I trust you all had a happy Presidents’ Day weekend. My sister and her family were in town and I enjoyed acting even younger than the 6-year-old triplets, like at the IMAX theater’s “Flying Monsters.” We played several games of freeze tag, which is far less challenging than stick in the mud but still teaches children that life is unfair and often those people you’re relying on to unfreeze you will save themselves first and then you’ll just be sitting there, vulnerable and afraid. We also went to SeaWorld and I cannot believe I’ve never been there before. It’s what I imagine heaven will be like. I intend to go every Saturday from now on and, perhaps, become a trainer myself but only for the parrots since I never learned to swim.

But enough about me and my dreams for the future. As you all know, the Michigan primary is heating up which means that Romney could be vulnerable. (There’s a debate tomorrow night and I intend to wear my newly acquired 3D glasses so it’s like I’m really there.) I bet some of you are thinking that Santorum could pull this off and be the eventual nominee but I’m still sticking with Romney. I bet some of you are thinking, but you’re always wrong. Remember 2008? And then I bet you’re thinking, why do I even read this blog anymore? I couldn’t agree more.

Don’t you think that Republicans will realize that Santorum’s even nuttier than Romney? Don’t get me wrong. I’d like Santorum to be the nominee so then I can vote for a real Christian. But the guy is seriously warped. Over the weekend he said that Obama adheres to some “phony” theology, “not a theology based on the Bible. A different theology.” I’m not sure what this means but I’m fairly certain it’s an insult. Like he’s adhering to a theology based on the Book of Mormon. Or Dianetics. Asked about his comments on Face the Nation (yes, that’s apparently still on), Santorum said that he “accepts the fact that the President’s a Christian” but that Obama’s skewed worldview elevates the earth above man, like his pro-environmental policies. “I’m talking about the belief that man should be in charge of the earth and should have dominion over it and should be good stewards of it,” Santorum said.

It’s been a while since I’ve read Genesis but I’m guessing that God didn’t tell Adam and Eve to RUIN HIS CREATION. What Santorum is referring to is something known as “dominionist theology,” which gives Christians a divine mandate to basically control the earth as we see fit. Which for me sounds pretty awesome but for all you non-Christians out there, I’m assuming you will now be our servants. I take my afternoon tea at 4PM sharp.

Editor’s note: No, I still don’t have a laptop but maybe I’ll get one for Ash Wednesday and then atone for my blogging during the entire Lenten season. My new staff friends at Staples have offered to pitch in on a computer for me as long as I promise to never come back.

I agree with Mitt Romney. I’m not terribly concerned about poor people either. Bunch of whiners. I mean, get a job. There are plenty of them out there. For example, yesterday I was at Starbucks and there was only one barista there and a bunch of people waiting and I almost jumped over the counter and said I’LL MAKE MY OWN DAMN LATTE. Come to think of it, I would probably make a pretty good barista, as long as customers didn’t mind me taking the first sip out of their drinks so I could make sure they were just right. And then we’d probably laugh and talk and make fun of poor people who can’t afford a decent cappuccino.

In an interview on CNN, Romney said this:

I’m not concerned about the very poor – we have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it.You can choose where to focus, you can focus on the rich, that’s not my focus. You can focus on the very poor, that’s not my focus. My focus is on middle income Americans, retirees living on Social Security, people who can’t find work.

What’s so bad about that? It’s what we’re all thinking. The poor already have it all! The kids get free breakfasts! They have free healthcare! Sometimes they can even buy food! And who wouldn’t want to live in their car? It’s like camping every night!

So I’m back from Florida where I single-handedly demolished Newt Gingrich’s campaign. Don’t ask me how. You don’t want to know. Suffice it to say, the latest poll shows Romney leading by 20 points. That gives Newt less than 24 hours to turn things around with his BIG FAT GRANDIOSE IDEAS. I was feeling pretty confident that Romney would win until I read this shocking news.

At his first rally of the morning, Newt Gingrich rolled out a new attack line: Mitt Romney took kosher food away from elderly Jewish people.

“He eliminated serving kosher food for elderly Jewish residents under Medicare,” Gingrich said. “I did not know this; it just came out yesterday.”

First, why is Romney trying to take food out of the mouths of the chosen people? Second, does the early bird special even come in kosher? And third, as a Catholic, Newt should know that we don’t believe in kosher food. We believe in fasting and drinking. I’ve never understood what keeping kosher means. Apparently it has something to do with how food is prepared and eaten and blessed and how the animals are slaughtered. Gross.

