In John McCain’s new campaign ad on immigration, he’s seen walking with a local sheriff and talking about the perils of illegals. You know, like “drug and human smugglings, home invasions, murder.” How did immigrants from Mexico suddenly become The Sopranos?

Here’s the ad:

Sheriff Paul Babeu: “We’re outmanned. Of all the illegals in America, more than half come through Arizona.”

Of all the borders, in all the towns, in all the states, they walk into mine.

McCain: “Have we got the right plan?” [McCain/Kyl Border Security Action Plan]
Babeu: “Plan’s perfect. You bring troops, state and local law enforcement together.”
McCain: “And complete the danged fence.”
Babeu: “It’ll work this time. Senator, you’re one of us.”

And complete the “danged” fence? He sounds like he’s 100 years old and he’s really only 95. How about “and complete this mother*fucker”? But he couldn’t do that because he’s already got a url redirect, CompleteTheDangedFence.com, which takes you to his 10 Point Border Plan on his website. I can’t believe I ever thought McCain was cool. DANG IT.

Anyway, is that The Fence they’re walking next to? The 1970s chain link fence in my backyard could do a better job.

[via First Read]

Today our nation’s top two defense officials—Robert Gates and Mike Mullen—expressed strong support for Obama’s plan to finally end the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which has thus far protected our men and women in the military from thinking that they were serving alongside gay people. The Pentagon will also conduct a yearlong study into allowing gays to serve in the military openly. I can’t wait to see what they find out!!

Gates is directing the Defense Department to quickly review current “don’t ask, don’t tell” regulations and recommend changes within 45 days. Forty-five days? How hard could this be? Doesn’t it just mean that gays in the military no longer have to keep their sexuality a secret or risk being booted out? It’s not like the Pentagon needs time to organize some kind of gay pride platoon march. Of course, not everyone is happy with the decision to reverse the policy, including John McCain, who says he’s “deeply disappointed” and “not entirely sure that Gates and Mullen aren’t gay.”

However, defense officials said it could take years to fully integrate gay men and lesbians into the military. Like, whether straight personnel should have to share quarters with gays. Let’s not go crazy. Next we’ll be saying that whites have to room with blacks.

[WashPost]

Oh. So that was the problem. According to a new study conducted by a bunch of academics who found time for research in between brainwashing impressionable young minds and attending socialist rallies, men who voted for McCain last year experienced a measurable drop in testosterone levels after Obama was declared the winner.

Political elections are dominance competitions. When men win a dominance competition, their testosterone levels rise or remain stable to resist a circadian decline; and when they lose, their testosterone levels fall. However, it is unknown whether this pattern of testosterone change extends beyond interpersonal competitions to the vicarious experience of winning or losing in the context of political elections.

The study’s conclusion: “The present results suggest that male, but not female, voters respond with testosterone changes to the outcome of presidential elections as if they had personally fought to ascend a social dominance hierarchy.”

As if they had personally fought to ascend a social dominance hierarchy. Is this like when all those middle-aged fat men throw on their old football jerseys to watch their college teams? And then if their team wins, they act like they were right there with them? YES YOU BASICALLY SCORED THAT TOUCHDOWN YOURSELF. When I see these men in sports bars (I’m there for the extensive wine list), I always shake my head and think, like I’d pull out my old MHS uniform to watch the National Cheerleading Association competitions. OK, I used to but the skirt ripped in half. There’s nothing cute about a woman of a certain age pretending she’s a cheerleader again.

So what are we to make of the plunging testosterone levels in McCain supporters on Election Night? Did Republican men experience any performance issues that night? Failure to launch? Erectile dysfunction? The oft-overlooked Depressed Penis Syndrome? I suppose they probably didn’t feel much like having sex, given their incredible sense of personal loss and their overall distaste that has grown over the years for their significant other. It’s never easy to lose. But, according to the latest numbers, they better get used to it.

[via Political Wire]

Apparently Reconciliation is not just a sacrament in which you confess your sins and receive absolution, starting when you are seven years old and in dire need of salvation for not eating your vegetables. Reconciliation is also a budgetary procedure that U.S. Senate Democrats are considering employing so as to push through major legislation, such as health care, climate change, and education, by a simple majority vote. (Where have I heard that before?)

If Democrats are successful, the move would essentially deny Republicans the chance to filibuster, which is the only thing they’ve got left, aside from their five-page alternative budget plan. When asked for comment, John Cornyn told the NYT, “It stinks.” It does stink. Perhaps it even “sucks.” Just like it did when Republicans used the very same tactic when they were the majority to pass Bush’s tax cuts for the rich. Don’t you just hate it when the past bites you in the ass?

