There’s a new law in Arizona and, before you cringe, you should know that despite coming on the heels of the controversial immigration law, this one is much more reasonable. It prohibits classes that advocate ethnic solidarity. In other words, Introduction to Aryan Nation will no longer be tolerated. There goes the best field trip ever!

Apparently the program in question, in a Tuscon school district, offers specialized courses in African-American, Mexican-American, and Native-American studies that focus on the unique history and literature of a particular ethnic group. Oh that’s such bull*shit. My high school Irish-American ethnic studies did nothing but make me proud of my heritage, although I did come out hating Protestants.

The initiative was spearheaded by Tuscon schools chief Tom Horne, who says he believes that the Mexican-American studies in particular teaches Latino students that they are oppressed by white people. Please. Like they don’t already know that. They can’t walk across the street without a cop asking for their papers. The program gets even more radical. An American history course explores the role of Hispanics in the Vietnam War. A literature class focuses on Latino authors. There are even more Latino authors than Gabriel Garcia Marquez?

Horne also claims that the program promotes “ethnic chauvinism” and “racial resentment” toward whites. “It’s just like the old South, and it’s long past time that we prohibited it,” Horne said. How is this like the old South? Do the Hispanic students enrolled in these classes get to keep slaves? Because that would be awesome. Gov. Jan Brewer signed the bill just hours after a report by human rights experts from the United Nations condemned the measure. Arizona then passed a law dissolving the UN.

A spokesman for the governor, Paul Senseman, said that Brewer supports the bill’s goal. “The governor believes public school students should be taught to treat and value each other as individuals and not be taught to resent or hate other races or classes of people,” Senseman said.

Well the governor is certainly setting a good example.

[NY Daily News]

In John McCain’s new campaign ad on immigration, he’s seen walking with a local sheriff and talking about the perils of illegals. You know, like “drug and human smugglings, home invasions, murder.” How did immigrants from Mexico suddenly become The Sopranos?

Here’s the ad:

Sheriff Paul Babeu: “We’re outmanned. Of all the illegals in America, more than half come through Arizona.”

Of all the borders, in all the towns, in all the states, they walk into mine.

McCain: “Have we got the right plan?” [McCain/Kyl Border Security Action Plan]
Babeu: “Plan’s perfect. You bring troops, state and local law enforcement together.”
McCain: “And complete the danged fence.”
Babeu: “It’ll work this time. Senator, you’re one of us.”

And complete the “danged” fence? He sounds like he’s 100 years old and he’s really only 95. How about “and complete this mother*fucker”? But he couldn’t do that because he’s already got a url redirect, CompleteTheDangedFence.com, which takes you to his 10 Point Border Plan on his website. I can’t believe I ever thought McCain was cool. DANG IT.

Anyway, is that The Fence they’re walking next to? The 1970s chain link fence in my backyard could do a better job.

[via First Read]

FL Republican Senate candidate Marco Rubio is now backing Arizona’s immigration law after the most controversial part—stopping every Hispanic indiscriminately and asking for their papers—was tweaked to stopping every other Hispanic indiscriminately and asking for their papers. While traveling through Arizona a couple of months ago, Rubio said he was approached by many people concerned about violent Mexicans stringing up defenseless paper-mache cartoon figures and clubbing them to death with baseball bats. The sickest part is when they slice them open to eat the candy.

“There are going to be stories of very young kids that were brought to this country at a very young age who don’t even speak Spanish that are going to be sent back to Nicaragua or some other place,” Rubio said. “And it’s gonna feel weird and I understand that.” He added, however, that despite the fact that we’ll be ripping babies out of their mothers’ arms, it’s a price worth paying.

Rubio is the son of Cuban exiles but was born in Miami. It really hurt him to see his parents deported but it was worth it in the end.

[Ben Smith]

Since there’s so much radio silence out there, I can only assume that you all are in line at the Austin Convention Center, waiting to catch a glimpse of Sarah Palin, or touch her leather cloak in the hopes of curing your leprosy. But good luck getting in the doors. They’re all sold out. And before you say, But Eileen! Surely you could get in with your press pass!, save your breath. Reporters also had to purchase tickets. Which means there will be absolutely no coverage of the event. Like journalists have $50.

