute mailers? What about all the time and effort you’ve put into this week’s debates? What about your promises?

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson (I’m changing my name to Eileen Eileenson) wrote today that if Perry were to drop out and endorse someone else he would be considered a “kingmaker.” Kingmaker. As if Perry’s ego isn’t big enough. The man can hardly hold his head up. It’s not like these conservatives want him to endorse Romney. They want him to throw his support to Newt. As if Newt’s ego isn’t big enough. The man has to DRAG HIS HEAD along the floor when he walks.

To endorse Romney would be to turn Perry’s message throughout the campaign into a joke. It would buy Perry no good will. He would return to Texas a joke.

Is there any other way?

Last night’s debate took place in Myrtle Beach, SC, a destination known more for Girls Gone Wild skanks than for Republican presidential candidates but at least scantily clad college students doing body shots off each other have some sense of decency. I tuned in mostly to see how Perry would perform in what is sure to be his second to last debate. (You can read my IN DEPTH analysis over at the Observer.) I wasn’t disappointed. He was in rare form and by “rare” I mean he “had a pulse.” Of course it doesn’t matter what kind of night he had since according to FiveThirtyEight projections, he has a 0% chance of winning Saturday’s primary. Zero percent. You’d think they could have at least given him a half percent so as not to completely humiliate him.

But it was Newt Gingrich who really stole the show with his hilarious racist commentary.

JUAN WILLIAMS: Speaker Gingrich, you recently said black Americans should demand jobs, not food stamps. You also said poor kids lack a strong work ethic and proposed having them work as janitors in their schools. Can’t you see that this is viewed, at a minimum, as insulting to all Americans, but particularly to black Americans?

GINGRICH: No. I don’t see that. (APPLAUSE) New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids to work in the school for the price of one janitor, and those 30 kids would be a lot less likely to drop out. They would actually have money in their pocket. They’d learn to show up for work. They could do light janitorial duty. They’d be getting money, which is a good thing if you’re poor. Only the elites despise earning money.

Now clearly I don’t believe in reincarnation because I’m Catholic and there is NO WAY I’m going to keep coming back to this dump when I should be in heaven wearing a tiara with all the other saints. (Actually I will be the only one with the tiara.) But if reincarnation does exist, and there is any justice in the world, Gingrich is coming back as a poor, black kid who is forced to clean toilets after school, while his fellow classmates participate in extracurricular activities, in order to learn the meaning of getting paid nothing for hard labor.

As an ongoing service I provide to you free of charge, I have watched something incredibly painful and time-consuming so you don’t have to. This morning I spent 30 minutes of my life—30 minutes that I can NEVER GET BACK unless I figure out how to reverse the spin of the planet and turn back time—watching the anti-Romney documentary, King of Bain: When Mitt Romney Came to Town. This is the “film” produced by the pro-Gingrich super PAC funded by wealthy casino magnate Sheldon Adelson. A casino magnate instructing us on the evils of capitalism. Aren’t they like the worst of the worst? And why has Gingrich accepted money from a casino magnate? I believe gambling is a mortal sin in the eyes of the Catholic church, along with serial infidelity, multiple marriages and not baptizing your baby. Meaning that Gingrich is a triple threat.

I could have put together a better video with stock photos and my iPhone. The documentary opens with rich men smoking cigars and carrying their money around in briefcases (monocle and hairless cat forthcoming). The producers found regular folks who were laid off after their companies were bought and sold by Bain Capital so clearly these people are not going to like Romney. When I got laid off from drkoop.com (good luck staying alive without a health policy reporter, suckers!) I gleefully participated in an anti-Koop documentary where I wept on camera and accused the former surgeon general of wearing women’s underwear.

Like Newt Effing Gingrich is any different, exploiting innocent people’s tragedies for his own political purposes. If he feels so bad for these people why doesn’t he take the $5 million that’s being spent on his campaign in South Carolina and give it to them to help them reclaim their livelihood? Or better yet, he could tap into his own personal wealth of $7 million. Oh, I forgot. It’s Romney who’s the rich heartless capitalist.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the Catholic church has launched a new marketing campaign called “Catholics Come Home.” When I saw the ad on TV over the weekend I thought, oh Good God, we’re calling the wayward Catholics back? Those two-time Easter-Christmas holiday Catholics? The Judas Catholics? There won’t be enough hosts for everyone! I like having the front pew all to myself in case I need to nap! I also enjoy heckling the priest during the homily, pretending to put money in the offering basket and skipping out right after Communion. But now we’re supposed to welcome the lost sheep back into the fold? WWED? I’ll tell you what EWD. Tell them to go to the Episcopal church down the street, the one that anyone can join.

