If I learned one thing from the Republican debate last night, it was that John King has completely run out of ideas. Once you ask a presidential candidate whether he likes “spicy” or “mild,” it’s pretty much a one-way ticket to Spitzer-King. You see, CNN introduced a fun new way to get to know the candidates that involved lighthearted “this-or-that” questions! Like “American Idol” or “Dancing With the Stars”? Or “Coke or Pepsi”? This is not insight. I’ll give you insight.

“Anthony Weiner: Hot or Not?”
“Mormonism or some other cult?”
“God or Jesus?”
“Muslims or terrorists? OMG trick question!”
“Gays or transsexuals?”
“The Wire or The Killing?”
“Obamacare or Obamneycare?”
“Orphan babies or deep dish pizza?”
“Ron Paul or Rand Paul?”
“Madonna or Gaga?”
“Newt’s first wife or third wife?”
“Global warming or evolution?”
“Would you press a button for $1 million which would simultaneously cause the death of another human being somewhere in the world or would you just kill the bastard yourself?”

And, courtesy of @HCookAustin, “Circumcised, uncircumcised, or ‘I haven’t seen it since 40 pounds ago’?”

You could also ask “Rick Perry or Jon Huntsman?” but that would be absurd. Romney has cornered the market on the Mormons. Which leaves us with Perry, who told the Texas Tribune today that “people would like to see other options in the race.” Clearly. But “other options” doesn’t mean “you.” If this is the guy Republicans want, have at him. You have no idea.

Poor Mitt Romney. He picked the absolute worst week to officially launch his presidential campaign. Politics 101. You never, ever want to compete with a congressman’s weiner-schnitzel and a former presidential candidate’s wiener-indictment. Yes, Romney announced yesterday outside of the Mormon Tabernacle that he will indeed seek the presidency, preempting that of his evil doppelgänger. If Romney and Rick Perry cross paths on the campaign trail, it will be bad, kind of like if you cross streams with someone else’s proton pack.

Meanwhile in the ongoing case of the bulging boxer briefs, the college student who was sent the disturbing photo is speculating for no apparent reason other than to pose for a New York Post photo shoot that it was meant for porn star Ginger Lee. Although Lee denies ever meeting Anthony Weiner, one of her tweets tells a different story:

Clearly I’m missing the appeal of this guy. He looks like a nerdier version of whoever you think is a nerd. I mean, sure. Maybe it’s a little odd that Ginger Lee runs a website called Touch My Weiner but it seems harmless enough. Just a semi-delusional woman stalking politicians to snap their photos and post on her blog. IS THAT SO WEIRD?

Yesterday President Obama gave a speech about our role in the Middle East which is being criticized by Republican candidates for its assertion that the original borders between Israel and Palestine should serve as the starting point for negotiations and the future Palestinian state. In order to put this in context, keep in mind that conservatives consider Israel to be key in bringing on The Rapture. (If you haven’t heard, The Rapture is supposed to happen tomorrow but in case the soothsayers are wrong, they need to hedge their bets.)

Mitt Romney: “President Obama has thrown Israel under the bus. He has disrespected Israel and undermined its ability to negotiate peace. He has also violated a first principle of American foreign policy, which is to stand firm by your friends.”

I don’t know what Romney’s bitching about. Mormons don’t even believe in The Rapture, although they do believe in the Second Coming, which is, coincidentally, Romney’s 2012 campaign slogan.

Anyway I don’t believe The Rapture is tomorrow, which leaves me time to make amends to all the people I’ve wronged in my life. Actually there’s only one person. Myself. I’ve never fully appreciated myself and all the considerable talents I bring into the world. And for that, I am sorry. I will make it up to me.

Mitt Romney has officially announced his 2012 exploratory committee and I, for one, couldn’t be any more excited. What do you think the brave explorers will find? The coveted Fountain of Youth? The Lost Ark of the Covenant? The elusive Heart of the Ocean?

The Stormin’ Mormon claims in his new video that President Obama’s “policies have failed.”