There are more important things to write about anyway, like Donald Trump’s position on Arizona’s new immigration law. Trump appeared on Larry King Live to offer his stamp of approval. God knows we’ve all been wondering what The Donald thought. Meanwhile his beautiful but mute wife Melania just sat there nervously because she’s from SLOVENIA. And his first wife was from CZECHOSLOVAKIA. And his second wife was from GEORGIA. Immigrant lover. While Trump acknowledged that there are “a lot of great people coming in,” he pointed out that “Mexico doesn’t have a lot of blonds.”

Did you hear that, Brunettes? Not only were you always the last to be asked to dance, now you’ll be openly discriminated against through no fault of your own. It’s not like you asked to be a brunette. I mean, who would?

[Mediaite]

Colombian pop star Shakira headed to Phoenix today to protest the recently signed immigration law and meet with Mayor Phil Gordon. Although Gordon is an advocate for strong immigration ordinances, he calls the new law “threatening and misguided.” Plus he really, really wants to meet Shakira. Gov. Brewer, however, is not a fan and said she couldn’t meet with the singer because she was “booked.” Unfortunately, no one has told Shakira that she is not welcome in Arizona, despite the fact that she is, how do you say, bootylicious. But Shakira is not the only celebrity that plans to be in Arizona today. Linda Ronstadt will be in Tucson. (OK, Shakira is the only celebrity in Arizona today.)

According to the AP:

[Shakira] visited earthquake-ravaged Haiti earlier this month, expressed her support for Cuban dissident group Ladies in White and has worked as a UNICEF goodwill ambassador. Her Barefoot foundation provides nutrition to more than 6,000 children in Colombia, and she is a member of the ALAS foundation that advocates for children across Latin America. Last month, the U.N. labor agency gave the singer a medal for her work to help impoverished children.

Oh, please. She’s totally doing this for publicity. How dare she try to make us look stupid. We were doing JUST FINE on our own.

Rep. Leo Berman of Tyler, Texas plans to file controversial immigration legislation similar to Arizona’s but not quite as lenient. Ah, Arizona. You didn’t really think you could out-stupid Texas, did you? He announced his intentions through an aide because he is currently traveling in Europe. What a socialist freak show.

According to his aide—apparently Berman is unaware that you can phone home from other countries—the bill will emphasize the racial profiling provision, which gives police the authorization to check immigration status of anyone who looks suspicious. Have you seen Leo Berman? Good God. If anyone looks suspicious, it’s him. I’m not even convinced he’s from this planet.

Not that anyone should be surprised. Berman has filed similar legislation in the past to prevent U.S.-born children of immigrants from public schools, social services, and Twinkies. He also blames them for malaria, gout, and leprosy. I can only imagine that Leo was inspired by the weekend’s Glenn Beck event held in Tyler, where he told the crowd that Obama is “God’s punishment on us.” Wait a minute. I thought the immigrants were God’s punishment. WHY DOES GOD HATE US SO MUCH?

[KVUE]

On Friday, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the state’s controversial new immigration law, second only to Farmers Branch for its dumbassery, which will make it a crime to be in the country illegally. Now I’ve never been to Arizona but it’s nice to know that I am welcome there any time because I am white. I knew there were advantages! The law requires that local police enforce federal immigration laws, and if an officer suspects someone of being illegal, they can ask them to produce an “alien registration document” or a couple of “chicas bonitas.” Some people would call this “racial profiling,” while others would call it, “Mexicans just happen to be really bad drivers.”

Republican Sen. Russell Pearce, the bill’s sponsor, called it “a good day for America.” When she signed the bill, Brewer said, “This bill strengthens the laws of our state, protects all of us, every Arizona citizen.” Yeah, those day laborers at Home Depot are pretty damn threatening. I’m just waiting for someone to discover that Brewer has employed undocumented citizens in the past, like Mitt Romney. Hey, at least Mitt didn’t strap the guy to the roof of his car like the family dog. As far as we know.

According to a recent poll, the legislation has widespread support among Arizonans, except for Meghan McCain, who is still engaging in youthful rebellion against her father. But, as Gov. Brewer says, “We cannot sacrifice our safety to the murderous greed of drug cartels. We cannot stand idly by as drop houses, kidnappings and violence compromise our quality of life.” Drop houses? According to Urban Dictionary, which I consult multiple times a day, a drop house is a small one-bedroom apartment with like 50 immigrants living there. Clearly, they are all murderous drug cartels. Especially the babies.

LET YE WITHOUT ILLEGAL POWERWASHING PREGNANT NANNY MAIDS CAST THE FIRST STONE.

