I hope you’re sitting down. Or, at the very least, squatting. Kay Bailey Hutchison has announced that she will stay in the Senate, breaking her promise that she would resign. Now I know that you’re as surprised as I am that a politician would break their promise. When I heard this, I screamed, IS THERE ANYONE LEFT TO TRUST? And then, WHERE IS MY MID-MORNING SCONE, INTERN?

Kay will serve out the remainder of her third term which expires in 2012. She was joined at her press conference Wednesday in San Antonio by John Cornyn and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “I think everyone has known that I have intended to leave the Senate,” Hutchison said. “I also will say something has happened in our country that no one could have anticipated.” She’s right. How could anyone have anticipated that President Obama would push his health care reform bill through Congress? What am I, clairvoyant?

Hutchison added that the “stakes in the Capitol have never been higher.” So obviously they need a lame duck senator who contributes absolutely nothing of value. I mean, what does she do, exactly? Besides being another warm body. And I’m not even sure about that one.

[Politico]

I arrived at my precinct this morning as confused and desperate as I was the night before, agonizing over what would prove to be the toughest decision of my life. Which primary should I vote in? Do I stick with the Democrats? Or do I go all Rambo and cross over to the Republican primary in the hopes of forcing a runoff? Sitting in my car, I closed my eyes and asked for a sign from the universe and was, as usual, completely ignored. Taking a deep breath, I walked into Maplewood Elementary and asked one of the 100-year-old precinct workers what I should do but unfortunately he was sleeping. Or at least I hope he was asleep.

NOTE TO TRAVIS COUNTY DEMOCRATS: The party is urging you to vote in the Democratic primary, especially considering the importance of down-ballot races. This makes a lot of sense. So you probably shouldn’t be like me and vote in… the Republican primary.

Yes, for the first time ever, I voted as a Republican solely because of the gubernatorial race. Maybe this was the wrong choice, as I have made several over the course of my lifetime. But I already know that Bill White will be the nominee. And the governor’s race is the one closest to my heart, which feels like it’s breaking a little bit after seeing “Republican” stamped on my voting card. If Rick Perry ends up getting enough votes to win the primary, I will no doubt be stripped of my Texas Democrat credentials, which get you into the occasional Scholz’s happy hour. But if there’s a runoff between the three, perhaps my strategy worked and I will be celebrated for years to come.

NOTE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN’T VOTED: You should probably respect your party elders and not follow the example of a hapless blogger who makes decisions based on whether she makes the light or not. It was still yellow! Now I know I should go drink instead of working out! Only you can make this decision. Only you can totally screw this up. Good luck.

I’ve returned from Miami after a harrowing midnight flight from Houston to Austin. It was a very bumpy ride and we were cheerily told more than once to “give an extra little tug” on our seat belts, at which point I started screaming MAYDAY MAYDAY WE’RE GOING DOWN. When we landed with a loud thud, the flight attendant told us not to be alarmed at the emergency vehicles escorting us to the gate and that we had a mechanical problem with our rudder. It wasn’t until I googled “airplane rudder” that I realized I was lucky to escape with my life. Barely.

And the only thing I could think about in those few minutes when I wasn’t sure if we would make it or not was that I never got to finish Game Change. How did it all end? Yes, I broke down and bought Mark Halperin’s extended TMZ feature on his exclusive (read: fabricated) behind-the-scenes look at the 2008 election in which everyone could remember exactly what was said from years before, which is why most comments were in quotes. Seriously? I can’t remember what I said this morning never mind a year ago. I was so embarrassed that I was reading it that I hid it inside Andrew Young’s much more respected The Politician.

When I woke up this morning I realized it’s March 1, which means tomorrow is March 2, which means I need to go vote in the primaries, which means I need to find my driver’s license. I am very confused since I’m not sure if I’m supposed to vote in the Republican primary or the Democratic primary. Apparently the Texas Democratic leadership wants me to cross over and vote for Kay:

We realize that our statewide ticket is very weak, with one exception–Bill White, of course. Don’t waste your vote in the Democratic primary. The best way to help our party and our future nominee for governor is to vote in the REPUBLICAN primary for Kay Bailey Hutchison. The result we seek is for Hutchison to force Rick Perry into a runoff. At the very least, this will embarrass Perry; at the most, it could lead to his defeat.