On a different note, did anyone catch “Meet the Press” yesterday? David Gregory asked John McCain whether he’d like to see Sarah Palin become president. Can we roll the tape?

SEN. McCAIN: I’d like to see her compete. I think we’ve got some very good candidates: Jon Huntsman and–the problem when I run down these names, I always leave, leave out a, a name–Bobby Jindal, Tim Pawlenty. There’s, there’s so many. There’s a lot of good, fresh talent out there.

MR. GREGORY: But would you support Palin?

SEN. McCAIN: Oh, I’d have to see who the candidates are and, and what the situation is at the time. But have no doubt of my respect, admiration and love for Sarah and her family.

Like that last sentence cushions the blow. A true Gore-Lieberman moment. Remember when Gore came out in 2004 and endorsed Howard Dean over his own VP nominee? It doesn’t get much worse than that. So somewhere between November and now, McCain decided that Palin stinks. You might even say “sucks.”

I watched This Week with George this morning (but, then, every week for me is this week with George). I mostly tuned out the exclusive interview with John McCain by eating my cereal very loudly while rifling through the newspaper (yeah, they’re still around) until McCain was asked whether he would support his former running mate in 2012. I leaned forward and squinted as if this would help me hear better.

“Listen, I have the greatest appreciation for Gov. Palin and her family and it was a great joy to know them. She invigorated our campaign… But I can’t say something like that. We’ve got some great other young governors, Pawlenty, Huntsman.”

Wow. I do believe that would qualify as a double BAM.

Who the hell is Huntsman anyway? Shouldn’t he have said Bobby Jindal, who has legally changed his middle name to “Rising Star of the Republican Party”? Regardless, the snub was unmistakable. It was the snub heard round the world, or at the very least, around my living room after I screamed, OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT TOTAL SNUB?

From tappable to snubbable in just three months. That’s just got to be some kind of record.

There’s crazy, and then there’s capital letter crazy, the kind of crazy which makes you sit up and cover your mouth in disbelief and say, “OH MY GOD THAT SHIT IS CRAZY!” Well, my friends, that’s where we are with John McCain.

We’ve got three weeks left. Obama holds a 100-vote lead in the electoral map (264 to 174). He’s 10 points up in the latest national poll. He’s up in almost all the swing states. McCain’s response?

“We’ve got them just where we want them.”

Now, I’ve got a special place in my heart for delusional. But is there anyone out there who actually believes that this is all part of McCain’s plan to win the White House? I’ve employed this response many times in my life when I realize that I’m totally screwed and there is no way out, hoping that it will somehow deflect from the reality that I am a total loser. (Doesn’t.)

Here’s McCain, campaigning today in Norfolk, VA:

“Don’t give up hope. Be strong. Have courage. And fight. Fight for a new direction for our country. Fight for what’s right for America. Fight to clean up the mess of corruption, infighting and selfishness in Washington. Fight to get our economy out of the ditch and back in the lead… Stand up, stand up, stand up and fight. America is worth fighting for. Nothing is inevitable here. We never give up. We never quit. We never hide from history. We make history.”

And, we are history. I’m actually starting to feel sorry for the crazy bastard. Because he used to be a maverick. He used to be a fighter. Just like I used to have blond hair. You can’t help but pity someone who just can’t let it go, like a woman in her 30s who pays far too much for highlights which quickly show her roots because her hair grows at a freakishly fast pace. It’s just… sad.

Speaking of sad, I was at Central Market yesterday when the cashier asked me how my weekend was. I looked up, gave a courtesy smile and said, “pretty lazy,” while watching him scan my wine and type in 00/00/0000 for DOB, code for “Older woman with crow’s feet.” But he wouldn’t drop it. “What’d you do, anything fun?” “Oh, not really.” “Come on, what was the most fun you had this weekend?”

I honestly couldn’t think of anything. Until I remembered that I went to Alamo Drafthouse to see “Blindness” on Friday night. So that’s what I said. That was the highlight — ordering a zinfandel at the Drafthouse to go with my chicken tenders and watching a movie about an epidemic of blindness and chaos.

There’s nothing cute about a woman of a certain age ordering zinfandel at a goddam DRAFThouse, eating fried food, and blogging about her lost youth. But I never quit. I never hide from history.

Dude. I make history.

Apologies for the late posting. After careful consideration, I feel that I must suspend all activity on this blog in respect to the devastating financial crisis facing our nation. That’s another way of saying that I intend to use the troubled economy as a scapegoat for my own personal failings and the fact that I’ve had no time to write today. I thank you for your patience during these uncertain times.