During his Senate confirmation hearings Tuesday, Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner faced some tough questions. Like, how does he plan to bring our country out of this economic shitstorm? What’s his comprehensive plan for long-term recovery and financial growth? How can he stem the tide of distraught mothers selling their innocent children on eBay? (I’ve already got a bid in on an adorable blond toddler.)

But, most importantly, what’s the immigration status of his former housekeeper? DAMN, people. Haven’t we seen this play before? How many times do white people seeking higher office have to be reminded to hire documented immigrants to clean their homes 15 hours a day?

Apparently the Geithners employed a housekeeper whose papers expired roughly three months before she stopped working for them in October 2005. However, she was later granted a green card because she’s married to a U.S. citizen. Obviously a ruse. (Of course, it all worked out in that irresistibly charming romantic comedy starring Gerard Depardieu and Andie MacDowell.)

There’s another problem with Geithner that has nothing to do with domestic help. He forgot to pay self-employment taxes while working for the IMF. An honest mistake. But the WSJ is also reporting that he failed to pay Social Security or Medicare taxes for “multiple years.” Seriously? This is the best we can do? Barring a federal wiretap of Geithner trying to sell the f*cking deputy Treasury Secretary position, he’ll probably be just fine.

I almost forgot about the issue of illegal immigration due to the economic downturn that is impacting me personally. Just this morning, my Visa was declined when I tried to buy a skim vanilla latte, forcing me to dig around in my purse for loose change after the guy behind me in line refused to give me four bucks. DAMN YOU BURKA.

But there is one place that will never grow tired of the immigration issue. And that bastion of true patriotism is… Farmers Branch.

The city council Tuesday passed an ordinance that prohibits illegal immigrants from renting or owning homes in the Dallas suburb. “The federal government will verify if the person is in the country legally,” Mayor Pro Tem Tim O’Hare said. “If not, we will notify that person as well as the landlord in writing that they do not have the right to be in the country.”

This is the second noble attempt by the citizens of Farmers Branch to bar landlords from renting to immigrants or anyone who looks suspiciously brown. “If we were sued for this ordinance and had to defend this ordinance as well, it wouldn’t surprise me,” O’Hare said. “We’re not in this for the short term. We’re in this for the long haul.”

Is there nothing else that the city council could be working on? Highway beautification? Zoning? Parking tickets? Giving themselves a raise? At least this makes for interesting meetings. My first job out of grad school, I covered a local city council and park district board. My big break came when a neighborhood’s favorite mailman retired and I made it to B3 of the metro section. Below the fold.

Those folks down in Farmers Branch sure do come up with the darndest ways to get rid of Mexicans. Now they’re targeting colored houses. This reminds me of the blatant discrimination my family encountered after my father decided to paint our shutters neon blue. They had been an acceptable sky blue prior to his sixth martini. To make matters worse, we had a neon blue Volkswagen bug.

The neighborhood kids stopped playing kick the can with us. Our house was egged on a nightly basis. Neighbors placed intimidating signs in our yard that said “Smiths Out of Forest Villa Lane!” I resorted to wearing a wig and sunglasses when I left the house.

So I feel the pain of the colored houses in Farmers Branch, and the unfair treatment that they have received. Take resident Robin Bernier, who has petitioned the City Council to require permits and color approval before people paint their houses. “When you paint your house some fluorescent or garish color scheme, you negatively affect my [home] value,” Bernier said. Uh, you live in Farmers Branch. How much lower could your home value go?

According to business owner and colored home supporter Elizabeth Villafranca, this is just another jab at Hispanics in this once quiet little town. “We know who has the bright colors,” she said. “Latin Americans.”

Tom Bohmier lives near a house with an offensive bright blue garage. He said he didn’t want his neighbors “for whatever reason, mental incompetence or poor judgment, to paint their house electric something.” You see? If everyone lived in a nice white trailer like Mr. Bohmier, we wouldn’t have these problems.

The president of the Code Enforcement Association of Texas, Neely Blackman, said that house color doesn’t make a difference in property values. “Now neighbors make a difference,” he said, citing issues such as Hispanics.

Rick Johnson has problems with three houses in his neighborhood: a pale yellow one with black doors and trim and a red roof, a brick home with bright blue shutters, and a third with a purplish trim. WHAT IS SO WRONG ABOUT BRIGHT BLUE SHUTTERS?