(This memo could not be verified but it’s still funny.)

If I do this, what are the ethical implications? Am I pretending to be something I’m not? Or, is the line about “our statewide ticket is very weak” just pathetic enough to make me do it? And what of Bill White? Does he really have what it takes to win the nomination against a candidate who has made frizzy-haired women everywhere somewhat attractive again?

There’s a story in WashPost today about White and his chances against beating Perry in the general election. Chris Cillizza lays out White’s case–how Perry’s rush to the right during the primary will alienate independents and moderate Republicans; that White’s got plenty of money; and the fact that Perry only won with 39% last time.

I went to the Austin Chronicle to see what’s on the ballot but was sidetracked by the banner showing that Hall & Oates are coming to Austin March 27. Are you KIDDING me?! That’s like the soundtrack of my formative years. The haunting ballads of “Sara Smile” and “She’s Gone.” The scandalous “Adult Education.” And who could forget perennial favorites “Private Eyes” and “Kiss On My List”?

But I digress. Apparently I’m also supposed to vote for an Ag Commissioner and a Land Commissioner, as well as judges and SBOE members. The only thing I know about some of these down-ballot candidates is that their blockwalkers have dropped off way too many flyers at my house and my recycling bin is now at full capacity. They even tried to get me to stick a Bill White sign in my front yard, to which I responded, back off. I’m a respected journalist.

Oh. My. God. You know how people like to tell you that anything’s possible? Like, you may be single now but anything’s possible! And you know they’re just screwing with you because you haven’t had a date since Bill Clinton was president and you know you’re going to end up being one of those hoarders on A&E. “Anything’s possible” is what happy people say to loser people to make them feel like maybe, someday, things will miraculously turn around and change that life of suck they’ve been living.

Well, I’m here to tell you, anything’s possible. For real. How else do you explain Debra Medina’s surge in the polls? Public Policy Polling has her in third place behind Kay but only by four points–Hutchison’s at 28% and Medina’s at 24%. Governor Perry is still the frontrunner with 39 percent. How’s that hopey-changey stuff working out for ya? So it seems almost inevitable that she’ll force a primary runoff. She could even be one of the two candidates in that runoff.

You just might meet Mr. Right after all.

[via KUT]

Today we have yet another example of how real life is simply a cruel extension of the high school caste system. The Statesman is running a profile on Bill White, the ill-fated Democratic gubernatorial candidate in a Republican year, entitled “White comes by his geek credentials honestly.” (A related story is called “Far from slick, White sticks to getting things done.”)

A few excerpts:

In high school, White became a champion debater, winning the national American Legion Oratorical Contest. Socially, White was “a little geeky” but didn’t “have any problem getting along with people,” said family friend John Bell. White’s debate partner Scott Bage remembers White’s “great sense of humor” and many evenings at the White home spent playing pingpong.

Oh, sure. They ALWAYS have a great sense of humor. Now are we going to talk about how he saved up all this money mowing lawns and blew it on a girl who spilled wine on her mother’s white suede outfit and paid her to go out with him? Awesome.

There is not an ounce of movie star in Bill White, not in the name or in his stage presence. He is a wonkish guy with big ears and baggy clothes who looks subdued even when he’s in enthusiastic mode… His speech includes words that seem to get stuck in his mouth, and he sometimes pauses for an awkward amount of time when asked questions in public.

I mean, could this guy sound like any more of a loser? Of course, it’s not just the Statesman. Texas Monthly is just as much to blame in our December story about him. (Not that I had any input. Whenever I ask if I can help edit, they look at me with a sneer and say, Oh, go run back to your Web site, Web editor.) Here’s TM:

Democrats haven’t won a statewide race since 1994, so why does this middle-aged guy with a bald head and big ears think he’s the fresh face of the party?

Again with the ears! This guy can’t catch a break.