I assume you’ve all been watching the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin/Special Guest John McCain excerpts. If you haven’t, you’re probably still walking around acting like the world as we know it isn’t about to end. I envy you.

This morning, Mr. PL’s brow was furrowed in concern. He pointed to the TV. “Erin looks sad,” he said, watching the Street Sweetie report from Washington instead of NY. “Do you think she misses being in her normal studio?” I stared at him blankly. He continued, “Or maybe she has a boyfriend and she hates being away from him.”

“I can’t go on like this!” I screamed, throwing my blackberry at him for effect, and then we both laughed because I have little choice in the situation, due to those “marital vows.”

So far, all I’ve done today (aside from attending a social media conference and pocketing free granola bars) is wonder aloud whether McCain’s Ultimate Bluff will work, ignoring Evan’s pleas for me to do something — anything — that resembles my job. Dream on.

Will the debate be postponed? Will McCain singlehandedly rescue us from certain financial death? Will Sarah Palin prove herself to be an expert on U.S.-Russia relations, which is sure to become a mainstay of our foreign policy once we’re waiting in bread lines?

In Congress today, key lawmakers say they have reached an agreement on the $700 billion bailout but House Republicans are saying no deal. What a surprise! We’re at a STALEMATE!!

Meanwhile, Obama and McCain are meeting behind closed doors with President Bush at the White House right about now. Oh, if only they were broadcasting this live on C-SPAN…

(more…)

You know, over the three (almost four, save me from myself) years I’ve blogged, something peculiar has happened to me. I’m beginning to think that when I tried that teleportation experiment, a Republican must have gotten in the transmission booth with me, and I emerged… a moderate.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Of course, I’ve never thought that all conservatives and Republicans were inherently evil, or I would’ve had to disown my family and grow up on the mean streets of McLean, foraging for double stuf oreos and cabbage patch dolls discarded by rich Diplomat children from Germany. I digress, as I so often do. This has been one hell of an election, has it not? I was for Hillary, not against Obama. Now I’m for Obama. So does that make me against McCain? Don’t get me wrong. I think it would be a travesty if somehow McCain-Palin pulled this off.

The past eight years have been dreadful, thanks to the Bush administration. But let’s not forget that the Democratic Congress is also accountable. Harry Reid might be the least effective Senate Majority Leader since the beginning of time. And their approval rating, like the president’s, is at an all-time low.

I think McCain would be a terrible president, although I can’t imagine he’d be worse than Bush. I think Palin would be a scary vice president. If they should win, I’m sure we’ll all be talking about what idiots Republican voters are, how they’re a bunch of rednecks, and how their backward ideologies are ruining this country, and how we’re all moving to Canada, where everyone is smart like us.

So where does this get us? Exactly where we’ve been for the past, what, two decades at least? (Stay with me. I feel like I’m making huge strides in personal growth.) Who was it that said…

There are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there’s not a liberal America and a conservative America; there’s the United States of America. There’s not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there’s the United States of America. The pundits like to slice and dice our country into red states and blue States: red states for Republicans, blue States for Democrats.

We worship an awesome God in the blue states, and we don’t like federal agents poking around our libraries in the red states. We coach little league in the blue states and, yes, we’ve got some gay friends in the red states. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism, or do we participate in a politics of hope?

I’ve heard the term “white trash” being tossed around by liberals about their conservative counterparts during this election cycle far too much. “White trash” refers to those “racist” Reagan D’s in Pennsylvania and Ohio who voted for Hillary. Now “white trash” refers to Sarah Palin, her family, and all those Republicans who are so excited about her now for being a “moosehunter maverick.” They all must be “white trash.”

You do realize what the parallel derogatory term for African Americans is, right?

So, a little bit about Sarah Palin. I disagree with her on just about every issue. And yet, since she became McCain’s VP, I’ve become oddly defensive of her. All of the rumors spinning around, and all of the judgments on what kind of mother she is, have made me cringe. OK, I need to wrap this up, mostly because Evan will soon find out that I haven’t done any “real work” since I got in this morning at my usual time (10AM).

I want Obama to be the next president. That doesn’t make me superior to anyone who wants McCain to be the next president. Right?

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still be drinking ridiculously overpriced venti non-fat vanilla lattes from Starbucks until the day I die. But you know what my other favorite coffee is? Dunkin’ Donuts. Regular, with cream and sugar. I told you I’m moderate now.

(Ed. Note — This post will not mention Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter. Shi*t!)