By TJ Shroat

“One of the longest borders on Earth is right here between your country and mine. Open border…1400 miles without a machine gun emplacement. I suppose that all sounds very corny to you.” — Charlton Heston as “Mike Vargas” in Touch of Evil, referring to the US/Mexico border.

One of the primary benefits of being a Netflix subscriber is that it affords me the chance to see all the classics of cinema that I wouldn’t necessarily be able to find on DVD at Blockbuster. (The primary benefit of a Netflix subscription is never having to set foot in a Blockbuster. While I can’t pretend that the Wayans brothers or Uwe Boll don’t exist, at least I never have to be confronted with anyone actually consuming their movies.)

Unfortunately, classic cinema rarely holds up by today’s standards. The acting is often theatrical and stilted (especially from the pre-Strasberg, pre-method days). The premises, some controversial at one time, are hackneyed. The musical cues are often ham-fisted. Ever heard anyone say or write this: “They don’t make movies like that anymore.”? Good, I say. The best movies and television of present are, by and large, better than the best movies and television of the past. (Past crap, however, continues to remain on par with current crap.)

While filling in my knowledge of the back catalogue of American Cinema, rarely have I thought, wow, this movie is great by any standard. (Two notable exceptions that immediately come to mind are the two movies generally argued over as the greatest films of all time, Casablanca and Citizen Kane. Both are pretty solid.)

So where does a movie like Touch of Evil fit? The film noir classic, which I watched for the first time last week, is great at times and head-scratchingly awful at others. Mostly, I came away wondering how the participants and the movie itself ever came together almost fifty years ago, and delighted by the ironic resonance of border relations between then and now.

The movie’s plot centers on a double homicide from the opening scene. The victims, American, have just driven back into the US from Mexico when their car explodes. Who planted the bomb? Quienes son los asesinos?

Charlton Heston (see above, RE: stilted acting) plays Ramon Miguel “Mike” Vargas, the last good, uncorrupted Mexican cop to appear in cinema until Benicio Del Toro in Traffic. Yes, that’s right. Charlton Heston plays a Mexicoan. If nothing else about Touch of Evil sounds appealing to you, at least view it for the chance to see Heston in Latinoface. Heavy Latinoface. I imagined Heston, on the first day of shooting, telling the makeup artist, “No, no. I want to look really Mexican. Slap on a few more coats of brown.”

The movie never explains why Detective Vargas speaks English without any trace of an accent. At one point in the film, as Vargas is roughing up a Mexican thug in a bar and questioning him in wooden Spanish, the thug inexplicably says, “In English, please.” Some other dialogue from Heston, who was, at the time, a liberal Democrat:

• “A policeman’s job is only easy in a police state.”
• “This isn’t the real Mexico. You know that. All border towns bring out the worst in a country.”
• “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty gringo.”

Also never explained in the movie is how Vargas came to be married to platinum-ly white Susie, played by Janet Leigh. I kept hoping she would be stabbed to death in a shower. Her character’s attitude: “I’m a plucky, blond, white woman. The worst thing that can ever happen to me? Being the mother of a community-uniting-Larry-King- lamenting-trapped-in-a-well baby.”

At one point, she naively follows a shady young Latino tough after being given a note that says, Follow this boy. Susie: “What have I got to lose? Lead on Pancho.” Because of course, if you’re going to follow a hooligan down darkened, unfamiliar streets, you want to start the encounter with a glib, mildly racist comment. She harrumphs her way through the movie like Eileen pursuing laptop thieves.

Zsa Zsa Gabor appears briefly in the film. She’s still not dead, in case you were wondering. Marlene Dietrich, who is dead, also has a small, but important role. I couldn’t determine from the film whether her character was supposed to be Mexican, or just a random gypsy. Sprechen sie Spanglish?

The real star of the film is actor/director/writer Orson Welles. Welles plays Hank Quinlan, a villainous, corpulent American policeman, who talks as if he’s constantly on the verge of vomiting from overeating. He looks as if he’s a wafer-thin mint away from exploding. While Welles’ writing in the film is weak at times, he gives himself some of the best lines: “I don’t speak Mexican. Let’s keep it in English, Vargas.” His directing is solid, most famously during the often imitated opening tracking shot.

I wonder what Welles would think of the current border security brouhaha if he were alive today. I wonder if Heston, who embraced the dark side of the force in the mid-1980s, is coherent enough to have an opinion on the border issue, in light of his performance in this movie.