White has distinctive looks that were once thought a political liability: a bald pate with a fringe of reddish hair and features—notably his ears—that are perhaps a size too large for the superstructure.

OK. Really? How bad could his ears be?

Chron: All ears on the 2010 governor’s race: White’s interview also touched on Houston’s growth, Hurricane Katrina evacuees and even the size of the mayor’s ears. They’re “big,” he offered.

HE DOES NOT HAVE “BIG” EARS. HE IS “LOBE-CHALLENGED.” What, so Perry, Kay, and Medina are all so good-looking that there’s nothing in their appearance to poke fun at? To add insult to injury, a new Rasmussen poll shows that any of the Republican candidates would beat White in the general election. Well you know what they say. Ear today, gone tomorrow. OMG!

Now that I’m at the end of my cold (yes, you do too care you just haven’t been asking), my incessant nose-blowing has given way to that irritating little clearing of the throat that some people do right before they have something very important to announce. Or they think they have something very important to announce but it’s really of no consequence and they’re just wasting everyone’s time. Hold on while I clear my throat.

While sucking on conversation hearts because I hate throat lozenges and checking my Twitter feed, I ran across the new Rasmussen poll that shows Perry leading Hutchison 44% to 29%, with Medina at 16%. Holy Mahoney! Is it too early to call this one? Medina has gained ground at the expense of Hutchison, who has lost four points since the last poll. Is there a way for Kay to come back? Do you believe in miracles? Neither do I. I stopped believing in miracles last year, when I realized that I was never going to reach 5’6″, despite two decades of wishing. So if I suddenly grow a couple inches, I’ll put my money on Kay.

Perry leads Hutchison by 18 points among conservative primary voters and Hutchison leads by 11 among moderate voters. In order for Kay to win the primary, she would need more than half of the primary voters to be moderate. OH MY GOD GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

2/2/10
4:39PM
I’m calling it for Perry.

Perry: 42
Hutchison: 30
Medina: 17

Did I watch the Republican primary debate on Friday night? Yes. Did I enjoy it? No. The entire time I just sat there on my couch shaking my head and thinking, I should really be out on the town, but then anyone who uses the expression “out on the town” is probably too old to go out. So instead I stay in and do grown-up things like watch political debates, manage my finances, flip through More magazine, and drunk dial my relatives.

This debate was slightly more interesting than the last debate, mostly because of Wayne Slater. He was on fire. You know how when there’s a big storm coming, the meteorologist on the local news gets so excited he can hardly stand it? As if this is what he’s been training for his entire life? That was Wayne. He looked like he was about to jump out of his seat. It was mesmerizing.

Little did I know that Burka was liveblogging it. When I found out, I immediately called him and said, BUT WE PROMISED WE WOULDN’T DO ANY LIVEBLOGGING. I heard him typing away in the background and I kept yelling, STOP TYPING! STOP TYPING! Infuriated, I hung up the phone and thought of ways to sabotage his blog. That’s why I missed most of what happened during the debate. But when I read Burka’s post later, I saw that Perry won, which I suppose is not terribly surprising given that the other two are women.

The best part was when, during a speed round for dorks, Hutchison was asked who the first governor of Texas was. What kind of question is that? And has anyone really heard of  J. Pinckney Henderson? Hutchison mumbled “Burleson,” apparently a name of some fictional character who was the first governor of The Land of Make Believe. But seriously? I can guarantee that neither Perry nor Medina would’ve known that one. In fact, Medina never even recognized the Office of the Governor as executive of the state before she decided to run for it.

If you missed the Republican gubernatorial debate last night, I can pretty much assure you that whatever you were doing at the time was more interesting than watching the debate. (That said, I really don’t want to know what other “interesting thing” you were doing.) I was liveblogging it, a media platform that is so antiquated that I might as well have been faxing in my updates. I decided I should follow through since I had lugged my laptop all the way home, making sure my colleagues could see me as I yelled, Liveblogging the debate from home tonight! Still on the clock! Still completely underappreciated!