But let’s face it. Now, more than ever, Catholics need all the help they can get. The two highest profile Catholics in the news are Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich. These are the church’s representatives? (How did Newt get in anyway? Isn’t there some kind of limit on number of annulments?) Santorum especially talks a lot about his lifelong Catholic faith. He has commented that the three pictures hanging in the home of his grandparents as a boy were Jesus, Pope Paul VI and John F. Kennedy. Which is funny because those are the exact same pictures I have in my house, minus Jesus and the pope. Just three pictures of JFK. Naturally Rick was an altar boy. I would have been an altar girl but that wasn’t allowed. Instead I sang in the choir choking back my tears. His family always said grace before meals, which is what we did and I would silently pray that my parents wouldn’t notice I was feeding my dinner to our dog, napkinful by napkinful.

Here’s where Santorum differs from mainstream Catholics: evolution, climate change and, yes, even same-sex marriage and adoption. A few days ago Santorum suggested that a child would be better off with an imprisoned father than with two mothers. I totally agree. You just can’t trust a same-sex couple raising a child as much as you can trust a homicidal maniac.

Is anyone excited about the New Hampshire primary? Mitt Romney’s going to win. (Spoiler.) Apparently everyone’s waiting to see who comes in second—Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman. Who wants to come in second? Have you ever seen the silver medal “winners” at the Olympics? They look like they’re about to kill themselves. And I can’t even begin to imagine how much of a loser you feel like if you come in sixth place. Any state that gives Rick Perry only one percent of the vote DOESN’T DESERVE RICK PERRY. (Incidentally Perry said yesterday that he doesn’t pay more than $25 on haircuts. That’s such bullshit. I pay way more than $25 on my hair and we’ve all seen what I look like.)

Romney’s also leading the pack in South Carolina and Florida. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think that Romney will be the nominee? There’s a good article in Politico today that says that Romney doesn’t have to be the perfect candidate. He just has to be better than all the other yahoos. How hard is that?

Two guys are out camping, when they hear a bear clawing into their tent. The first guy jumps up and starts pulling his shoes on. “Don’t be an idiot,” the second guy says. “You can’t outrun a bear!” “I don’t have to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just have to outrun you.”

I love that joke almost as much as the pope/homeless guy joke. Of course Romney’s lead doesn’t take into account the huge endorsement that Newt Gingrich picked up yesterday. Todd Palin. I would rather be endorsed by Snooki. Todd said he likes Gingrich because he’s not one of those “beltway” types. Oh, Todd. Leave Alaska much?

There are certain things I’d rather not think about which naturally means I can’t stop myself from thinking about them until I’m left squeezing my head to block out the images. (This is a similar technique to closing your eyes so that everyone around you disappears.) For example if I said “Newt Gingrich’s butt,” you’d probably recoil in horror and then not be able to get it out of your head. Newt Gingrich’s big white butt. Staring you in the face. Asking for your vote.

Don’t blame me. Blame David Axelrod. Yesterday Obama’s chief campaign strategist said Gingrich is “like a monkey” and “the higher a monkey climbs on a pole, the more you can see his butt…so the speaker is very high on the pole right now and we’ll see how people like the view.” Could there be a more disgusting analogy? First of all, like Gingrich could climb a pole to save his life. And second, who stares at a monkey’s butt? OF COURSE I wouldn’t like the view. I only like adorable monkeys dressed up in business suits for our amusement.

While Perry bashes The Gays for ruining Christmas, Romney is bashing Gingrich for ruining marriage. I can’t decide which is more horrifying—gay soldiers hanging gay tinsel on their gay Christmas trees or Gingrich getting not one, not two, but THREE women to marry him and, I assume, sleep with him.

The new Romney ad centers around Romney’s 42-year marriage and his lifelong Mormon faith. This is in stark contrast to Gingrich’s first 19-year marriage, his second 19-year marriage and his current 11-year marriage. That’s 49 years total. Now that’s commitment. But given past history in eight years Newt should be back on the market. Make that seven years. He tends to kick off his new marriages with extramarital affairs.

The ad also takes on Gingrich’s church-cheating, from Lutheran to Southern Baptist to Catholicism. At least he’s been consistent. That’s three religions for three wives. As an ambassador of the Catholic church, I want everyone to know that we don’t like being the church of last resort. However as the only Catholic in the race, I feel compelled to pick up my cross and follow Newt.