(Ed. Note 2 — Has anyone else noticed the fantastic media coverage on Bristol? Almost all of the cable news pundits — I’m looking at you Anderson — claim that this is off limits, beneath them, blah blah blah. And then they repeatedly cut away to close-up shots of Bristol and various stages of baby bump. Classy.)

Oh, Sarah. We hardly knew you. Will you be taken from us all too quickly? Most of the stuff I’m hearing about Palin is on HuffPost, including these gems:

• Palin gave a speech to her Pentecostal church saying that Iraq is basically a mission from God. Her pastor has said that Bush’s critics are going straight to hell and that the 9/11 attacks were part of a world war over the Christian faith.
• She was once a member of a fringe Alaskan Secessionist party. (Alaska First — Alaska Always!)
• She was the fundraising director for Ted Stevens’s 527 group.
• “Troopergate” — so I’m not too familiar with this one except that she tried to have her brother-in-law fired. Don’t they know that you can’t use a title that’s ALREADY BEEN USED for a scandal?! What, was Palin escorted by troopers to hotel rooms in the middle of the night so she could pull down her pants and say, Kiss it?
• Palin’s husband was arrested on DUI charges two decades ago. (Like that keeps anyone out of the White House.)

Now there’s speculation that McCain could dump Palin from the ticket. But could he really do that without looking like a total moron? Could he really keep her without looking like a total moron? You would think the guy’s screwed either way, but the latest poll finds that 70 percent of Republicans support Palin.

Politico has a story up saying that Palin’s, er, idiosyncrasies could hurt McCain’s campaign or… help it.

Fishing permit violations. A blue-collar husband who racked up a DUI citation as a 22-year-old. An unmarried teenage daughter who is pregnant and a nasty child custody battle involving a family member. All of this, to one degree or another, has surfaced in recent days as a result of efforts to discredit or undermine Palin. But these revelations may have the opposite effect: In one sense, they could reinforce how remarkably unremarkable she is.

So far — and it is hard to tell what the future may hold for Palin’s unexpected national candidacy — the travails of the Palin family probably seem awfully familiar to many average Americans. It is this averageness that makes her such a politically promising running mate for John McCain — and such a dangerous opponent for Democrats. Many voters will find it easy to identify with her family’s struggles — a significant advantage in an election where the voting calculus is so unusually and intensely personal.

“Look at the nature of this: small-town mayor, marrying the high school sweetheart — these are the kinds of things you’d see in a Budweiser commercial as opposed to an Amstel Light commercial,” said SC Gov. Mark Sanford.

Blink. When did Amstel Light become the preferred drink of elitists? GIVE ME BACK MY PINOT.

“The media doesn’t understand life membership in the NRA; they don’t understand getting up at 3 a.m. to hunt a moose; they don’t understand eating a mooseburger; they don’t understand being married to a guy who likes to snowmobile for fun. I am not surprised that they don’t get it. But Americans get it,” said Florida Rep. Adam Putnam. “A mooseburger means she is like one of us. She is not some jackass who’s “gone Washington.”

I had no idea that hunting moose and snowmobiling were such popular recreational sports in Florida. But, I must admit, I have never eaten a mooseburger. I’m just one of those Amstel Light-drinking jackasses.

I didn’t feel the need to concern myself with this whole “energy crisis” thing until a few months ago when I was filling up my Honda with gas. As I watched the numbers go up past $50, double-checking that I had selected Unleaded and not that elitist Premium, I screamed, “WHAT THE FU*CK, MOTHERF*UCKERS?!” I drove away in disgust, without paying.

So when I heard Obama on Monday join McCain in calling for tapping into strategic oil reserves in order to lower gas prices, I thought, screw the nation’s so-called emergency oil stockpile in case of a terrorist attack. I refuse to take the ‘Dillo to work. Obama has previously said he’s opposed to using the strategic reserves.

“You won’t hear me say this too often, but I couldn’t agree more with the explanation that McCain offered a few weeks ago,” Obama said. “He said, ‘Our dangerous dependence on foreign oil has been 30 years in the making.’ What McCain neglected to mention was that during those 30 years, he was in Washington for 26 of them. And in all that time, he did little to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.”

One of the main differences between McCain’s plan and Obama’s plan was that McCain’s in favor of exploring options for offshore drilling. Now Obama says that he’s “reluctantly” open to the idea. Sh*it, I’ll drill in my neighbor’s backyard if it makes my gas cheaper.

