Although I’m still forcing myself to watch the Republican debates, I’m becoming less and less interested as the candidates keep disappearing. I find it depressing that there’s always one less podium and we’re supposed to JUST PRETEND that everything’s normal. Like the person never existed. Now I’m not nearly as attentive as I once was. Instead of inviting people over to watch me scream at the TV and blast out misspelled tweets, I sit there alone, looking up occasionally from my crossword puzzle and sighing.

But last night a new word, courtesy of Mitt Romney, caught my attention: Self-deportation. As in, to deport oneself. It’s brilliant. It puts the onus on those illegals to turn themselves in. When asked last night whether the federal government should be in the business of rounding up undocumented immigrants and deporting them, Romney said he instead favors “self-deportation…which is people decide they can do better by going home because they can’t find work here because they don’t have legal documentation to allow them to work here.” He added that if employers crack down on hiring undocumented workers, then immigrants will leave because they can’t find work. In other news 80 percent of Americans just left the country for their ancestral homelands. (My relatives and I will be sharing an apartment above a pub in County Cork, Ireland.)

Actually self-deportation has been tried before. Under the Bush administration, undocumented immigrants were given up to 90 days to leave the country on their own volition which produced all of eight volunteers.

In order to shed some light on who undocumented workers are, Fox News has put together a celebrity slide show. I believe every single one of these criminals should leave the country immediately, especially Salma Hayek, for Fools Rush In alone.

In the interest of self reporting, Romney has finally released his long-awaited tax returns. Over the years 2010 and 2011, he earned $42.5 million and paid $6.2 million in taxes. That is so unfair. Why do we keep punishing the rich? Romney’s holdings include an undisclosed amount of funds based in the Cayman Islands and, at one time, a Swiss bank account. A Swiss bank account? I thought that was the stuff of Lifetime Friday Night Flicks! Romney’s tax returns also showed that he and his wife contributed $7 million in charity over the two years, mostly to the Mormon church. Good God. So that’s what he’s been hiding. I mean, I give to the Catholic church, not with riches but with my soul. I can’t compete with $7 million.

Editor’s note: I’m off to Florida tonight and plan to pick up where Rand Paul left off, fighting for liberty by refusing a full body pat-down even if they don’t request one. I’ve rarely had issues with security checkpoints but then usually I don’t travel with my laptop. When they ask me to take my laptop out of my bag and place it directly on the conveyor belt, I will scream YOU’D LIKE THAT WOULDN’T YOU and then attempt to outrun the security guards and hide in the gift shop behind the Longhorn stuffed animals.

At a Rick Perry event today in New Hampshire, attendees were being asked to prove that they’re American citizens before being allowed in the door. Don’t judge. At my last dinner party I checked everyone’s ID to make sure they were at least over 35. If they weren’t, I quietly asked them to leave by screaming at them to get the hell out of my house and come back when they’re potty trained. Like I can carry on a conversation staring at a wrinkle-free forehead.

At the town hall event, held at the illustrious Granite State Manufacturing plant, a company employee sat with a Perry staffer at the door and asked attendees to show valid ID, adding that non-citizens wouldn’t be admitted. It seems a little harsh to ask people who are actually taking the time to attend your stupid event to prove their citizenship. I mean, seriously? Perry could use all the help he can get. He should be letting farm animals in at this point to help fill the bleachers.

Perry’s campaign later backtracked saying that it was all a misunderstanding. The defense contracting company clarified that immigrants are allowed on the premises as long as they are accompanied by an employee escort. What, is the Perry team afraid the immigrants will steal their precious campaign schwag? Apparently the governor will give them a college education, just not an extra “Perry 2012″ button.