In the climatic scene of the movie, Vargas escapes to Mexico after parting the Rio Grande, then closing it on the pursuing Quinlan. He then notices the head of the Statue of Liberty, buried in the sand.

By Fled the Asylum

Though Bill Clinton came to be associated with “the bridge to the 21st century,” he actually said that he, America, we, were “building” that bridge. As it turns out, the bridge to 21st century leadership that Bill Clinton, through a variety of his actions and the over-reactions to his actions, built was the presidency of George W. Bush. After all, a bridge is really just something you gotta get over. So, now we’re approaching America’s opportunity to get off this rickety fuck*ing bridge, and get on with the 21st century – the real one. Flying cars and jet packs, here we come.

Americans, on our 8-year slog across this bridge, have grown leery about bodies of water. Particularly shallow rivers that flow between two sovereign nations, approximately 313 miles southwest of my Houston home where I am currently sitting.

As of Tuesday evening, the U.S. Senate kept alive key components of the comprehensive immigration bill which grants a path to legal residency to 12 million currently undocumented immigrants (with, of course, the required documentation), further secures our otherwise impermeable border, and provides for 600,000 temporary workers to enter the U.S. to tend crops, work Dell call centers, mow Mitt Romney’s yard, engineer roads and bridges, write essays for elementary school students and work as wet nurses.

The issue has brought conservatives, moderates and liberals together to support this bill, while uniting conservatives, moderates and liberals to defeat the initiative. To evaluate the electoral breakdown of the two national coalitions which have formed on either side of this issue provides a fascinating case study of regionalism, racism, labor politics and post-9/11 paranoia. But who has time for that shi.t? We just wanna know who wins.

According to MSNBC’s Tom Curry, the answer is Democrats. Though Curry touches briefly on the future electoral ramifications of the perceived conservatism and overwhelmingly Catholic and Latino culture, his answer is Democrats.

However, the way that 12 million new working-class would-be citizens may or may not vote in the mid-term elections of 2022 may miss the point entirely. The issue, for 2008 and election years to come is, what Iowa Republican Congressman Steve King calls the potential “collapse” of the Republican Party, should the president sign this bill, as he has indicated he will.

King, who has worked to raise awareness about the imaginary “slow-motion terrorist attack” allegedly perpetrated by illegal immigrants in the form of various sex crimes against “eight little girls” a day, has indicated that “Republicans will get the blame” if the proposal becomes law, “and Democrats will get the credit and the votes.”

Though it could be the mutiny of King and others like him, from the captain they have served so faithfully, lo these seven-ish years, which has more influence on the future of the Republican Party, and politics in America, than the electoral population adjustment to which he’s alluding.

Over the course of the W administration, a cottage industry of comparing 43 to President 37 has sprung up. A Google search of “Bush is Richard Nixon” (no quotes) generates over a million hits. But, what if, Bush isn’t Nixon at all, but Johnson? What if we’re not re-living the pre-malaise that was the early 70s, but the all-encompassing nationwide bumblefuck that was the late 60s?

Now, before I go another step further towards blasphemy, let me clarify. LBJ, for his many, many faults – and there were many, many – did more to bring this country into the mainstream of Western human rights than any president in the last century. Johnson, at his best, was a leader of Americans, a true Texan and the best friend, both in Congress and the White House, that working families ever had in Washington. Bush, on the other hand, is Bizarro King Midas – everything he touches, from Arbusto to Iraq, turns to sh*it. Although Johnson, like W, was the son of a politician, it’s hard to make the case that Texas State Representative Sam E. Johnson gave his boy quite the same head start that George Herbert Walker Bush gave to his. (Born on 3rd base, thought he hit a triple.)

With that said, the ne’er-do-well Connecticut yankee Texan poseur, in many respects, appears to be on a track very similar to that which amounted to a catastrophic end for the administration of the real Texan. By this point in his administration, Johnson had not yet recognized that the war in Vietnam was not to end favorably for the U.S. Bush too remains insulated to the realities of the war.

Johnson recognized that his efforts to pass meaningful civil rights legislation “lost the South [for Democrats] for a generation,” while Bush’s stand on immigration, specifically his wacky position that the U.S. is not going to expel 12 million contributing consumers, threatens to fracture the Republican party as deeply. For Bush’s Republican Party, this non-localized ideological rift may prove far more difficult to remedy, as intense regional campaigning will do little to either offset losses, or re-convert voters who abandon the party, and potentially voting altogether, amidst perceived betrayal.