Ad Dòminum Deum nostrum.

I’m back from Chicago, where I unfortunately suffered a coccyx injury while ice skating at Millennium Park. I spent all of last night sitting on an ice pack crying out in pain. Also, because I fell flat on my back, I’m fairly certain the impact caused a neck injury which no doubt requires a brace. You may be asking yourself, how on earth did this happen? I’ll tell you how it happened. I’m old and I fell. But lying helpless on the ice, children speeding past me flicking bits of snow in my face, I was reminded of when I was little and my father liked to play “Crack the Whip” with my sisters and me. That’s when you all hold hands and skate as fast as you can and you let go of the person on the end, typically the youngest and weakest sibling, who then goes hurtling through time and space until hitting the wall at full force. HOW HILARIOUS.

In other news outside of my personal drama, ex-Speaker Nancy Pelosi is apparently threatening to release potentially damaging information that she has on Newt Gingrich from his time as speaker during those pesky ethics investigations. Of course, this is all a matter of public record which means any one of you could have read it if you had any interest outside of your tiny little lives.

“One of these days we’ll have a conversation about Newt Gingrich,” Pelosi cryptically told TPM. “I know a lot about him. I served on the investigative committee that investigated him, four of us locked in a room in an undisclosed location for a year. A thousand pages of his stuff.” First of all, tattletale. Second of all, a thousand pages of Newt Gingrich? I’d rather read the entire Twilight series and travel the country representing Team Jacob.

In response, Newt said that Pelosi was giving him “an early Christmas gift.” As I wrote on Politico this morning,  this statement sounds like Pelosi is going to pop out of a giant fruitcake in a sexy Santa outfit while holding the documents between her bosom. Gingrich also said that all 83 charges against him were found to be false. What he didn’t say was that he’s the only speaker ever reprimanded by the House and was subsequently ordered to pay $300,000 for “reckless disregard of House rules.” He was then ousted by his own party. Details.

(While I was gone, Herman Cain decided to “suspend” his campaign, meaning that we won’t have Herman Cain to kick around anymore. Just everyone else.)

As you may have already guessed, I’m heading out of town tomorrow for the Thanksgiving holiday to visit my father and his Tommy Bahama shirts in Naples, FL. My oldest sister and her family will be there as well and I can’t wait to surprise my nieces with little pilgrim girl outfits to match mine. Like every other year, right before Thanksgiving dinner, I will clear my throat loudly and clink my wine glass with my already-broken tooth in order to make a toast or, as my father calls it, a spectacle. I don’t want to ruin the toast by blogging about it beforehand but needless to say, I’m most thankful for the Republican field.

Topping the charts this week is Newt Gingrich. This is how bad it’s gotten. Do you have any idea how much I would love to see Newt as the nominee? I mean, Newt Bleeping Gingrich. He’s currently tied with Romney now that Cain has fallen out of favor, mostly due to his inappropriate fondling of Libya. Last week it was reported that Gingrich earned $2 million in consulting fees from Freddie Mac and that his think tank raised more than $35 million from the health industry. This is the everyman tea party guy?

On Friday, Gingrich spoke at Harvard saying that child labor laws are “truly stupid.” He was proposing a plan that would allow poor children to clean their schools for money. “It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.” This is so great. Of course poor children should start cleaning their school bathrooms. Everyone knows that they’ll be janitors someday. They might as well start practicing now. In fact, why are they even in school? Who

Gingrich better enjoy his moment in the sun while he still can. Perry has just signed the Family Leader’s marriage pledge that includes the Defense of Marriage Act, personal fidelity to one’s spouse and reforming “anti-marriage” elements in divorce, tax and welfare laws. Naturally Bachmann and Santorum have already signed the pledge and Gingrich said he would sign it with “a few modifications.” Like that “personal fidelity” clause. Could this pledge be any more useless? It’s even worse than those teen purity pledges. You know how effective those were? Ask the former virgins-turned-prom-queens.

So enjoy your holiday. Be sure to have those marriage pledges at the ready for your relatives to make the family gathering even more uncomfortable.

If I learned one thing from the Republican debate last night, it was that John King has completely run out of ideas. Once you ask a presidential candidate whether he likes “spicy” or “mild,” it’s pretty much a one-way ticket to Spitzer-King. You see, CNN introduced a fun new way to get to know the candidates that involved lighthearted “this-or-that” questions! Like “American Idol” or “Dancing With the Stars”? Or “Coke or Pepsi”? This is not insight. I’ll give you insight.