Apparently as governor Romney rejected $600,000 in additional funding for Jewish nursing home residents to get kosher meals. Brooklyn state Assemblyman and Orthodox Jew Dov Hikind, who supports Gingrich, was outraged. “Well, ‘let them eat pork or let them eat something else’ — if you’re kosher, you’re not eating anything else. It’s just that simple. People who are kosher — it’s not a choice they have.” Oh, please. Being gay isn’t a choice. Being kosher? Choice. When I’m an old woman and wearing purple, I’m not going to bitch about my food. I’m going to bitch about the fact that I’m old.

Only 20 percent of Jews keep kosher anyway. This is the lamest attack I’ve heard yet, just another opportunity for Newt to show Jewish voters how much Romney wants to destroy them and their homeland. Oy vey, Mormons! Ez men est khazer zol rinen ariber der bord. (Yiddish. Look it up. I did.)

Although I’m still forcing myself to watch the Republican debates, I’m becoming less and less interested as the candidates keep disappearing. I find it depressing that there’s always one less podium and we’re supposed to JUST PRETEND that everything’s normal. Like the person never existed. Now I’m not nearly as attentive as I once was. Instead of inviting people over to watch me scream at the TV and blast out misspelled tweets, I sit there alone, looking up occasionally from my crossword puzzle and sighing.

But last night a new word, courtesy of Mitt Romney, caught my attention: Self-deportation. As in, to deport oneself. It’s brilliant. It puts the onus on those illegals to turn themselves in. When asked last night whether the federal government should be in the business of rounding up undocumented immigrants and deporting them, Romney said he instead favors “self-deportation…which is people decide they can do better by going home because they can’t find work here because they don’t have legal documentation to allow them to work here.” He added that if employers crack down on hiring undocumented workers, then immigrants will leave because they can’t find work. In other news 80 percent of Americans just left the country for their ancestral homelands. (My relatives and I will be sharing an apartment above a pub in County Cork, Ireland.)

Actually self-deportation has been tried before. Under the Bush administration, undocumented immigrants were given up to 90 days to leave the country on their own volition which produced all of eight volunteers.

In order to shed some light on who undocumented workers are, Fox News has put together a celebrity slide show. I believe every single one of these criminals should leave the country immediately, especially Salma Hayek, for Fools Rush In alone.

In the interest of self reporting, Romney has finally released his long-awaited tax returns. Over the years 2010 and 2011, he earned $42.5 million and paid $6.2 million in taxes. That is so unfair. Why do we keep punishing the rich? Romney’s holdings include an undisclosed amount of funds based in the Cayman Islands and, at one time, a Swiss bank account. A Swiss bank account? I thought that was the stuff of Lifetime Friday Night Flicks! Romney’s tax returns also showed that he and his wife contributed $7 million in charity over the two years, mostly to the Mormon church. Good God. So that’s what he’s been hiding. I mean, I give to the Catholic church, not with riches but with my soul. I can’t compete with $7 million.

Editor’s note: I’m off to Florida tonight and plan to pick up where Rand Paul left off, fighting for liberty by refusing a full body pat-down even if they don’t request one. I’ve rarely had issues with security checkpoints but then usually I don’t travel with my laptop. When they ask me to take my laptop out of my bag and place it directly on the conveyor belt, I will scream YOU’D LIKE THAT WOULDN’T YOU and then attempt to outrun the security guards and hide in the gift shop behind the Longhorn stuffed animals.

As an ongoing service I provide to you free of charge, I have watched something incredibly painful and time-consuming so you don’t have to. This morning I spent 30 minutes of my life—30 minutes that I can NEVER GET BACK unless I figure out how to reverse the spin of the planet and turn back time—watching the anti-Romney documentary, King of Bain: When Mitt Romney Came to Town. This is the “film” produced by the pro-Gingrich super PAC funded by wealthy casino magnate Sheldon Adelson. A casino magnate instructing us on the evils of capitalism. Aren’t they like the worst of the worst? And why has Gingrich accepted money from a casino magnate? I believe gambling is a mortal sin in the eyes of the Catholic church, along with serial infidelity, multiple marriages and not baptizing your baby. Meaning that Gingrich is a triple threat.