As you’ve no doubt read on Burka’s blog this morning—don’t even bother lying to me, I know you check his before you come here—it’s hard to say who the winner of the debate was. Perry came off as cocky and smirky and spent the hour attacking Kay, which can backfire if you’re a male candidate beating up on a female candidate, as evidenced by the Rick Lazio-Hillary Clinton NY Senate debate. Still I wanted Kay to man up but she looked and acted too much like a kindly grandmother who was about to make you some questionable Chicken a la King. (Oh, wait. That was my grandmother.) And, let’s just go ahead and say it, both Perry and Kay have so many lines on their faces I bet I could tell their fortunes just by looking at them.

Debra Medina was, obviously, the token crazy person who says outlandish things like how she wants to shoot up the produce section of her local grocery store and how she’s the only one in history who’s ever bothered to read the Constitution. She was kind of like the female version of Mike Gravel except even more marginalized.

But if I were forced to pick a winner, like if I was about to be tortured by someone threatening to take away my cheddar goldfish, I’d have to say KERA, the network sponsor which refused to let Burka sit on the panel and ask actual real questions. They win because they adhered to the alleged high journalistic standards of public media. And, in so doing, presented one of the lamest gubernatorial debates ever.

I’m ready for the Republican gubernatorial debate. Bottle of St. Francis Red? Check. Delicious Asiago cheese straws? Check. A friend coming over under the mistaken belief that we are liveblogging Grey’s Anatomy? Check.

Liveblogging to commence shortly. Refresh as necessary.

WHY ISN’T BURKA AT THAT DEBATE?

7:05. First question to Rick Perry on secession. “The program that I love the most that the federal government is involved with… is our American military forces.” Lame. And he just threw in his joke about how the federal government should just deliver the mail. I’m continually amazed at how much he is morphing into George W. Bush.

7:06. Perry just got his first dig in at Kay, saying “the senator needs to go back to Washington.”

Question to Kay on her favorite federal program. The Military. Copy much? She says she’s fighting against the health care bill and government intrusion.

7:08. Kay gets her first dig in at Rick where it hurts: on transportation.

Wouldn’t it be funny if they just ignored Debra Medina the entire time? By the way, Kay looks tired. And old. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

7:11. Medina just thanked everyone in Texas for allowing her to participate in the debate. For the record, I had nothing to do with it. Medina thinks all the government should do is write treaties. She’s crazier than Perry.

7:13. Oh my god! They’re going all social media on us and taking questions from Facebook! Go publicly supported media! Medina’s still talking and, someone’s got to say it, she’s like an unattractive Sarah Palin.

Perry’s talking about how great the Texas economy is and how he was up in Frisco when a man came up to him, said he was unemployed and there’s nowhere else in the country he’d want to be unemployed in. Obviously he didn’t hear that we rejected the unemployment stimulus funds. Oops! Now Perry’s yelling at the panelists on new job numbers. He’s all hunched over and acting crazy.

7:18. Now Kay’s talking in a very soft and gentle tone. Soft and gentle doesn’t win the race. Medina’s talking. Bathroom break. And by “bathroom break,” I mean “refill.” Perry’s interjecting himself. He just got a few laughs. I’m not sure why. Seriously, why is he all hunched over?

OH NO WAY. The abortion question just came up for Kay. I can’t wait for Perry to jump in and talk about the Choose Life license plates. The moderator isn’t letting her go. She keeps pressing her on Roe v. Wade. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why not ask Perry about how he’s covering up the death of an innocent man?

7:24. Medina’s talking about Columbine, 9/11, VA Tech and Fort Hood and gun ownership. No really. She is the bizarro Sarah Palin. She also wants to avoid tyranny. Yeah. She’s normal. She even said she doesn’t take her gun into grocery stores! Although she’d like to!

7:27. Perry grew up on a farm. He is master of his eminent domain.

Now the candidates get to ask each other questions. Perry says that Kay’s had “issues with consistency” and mentions Roe v. Wade. And the bailout. He asks her to address all of these bailouts. She’s starting by saying she did so to support President Bush. Because she loves him. And she doesn’t care who knows it. Just accused Perry of being “disingenuous.” I’d like to hear a “cocksucker” in there somewhere.