He and virtually all the people around him have never worked in the real economy. They just don’t know how jobs are created in the private sector. That’s where I spent my entire career.

Oh, Mitt, you have no idea what the “real economy” looks like. The “real economy” consists of powerwashing nannies and hapless disheveled bloggers, drunk flight attendants and orphan baby drug dealers, unemployed twitterers and laid-off journalists, and live kidney donors. Last time I checked, missionary work ain’t the private sector.

Romney’s announcement came on the eve of the fifth anniversary of the Massachusetts health care law that he signed as governor. Now that’s all anyone’s talking about. Brilliant first move.

[Politico]

Really? These are the Republican frontrunners for 2012? Imagine my surprise when I went to Politico this morning and saw these men staring back at me. (Newt might not look like he’s staring straight at you but it was a very Black Swan moment for me.) My God, at first I thought it was a story about Mitt Romney and his Mormon forefathers. Like, peers of Joseph Smith cryogenically frozen to be thawed out in 2011 to help Romney win the Republican nomination and convert the entire human race to Mormonism.

But apparently the old white guy on the left is Harley Barbour and the old white guy on the right is Newt Gingrich, two big names in the 2012 campaign. Other names being floated around include John Thune, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Mitch Daniels, Rick Perry (seriously?), Ron Paul, and Dr. Frasier Crane. There’s also a surprise candidate—Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and a favorite of the tea party. You think I’m kidding. Who here has eaten Godfather’s Pizza before? I’ve never even heard of it, and try to limit my dough and tomato sauce intake to Grotto’s in Rehoboth Beach. (Of course, the questionable mob ties may ultimately sink his bid.)

On his website, Cain states that fellow patriots can “find all of the important information necessary to keep up-to-date with my decision-making process as I continue to determine how God wants me to best serve our great nation.” I can’t believe God determined that the best way for me to serve our great nation is to blog into my 60s.

To all of you who didn’t get a Christmas card this year, Merry Mormon Christmas. Good God, did Mitt Romney adopt the entire Duggar family? This makes my Christmas card featuring me and my neighbor’s cat look just pitiful. But then, I am not running for president any time soon. (I’m still putting my campaign platform together.) The caption on the Romney family photo reads, “Guess which grandchild heard that Papa might run again?” Well, let’s see. The one who’s laughing the hardest? And what’s with “Papa”? That’s not a grandfather name, that’s a smurf name.  

Of course, my father didn’t want to be called Grandpa or Pop because he was worried that people would think the old guy with the toddlers was their grandfather. So he settled on Duke. My nephews and nieces came up with their own name for me: The auntie who yells at us to fill up her wine glass. Precious.

[Politico]

Republicans wanting to be president (meaning all of them) filed fundraising reports with the FEC today so we can all see how much it costs to be the nominee. Guess who’s winning? Mitt Romney, who raised $1.8 million from April to June and $3.5 million this year. Sarah Palin raised $866,000 over the same two months ($1.3 million this year), Tim Pawlenty raised $723,501 (also $1.3 million total), and Mike Huckabee raised $258,000.

Not fair. (Except for Huckabee. He’s just a loser.) Romney’s got the Mormon mafia behind him. Mormons are good at two things—hiding their bibles in hotel room drawers, and fundraising. Newt Gingrich, meanwhile, raised $72,000. No big surprise there. He converted to Catholicism when he got married for like the 15th time. Catholics are good at two things—guilt, and hording our money to purchase indulgences for the forgiveness of sins. (He got a raw deal. April and May are the Lenten period.)

But don’t count Newt Gingrich out just yet. In some kind of shadowy 527 group, he’s got over $3 million. He told the AP that he’s “never been this serious” about a presidential run. Plus he just published a book, “To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular Socialist Machine,” which is just the first in a riveting “To Save America” trilogy about a hefty middle-aged Republican candidate and his sidekick, a brilliant tattoo-covered hacker.

Romney has donated $10,000 of his money to Gov. Perry, his good friend who endorsed Rudy Giuliani in 2007 and, when he dropped out, threw his support to McCain. Bygones.