Leave it to the chair of the Texas Tea Party Caucus Advisory Committee to call out Perry on sanctuary cities. Her name? JoAnn Fleming. Her city? Tyler. Her chief complaint? That Perry hasn’t called the Legislature back for another special session so they can ban so-called “sanctuary cities,” otherwise known as “cities with Hispanics.” Yes, the governor made sanctuary cities one of his emergency issues this year—right up there with mandatory HPV sonograms of pregnant women and making Washington as inconsequential in our lives as possible—but does anyone really expect Perry to risk losing the Hispanic vote by acting like a dick?

“This is an issue that is simmering and bubbling up to the surface,” Fleming said. “We are tired of lip service. We are fed up. We are fed up, too, Gov. Perry.” If there is one person you do not want to piss off, it’s JoAnn Fleming. She’s also involved in about, and I’m estimating here, a gazillion other tea party knock-offs: Texas Tea Party Alliance, Tea Party 911, True the Vote, We the People, Bowie County Patriots, and many more. I don’t know how she does it!

The governor’s office, meanwhile, is blaming the Legislature for the fact that cities continue to harbor illegal immigrants who have the audacity to drive on our streets. I realize that law enforcement was not thrilled with the idea of enforcing the unenforceable but I have no problem doing my part. Why, just the other day, I was driving on I-35 when I spotted an older woman who looked suspiciously not-completely-white. I honked at her to pull over while waving my driver’s license, the universal sign for citizen’s arrest, before realizing it was my mother-in-law. Luckily it was her first offense.

Personally I have no issue with sanctuary cities which afford certain liberties to illegal immigrants. In fact, I’m harboring a few in my house right now and promising them protection if they continue to powerwash my windows for free. The Lege, on the other hand, has a big problem with sanctuary cities, or “cities in which Hispanics reside.” A bill by Rep. Burt Solomons, which would allow law enforcement to inquire about someone’s immigration status, will hit the House floor as early as next week. Meanwhile my proposed bill—which I lobbied tirelessly for—allowing me to ask any legislator whether the black-and-white sketch in my hand is of a young lady or an old woman went nowhere.

Anyway like any non-minority who’s been lawfully detained on occasion, they don’t even have to ask about my citizenship status. I just immediately scream I’M WHITE YOU’RE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE.

This bill is one of Gov. Perry’s “emergency items.” Oh, if only they had figured out a way to combine this one with the other two! We could have had an all-inclusive bill allowing law enforcement to detain anyone who looks like an immigrant, arrest those who don’t have a valid ID, and then perform an invasive sonogram on them after they’ve been strip-searched. Win-win-winning.

A bill filed by Rep. Debbie Riddle would make it a state felony to knowingly hire illegal immigrants. Unless said immigrants happen to be cleaning your house. Because, really, like any of us want to do that kind of work. So outside of The Help, defined as those who work “exclusively or primarily at a single-family residence,” rogue employers could be facing jail time and up to $10,000 in fines. Which begs the question, just how many illegal immigrants are employed by the Debbie Riddle Estate? And how bad off do these immigrants have to be to work for her? Even her staffers who pretend to like her must have been forced into indentured servitude.

Now as we all know, “domestic help” is a rather broad definition. Yes, it could include powerwashing windows, but it could also mean enduring daily verbal abuse, performing solo burlesque shows, and acting as a surrogate.

[Texas Tribune]

Do you have any idea how long we’ve been talking about powerwashing nannies? Click on the aptly-named “illegal pregnant powerwashing nannies” tag.

A new immigration bill is making its way through the Arizona Senate that would prevent illegal immigrants from driving or buying a car, getting married, or sending their children to school. They can’t get married? They can’t all be gay! The Senate also passed a bill that would end automatic citizenship for children born in the U.S. to illegal immigrants. The legislation calls for Arizona to issue two kinds of birth certificates—the first is your standard record documenting the birth of a child, the second is a baby deportation order. Adorable!

Looks like Leo Berman is going to have to up the ante.