Oh that LAUGH. Perry’s LAUGH is killing me.

7:33. Medina says that we need leadership. She’s boring me.

7:36. Kay’s asking Medina about property taxes–she’s totally trying to generate some girl power against Perry. Tag team! That’s what she said! Anything to make this debate more interesting.

7:37. Question from an audience member. She’s reading it. It’s like 5 pages long. Get her out of here. It’s something about advance directives. I wish I’d signed one. Medina’s talking and who else can’t hear her name without singing “Funky Cold Medina” by Tone Loc?

7:40. Medina’s asking Kay about the Constitution. I’m beginning to think she’s an actual forefather. This debate is basically “WHO HATES THE GOVERNMENT THE MOSTEST??”

7:42. Kay’s asking Rick about business taxes. Rick says that he knows the truth is hard to recognize when you’ve been in Washington for 16 years. That’s so funny. And original.

Oh no. Kay just tried to make a funny. “Governor, there you go again…” It’s not easy being funny. Especially if you’re wearing pearls.

7:45. Perry asked Kay if she’s going to resign from the Senate. Oh, DAMN. Except he was supposed to be asking Medina a question. It’s easy to forget she’s there.

7:47. We’re talking about the budget. I think I just nodded off. Kay says she knows how to balance a budget. Mentions that the governor decided to take stimulus money. Wait. WHAT? That phony. And who’s that old guy that keeps barking out questions?

7:50. Perry has executive experience under his belt. I can’t believe anyone really wants this job.

7:52. Question on illegal immigration to Kay. They’ve each got 30 seconds. Perry just accused Kay of “voting for sanctuary cities.” She says that’s absolutely not true. They’re both such liars I don’t know who to believe. Debra says she wants to shoot Hispanics on sight.

Closing statements. Medina channels Robert Frost. And the constitution. Article I. Texas must defend her sovereignty. Medina is batshit crazy. Perry is grateful for the opportunity and then of course mentions the military defending our freedom. Including that heroine at Fort Hood. Who actually didn’t save the day, that was her male partner. Bygones. Kay says Texas is the best place in America but she doesn’t think Perry has prepared our state for the future. And she’ll change that as governor.

Seriously. Is this the best we’ve got? Over and out.

The most disconcerting thing about last night’s rally for Kay Bailey Hutchison, featuring Dick Cheney, was not that she was two hours late because she clearly loves Washington more than she loves us. It was that the crowd apparently wants Cheney to run in 2012. Now that’s what I call a race. I mean, somebody pinch me already! How old is he going to be in 2012? Like ONE HUNDRED?! and TEN?! Due to Kay’s tardiness, Cheney was responsible for “warming up the crowd.” How does someone like Dick Cheney warm up a crowd? With a few jokes?

“Obama’s so dumb—”
“How dumb is he??”
“He’s so dumb that he wouldn’t know a weapon of mass destruction if it hit him in the ass. And it’s going to! Because he’s going to blow us all into next week! Because he hangs out with terrorists! HA HA HA HA.”

When Kay finally got there, to the relief of her supporters who had grown tired of Cheney’s Colonel Klink impersonations, the former VP touted her conservative credentials. “We Westerners know the difference between a real talker and the real deal,” Cheney said. “And when it comes to being conservative, Kay Bailey Hutchison is the real deal.” But will Cheney’s star power really make a difference? Time to call in the big guns, like Jon Voight and Wilford Brimley.

You remember musical chairs. It was often played at kids birthday parties, in between pin the tail on the donkey and speed quarters. You set up a bunch of chairs but one less than the number of people playing. You walk around the chairs while music plays and when the music stops, everyone grabs a seat. But there’s always someone left standing, which is incredibly unfair since that someone is MUCH SMALLER than the other kids and little does she know that her knees will never grow to full size.