“Anthony Weiner: Hot or Not?”
“Mormonism or some other cult?”
“God or Jesus?”
“Muslims or terrorists? OMG trick question!”
“Gays or transsexuals?”
“The Wire or The Killing?”
“Obamacare or Obamneycare?”
“Orphan babies or deep dish pizza?”
“Ron Paul or Rand Paul?”
“Madonna or Gaga?”
“Newt’s first wife or third wife?”
“Global warming or evolution?”
“Would you press a button for $1 million which would simultaneously cause the death of another human being somewhere in the world or would you just kill the bastard yourself?”

And, courtesy of @HCookAustin, “Circumcised, uncircumcised, or ‘I haven’t seen it since 40 pounds ago’?”

You could also ask “Rick Perry or Jon Huntsman?” but that would be absurd. Romney has cornered the market on the Mormons. Which leaves us with Perry, who told the Texas Tribune today that “people would like to see other options in the race.” Clearly. But “other options” doesn’t mean “you.” If this is the guy Republicans want, have at him. You have no idea.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff jumped ship yesterday amid rumors that he had photographed his sunshine and faxed it to several young women in the DC area. Gingrich is saying the mass resignations occurred due to a “strategic disagreement about how to run a campaign,” and that he has no intention of getting out of the race. It’s traumatic when your former allies, people you trusted, turn against you. I remember when all of In the Pink’s guest writers left me to “pursue other opportunities,” where they wouldn’t be “treated poorly by a woman constantly on the verge of a psychotic break,” and I was all, YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN THIS BLOG MAKES ME RICH. Any day now.

In light of the fact that two of Newt’s top advisers who defected—Dave Carney and Rob Johnson—are former Perry aides, there’s even more buzz that Perry will run. I think it’s because Pawlenty’s so boring and Romney’s so Mormon. I still don’t think he’s going to run. This is the guy who said that Juarez was the most dangerous city in America. He would be skewered in the national media. Assuming they ever stop talking about Weiner. (Latest news: Weiner’s wife is still wearing her wedding ring. Probably because she’s carrying his child.)

Speaking of men who cheat, there’s a truly bizarre report in the Enquirer today that Elizabeth Edwards recorded a secret videotape for prosecutors before her death in order to nail her bastard husband. According to a source, “Elizabeth wanted to exact revenge against John for destroy­ing their 33-year marriage and family by cheating with Rielle.” Seriously? That’s what she decided to do with her final moments? I hope that in my final days on earth I’m not worrying about how to punish the people who have wronged me (there are several). I will save that for The Haunting.

The first post in an ongoing series, So Not Worried About 2012.

No one should be blamed for youthful indiscretions. I mean, if college dorm walls could talk! My crazy nights of playing drinking games alone in my loft would be exposed! So you can’t possibly hold possible 2012 candidate Newt Gingrich accountable for his own youthful dalliances: First affair/divorce at 37, Next affair/divorce at 58. While I might give him 37 as young (YES LATE THIRTIES IS STILL YOUNG), I think he’s pushing it with 58. He’s way past middle-aged, unless he plans to live until he’s 116.

In a radio interview Monday, Gingrich said he was prepared for attacks on his character by godless liberals who have no idea how hard it is to have three marriages under your belt. “I expect my opponents to go back 15, 20, 25 years and try to render an alternate judgment I understand that’s what they’ll do.” I mean, he’s already admitted to past infidelities. What more does he have to do? Stop cheating on his spouses? Anyway, he’s already atoned for his sins by converting to Catholicism, where marriages are annulled and therefore never happened.

“I’ve made no bones about the fact there were times I did the wrong thing, and I’ve made no bones about the fact that I’ve asked for forgiveness,” Gingrich said. I’m pretty sure “boning” was what got you into trouble. (OMG!) “I think most Americans are fair,” he said. “And I think most Americans will look at the totality of my life.”

Dude. That should scare you even more.

Really? These are the Republican frontrunners for 2012? Imagine my surprise when I went to Politico this morning and saw these men staring back at me. (Newt might not look like he’s staring straight at you but it was a very Black Swan moment for me.) My God, at first I thought it was a story about Mitt Romney and his Mormon forefathers. Like, peers of Joseph Smith cryogenically frozen to be thawed out in 2011 to help Romney win the Republican nomination and convert the entire human race to Mormonism.