I’m very happy to provide a much needed conservative voice to that liberalist of liberal publications, the Texas Observer. Here’s my debut column on anti-immigration bills (or as I like to call them, pro-American bills) in the Legislature, featuring Leo Berman. Pay no attention to the headshot that accompanies the article. I was suffering from acute sinusitis and when they asked me to smile for the photo, I thought they said “look washed-out and sickly” and I was like, no problem! How about I throw in an uncomfortable smile for free? You’re welcome.

The first day of school always comes with some level of trepidation. Will my classmates like me? Will my teacher be nice? Will administrators discover that I’m an illegal alien trying to infiltrate the school system in order to indoctrinate my fellow kindergartners into radical Islamist fundamentalism?

I’m hearing a rumor that the Texas Legislature convenes tomorrow which is weird because I thought we’d decided that we didn’t need a Legislature anymore and we were turning the Capitol into a dance club. But apparently the wreakers of havoc are back and they’ve spent the past year and a half in Crazy Camp. (Worst summer I ever had.)

There’s a lot going on this session. This morning the Comptroller announced that there’s a $27 billion shortfall. Don’t worry. We can figure this out without raising taxes. There are about 25 million people in Texas. So if my calculations are correct, and they rarely are, if we all give about $1,000, we can save our state. Or we can just watch them slash health care and education budgets, which is also fun.

However the major issue this session is immigration and conservative legislators will be looking for ways to strip trained terrorist anchor babies of their citizenship rights. Like the budget shortfall, I have also come up with a solution for this, which I believe even a wretched woman like Debbie Riddle could agree with.

It’s called Anchor Baby Adoption by Concerned Citizens of America.

See, I don’t think anyone has a problem with a cute little (and, possibly, delicious) baby staying in the country. It’s the parents who are having these babies for the SOLE PURPOSE of entering our country that we want to get rid of. Here’s how it works. The mother has her baby, which, under the 14th amendment, is granted automatic citizenship. The parents are immediately deported and the baby is given to a loving family which promises an English-only education, a Christian upbringing, and traditional values. Not only would we be raising a new generation of conservatives; we’d also be raising a new generation of Republican voters. Hispanic Republican voters, really the best kind given the future demographics.

You’re welcome.

On Monday, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II (Good God, there are two?!) issued a legal opinion authorizing law enforcement to check the immigration status of anyone stopped by police officers for any reason. This is outrageous. Like we’re supposed to keep our papers in the glove compartment in between the instructions on how to reset my clock during daylight saving time and our mixed tapes from high school? (Class of ’90! Nothing Compares 2 U!) I’m confident that when my great-grandparents came over from Ireland they had all their papers in order, despite being too drunk to stand.

Previously law enforcement officers were only required to investigate someone’s legal status after they were arrested and jailed. But now they can pull you over and say, You rolled through that stop sign and you look Hispanic. Put your hands where I can see them.

“Our opinion basically said that Virginia law enforcement has the authority to make such inquiries so long as they don’t extend the duration of a stop by any significant degree,” Cuccinelli said at a news conference. “That’s consistent with Supreme Court authority.” As if the duration of a stop isn’t long enough already. I’ve been pulled over for expired inspection stickers before and sat in my car for 30 minutes while the cop checks my records like I’m some kind of terrorist. I AM NOT A TERRORIST. I’m just lazy and care nothing for the environment.

Now the AG’s opinion, which did not include any input from the Virginia Association of Chiefs of Police, goes to Gov. Bob McDonnell for review. If you want to learn more about the very conservative Ken Cuccinelli—the dude has SEVEN CHILDREN—check out the profile of him in the Sunday WashPost magazine. Here’s my favorite part:

Cuccinelli’s boyhood geography was defined by a stretch of Kirby Road in Fairfax, just over the border from Arlington, in a middle-class neighborhood where he spent his days playing pickup sports and roaming the woods. The address was McLean, but given the chance, Cuccinelli would qualify those elite-sounding roots: “I’m from the wrong side of the tracks in McLean.”