[via Playbook]

So when I walked into the office this morning, my laptop was missing and my first thought was, WE’VE BEEN ROBBED! And my second thought was, I’VE BEEN FIRED! Luckily, the IT department had it so they could check it for porn. When it was finally returned to me, the first thing I see is Burka’s post, “Is Perry running for president?” And I chuckled to myself thinking it must be from January when we first posed that question which was summarily dismissed and people were able to get on with their lives as if the issue had never been brought up.

And now we’re back right where we started. Like many of you, I thought, how ridiculous! It will never happen! But as long as it sells magazines, who cares! However after reading about Perry’s speech at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans on Friday, I’ll admit it. I’m a little nervous. I mean, Sarah Palin’s out, right? If she can pull in $100,000 for a 45-minute speech, why would she ever want back in? Which leaves us with, what, Tim Pawlenty? Bobby Jindal? Ron Paul? Mitt Romney? Newt Gingrich? No wonder Perry’s thinking, well, why not me? I’m a good looking guy, I can be the guy you want to have a beer with, I can rally the crazies and still look somewhat normal. Yes, he didn’t want his name on the presidential straw poll. That means nothing.

During his speech Perry held up his cellphone and asked the crowd to text FIRED UP to 95613. (Please. I’ve already gone over my text message limit to vote for Derek Hough and whoever his partner is on Dancing With the Stars.) As Burka noted, “You do see what he is doing, don’t you? He is building a national database of names.” That’s almost as chilling as him building an army of cyborgs to propel him to the White House.

Despite the recent CPAC straw poll in which Ron Paul emerged as the Republican victor, Mitt Romney continues to lay the groundwork for a second run at the presidency, kicking off his book tour next week entitled “No Apology: The Case for American Greatness.” You may recall that the former governor of Massachusetts ran for the nomination in 2008 but he looked too much like Tic-Tac-Dough’s Wink Martindale to be taken seriously. And if you don’t remember Tic-Tac-Dough, I think you know where the door is.

Now before he becomes the 2012 frontrunner, let’s be honest. As if the evangelical wing (which is really not a “wing” anymore but more like the “whole bird”) of the Republican party is going to vote for a Mormon. They view Mormonism as a cult, which puts it on par with Lost fans and the macrobiotic diet. Good luck with that, especially for someone who already told the world that Scientology’s Battlefield Earth is his favorite book. Even if they can get past the cult thing, they’re left to grapple with that unfortunate dog incident, when Romney strapped his dog Seamus to the roof of the car on a family vacation.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against Mormons. I’ve stayed at several Marriotts, both classic and Courtyard, flipping through the omnipresent Book of Mormon before my mother screamed DON’T TOUCH THAT. As a child, I looked in wonderment at the beautiful Mormon Tabernacle off the Beltway. I believed it was a castle and announced to my family that one day I would get married there until I realized that women weren’t allowed in. I thought about pulling a Yentl but instead embraced my Catholic origins. But I think it’s too late for Romney.

Yeah. You BETTER run. Before Sarah Palin blows your f*cking head off.

Conservatives4Palin have released an ad, accompanied by the sweet sounds of bazooka music, in response to Mitt Romney’s jab at Sarah Palin on Sunday suggesting that she’s not all that. The former VP made TIME Magazine’s list of “The World’s Most Influential People.” Along with Rush Limbaugh. Would I lie to you? One of the commenters over at C4P said that Rush is “aging like fine wine.” That’s almost enough to make me give up the nectar of the gods.

[via Ben Smith]

Most of my Sundays start out the same. I wake up waiting for someone to bring me coffee in bed and then realize that’s not going to happen so I get up and let out a heavy sigh to express my dissatisfaction at the service around here. I turn on the TV to watch the Stephmonster and then OH MY GOD IS THAT KARL ROVE? Damn, George, you could’ve given us a little notice before seating Mr. Creepy at the roundtable. Mostly I just watched the cat fight between Rove and Katrina van whatshername of The Nation.