Most telling perhaps, is the rampant violation of Reagan’s 11th Commandment in the Republican pre-primary elephant walk, particularly the sniping between the erstwhile wrinkly face of the Republican Party, Senator John McCain, and former Liberal Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Romney, who had at one point expressed support for comprehensive immigration reform, is expressing his reservations about the current agreement. McCain, in response, has suggested that “maybe his solution will be to get out his small varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn.”

It’s early, but it’s ugly. Not “he doesn’t wear a flag lapel pin” ugly. Worse. While Johnny Mac’s slam was half in jest, his message was not. The immigration issue is substantive, and a lot of voters have realized that it’s their top priority. Though the schism in understanding shows at every point along the political spectrum, King may be right that the GOP will get the worst of this, one way or the other. Which, by the way, they earned with their race-baiting and fear-mongering (I’m looking at you, Mr. King) throughout this debate.

So, while the Republican Party burns, how do the Democratic Presidential candidates strike? Well, if Bush is Johnson, and the Republicans of 2008, the Democrats of 1968, the Democrats should (gulp) act like Nixon. But only through next Fall!!!

In 1968, Nixon was already a nationally known commodity. He had been in three national campaigns; the first 16 years prior as Ike’s second fiddle, and most recently as Republican first chair violinist in 1960. He was a fundraising and stumping star within his party, and still generally disliked by Democrats. Despite his high profile, as a politician as omnipresent as any in the second half of the last century, his 1968 campaign is remembered primarily for the fact that it was successful amidst the Democratic meltdown. He made vague appeals to the conservative “silent majority,” gave no details on his plan for “peace with honor” in Vietnam, and ultimately was successful. He won mostly by promoting Dick (Take notes, Barack.) and letting the Democrats fight their way out of the White House.

So, to capitalize on the chaos overtaking the party of Nixon, Democrats should sit… sort of. Of course, they need to run their campaigns, they need to talk about the issues, and the president. They need to build their machines for success in the primaries (without drawing each other’s blood) and success in the general election to come. Ultimately, in late 2008, as a party, they have to be good, and let the Republicans do the work of electing the next Democratic president – maybe even Hillary.

Early voting begins today on the anti-immigrant ordinance in Farmers Branch that would bar landlords from renting apartments to undocumented immigrants. It would also bar immigrants from buying groceries so they will starve to death, thereby solving the problem altogether.

Farmers Branch is roughly 40 percent Hispanic, but fewer than 10 percent of registered voters are Hispanic. Not that it matters since all Hispanic votes will be destroyed.

One supporter of the ban, Darryl Hannah Mix, said that, while he employs half a dozen Hispanic workers, they’re legal, clean and articulate. “I have nothing against Hispanics but I don’t think we can afford paying for all these illegals,” Mix said. “They send most of their pay back to Mexico, anyway.” You know, when someone starts their sentence off with “I have nothing against Hispanics,” they probably have… something against Hispanics. Like, “I have nothing against people like Darryl Mix, but he’s a redneck hick.”

One comment on the Chron article reads:

• “This is the very reason Illegal Immigrant must be stoped now, not later. To do less is criminal. which will led to civil war, and Mexico will not like the pay back results.”

You know, I might take these people more seriously if they had any kind of grasp on the English language, or basic spelling and grammar. But, probably not.

On last week’s Special Session with Paul Stekler, the topic was immigration. The guests were Rep. Leo Berman and Rep. Rafael Anchia. An anti-immigration white man and a pro-immigration Hispanic. What could possibly go wrong?

According to Berman, illegal aliens “brought with them a number of diseases that we have to treat them for. For example, the illegal alien has brought into the United States a multi-drug-resistant tuberculosis, leprosy, the plague, polio, malaria…”

He forgot yellow fever, thrush, typhoid, small pox, gout, whooping cough, gangrene, terrorism and, of course, the dreaded brown babies.

Berman: “One of the most lucrative benefits that an illegal alien has is where a pregnant woman can wait at the border, come into the United States, check into a U.S. hospital, receive prenatal care, give birth, pay absolutely nothing for her medical care, and then receive U.S. citizenship while she’s committing a crime against the United States, violating our immigration laws. I introduced a bill challenging the 14th amendment to prohibit the state of Texas from recognizing the children of illegal aliens as U.S. citizens for the purpose of giving them state benefits.”