But apparently the old white guy on the left is Harley Barbour and the old white guy on the right is Newt Gingrich, two big names in the 2012 campaign. Other names being floated around include John Thune, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Mitch Daniels, Rick Perry (seriously?), Ron Paul, and Dr. Frasier Crane. There’s also a surprise candidate—Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and a favorite of the tea party. You think I’m kidding. Who here has eaten Godfather’s Pizza before? I’ve never even heard of it, and try to limit my dough and tomato sauce intake to Grotto’s in Rehoboth Beach. (Of course, the questionable mob ties may ultimately sink his bid.)

On his website, Cain states that fellow patriots can “find all of the important information necessary to keep up-to-date with my decision-making process as I continue to determine how God wants me to best serve our great nation.” I can’t believe God determined that the best way for me to serve our great nation is to blog into my 60s.

Since Newt Gingrich is now part of my Catholic brethren, I’ve been anxiously waiting for him to weigh in on this whole Ground Zero Terrorist Infidel Mosque fiasco, even more so than the Vatican (I hear they’ve got their hands full). After I prayed 18 rosaries, Newt finally released a statement. I consider that divine condescension.

There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia. The time for double standards that allow Islamists to behave aggressively toward us while they demand our weakness and submission is over.

The proposed “Cordoba House” overlooking the World Trade Center site—where a group of jihadists killed over 3000 Americans and destroyed one of our most famous landmarks – is a test of the timidity, passivity and historic ignorance of American elites. “For example, most of them don’t understand that “Cordoba House” is a deliberately insulting term. It refers to Cordoba, Spain—the capital of Muslim conquerors who symbolized their victory over the Christian Spaniards by transforming a church there into the world’s third-largest mosque complex.

“The timidity, passivity and historic ignorance of American elites.” This, from a college professor, author, and senior fellow at a conservative think tank who was Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. How is he not an elite? I mean, aside from the fact that he’s totally bourgeois. Now, since Newt is Newt, I almost took his word for it on “Cordoba.” But since I am a journalist, I turned to Wikipedia.

It was captured in 711 by a Muslim army. In May 766, it was elected as capital of the independent Muslim emirate of al-Andalus, later a Caliphate itself. In the 10th-11th centuries Cordoba was one of the most advanced cities in the world, as well as a great cultural, political, financial and economic centre.

That’s just sick. It’s not like we’ve ever taken anything that wasn’t ours to begin with. Back to Newt.

Those Islamists and their apologists who argue for “religious toleration” are arrogantly dishonest. They ignore the fact that more than 100 mosques already exist in New York City. Meanwhile, there are no churches or synagogues in all of Saudi Arabia. In fact no Christian or Jew can even enter Mecca. And they lecture us about tolerance.

There aren’t any Catholic churches in all of Saudi Arabia?! There go my Thanksgiving plans in Riyadh. So since there aren’t any churches or temples in Saudi Arabia, we shouldn’t allow Muslims to practice religion in our country, even with its “freedom of religion” bullshit. Apparently we should now take our cues from Saudi Arabia, that mecca of tolerance.

[via Wonkette]

Republicans wanting to be president (meaning all of them) filed fundraising reports with the FEC today so we can all see how much it costs to be the nominee. Guess who’s winning? Mitt Romney, who raised $1.8 million from April to June and $3.5 million this year. Sarah Palin raised $866,000 over the same two months ($1.3 million this year), Tim Pawlenty raised $723,501 (also $1.3 million total), and Mike Huckabee raised $258,000.

Not fair. (Except for Huckabee. He’s just a loser.) Romney’s got the Mormon mafia behind him. Mormons are good at two things—hiding their bibles in hotel room drawers, and fundraising. Newt Gingrich, meanwhile, raised $72,000. No big surprise there. He converted to Catholicism when he got married for like the 15th time. Catholics are good at two things—guilt, and hording our money to purchase indulgences for the forgiveness of sins. (He got a raw deal. April and May are the Lenten period.)

But don’t count Newt Gingrich out just yet. In some kind of shadowy 527 group, he’s got over $3 million. He told the AP that he’s “never been this serious” about a presidential run. Plus he just published a book, “To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular Socialist Machine,” which is just the first in a riveting “To Save America” trilogy about a hefty middle-aged Republican candidate and his sidekick, a brilliant tattoo-covered hacker.

Romney has donated $10,000 of his money to Gov. Perry, his good friend who endorsed Rudy Giuliani in 2007 and, when he dropped out, threw his support to McCain. Bygones.

[via Playbook]