The wrong side of the tracks. In McLean. Yeah. I thought I saw you there.

A federal judge has blocked key provisions of Arizona’s immigration law from taking effect on Thursday, including requiring police to try to determine the immigration status of people they stop, detain, or arrest. (I hear if you look at them long enough, you can see it in their eyes.) U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton ruled that it was “not in the public interest” for Arizona to enforce a provision that preempts federal enforcement of immigration law. The injunction also applied to the provision that would require foreigners to carry papers and would make it illegal for undocumented workers to seek employment in public places, such as the lot of Home Depot and Shakespeare in the Park.

Gov. Jan Brewer has already announced her intention to appeal the ruling. “I will battle all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary, for the right to protect the citizens of Arizona,” she said. “Meanwhile, I also know we still have work to do in confronting the fear-mongers, those dealing in hate and lies and economic boycotts that seek to do Arizona harm.” Those like… pop star Justin Bieber, who was in Glendale for a concert last weekend, where he was attacked by a mob of rabid tween fans and a few stray cougars. He tried to flee by Segway but they caught up with him.

Justin Bieber, why do you hate Arizona?

A couple of weeks ago, after the Obama administration announced that it would sue Arizona over its new immigration law, supporters of the law accused the administration of not focusing on the real threat facing this nation: sanctuary cities. To put it another way, cities which provide sanctuary. Which sounds nice at first, kind of a sacred place, until you learn that sacred place is harboring ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. In so-called sanctuary cities (don’t worry, I doubt you’re living in one, unless you live in Dallas, Houston, or Austin), police and other law enforcement officials are not allowed to inquire about someone’s immigration status. This is in stark contrast to Arizona, where your immigration status is branded on your buttocks.

There’s really not much more to say on the legitimacy of sanctuary cities, which makes it a perfect topic for Congressman Lamar Smith and his regurgitative speechifying. (No relation, by the way. Although I can tell you from his surname that he is either British or Irish, which means he’s definitely a drunk and quite possibly illegal.) Smith wrote a nonsensical column for the conservative site Human Events (not to be confused with Human Rights, a gay rights organization for gays) about how the Obama administration is essentially giving sanctuary to lawbreakers and helping to breed future terrorists. Unlike Arizona, which is only helping to breed future Arizonans.

While I don’t know much about Lamar, he did just become a founding member of the Michele Bachmann Tea Party Caucus and, well, what more do you need to know…

Sorry for the late posting. I’m still reeling from last night’s premiere of Mad Men and how Don Draper had to BLANK for BLANK. (No spoilers here.) Seriously, what’s this world coming to when someone like Don Draper has to BLANK for BLANK?

According to an interview with the conservative Matt Lewis over at Politics Daily, Rick Perry wants to meet with President Obama while he’s in Texas to discuss the border. “Obama’s coming in the 9th of August … and Bill White has refused to meet with him,” Perry said. “On the other hand, I want to meet with him.” I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to confuse me. Like when he convinced me to vote in the Republican primary. It won’t work this time because I’m totally not voting. But wait! That’s just what he wants! He wants me to stay home and not vote Democratic! DAMMIT!

Perry said that he hasn’t heard back from Obama yet. “Basically, it’s been a rather large and loud silence.” Maybe he’s just playing hard to get. God knows he already put his heart out there and got burned. Perry goes on to say that he would tell Obama, “Hey, Mr. President. Here’s how you secure the border.” Really? That’s what you’d say? Because I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon to address the president with “Hey.”