I could have put together a better video with stock photos and my iPhone. The documentary opens with rich men smoking cigars and carrying their money around in briefcases (monocle and hairless cat forthcoming). The producers found regular folks who were laid off after their companies were bought and sold by Bain Capital so clearly these people are not going to like Romney. When I got laid off from drkoop.com (good luck staying alive without a health policy reporter, suckers!) I gleefully participated in an anti-Koop documentary where I wept on camera and accused the former surgeon general of wearing women’s underwear.

Like Newt Effing Gingrich is any different, exploiting innocent people’s tragedies for his own political purposes. If he feels so bad for these people why doesn’t he take the $5 million that’s being spent on his campaign in South Carolina and give it to them to help them reclaim their livelihood? Or better yet, he could tap into his own personal wealth of $7 million. Oh, I forgot. It’s Romney who’s the rich heartless capitalist.

I couldn’t believe it when I walked out of my yoga class last night, looked at my phone and saw that Mitt Romney had already been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary. That’s what I get for putting my spiritual health first. I was hoping for at least a little drama. Instead all I could do was watch the post-primary coverage, switching from CNN to FOX to MSNBC and lamenting the sad state of broadcast news. (It’s ridiculist!) I tuned into Newt Gingrich’s speech hoping to see his head explode but he was uncharacteristically calm. As usual I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Callista. I’m dressing as her for Halloween this year if I can convince my husband to go as Newt.

Now it’s on to South Cackalacky where Rick Perry, bolstered by his strong 0.7% showing in New Hampshire, continues to attack Romney for his “get-rich-quick schemes” running Bain Capital by calling him a “vulture capitalist.” That seems redundant from the perspective of a socialist. OH MY GOD PERRY’S A SOCIALIST. What’s next, Occupy Spartanburg? (Count me in.) Perry is banking on his Southern charm to win over voters in the Palmetto state which is like me saying I’m banking on my girlish charm to jump-start my career.

Perry’s pulling out all the stops—eating grits, wearing his custom cowboy boots, thickening his accent—to prove to South Carolinians that he’s just like them. While strolling down the quaint Main Street in Pickens, Perry turned to Anita and said, “Honey, what does this remind you of?” And she said, “Home.” (If this were a Lifetime movie, this would be where Meredith Baxter, playing the role of Anita, would start smiling through her tears as John Tesh played in the background.) Are you KIDDING me? Poor little Main Street reminds you of your million-dollar mansion at home? Please.

As someone who went to school in North Carolina, I can tell you that all these niceties and manners only serve to mask the real person underneath. I can’t tell you how many times a nice young man would open the door for me, nod his head and invite me to a party later that night only to ignore me when I got there because I was wearing flannel.

I’m guessing Perry comes in fifth.

Is anyone excited about the New Hampshire primary? Mitt Romney’s going to win. (Spoiler.) Apparently everyone’s waiting to see who comes in second—Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman. Who wants to come in second? Have you ever seen the silver medal “winners” at the Olympics? They look like they’re about to kill themselves. And I can’t even begin to imagine how much of a loser you feel like if you come in sixth place. Any state that gives Rick Perry only one percent of the vote DOESN’T DESERVE RICK PERRY. (Incidentally Perry said yesterday that he doesn’t pay more than $25 on haircuts. That’s such bullshit. I pay way more than $25 on my hair and we’ve all seen what I look like.)

Romney’s also leading the pack in South Carolina and Florida. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think that Romney will be the nominee? There’s a good article in Politico today that says that Romney doesn’t have to be the perfect candidate. He just has to be better than all the other yahoos. How hard is that?

Two guys are out camping, when they hear a bear clawing into their tent. The first guy jumps up and starts pulling his shoes on. “Don’t be an idiot,” the second guy says. “You can’t outrun a bear!” “I don’t have to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just have to outrun you.”

I love that joke almost as much as the pope/homeless guy joke. Of course Romney’s lead doesn’t take into account the huge endorsement that Newt Gingrich picked up yesterday. Todd Palin. I would rather be endorsed by Snooki. Todd said he likes Gingrich because he’s not one of those “beltway” types. Oh, Todd. Leave Alaska much?

I spent my weekend watching both Republican debates from New Hampshire. The Sunday morning one was, of course, far too early for me so I recorded it and watched it like three hours later. As I lay on the couch overdosing on Claritin D I also watched Contagion and now refuse to touch anything without my hazmat suit on. (Yes, I have one.) Soon I will be the only person left on earth and cannot wait to go through all your personal belongings.