So the bottom line seems to be that both McCain and Obama are proposing tapping into oil reserves and exploring offshore drilling. But then Obama’s campaign released an ad yesterday claiming that McCain thinks the country can “drill our way out of this problem.” Sounds like my dentist when I ask for porcelain veneers.

Although the ad seems to target McCain for an option that Obama is also considering, at least in the short term, Obama has only received $345,000 from big oil over the past year. McCain has raised more than $1 million in just the past month — three-quarters of which came after he called for lifting the ban on offshore drilling. Probably just a coinkydink.

Just tell me when I can stop siphoning gas from the other cars in my parking garage.

That New Yorker cover has officially taken its toll on the Obama campaign.

A new Washington Post-ABC News poll shows voters evenly split on the war in Iraq between those backing Obama’s 16-month timeline for troop withdrawal and those backing McCain’s plan to annex Baghdad. Obama delivered a speech on Iraq, Afghanistan, and national security issues this morning, and McCain is scheduled to discuss the war in a town hall meeting in New Mexico. Approximately 47 percent of those polled say they trust McCain more to handle the war, as opposed to 45 percent for Obama.

The poll found that voters are also evenly divided won whether Obama would be an effective commander in chief, 48%-48%. And 72 percent said McCain would make a good commander in chief. Obama chief strategist David Axelrod said, “This is not a particularly new or unusual finding. People believe the war was a mistake. They believe we should leave. And they want it done in a deliberate, thoughtful way.” What poll is he referring to, exactly?

Now, I’ll admit that the war in Iraq has slipped my mind because of the whole “I have to make my coffee at home now and bring it into the office in my Donny & Marie thermos because I can no longer afford Starbucks,” but I haven’t completely forgotten about, you know, THE WAR. Do people really want McCain in charge?

Don’t answer that.

There’s a reason they call this the Dog Days of summer (July to early September, unless you’re in Texas, where it’s late March to mid-October). And every summer I say the same thing. OH MY GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS HELL ON EARTH. I AM ENGULFED IN FLAMES. And every fall I think, why, isn’t it lovely here? I believe the same thing happens when women decide to have second children, completely forgetting the pain of delivery. I will not be making that mistake as I have a very low threshold for pain and a very long memory.

Of course, the other Dog Days refers to the fact that there is nothing I mean nothing going on in politics. I would shut this blog down temporarily but then I’d have to give up my supplemental income (subscribe now!).

No matter. These slow days are a perfect time to play… who’s going to be the alternate who steps up when the president gets clubbed in the knee by an angry ice skater’s ex-husband?

According to Politico, here are some long-shots, since we all know the short-shots.

Obama:

• Robert Rubin (Former Treasury Secretary. Endorsed Hillary in the primary. Now feels stupid.)
• Timothy Roemer (Former Indiana congressman. Pro-life and socially conservative. Says his favorite Supreme Court justice is a hybrid of Thomas and Scalia.)
• Donna Shalala (Former Health and Human Services secretary. Daughter of Lebanese immigrants. Most likely a terrorist.)
• Colin Powell (Let’s just roll the tape of his WMD presentation to the UN.)

McCain:

• Bill Gates (Pocketbook. But Steve Jobs will probably release the new 28th version of the iPod and get more attention.)
• Meg Whitman (Former eBay CEO, distant relative of Walt Whitman and acclaimed author of “Leaves of Ass.”)
• Rep. Eric Cantor (House’s chief deputy. Jewish. From Virginia. Jewish? From Virginia?)
• William Cohen (Former Defense Secretary. Also best man at McCain’s wedding. Liability — mentioned McCain’s ex-wife and farm animals in his drunken toast.)

Wild card: NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg for either ticket. As far as we know, he is not involved in an international prostitution ring.

My guesses. Obama — Hillary, Mark Warner, Evan Bayh (assuming the ITPT curse can be lifted), Bob Casey, Joe Biden, Bill Richardson. McCain — Olympia Snowe or Susan Collins, Mitt Romney, Charlie Crist, Kay Bailey, Mike Huckabee.

Wild card: Chuck Hagel for either ticket.

I don’t typically check the news before I leave my house in the morning because I oversleep. Always. Could be the wine the night before, could be the midnight snack attack, i.e. more wine. But I had to hear about the MCCAIN AFFAIR from my father this morning on the way to work.

Note: The part of my father should be read in a Boston accent, which he hasn’t lost despite living outside New England for four decades.