At the beginning of the podcast (yes, I listened to it, despite my rule of never listening to coma-inducing podcasts), Perry is asked whether he’s run into any coyotes lately. “Well actually I ran yesterday and, of course it’s pretty hot in Texas so I imagine most of ‘em are laid up.” (Either that or they never existed in the first place.) Then Perry says how it happened in February and the story didn’t break until 60 days later because “someone put it out there.” That “someone” being Perry when he told his story to the AP. Funny how things just get out, isn’t it…

Oh Good God. Who do conservatives hate more? The Gays or The Mexicans? How did they find themselves in this position? (That’s what she said. Insert cheap laugh here. That’s what she said.) A key group of House Democrats Thursday endorsed a piece of immigration legislation granting gay and lesbian Americans the ability to legally bring their FOREIGN PARTNERS into the country. Number one, these people are already from another country. Gay Country. And number two, they’ll almost certainly be stealing jobs from hard-working Americans gainfully employed in the fashion industry and as extras on Glee.

“The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it’s a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh… people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.”—James Earl Jones as Terrence Mann in Field of Dreams, Kevin Costner’s last good movie unless you liked Rumor Has It, which was just one of Jennifer Aniston’s very bad movies. I’m sure there will be more.

As someone who doesn’t care about baseball whatsoever, I kind of liked Field of Dreams. I think it was because of Ray Liotta. Or maybe it was because I thought my backyard might turn into a baseball diamond overnight that would attract hotties. But I’ll tell you what’s not going to attract the hotties. Arizona.

A campaign to move the 2011 All-Star Game out of Phoenix to protest Arizona’s immigration law is gaining speed. Some Major League stars are on board, demonstrators are protesting, and boys across the state are refusing to play catch with their old man. Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Yovani Gallardo, a native of Mexico, said, “If the game is in Arizona, I will totally boycott.” Detroit Tigers relief pitcher Jose Valverde, a native of the Dominican Republic, called the law “the stupidest thing you can ever have.” Who needs Milwaukee and Detroit? I’ve never been to either city and I think my life’s been better for it.

Meanwhile St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa said he’s a “supporter” of Arizona’s immigration law and gave a personal shout out to tea partiers attending one of the games. Well if anyone knows the law, it’s La Russa. In 2007 he was arrested in Jupiter, Florida for DUI when he was found asleep at the wheel of his SUV while at a green light. I sure hope someone checked his papers.

I trust everyone made it through Hurricane Alex. I didn’t want to float away in my car so I left it in my parking garage and attempted to swim home. I’ve never really been a “swimmer” as much as a “hysterical splasher” but I was OK after finding an enormous tree branch to cling to. It was like Waterworld out there. But no matter how bad our state has been hit, I’d still rather live here than in Arizona, where illegal beheaded bodies roam the streets looking for small white children.

Yes, Gov. Jan Brewer is claiming that law enforcement agencies “have found bodies in the desert either buried or just lying out there that have been beheaded.” Naturally this would lead people to believe that the beheadings are just the latest indicator of increased violence on the border, along with a surge in powerwashing nannies. The only problem with her story is that law enforcement agencies are saying that hasn’t happened. Hey. Genius. When a governor says she wants headless corpses, YOU GIVE HER HEADLESS CORPSES.

County medical examiners concur, saying they have yet to encounter an immigration-related crime in which the victim’s head was cut off. They have, however, seen plenty of patients with alcohol poisoning, most of whom have tried to drink themselves into a stupor to forget that they live in Arizona. Brewer also claimed that 87 percent of illegal border crossers have criminal records and that the majority of illegal immigrants are “drug mules” being used to smuggle narcotics into the country. Not to mention the fact that they’re impregnating their women so as to breed future drug mules.

[Politico]

Kentucky Republican Senatorial hopeful Rand Paul is proposing an underground electric fence to be built along the U.S.-Mexico border to help stem illegal immigration or, if that doesn’t work, to at least keep family pets from leaving the property. (I still have no idea how that works. Do dogs actually suffer electric shocks if they try to leave the front yard? What happened to just tying dogs to trees, along with errant toddlers?)

Sen. John Cornyn, when asked about the proposed construction of an underground electric fence, assumed it was a joke. “I have not heard that,” Cornyn said. “Underground? What would happen? How would that work?” Not even John Cornyn is taking this idea seriously. That should tell you something about Rand. Like the fact that he’s so much more awesome than Cornyn! On his website, Paul details his plans to “include an underground electric fence, with helicopter stations to respond quickly to breaches of the border.” Once more into the breach!