My insightful drug-induced commentary on the debates is up on the Observer.

Voters were treated to not one but two Republican presidential debates in roughly 10 hours—one on Saturday night, the other on Sunday morning. In both debates, Rick Perry was relegated to the far end of the stage in Siberia territory, traditionally reserved for the likes of Jon Huntsman and Michele Bachmann. That said, Rick Santorum used to be in Perry’s position and now he’s front and center thanks to his strong showing in Iowa. Perry, who entered the presidential race strong, is unlikely to see center stage again.

I felt a little bad about Perry’s positioning. The few times he did speak I could have sworn it was a voice off-stage. You never want to be on the end. That’s where the losers go. I was fortunate enough to always be in the center of our cheerleading formation since I was an 85-pound climber. The medium-sized girls—the ones not small or stupid enough to be climbers and the ones not strong enough to be bases—were always on the end. Sometimes I wonder where they are now.

The big news today is about Mitt Romney saying that he likes firing people. Campaigning in New Hampshire this morning he argued that people should be able to buy their own health insurance. In that context he said, “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. If someone doesn’t give me the good service I need, I’m going to go get somebody else to provide that service to me.” Not that I understand it in that context either but I’m guessing it’s never a good idea to say you like being able to fire people.

Naturally Perry is all over this: “Now I have no doubt that Mitt Romney was worried about pink slips—whether he was going to have enough of them to hand out because his company Bain Capital with all the jobs that they killed, I’m sure he was worried that he’d run out of pink slips.” Perry knows of what he speaks, having laid off roughly one billion teachers in the state of Texas in the past year.

At a campaign stop in Spartanburg, Perry said, looking over at Anita, “I’ve got all the people that love me that I need. Her, Jesus and my family.” STOP SAYING THAT JESUS IS SUPPORTING YOU. YOU’RE REALLY PISSING HIM OFF.

(Ed. Note: You can’t really print out this $10,000 bill and use it at Starbucks. I’ve already tried.)

Much has been made of Mitt Romney’s $10,000 bet at Saturday night’s debate, especially by the DNC. (Yeah, they’re still around.) Did anyone really think he was serious? I’ve made million dollar bets before and no one accused me of being insensitive to the destitute, mostly because the idea of me having $10 in my bank account on any given day is laughable. What was Romney supposed to do? Turn to Rick and say, Care to make this interesting? I’ll bet you your wife that I’m right.

I’d take a $10,000 bet any day. If I’m right, I’m $10,000 richer. If I’m wrong, I just say, LIKE I HAVE TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. But be careful. The last bet I took I ended up married. OMG!

In an attempt to convince people that Perry’s in touch with the middle class, the campaign released an ad which shows a solemn Jake Tapper saying, “Mitt Romney was trying to wager a $10,000 bet…the median income in this country means that ten thousand dollars is roughly three months income.” Then some other guy next to him says, “Not too many caucus-goers here in Iowa would ever place a $10,000 bet even if it was a sure thing.” Wow. The media really nailed this one. Because it was definitely the most important part of the 90-minute debate as opposed to the economy, a Palestinian state, immigration and healthcare.

While Perry bashes The Gays for ruining Christmas, Romney is bashing Gingrich for ruining marriage. I can’t decide which is more horrifying—gay soldiers hanging gay tinsel on their gay Christmas trees or Gingrich getting not one, not two, but THREE women to marry him and, I assume, sleep with him.

The new Romney ad centers around Romney’s 42-year marriage and his lifelong Mormon faith. This is in stark contrast to Gingrich’s first 19-year marriage, his second 19-year marriage and his current 11-year marriage. That’s 49 years total. Now that’s commitment. But given past history in eight years Newt should be back on the market. Make that seven years. He tends to kick off his new marriages with extramarital affairs.

The ad also takes on Gingrich’s church-cheating, from Lutheran to Southern Baptist to Catholicism. At least he’s been consistent. That’s three religions for three wives. As an ambassador of the Catholic church, I want everyone to know that we don’t like being the church of last resort. However as the only Catholic in the race, I feel compelled to pick up my cross and follow Newt.

Ad Dòminum Deum nostrum.