I had to suffer through that little exchange after seeing George eat OMB Director Peter Orszag for brunch. Republican Whip (that’s what she said) Eric Cantor came next, apparently to compete against Orszag for the Tiniest Glasses on Earth contest.

Not particularly interested in watching another young Republican rising star burn out, I began flipping through the New York Times. There’s Business, Sunday Styles, the Book Review, the Sunday magazine. OH MY GOD IS THAT NEWT GINGRICH? Doing his best Jack Nicholson?

Speaking of Jack Nicholson (apologies for the weak segue), the Republican party is starting to look like “As Good As It Gets.” While Newt is an extremely smart guy, the fact that Republicans are looking to him to revive their party seems somewhat misguided.

Gingrich finds himself, once again, at the zenith of influence in conservative Washington. It is a fortuitous collision of man and moment. Having ceded the agenda to a Republican president for the past eight years, Republicans now find that they have strikingly little to say that isn’t entirely reactive — or reactionary.

Last week’s CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) left little doubt that this is a party which is looking for a savior in all the wrong places. One of the biggest celebrities was Joe the Plumber (a headline from the Christian Science Monitor actually read, “Is Joe Plumber the new leader of the GOP?”).

Mitt Romney won the “presidential preference” straw poll for the third year in a row. Bobby Jindal was second despite his joke of a response last Tuesday. Sarah Palin and Ron Paul placed third. If I were a Republican seriously interested in winning back the Congress, the White House, or at least a modicum of respect, I’d be looking at MN Gov. Tim Pawlenty or FL Gov. Charlie Crist as potential 2012 candidates.

Guess who gave the CPAC closing address? Rush Limbaugh. What if this is as good as it gets?

If anyone finds a story about Russian-speaking orphan babies wearing patriotic kitten vests while discussing the merits of divorce, please send them along. I am still in convalescence, after all, and my ability to locate said stories is somewhat restricted. So until then, I’ll continue to write about the elections, losing friends and, quite possibly, my job.

I’ve already expressed my chagrin that I’m no longer eligible to vote in Virginia because Virginia is not just for lovers anymore. It’s for fighters. (LOL!) That’s going to be one hell of a race or, as my father would say, “Cripes! That’s one hell of a race!”

I spoke with Bernie earlier today after Mitt Romney dropped out, realizing that this meant he would not be voting for a Republican. He said that although he never particularly liked Romney, he thought it was a shame that he was spurned because of his religion. Please. My father has never trusted anyone who isn’t Catholic. Irish Catholic.

Virginia was once thought to be Obama country. But Hillary’s campaign has slowly been gaining ground, especially in the outer suburbs like Prince William and Loudoun counties, and in the rural southwestern part of the state which has a large percentage of white working-class voters (part of Hillary’s base).

This afternoon, Hillary was scheduled to appear at Washington-Lee High School in Arlington County. Wait a minute. That’s a rival high school to McLean. WHERE DO I SIGN UP FOR THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN?

African Americans could make up 25 percent of the Virginia vote, which is good news for Obama. Hillary, of course, does well among women, except on this blog. Gov. Tim Kaine has endorsed Obama, while it is rumored that Sen. Jim Webb may endorse Hillary.

Whoever Mark Warner endorses, I’ll follow his lead. I’d follow that man to the ends of the earth.

Note to readers: If you’re sick of me writing about Hillary and want to speak your mind about Obama, you can always write a guest post. Anonymity assured. How’s that for democracy?

Since I’m still grounded, I have nothing better to do than watch TV. I suppose I could read but you try reading while taking Benadryl and vodka.

Mitt Romney is speaking right now at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, and it has been confirmed that he is dropping out of the race — oh, my bad. He’s SUSPENDING his campaign. What’s the difference? Well, saying you’re “suspending” is the p*ssy’s way out.

He just announced he’s stepping aside, to the cries and moans of the conservatives in attendance. Some have actually committed… hara-kari. Now that’s not going to help us fight the jihadists! Come on now! Stay strong. If we give up now, the terrorists will win. And by “terrorists,” I mean “Hillary or Obama.”