Republican Congressional candidate Tom Mullins of New Mexico did Paul one better when he expressed support for a proposal to place land mines along the border. Just goes to show—you can always top crazy.

[HuffPost]

Was I really the only one who didn’t like District 9, featuring disenfranchised oversized prawns, the images of which have forever ruined shrimp cocktail for me? Last year I convinced my father to go see it with me, promising him that it had gotten rave reviews for its interpretation of apartheid in South Africa. Needless to say, he will never trust my movie judgment again. (That’s OK. He dragged me to Chariots of Fire when I was just a kid and I ended up falling asleep on the theater floor in a pool of popcorn butter.)

District 9 is a slum which houses the aliens, or “prawns,” before they are to be forcibly relocated to internment camps. (I would hardly call this a “sci-fi thriller” as much as a “romantic comedy.”) Now that same movie is coming to Arizona! On Tuesday, state treasurer Dean “That’s Amore” Martin, a Republican candidate for governor, called for the creation of statewide “tent cities” to house illegal immigrants “expected to be arrested” under the new immigration law. Martin says he envisions camp-like accommodations, minus the bunks, showers, and toilets.

Martin aims to model the camps after the already existing tent city jails in Arizona’s Maricopa County. The sheriff there, Joe Arpaio, set up an extension of the county jail in a yard next to the prison. This is all sorts of awesome because the only place hotter than Texas is Arizona. What are you bitching about? As Arpaio said in response to criticism, “It’s 120 degrees in Iraq and the soldiers are living in tents, have to wear full body armor, and they didn’t commit any crimes, so shut your mouths.” That’s right, immigrants! You think it’s hot here? Wait until you’re back in Mexico or wherever the hell you came from!

[Politico]

That’s right, Arizona.They can’t go for that.

Hall & Oates has canceled its concert at Chase Field to protest Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a bitch, girl. Looks like the Diamondbacks will have to get a new duo to perform after their game against the Dodgers on July 2. I hear Kid ‘n Play might be available.

Hall and Oates issued the following statement:

“In addition to our personal convictions, we are standing in solidarity with the music community in our boycott of performing in Arizona at this time. We would like to emphasize that this has nothing to do with the management of the Arizona Diamondbacks, who have been professional and cooperative throughout our dealings with them. This is our response to a very specific action of the state.”

CEO and president of the Diamondbacks Derrick Hall said the team understands. “The cancellation of this post-game concert is another example of how controversial this issue is,” he said. “Still, I wish they would say it isn’t so.”

Rock ‘n Soul Part 1 was one of my first albums (released 1983), followed by Wham Make It Big (1984) and the Go-Go’s Talk Show (1984). I remember dancing around to our stereo by myself because my older sisters completely ignored me except to tell me to get out of their rooms. I guess you could say that Daryl Hall and John Oates (of bad plastic surgery fame) helped shape who I am today. Almost as much as the Christian pop “I Am a Promise” Bill Gaither Trio. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Oh COME ON Arizona. Did you just wake up one day and say to yourself, time to let the crazy out? Because even if you’re a fan of the state’s new immigration law—and really, who isn’t—you have to admit after watching this CNN iReport that these people are a national disgrace. As entertaining as they may be, I can’t believe I have to share the Earth with them. I watched the video at full volume, my mouth agape, my finger pointing to the screen as I looked around to see if I could show anyone else. Then I thought of the craziest people I know, not counting myself, and realized that next to these people, they’d come off as practically normal. And that’s including my uncle who dresses in women’s clothing.