Me: “Hey Dad!”
Bernie: “Who is this?”
Me: “It’s Eileen. Your youngest.”
Bernie: “Oh, hi Eileen. So what do you think about the news this morning?”
Me: “What news?”
Bernie: “Oh you haven’t heard?” (Dramatic pause. He loves it when he’s got something over me.) “You didn’t read your New York Times this morning?” (Dramatic pause.)
Me: “No, Dad, I had to cancel my subscription when I took a pay cut to work at Texas Monthly. And Grandpa’s five dollar bonds from the 1970s finally expired.”
Bernie: “Well they’re reporting that McCain had an affair with a younger gal (yes, my father still uses the word “gal”), an attractive gal, but all their sources were anonymous.”
Me: “Praise Jesus! It’s the miracle Huckabee’s been waiting for!!”

You know, I’d expect this “BREAKING NEWS STORY” from a rag like the New York Daily News but the Gray Lady? Honestly, this is beneath them. It’s even beneath Judith Miller. As my colleague John Spong pointed out, this is an old story.

And, in my opinion, it doesn’t matter. I think it was completely irresponsible of the Times to run with this story without citing any credible sources in a thinly veiled attempt to discredit McCain and torpedo his campaign. You know what? I don’t give two shi*ts about the sex lives of candidates. Men have always cheated on their wives because they are the weaker sex.

If the NYT wants to write a story on the Keating Five, be my guest. But don’t turn into goddam US Weekly.

Candidates! They’re just like us! They carry their own groceries! They f*uck other people’s spouses!

Tuesday night’s Republican debate experienced even more technical difficulties than Sunday night’s Democratic debate. Not only was the camera work vomit-inducing, there was buzzing and beeping and muted sound, conveniently attributed to a lightning storm. But, truthfully, I didn’t mind it when the candidates’ mics went off mid-sentence. Plus, I have decided that the debate would be much more entertaining if it were a musical.

At the beginning of the debate, John McCain looked totally depressed. I mean, more depressed than those people in the Cymbalta commercials. I think it’s because his campaign staff advised him to appear “less angry” and “not quite as psychotic.” But acting calm, cool and collected isn’t the same as channeling Sylvia Plath.

Minister Mike Huckabee was the first to bring up Ronald Reagan. And Mighty Mouse. Tom Tancredo was the first to mention Benjamin Franklin.

Of course, a significant debate centered around the war in Iraq, which represents the global war on terror, which means they’re all terribly confused as to who’s responsible for 9/11. All of them are pro-war and pro-surge except Ron Paul, who nobody listens to.

And once again, Wolf asked the candidates who read the National Intelligence Estimate before voting for the war. On Sunday, we learned that neither Hillary nor Edwards read the NIE. Last night, McCain and Sam Brownback admitted that they never read it. CAN’T YOU PEOPLE DO YOUR HOMEWORK?! Was it really THAT DIFFICULT to read the report before giving the President the authority to kill thousands of Iraqi civilians and American troops?

Wolf tried to stir up some fights early on. He asked Mitt Romney about his position on immigration, and how McCain has accused him of flip-flopping. AWK-ward. (Handheld camera shows McCain looking down, shuffling through papers.) Meanwhile, Duncan Hunter said that when it comes to immigration, the Administration “has a case of the slows.” He didn’t elaborate on what that means. More immigration fodder later.

Jim Gilmore was asked about Fred Thompson’s conservative credentials, and whether he would add him to the faux candidate he conjured up so it would be “Rudy McRomneyson.” Stop, Wolf, you’re killing me. Rudy Giuliani was asked about a Catholic bishop who declared that, because of Rudy’s position on abortion, he was like Pontius Pilate. Yes. It’s true. Giuliani killed Jesus Christ.

Blitzer mentioned a poll that said that 10 percent of New Hampshire voters say they won’t vote for Romney because he’s Mormon. Please. I don’t care about his religion – I just wouldn’t vote for him because I’m not convinced he’s entirely human. The man talks like a robot. And he’s way too tan. I’m pretty sure if we peel back the skin, we’ll discover that he’s actually a lizard.

The candidates were asked how they would use George Bush in a presidency. Tommy Thompson (whose hair is now unnaturally red and even more toupeeish) responded that he “wouldn’t send him to the UN.” I’m not sure if this was a joke or not, but he definitely waited (Laugh? Applaud?) before continuing. Brownback dodged the question by saying that Bill Clinton is a terrible ex-president. Tancredo said that he is so disappointed in Bush that he wouldn’t use him at all. (Before you start to like him because of that answer, wait until immigration comes back up.)

The Town Hall segment of the debate was somewhat painful, but a little fun to watch. John McCain was the first one to stand up and walk toward the front of the stage in a Liddy Dole circa 2000 campaign move. Then everyone started doing it. Unfair. McCain totally owned that. A member of the audience asked Romney why his website was in English AND Spanish. Is it because he hates our official/national language? Romney said that he “loves immigrants” and then rambled on about nothing.