Of course, State Affairs Committee Chairman David Swinford has already squashed these bills, but Berman commented that there’s “more than one way to skin a cat. Especially if that cat contracts leprosy from one of the illegals and just sheds his skin himself.”

Everyone knows the military is having trouble meeting its recruiting goals. I mean, do you want to go catch a bullet in Iraq? There is some talk of reinstituting a draft, but that’s a no go because some of the people most supportive of our War On An Abstract Noun might actually have to fight it. These people are generally conservative in outlook and pasty in appearance. They’re also huge p*ssies.

So where is Rome, I mean the Pentagon, looking for new recruits? Immigrants. The idea of putting immigrants on the citizenship fast track in return for military service is becoming more popular. The specifics haven’t really been worked out yet like where the recruiting stations would be (outside the Home Depot on St. Johns) and what the minimum standards might be (the inability to understand something before signing it).

The Pentagon says it needs 30,000 troops and 5,000 Marines, but it would take billions to recruit, train and equip lazy American soldiers. Immigrants will do it for minimum wage and are willing to pick their own vegetables and even bus their own tables in the mess hall.

“It works as a military idea and it works in the context of American immigration,” said Thomas Donnelly of the American Enterprise Institute. “Hopefully the survivors won’t vote Democratic.”

The idea is not without its detractors. National Council of La Raza says it send the wrong message that Americans themselves aren’t willing to defend the homeland. They also think the immigrants will be used as ‘cannon fodder,’ taking away the jobs historically held by poor blacks and rural whites.

Other nations have used foreign soldiers. The French Foreign Legion relies on non-citizens who if they are lucky will receive French citizenship and/or end up in the comic strip ‘Crock.’ The Vatican has historically been protected by the Swiss Guard made up of soldiers from many nations, although recently it’s been mainly protected by defense lawyers.

“The military would do well today to open its ranks not only to legal immigrants but also to illegal ones and, as important, to untold numbers of young men and women who are not here now but would like to come,” said Max Boot of the Council on Foreign Relations.

As long as they aren’t gay that is.

I’m thinking of creating a new blog just for Senator-elect Dan Patrick: In the Crazy Texas.

Patrick has joined forces with the Eyes on the Border Foundation to fund a specially equipped Maul MXT-7-180 surveillance plane to “combat criminal activity” on the border. (Next purchase includes shoulder-launched missiles and roadside bombs.) Eyes on the Border was founded by Patrick, fellow radio talk show host Edd Hendee and the entire community of Farmers Branch.

On Wednesday, Patrick handed the aircraft keys over to Sheriff Arvin West of Hudspeth County and Sheriff Oscar Carillo of Culberson County. Sheriff Carillo was immediately taken into custody. As was Chief Pilot Sam Lopez (pictured). Seriously. If they needed some token Hispanics, they could’ve called Henry Bonilla. He’s available.

According to the website, Eyes on the Border “is a grassroots, privately-funded initiative to reestablish control of the U.S.-Mexico border… Our guys are smart and brave — but they are out-spent, out-gunned, and out-manned. Eyes on the Border (EOTB) aims to alter this reality.”

They’re out-spent and out-gunned by poor Mexican children? Time to call in the Houston realtors.

The Texas Association of Business and other business groups explored the contentious issue of immigration Thursday at an immigration reform summit. First item on the agenda: Do illegal immigrants help or hurt the economy? And does it matter as long as my house gets powerwashed?

According to a new report by Texas Comptroller Carole Keeton Bon Jovi Strayhorn, undocumented immigrants added $17.7 billion to the gross state product in 2005 and produced $1.58 billion in state revenues. They also received $1.16 billion in state services. The report, entitled “Undocumented Immigrants in Texas: A Financial Analysis of the Impact to the State Budget and Economy,” showed that local governments paid $1.4 billion in uncompensated health care costs.

The issue was debated on a summit panel featuring Rep. Leo Berman and Rep. Rick Noriega, who had to show his citizenship papers at the door. (Incidentally, I ran into Rep. Noriega at Las Manitas Thursday morning. I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize for assuming he was a waiter.)

According to Berman, the legislation he filed which would deny state benefits to U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants, the question he’s raising “is a legitimate one. Unlike those little alien bastards.”