Then there’s that kid who totally cheats by kind of standing around his chair, guarding it, and sitting his ass down a little before the music stops. That kid is Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, who announced on Friday that she will keep her Senate seat through the March primary. As first reported by Jay Root of the AP, Hutchison planned to tell a group of Republican women (where do you find them, conservative cougar bars?) in Galveston over the weekend that there are too many important issues, including the mass grandmother killings, for her to leave this year. Obviously this could mean a couple things–she truly believes that she is needed in the Senate to fight for Texas, or she’s as frightened as a little girl playing Red Rover, because last time she dislocated her shoulder.

Hutchison also claims that she will vacate her seat even if she loses the primary. Whatever. She’s way too competitive to allow John Cornyn to become the senior senator. But if she does retire, this would allow Perry to appoint a replacement, perhaps a current member of the Forensic Science Commission. “We appreciate that Sen. Hutchison has taken the governor’s advice and finally decided to make a decision to stay in Washington,” Perry spokesman Mark Miner said. “Hopefully this will allow her to be a full-time senator for the people of Texas.” That’s just dripping with The Smarm.

Anyway, these are the choices? Rick and Kay? (Don’t tell me we could have a Democratic governor, I’ve fallen for that one before.) I need a hero. In fact, I’m holding out for a hero.

I thought I felt the political landscape around me shifting, the ground beneath my feet moving as in an earthquake, forcing me to barricade myself in our windowless bathroom and locking my co-workers outside because I have minor claustrophobia, and if someone has to go down, it should be them. I’m too young. Turns out it wasn’t a natural disaster at all. It’s a man-made disaster. Dick is coming to Texas.

The Hutchison folks have proudly announced that Dick Cheney will be in Texas to campaign for Kay and appear at a fundraiser in Houston later this month. According to spokeswoman Jennifer Baker, “People who worked with the senator on conservative issues over the years know she will be a great leader for Texas.” If I were Kay, I’d leave the conservative ass-kissing to Perry and start wooing independents. (I’d also change my hairstyle.) As we saw on Tuesday, they’re leaning Republican in state elections. Not that she’ll do this, given that whoever’s running her joke of a campaign (Karl Rove? Seriously?) is giving her bad advice. Probably a mole from the Perry camp.

Perry spokesman Mark Miner dismissed the Cheney Effect, saying, “The Washington establishment usually sticks together.” Just so no one forgets that NO ONE HATES WASHINGTON MORE THAN RICK PERRY. If you read yesterday’s post, you’ll notice that I compared Cheney to Colonel Klink. I have since decided that this is not fair. To Klink. OMG! LOL! Someone make me a Hogan’s Hero!

I know what you’re thinking. Does Eileen have any other job responsibilities outside of blogging? Well yes. Yes I do. Here’s one of them. Enjoy.

So much happened yesterday in and around the field of health care that I’m not exactly sure where to begin, except to say that I can’t believe there’s still no cure for the common cold. I mean, really? You can give men 18-hour erections and cure their urinary incontinence so as not to screw up their golf games but you can’t unclog my sinuses? And you call yourself doctors.

Speaking of doctors, Rick Perry picked up a sweet endorsement Monday from the Texas Medical Association, which represents doctors afraid of frivolous lawsuits that would never actually happen but gives them cover to bitch about lawyers instead of helping the sick. Apparently the folks at TMA hated Perry for vetoing a bill years ago concerning medical reimbursement and were pissed enough to endorse Democrat Tony Sanchez. Luckily time heals all wounds. (Bad medical pun fully intended.)

Following TMA’s announcement, the Hutchison campaign unveiled its “Physicians for Kay” coalition, made up of doctors who skipped one too many TMA meetings. Come on. This is like if I was running for governor and Perry got the TMA endorsement and I went on a speaking tour with my dad, a retired radiologist, just to show that someone in the medical community likes me. Even then, I’m not sure that I’d have his vote.

Emboldened by his backing from the medical community, Perry went on to tell reporters how much the Democrats’ health care reform bill sucks while simultaneously not ruling out taking some federal incentives. Referring to the “opt out” proposal, which would allow states to decide whether or not to join the government health insurance plan, Perry called it a “classic Washington bait and switch” but added that it’s too early to tell if Texas would take advantage of any of the programs. So he’s not for it but he’s not not for it. Ah, double negatives. It’s like when couples say they’re “not trying” to get pregnant but they’re “not not trying.” Doesn’t that mean you’re trying? Why must people confuse me?