This morning Mitt Romney spoke at Texas A&M about religion and politics, entitled “Faith in America: Why I Don’t Drink Iced Tea.” The candidate was introduced by former President George Bush, who proclaimed, “Today, we are all Mormons.”

Pundits were comparing Mitt’s speech to JFK’s iconic 1960 speech in Houston concerning his Catholicism, and his strict adherence to the laws of the Vatican, including honoring the sanctity of marriage. (Oh, whatever. If you had a chance to sleep with Marilyn Monroe, you would have totally tapped that.)

After brushing off the comparisons a few days ago, Romney said this today: “Almost 50 years ago another candidate from Massachusetts explained that he was an American running for president, not a Catholic running for president. Like him, I am an American running for president. I do not define my candidacy by my religion. A person should not be elected because of his faith nor should he be rejected because of his faith.”

As a Kennedy, I think I speak for the entire family when I say YOU ARE NOT A KENNEDY.

OK. Let me just say this. I have no problem with Mormons, although I can’t see how anyone can go through life without caffeine. Not one sip of a delicious pumpkin spice latte? No, I have no quarrel with the Mormon people, Marie Osmond’s performance on “Dancing with the Stars” notwithstanding. But the Christian right? That’s another story.

Like any good Republican presidential candidate, however, Mitt Romney continues to reach out to the evangelical wing of his party by saying that Jesus Christ is his “personal savior” and that speaking in tongues is “completely normal.” On Friday, Romney is scheduled to address a group of conservative Christians at the Values Voter Summit in Washington. I will be liveblogging the Values Voter Summit from the bar across the street.

Since one-time Ronald Reagan reincarnate Fred Thompson sleeps until noon, and Rudy Giuliani has been campaigning in a t-shirt that reads “In Case of Rapture, Give Me Your Wife,” Romney has a chance to convince evangelicals that he is the best choice, despite the fact that evangelicals hate Mormons. Now, Mormons for Jesus… that’s different.

According to polls, a significant number of Americans say they’d rather vote for Vladimir Putin than vote for a Mormon. Romney has been cautious when speaking about his faith, choosing instead to talk about the weather.

It couldn’t be any worse than when he said his favorite book is “Battlefield Earth.” Seriously. If voters are concerned about the Mormon faith, a love of Scientology isn’t going to help much.

Who else was glued to CNN’s Political Ticker all weekend, popping Adderall to stay awake and refusing to answer the phone that never rings? This was Iowa Straw Poll, baby – the pre-party to New Hampshire. If you TIVOed the results and don’t want to ruin the surprise that Mitt Romney won, you should stop reading.

Yes, Mitt Romney won the Iowa Republican straw poll over the weekend with 31.5 percent of the vote. (Democrats do not participate in their own straw poll. That was news to me too. I felt so silly wearing my homemade ‘Hillary Wins Straw Poll!’ t-shirt. And matching leggings.)

Mike Huckabee came in second, and Sam Brownback was third. Before you get all “OH MY GOD, what’s happening?! Where’s Giuliani?,” you should realize that neither Giuliani nor McCain chose to spend any money on the straw poll. Giuliani wants to save his money for other primaries, and McCain wanted to eat dinner.

“It is a win,” said political columnist David Yepsen. “But it is somewhat shallow, because [Romney's] big opponents didn’t show up. What does it mean to get in the ring and your opponents don’t even show up?” You’ve got to feel a little bit sorry for featherweight contenders Huckabee and Brownback. Well, no you don’t.

The straw poll results were delayed by more than an hour due to a malfunctioning voting machine. GOP officials were forced to count over 1,500 ballots by hand. And by ‘count,’ I mean ‘shred.’

After finishing sixth in the weekend’s Iowa straw poll, Tommy “The Other” Thompson announced to his reflection in the mirror that he is dropping his bid for the presidency. There wasn’t a dry eye in the bathroom.