Meanwhile, Governor Perry spoke at a Texas Border Coalition meeting Wednesday and said he disagrees with Berman’s bill, adding that he has “no intention of getting rid of Luis Saenz.”

Not content to go quietly back to Mexico or whatever his country of origin is, Guillermo Ramos, a real estate agent, has filed a lawsuit against the anti-immigration ordinances recently passed by the Farmers Branch City Council. Ramos is asking a state district court to strike down what he calls “anti-Hispanic” ordinances.

Ramos, who used to work in landscaping for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, has also called upon Congressman Henry Bonilla to pay back taxes for the seven years that his wife was gainfully employed as his powerwashing nanny.

The lawsuit seeks to prevent the enforcement of a specific ordinance prohibiting landlords from renting to illegal immigrants, and one that targets property maintenance, such as banning pet roosters. Ramos claims that the action taken by the City Council was in violation of the Texas Open Meetings Act, to which Councilman Tim O’Hare responded, “That’s outrageous. All the white people were invited to attend.”

Meanwhile, Hispanic leaders in Farmers Branch kicked off a campaign called “intelligent buying” that would encourage residents and the millions of other consumers who are expected to flock to Farmers Branch to do most of their Christmas shopping, to shop only at businesses supporting immigrant rights and the local Hispanic community. So far, participating businesses include whatever Guillermo Ramos is selling.

“This is another attempt to intimidate people and force their way on a majority that does not agree with their views,” O’Hare said, who does all his shopping at the local KKK arts and crafts show.

Former Massachusetts Governah Mitt Romney, a Mormon running for president, owes the fine upstanding white citizenry of the Commonwealth an apology. Romney, an outspoken opponent of illegal immigration, once fraternized with… (gasp)… Guatemalans. And by ‘fraternized,’ I mean, ‘he let them cut his lawn.’

According to illegal immigrant Rene Alvarez Rosales, he worked in landscaping for Romney for eight years, tending to the 2 1/2-acre grounds at the Governor’s Belmont estate, which included tennis courts, a pool and The Mormon Tabernackle. Romney would greet Rosales with “Buenos Dias,” before telling him to get the hell off his lawn. Mrs. Romney sometimes brought Rosales water, or ‘AGUA,’ so he could keep working through the night on little or no food.

Romney has been accused of employing the services of Community Lawn Service with a Heart, a company which relies heavily on illegal Guatemalan immigrants, pregnant powerwashing nannies, and the occasional blogger. Rosales and other employees said they were never asked for documents and that the owner, Ricardo “Luis” Saenz, knew they were illegal immigrants. Romney certainly never inquired — his only question was, “The little brown boy, is he for sale?”

Asked by a reporter for comment at the Republican Governors Association conference in Miami, Romney replied, “Aw, geez,” and walked away. I know you think I’m making that up. I am not.

Is there any way to deport Rep. Leo Berman back to Crazy Land?

The latest issue of TIME magazine profiles anti-immigration legislation in Texas, focusing on Berman’s bill that would bar U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants from receiving state benefits, such as public assistance, food stamps, and public housing. This bill comes in direct conflict with the 14th amendment which guarantees civil rights to anyone born on U.S. soil, including dumb white folk from Farmers Branch.

The article quotes JOHN COLYANDRO, director of the Texas Conservative Coalition and indicted crook, as saying he expects “quite a bit of legislation” on illegal immigration in 2007. Are they not even going to mention that he’s most likely going to prison for money laundering? If I see that guy at my gym one more time, I’m placing him and his spandex under citizen’s arrest.

Berman argues that two million illegal immigrants in Texas are currently receiving benefits which are not reimbursed by the feds. “This is costing us a fortune,” Berman said, adding that he will challenge automatic birthright of citizenship all the way to the Supreme Court. Berman also cites the fact that the 14th amendment was written after the Civil War to guarantee citizenship for children of slaves — another provision he intends to challenge.

“There are 20 million illegal aliens in the U.S. who have benefits that most U.S. citizens don’t have,” says Berman. “One of the most lucrative benefits is that pregnant illegal aliens can give birth in a U.S. hospital free of charge and be rewarded with citizenship while breaking the most basic of U.S. laws.” Seriously. Could they be any more spoiled? They should be popping out those babies while powerwashing our houses.

As some immigration and Latino activists have suggested, perhaps they could have a Native American speak at a rally, saying he totally agrees with this legislation and that all people born here should return to their countries of origin immediately.