Before Perry even considers taking anything from the feds, he should heed the words of Republican Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, who said on the House floor yesterday that she believes Americans have more to fear from the health care bill “than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.” Foxx is from North Carolina, which clearly has decided to throw its hat in the ring to compete for Who’s the Craziest Carolina?

“I believe the greatest fear that we all should have to our freedom comes from this room–this very room–and what may happen later this week in terms of a tax increase bill masquerading as a health care bill,” Foxx said. “I believe we have more to fear from the potential of that bill passing than we do from any terrorist right now in any country.”

Yes. Be afraid. This bill is set to detonate itself at any moment. WHY DO YOU THINK IT LOOKS SO BULKY? SHE’S GOING TO BLOW!

As I was staring at my box of Wheat Thins (Why Snackrifice?) earlier this morning, wondering if they were breakfast-appropriate, I thought about how to use this blog as a social justice platform. OK, not really, but as I watched the video of my colleague Mike Hall on Anderson Cooper 360 last night, discussing the Stink That Is The Cameron Willingham Cover Up, I thought, shouldn’t I blog about something besides being swindled by magazine salesmen and the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book? Don’t I owe that much to my readers?

I’m sure you all know about the Cameron Willingham case as it has been all over the news and you all are nothing if not hounds for news. Basically, a couple weeks ago, the Texas Forensics Commission was to consider evidence of the Willingham case, essentially proving that there was no way he could have committed the arson that killed his children. I mean, it’s a little late since the guy was executed in 2004 but better late than never, right? Well, Governor Perry was having none of that and abruptly removed three members of the commission to hide the fact that he basically flipped the switch on an innocent man.

Finally Kay has weighed in, with her usual bizarre choice of words but words all the same. According to the Star-Telegram, Kay, who describes herself as a “steadfast supporter of the death penalty,” accused Perry of “trying to ramrod a covering-up.” Fellow Republican candidate for governor Debra Medina (who?) said that Perry “gutted the panel” and is behaving “like a tyrant” with an “off-with-their-heads attitude.” Obviously the Perry camp had to respond, saying that their opponents have no problem with murder.

(more…)

You’re probably wondering where I’ve been all day. Truth be told, I’ve been working on a BIG STORY. Well, OK, maybe it’s someone else’s BIG STORY but I’d like to think I had something to do with it despite the fact that I didn’t, you know, “write it.” You have no idea how much a web editor does. I came in around 10:55ish after stopping at Walgreens to find a miracle pill that’s a hybrid of allergy, cold, and malaria medication since I’m not sure which I have. Obviously, since I got to the office a little later than usual (10:15ish), all hell had broken loose.

Michael Hall was working on a story about the big news of the day—Perry’s decision to fire three members of the Forensic Science Commission which was scheduled to review the Cameron Willingham case. See, Willingham was executed in 2004 for killing his three children by burning the house down. Except that, according to forensic experts and arson investigators, he didn’t do it. OOPS! Oh well, he was probably an asshole anyway!

When I heard that Mike was doing this story, I ran into his office and said that I knew this case inside and out because I’d read about it in Vanity Fair and he said it was in the New Yorker and I said, yeah, that’s what I said, the New Yorker. I suggested I help him with his research and we could have a joint byline! Finally! A real shot at becoming the investigative journalist I’ve always wanted to be! But then he said something about how all he really needed me to do was push that button that makes things live on the Internet. Oh, if only it were THAT EASY, I said. You writers don’t know ANYTHING I cried, walking away before he could see my tears.

So finally, the story’s up. (I actually could have made it live hours ago but I wanted my co-workers to know how difficult my job is so I shut my door and pretended like I was coding something.) It’s actually a memo to Kay on how she can use Perry’s outrageous actions against him. Not that she will because then she’ll look like someone who loves arsonists.