I know what you’re thinking. What’s next?! I’ll tell you what’s next. Another debate! Pinch me, I’m dreaming!! The Republican candidates have decided to go ahead with the YouTube debates so we can once again see the buffoonery that is the modern American citizenry.

I have a hard time believing this woman has ever been to the Museum of Modern Art. I have a hard time believing this woman can spell her own name.

Hey look! Obama rhymes with Osama! What a great photo-op! Classy, Mitt. Classy. [TMZ]

Recently, due to John McCain’s meltdown, Mitt Romney has found himself in the awkward and somewhat challenging position of courting Christian conservatives and so-called “value voters.” Especially because he moonlights as Dirk Digler.

Evangelical leaders are slamming Romney because, as a former Marriott hotel board member, he stood idly by while the board installed pay-per-view porn in all hotel rooms, smoking and non-smoking. That is outrageous. Since when did Marriott start charging for porn?

Veteran anti-porniac Phil Burress called the pay-per-view hotel porn scandal (aka ‘PornGate’) “extremely disturbing.” Gary Glenn of the American Family Association said, “This is just part of a broader pattern of concern over Mitt Romney’s record of aggressively promoting abortion on demand, the homosexual agenda and gun control.” Not to mention the sacrifice of an unborn fetus for each immigrant that crosses the border.

While Christian conservative operatives continue to expose Romney as a pay-per-view porn-peddling profiteer, they are mounting a crusade for Fred Thompson, including online communications, blogs, media coverage, public relations and Barbie Doll Child Brides named Jeri. They’re also launching a new video called “I’ve Got a Crush on Fred Thompson” featuring the entire cast of Law & Order, headlined by Sam Waterston.

According to his campaign finance report, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent $300 on makeup. Payments were made to a California company called Hidden Beauty, which provides a beauty team for hair, makeup and men’s grooming services, otherwise known as Queer Eye for the Mormon Guy.

The beauty treatments – two separate charges for $150 each – were listed under “communications consulting.” Romney was said to have asked for “The George Hamilton” prior to the May 3 Republican presidential debate.

“We used them once but booked time twice and still had to render payment for the appointment time,” said Romney spokesman Kevin Madden, still smarting over having to pay for mascara never used.

Stacy Andrews, Romney’s personal beautician, said that her client barely needs makeup. “He’s already tan,” Andrews said. “We basically put a drop of foundation on him and we powdered him a little bit.” (Romney has since sought forgiveness from his wife for being allegedly powdered.)

Back in April, Romney was one of several politicians taking jabs at John Edwards and his $400 haircut. “You know I think John Edwards was right. There are two Americas,” Romney quipped. “There is the America where people pay $400 for a haircut and then there is everybody else.”

And then there’s the America where men spend $300 on foundation.

For many Americans, the Fourth of July brings back memories of childhood — backyard barbecues, fireworks, summer vacation road trips and dog diarrhea running down the back windshield of dad’s old white station wagon.

That last one mostly applies if you happen to be Tagg, Ggat, Agtg, Gagt or Tgag Romney – one of Mitt Romney’s many, many spawn. Apparently, inspired by National Lampoon’s Vacation, on a 1983 road trip, facing an overpacked car and a 12-hour drive from Boston to Ontario, Mitt Romney put his dog Seamus in a car carrier strapped to the roof of his Chevy station wagon, and hit the open road.

Now before you puppy huggers get all riled up, you should know that the 36-year-old Mitt went out of his way to fashion a special windshield just for Seamus. I mean, compared to what some human riders of motorcycles have, Seamus had it easy.

In any case, whether it was the the wind, or the ride, or Canadaphobia, or just the terrible, terrible slop that passes for food in Massachusetts, Seamus got an upset tummy, and spilled his guts, providing something of a racing stripe down the rear window of the station wagon, which Gagt had named “The White Whale.”

While Mitt has drawn criticism for his handling of the situation, I, for one, would like to commend him for his foresight. Because, as someone who has recently completed a 40-hour road trip, I can state with confidence that if that dog had gone in the car, that trip, not to mention the car, would have been wrecked.