At the rally, the speaker keeps saying “this is not about race,” which means it’s about race, and “this is not about hate,” which means it’s about hate. It’s kind of like when someone says “it’s not you, it’s me,” which means it’s totally you, probably because he’s found someone with bigger breasts. One man in the video says that “the entitlements are through the roof, and my kid can’t even get a scholarship to go to college, and I’m sending an illegal alien for a full ride at Texas A&M.” Meanwhile, a guy wearing a cap and gown is holding a sign that says “Hire our students not illegal’s.” THERE’S NO APOSTROPHE THERE MORON. (As a former English major, errant apostrophes are one of my biggest pet peeves. Like “you’re” versus “your” and “it’s” versus “its.” Buy a style manual if you have to.)

Back to the speaker. “Can you hear us Mexico, now? Because this land is NOT your land. What part of ‘no mas’ do you ‘no comprende’?” Wait. That sounds an awful lot like espagnol. He’s probably one of those illegal’s. Get him.

**video removed because it kept automatically loading and I had no idea how to get it to stop**

I don’t know if you’ve heard but NBC is canceling Law & Order. Which means that my lifelong dream of writing for them is now dead. I think I’ll just add that to my file of “lifelong dreams now dead.” I mean, how can they do that?! Law & Order has been nothing but good to them for 20 seasons. And yet, Biggest Loser was spared. Just what I want to see. A bunch of morbidly obese people weighing in every week while personal trainers scream at them. I’ve seen that show before. It’s called “my gym.” (Fine. That’s not true. My gym is full of anorexics who sit in the sauna for hours trying to sweat off every last pound. Now there’s a show for you.)

Segue, segue, segue… How about, “High school girls basketball players boycott Arizona.” Does that work? Apparently Highland Park High School in Illinois has canceled a trip to Arizona for a tournament because of the new immigration law. The assistant superintendent says that the trip would not be aligned with the school’s “beliefs and values.” According to Suzan Hebson, “We would want to ensure that all of our students had the opportunity to be included and be safe and be able to enjoy the experience.” Clearly they have been recruiting illegal Mexicans to join the team. I mean, what? This may be one of the lamest boycotts I’ve ever heard of. Even lamer than the time I boycotted Central Market for their discriminatory “parents with small children” parking spaces.

Obviously this is all incredibly unfair to the girls, who have been selling cookies for months to raise money for their trip. They’ve been selling cookies? That’s ridiculous. They live in Highland Park. Their parents could fly them to Arizona on private jets. In McLean, VA, on the other hand, the cheerleading squad had to raise money to attend the national championship in Dallas through topless car washes. But don’t worry. We weren’t really showing our non-cleavage. We just didn’t wash the tops of their cars! Oh my God! Genius marketing for such young girls!

If anyone could make sense of this situation, it’s our favorite former high school basketball player from Alaska, Ms. Sarah Palin. Here’s what she had to say on Facebook:

This has-been ball player/Wasilla Warrior would like to send a shout out of support to the Highland Park High School Giants Girls Basketball Team in Illinois. These girls have been working, having bake sales, and saving money for months in order [to] play in a hoop tournament in Arizona. They’ve won their school’s first conference title in 26 years, but now because a school bureaucrat wants to play politics, they’re not allowed to play ball. Keeping girls off the court for political reasons? As I said last night in Illinois: Them’s fightin’ words.

The assistant superintendent claims that a trip to Arizona “would not be aligned with our beliefs and values.” But apparently the school has no problem sending kids on trips to China, which has a population control policy that is anti-girl in practice, contributing to female infanticide and abandonment and sex-selective abortions. So, is China with its many serious human rights violations (too many to list here) aligned with the values and beliefs of the school? But our sister-state of Arizona is not? Really?

In the meantime, let’s help the girls go rogue and go play ball. Please take a look at this Facebook page set up on their behalf.

Let’s have our own bake sale! Let the girls play ball!

I’m not sure what a nationwide bake sale can do but I’m game. WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE? Go home and make some brownies. (I’m sorry. That’s inappropriate. Blondies.)

[Ben Smith]