I got this picture off of Kay’s Twitter feed. She’s posing with the U of H cheerleaders after they beat Texas Tech on Saturday. And, yes, of course I’m kidding about the girls being fatties. BUT JUST WAIT UNTIL THOSE TONED 19-YEAR-OLDS HIT 30. They probably won’t be wearing midriff shells anymore, not after a couple more years of college binge drinking followed by their 20s, or, as I like to call them, the “lost years.” You all know how that goes. You move to Colorado with your friends and all you get are temp jobs and what little money you do have you spend on microbrews and honey-soaked pizza at The Sink until you realize that a bachelor’s degree won’t get you anywhere so you go to grad school to pursue a lucrative career in the field of print journalism. Brilliant.

South Carolina has Joe Wilson. Texas has… Louie Gohmert of Tyler. Crazy-Off! You remember Louie. The one who held up handmade posters at Obama’s speech to Congress last week that said, “WHAT PLAN?” “WHAT BILL?” “YOU TALKIN’ TO ME? YOU TALKIN’ TO ME? WELL I’M THE ONLY ONE HERE. WHO THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO?” After the House voted yesterday to rebuke Wilson, Gohmert took to the floor, arguing that Obama was the one who insulted Congress, not the other way around.

“He comes in here talking about a lie. He says we’re making wild claims,” Gohmert said. “That’s no way to act when you’re invited into somebody else’s house.” Now, I’m not really sure what to make of this. First of all, that’s MY house we’re talking about. You know, it belongs to the people, Louie. Not you. And Obama can stop by any time he wants. Secondly, it’s just such an odd thing to say. Exactly what was Obama doing that made him such an inappropriate “guest”? Did he get sloppy drunk? Hit on your wife? Cheat at Pictionary? Steal the silverware? Take back the rye bread?

I don’t think that Louie’s necessarily one of the haters (although he is, naturally, a birther). I think that he’s just, you know, intellectually challenged, somewhat delusional, and bitter that he has lost his hair. Given those qualities, I’m sure Rick Perry is pissed that Gohmert is supporting Kay Bailey. Everyone wants the crazies.

Poor Kay. Her formal announcement that she is indeed running for governor was overshadowed by the news that Tom DeLay will compete on Dancing With the Stars after perfecting his sultry burlesque routine. At her press conference, Hutchison said that she’s running because, among other things, Rick Perry has been in office far too long. She’s right. When he first took office, he looked like The Rockford Files James Garner. Now he looks like Space Cowboys James Garner.

Speaking from La Marque, Kay blamed Perry for high property tax rates, skyrocketing college tuition, uninsured children, and for burning down the Governor’s Mansion. Meanwhile, a Perry spokesman is trailing the senator on her five-day kickoff tour in order to remind voters that the death panels could descend on her any day now. “It’s very easy to criticize after being in Washington for 16 years,” he said. “After years of bailouts, earmarks and out-of-control spending, she wants to come back to Texas and bring those Washington policies back here that are proven to be ineffective.” OH MY GOD SHUT UP. I’ve heard of staying on message but, seriously, can’t you come up with any new non-Washington-bashing material? Like, “Women are too stupid to run this state.”

Guess who’s traveling with her? Dick Armey. He must’ve heard there was free booze at every campaign stop. Note to Kay: Lose the drunk. Fast.

TeamKay # KBH just voted “nay” on Judge Sonia Sotomayor

You go, girl!! The above is from Kay Bailey Hutchison’s Twitter feed. It’s just such a pathetic dismissive statement that I don’t know what to say about it. OK, fine. I do know what to say about it. Does she enjoy being a loser? Because one way she could’ve won the Republican primary is if she had gone after the Hispanic vote with a vengeance. You do know that Texas is not going to be a majority-white state for much longer, right? (Yes, you still have time to pack your bags.) And, sure, Perry would’ve used a yes vote against her but it would also bode well for her in the general. No matter. The Senate voted 68 (including nine Republicans) to 31 to approve her nomination. The Republicans who voted against her were also casting a symbolic vote against the president and the Wise Latina was just collateral damage. Oh, almost forgot to mention. Cornyn voted yes at the last minute after realizing that he was just pandering to the conservative wing of his party. And by voted yes, I mean NOT BLOODY LIKELY.