First of all, why is Mitt Romney suddenly riding coach? And second, why is it a story that he wasn’t interested in talking with the passenger seated next to him? I hate being seated next to one of those talkers. TAKE A HINT. I’M PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP. OR DEAD.

When Romney boarded a recent Delta flight to Boston, he had the grave misfortune of being seated next to Carolyn McClanahan of Jacksonville, FL. It sounds awful already. McClanahan, a physician, told Romney that she appreciated his efforts on health care reform as governor. He thanked her and even posed for a photo with her. You’d think that would be enough. But not for McClanahan.

Although Romney had spent the better part of the flight reading USA Today and badgering the flight attendants for more peanuts, McClanahan decided to interrupt him with her innovative ideas on improving the American health care system. Why would Romney want to talk to someone even duller than he is? “He looked at me blankly and said, ‘I understand,’ then put his iPad headphones in and kept reading,” McClanahan said. I believe that’s the universal signal for “shut your yap, woman.” I sometimes put headphones on and they’re not even hooked into anything. Just to get away from the talking.

“I feel he’s out of touch or doesn’t want to be in touch or that he’s afraid to be in touch,” she said. Or that he’s afraid to be touched. Nothing a little attachment therapy and coercive restraining can’t take care of. Hey, McClanahan. You should just be happy you weren’t seated next to Herman “You want a job, right?” Cain.

Editor’s note: Eight years ago when we got married, I told my husband that I had a trust fund. Eight years later and I’m still laughing. But it’s not like I haven’t contributed anything to the relationship. I brought my wit and USAA auto insurance. You’re welcome.

It’s no secret that Perry and Romney don’t like each other. It’s like the fight between the two best looking guys in your high school who are going after the same girl and you’re like, I can’t have two dates to Homecoming!, and they’re like, we’re talking to the cute girl behind you, you little troll. But did you know that the rivalry between Perry and Romney can be traced all the way back to the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics? I know what you’re thinking. They both wanted to sit in the front of the luge. Alas, no. It’s because Romney wouldn’t allow Boy Scouts to be official volunteers during the games.

That’s outrageous. Boy scouts shouldn’t have to volunteer. They should be paid for their valuable time. Time they could have been spending trying to make a fire with a couple of damp twigs in the middle of the forest. Naturally Perry, a former Eagle Scout, counts this as one of Romney’s many character flaws. As he wrote in his book, On My Honor, “Several years have gone by, and neither Mitt Romney nor anyone else who served as an official of the 2002 Winter Olympics has given a clear and logical explanation of why the door to volunteerism was shut on a willing ‘army’ of Boy Scout volunteers.”

Perry goes on to say that at the time Romney based his decision on politics and the controversy of Boy Scouts barring homosexuals from leadership roles. (You also can’t be an atheist, an agnostic, or even slightly cool.) “Whether pressure from gay rights groups caused Olympic organizers to resist volunteer assistance from the scouts, we know that Romney…has parted ways with the scouts on its policies over the involvement of gay individuals in scout activities. He once said…‘I feel that all people should be allowed to participate in the Boy Scouts regardless of their sexual orientation.’ ’’

That’s TERRIBLE. Everyone knows that gay Boy Scouts should be forced to become Girl Scouts, wear the unsightly green uniform, sell thin mints door to door, and be teased mercilessly by their classmates. (Incidentally, Romney used to sit on the Boy Scouts of America board. He’s your brother, dummy.)

Of course, Romney did have a perfectly reasonable explanation. The Boy Scouts couldn’t volunteer because they were under 18 years old, which was the mandatory minimum age to volunteer at the Olympics. Oh really? What about 63-year-old Eagle Scouts running for president? Can they volunteer?

I’ve blogged before about the inherent dangers of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry meeting up with each other due to the fact that they are two sides of the same coin. A doppelgänger almost always represents evil and you must avoid coming into direct contact with your physical double/spiritual nemesis at all costs. This is why I try to stay out of Angelina Jolie’s way.

According to “Intrade,” which sounds kind of like “E*TRADE” but for even bigger suckers, Perry and Romney are practically on top of each other. Perry’s numbers have overtaken Mitt Romney’s and he is “now considered the most likely person to win the Republican presidential contest.” The guy hasn’t even ANNOUNCED yet. And he’s no Fred Thompson (the 2008 version of HE’S TOTALLY GOING TO SAVE US). Maybe Perry’s better looking but Thompson’s wife was hot.