OK – here’s the best part of the night. When asked about the McCain/Kennedy immigration bill, Tancredo replied that “bilingual countries don’t work” and he’s “tired of pressing 1 for English and 2 for Spanish.” He might as well just have said, “I’m a racist and I hate brown people.” I guarantee he would have secured every vote in that audience. And, really, does he have to insult Brownback right in front of him? (Brownback is the new wetback.) McCain spoke after Tancredo but first he stood up and addressed Tancredo by saying “Muchos Gracias.” Zing.

One of the final questions was “What has been Bush’s greatest mistake?” Absolutely NO ONE answered the question. Instead, they just rattled off some campaign talking points. To Wolf’s credit, he kept reiterating that they weren’t answering the question. Which was stupid. The candidate that answered that would have made headlines today. Free press. I hate all of them.

I think that Rudy won this debate, McCain came in second (I can’t help it, I loved the standing up/walking forward move – brilliant), Romney is most likely a lizard who needs human flesh to survive, Hunter needs to part his hair the other way, Tancredo should be thrown in a Mexican prison, Paul needs to embrace the federal government, Thompson is screwed when Thompson enters the race, Huckabee needs to read the Constitution concerning church and state, Brownback should embrace his Hispanic heritage, and Gilmore surprised me the most. I think he’s VP material. And I’m not just saying that because he’s from Virginia. He could add conservative credentials to a ticket with a moderate candidate on top.

Giuliani/Gilmore v. Hillary/Obama?

I ventured out to a sports bar Saturday night to watch the big Oscar De La Hoya/Floyd Mayweather fight. I don’t usually go to sports bars because they don’t have a wide selection of pinots and everyone drinks domestic. Luckily, they had Harp. (Yes, I know it was Cinco de Mayo and I was drinking Irish lager. I was also the only barfly that brought my own speed bag.)

Before the fight began, the camera panned the Vegas audience to point out celebrities: Leonardo DiCaprio, Toby Maguire, Jack Nicholson, Will Ferrell, John Cusack, Jim Carrey and… John McCain. Yes, Sen. McCain and his wife had ringside seats, third row. Now, I realize Cindy McCain has supposedly dealt with her addiction to prescription painkillers. But girl’s just GOTTA be on something. She just sat there, expressionless, as two men duked it out right in front of her face for 12 violent rounds.

I blame Sen. McCain for the fact that I missed some of the more critical moments of the fight. In almost every shot, there he was in the background, craning his octogenarian neck to get a better view with that disturbing frozen smile on his face. It was very distracting, not to mention creepy. It was like he was that ghost boy from ‘Three Men and a Baby.’

The fight was a good one even though no one got knocked out. I kept screaming all the boxing terms I know at the flat-panel screens: Jab! Hook! Undercut! Guard your face! Rocky!

Unfortunately, I couldn’t take my eyes off McCain. As far as I know, he was the only Republican candidate there. Although the other nine would have fit in perfectly with a bunch of rich white people watching two minority men beat each other up in the ring.

After watching the Republican debate Thursday night, I have come to the following conclusion: If the Democrats can’t win the White House in 2008, they will never, ever win it back again. Ever.

The GOP has come up with the sorriest sack of candidates I have ever seen. And, let’s be honest – they’re not exactly soft on the eyes. And don’t even say, what about Mitt? At first I thought it was George Hamilton. Or Wink Martindale of Tic Tac Dough fame. (Remember that dragon? I wish it had been around last night to eat all the candidates.) None of the candidates referenced President Bush. Instead, they worked in ‘President Reagan’ into almost every single response. As an experiment, I took a sip of my chilled SIMI every time one of the candidates invoked Reagan’s name. Needless to say, I went through five bottles.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but John McCain seems to be making a little bit of a comeback. I almost saw a tiny glimmer of the maverick he once was, especially when he was the only candidate to say he supports embryonic stem cell research. The rest of them should have been bitch-slapped by Nancy Reagan. Seriously.

Then there was the issue of abortion. DAMN, Giuliani, could you have botched up your pro-choice position a little more? Apparently he’s still pro-choice but it was hard to tell from his answer. And what exactly is the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni? Rudy stumbled on that one too. Sure, he got rid of all the homeless people and their squeegees in New York (thanks for cleaning up the city!) but he knows nothing about Muslims.