Apparently my governor and yours has a 35 percent chance of claiming the nomination compared to Romney’s 29 percent. Bachmann’s in third with only 9 percent amidst questions of her migraines and why she just had a fainting couch installed in her congressional office. However if you look at the average of the most recent polls of Republican voters, Romney’s in the lead with 22 percent, Bachmann and Palin are tied at 13 percent, Perry’s at 12 percent, and Giuliani’s at 11 percent. Gingrich and Pawlenty are at .001 and .002, respectively.

Meanwhile CNN is reporting that Perry is unlikely to form an exploratory committee before he announces. According to adviser Dave Carney, “Rick Perry is not a half-in kind of person on anything, ever. If he decides to move forward he’ll be all in. If he is out, he’ll be out just as quickly. But we have not made any hard decisions yet.”

Do I have to say, That’s what she said? Fine. That’s what she said.

When I heard about today’s poll showing that 9 percent of likely Texas Republican voters would support Perry if he runs for president, I was floored. Nine percent’s pretty impressive given that the governor hasn’t done anything for this state other than thin out the rabid coyote population. Seriously, who are these people? I kid. I know who these people are. They’re the ones who look down on me when I’m driving around town in my 2003 Honda or when I’m hording the free Gouda samples at Central Market. We can’t all live in Tarrytown, assholes. (Tarrytown, call me.)

Romney is favored by 16 percent of the Texas R voters while Palin’s at 14 percent. Even Ron Paul got 10 percent and he’s nuttier than a real nutty guy. Weiner’s polling at 9.5 percent, which is why Perry has switched to briefs and learned how to work the camera on his Blackberry. But the Texas Lyceum poll also found that most Texans approve of Perry’s job performance. Clearly no women, gays, legal immigrants, college graduates, or kindergartners were included in the survey. Meanwhile Obama’s overall job approval rating has gone up, which confirms my suspicions that Texas is actually a blue state, thanks to Andy Brown.

Nine percent? Who would launch a presidential campaign based on nine percent? As in, I think I can eventually convince the other 91 percent to get on board. Haven’t Texas Republican voters like myself suffered enough?

[AAS]

If I learned one thing from the Republican debate last night, it was that John King has completely run out of ideas. Once you ask a presidential candidate whether he likes “spicy” or “mild,” it’s pretty much a one-way ticket to Spitzer-King. You see, CNN introduced a fun new way to get to know the candidates that involved lighthearted “this-or-that” questions! Like “American Idol” or “Dancing With the Stars”? Or “Coke or Pepsi”? This is not insight. I’ll give you insight.

“Anthony Weiner: Hot or Not?”
“Mormonism or some other cult?”
“God or Jesus?”
“Muslims or terrorists? OMG trick question!”
“Gays or transsexuals?”
“The Wire or The Killing?”
“Obamacare or Obamneycare?”
“Orphan babies or deep dish pizza?”
“Ron Paul or Rand Paul?”
“Madonna or Gaga?”
“Newt’s first wife or third wife?”
“Global warming or evolution?”
“Would you press a button for $1 million which would simultaneously cause the death of another human being somewhere in the world or would you just kill the bastard yourself?”

And, courtesy of @HCookAustin, “Circumcised, uncircumcised, or ‘I haven’t seen it since 40 pounds ago’?”

You could also ask “Rick Perry or Jon Huntsman?” but that would be absurd. Romney has cornered the market on the Mormons. Which leaves us with Perry, who told the Texas Tribune today that “people would like to see other options in the race.” Clearly. But “other options” doesn’t mean “you.” If this is the guy Republicans want, have at him. You have no idea.

Poor Mitt Romney. He picked the absolute worst week to officially launch his presidential campaign. Politics 101. You never, ever want to compete with a congressman’s weiner-schnitzel and a former presidential candidate’s wiener-indictment. Yes, Romney announced yesterday outside of the Mormon Tabernacle that he will indeed seek the presidency, preempting that of his evil doppelgänger. If Romney and Rick Perry cross paths on the campaign trail, it will be bad, kind of like if you cross streams with someone else’s proton pack.

Meanwhile in the ongoing case of the bulging boxer briefs, the college student who was sent the disturbing photo is speculating for no apparent reason other than to pose for a New York Post photo shoot that it was meant for porn star Ginger Lee. Although Lee denies ever meeting Anthony Weiner, one of her tweets tells a different story:

Clearly I’m missing the appeal of this guy. He looks like a nerdier version of whoever you think is a nerd. I mean, sure. Maybe it’s a little odd that Ginger Lee runs a website called Touch My Weiner but it seems harmless enough. Just a semi-delusional woman stalking politicians to snap their photos and post on her blog. IS THAT SO WEIRD?