Romney explained how he used to be pro-choice as Governor of Massachusetts (convenient) but then he had a revelation (much like Joseph Smith) a couple years ago during his exploration of the cloning issue and now he’s pro-life (convenient).

Tom Tancredo said that if Roe v. Wade were overturned, it would be the “greatest day in this country’s history.” Really. The greatest day. Greater than the American revolution? The end of slavery? What a d*ick. And no, I couldn’t tell the difference between Tancredo, Brownback (brillo head) and Hunter. But that might have been the chardonnay.

Oh, Tommy Thompson. Go away. The only Thompson that people want to see in this race is Fred. Pack it up badger. I actually thought Huckabee did OK. But that’s only compared to the rest of those ass-muffins. And Gilmore? Seriously? There is only ONE former Governor of Virginia who deserves to be president. I think we all know who that is.

Texas Congressman Ron Paul was definitely the Mike Gravel of this debate. He also reminded me a little too much of Ross Perot. But he’s the only one against the war in Iraq. He’s also the only one who wants to get rid of the IRS but whatever.

So who was the real winner from last night’s debate? Hillary Clinton.

The Washington Post is too kind with this headline: “As He Enters Race, McCain Appears to Be Off His Stride.” How about “As He Enters Race, McCain Appears to Be Off His Motherf*ckin’ Rocker?” (Yes, I realize this is my new swear word. But, like a child, I will continue to use it until another one equally appealing and offensive comes along.)

On Wednesday, Sen. John McCain formally launched his bid for the White House from New Hampshire. He sported a bulletproof flak jacket and was surrounded by heavily armed troops. (You can never be too sure in Portsmouth.) McCain was joined by his wife, children, and Brian Wilson. Although Rudy Giuliani is surging ahead in the national polls, McCain plans to cut into his lead by divorcing his current wife and marrying his cousin.

But McCain’s not the only one with problems. Despite raising 20 million dollars, Mitt Romney (R-Mormon) is still in the single digits in the polls. In fact, he’s practically tied with Law & Order District Attorney Fred Thompson, who hasn’t even announced yet. Although I do hear Romney’s polling well in Sandy, Utah.

McCain strategist John Weaver contends that McCain remains competitive in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and the peaceful neighborhoods of Baghdad. “We wouldn’t trade places with anybody,” Weaver said. “Because we like losing. Bad.”

According to Whit Ayres, a Republican pollster, “The primary challenge for Senator McCain is that all his life he has been a rebel, a maverick who has stuck his finger in the eye of the establishment,” Ayres said. “And now he just sticks his head up the ass of the conservative movement.”

Sen. John McCain announced Wednesday night that he is indeed running for president. On the David Letterman show. Because McCain USED TO BE FUNNY. Now, he’s just a d*ick. I’m shocked he didn’t announce on the 700 Club. Not to be outdone, Sen. Joe Biden will announce that he will not seek the Democratic nomination on the Jimmy Kimmel show.

Top Ten Reasons Why McCain Shouldn’t Be President? I’ll start.

10. I don’t like that pin-striped suit. It makes him look shifty.

maverick 1. a lone dissenter, as an intellectual, an artist, or a politician, who takes an independent stand apart from his or her associates.
2. an unbranded calf, cow, or steer, esp. an unbranded calf that is separated from its mother.

OK, which one is John McCain now? He’s sure sucking on the teat of his one-time adversaries. Yes, McCain has hired Mark McKinnon (Public Strategies!), Russell Schriefer and Stuart Stevens to work on his presidential campaign.

These are the same guys who crucified McCain on nasty negative ads while pimping for George Bush. Whether they were involved in the whispering campaign in South Carolina or not – where rumors were spread about McCain’s ‘black’ daughter (his adopted daughter from Bangladesh) and about his drug-addict wife – does it really matter? I couldn’t lose any more respect for this guy if I tried.

Oh wait – yes I could. McCain has also hired Stevens Reed Curcio & Potholm, the firm behind the Swift Boat ads against John Kerry. And – what do you know – remember that Harold Ford ad? That head of the committee that sponsored the spot, Terry Nelson, is now McCain’s national campaign manager.

Who’s he going to hire as his Outreach Coordinator? George Allen?

Speaking of presidential candidates, I caught Meet the Press Sunday morning starring John Edwards. I’m not sure if it was the Sudafed (begrudgingly given to me by the pharmacist after I signed a bunch of papers promising that I do not have a meth lab in my garage), but Edwards seemed pretty good. Does he have a shot? Maybe not. But if Hillary and Obama start ripping into each other, the Dems will be looking for an alternative. And Edwards is cleaner than Joe Biden.