Yesterday President Obama gave a speech about our role in the Middle East which is being criticized by Republican candidates for its assertion that the original borders between Israel and Palestine should serve as the starting point for negotiations and the future Palestinian state. In order to put this in context, keep in mind that conservatives consider Israel to be key in bringing on The Rapture. (If you haven’t heard, The Rapture is supposed to happen tomorrow but in case the soothsayers are wrong, they need to hedge their bets.)

Mitt Romney: “President Obama has thrown Israel under the bus. He has disrespected Israel and undermined its ability to negotiate peace. He has also violated a first principle of American foreign policy, which is to stand firm by your friends.”

I don’t know what Romney’s bitching about. Mormons don’t even believe in The Rapture, although they do believe in the Second Coming, which is, coincidentally, Romney’s 2012 campaign slogan.

Anyway I don’t believe The Rapture is tomorrow, which leaves me time to make amends to all the people I’ve wronged in my life. Actually there’s only one person. Myself. I’ve never fully appreciated myself and all the considerable talents I bring into the world. And for that, I am sorry. I will make it up to me.

Mitt Romney has officially announced his 2012 exploratory committee and I, for one, couldn’t be any more excited. What do you think the brave explorers will find? The coveted Fountain of Youth? The Lost Ark of the Covenant? The elusive Heart of the Ocean?

The Stormin’ Mormon claims in his new video that President Obama’s “policies have failed.”

He and virtually all the people around him have never worked in the real economy. They just don’t know how jobs are created in the private sector. That’s where I spent my entire career.

Oh, Mitt, you have no idea what the “real economy” looks like. The “real economy” consists of powerwashing nannies and hapless disheveled bloggers, drunk flight attendants and orphan baby drug dealers, unemployed twitterers and laid-off journalists, and live kidney donors. Last time I checked, missionary work ain’t the private sector.

Romney’s announcement came on the eve of the fifth anniversary of the Massachusetts health care law that he signed as governor. Now that’s all anyone’s talking about. Brilliant first move.

[Politico]

Really? These are the Republican frontrunners for 2012? Imagine my surprise when I went to Politico this morning and saw these men staring back at me. (Newt might not look like he’s staring straight at you but it was a very Black Swan moment for me.) My God, at first I thought it was a story about Mitt Romney and his Mormon forefathers. Like, peers of Joseph Smith cryogenically frozen to be thawed out in 2011 to help Romney win the Republican nomination and convert the entire human race to Mormonism.

But apparently the old white guy on the left is Harley Barbour and the old white guy on the right is Newt Gingrich, two big names in the 2012 campaign. Other names being floated around include John Thune, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Mitch Daniels, Rick Perry (seriously?), Ron Paul, and Dr. Frasier Crane. There’s also a surprise candidate—Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza and a favorite of the tea party. You think I’m kidding. Who here has eaten Godfather’s Pizza before? I’ve never even heard of it, and try to limit my dough and tomato sauce intake to Grotto’s in Rehoboth Beach. (Of course, the questionable mob ties may ultimately sink his bid.)

On his website, Cain states that fellow patriots can “find all of the important information necessary to keep up-to-date with my decision-making process as I continue to determine how God wants me to best serve our great nation.” I can’t believe God determined that the best way for me to serve our great nation is to blog into my 60s.

To all of you who didn’t get a Christmas card this year, Merry Mormon Christmas. Good God, did Mitt Romney adopt the entire Duggar family? This makes my Christmas card featuring me and my neighbor’s cat look just pitiful. But then, I am not running for president any time soon. (I’m still putting my campaign platform together.) The caption on the Romney family photo reads, “Guess which grandchild heard that Papa might run again?” Well, let’s see. The one who’s laughing the hardest? And what’s with “Papa”? That’s not a grandfather name, that’s a smurf name.  

Of course, my father didn’t want to be called Grandpa or Pop because he was worried that people would think the old guy with the toddlers was their grandfather. So he settled on Duke. My nephews and nieces came up with their own name for me: The auntie who yells at us to fill up her wine glass. Precious.

[Politico]