I won’t bore you with the details of my lingering whooping cough except to say that more than one neighbor has come by to inquire about the dying seal I’m harboring in my spare bedroom. During this period of self-imposed quarantine, I have been able to stay current with all of the news thanks to the Situation Room and Anderson Cooper’s Ridiculist. But one story caught my eye that didn’t get the proper press it deserved in between contraception and vaginal probes.

On Tuesday Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell signed a law to repeal the one-handgun-per-month purchase limit that was enacted back in 1993. You might be saying, that’s outrageous! Who needs more than one gun per month? To which I would respond, why do you hate the Second Amendment, you commie? If anything, there should be a MINIMUM purchase of three guns per month. How else will our brave militias fight the tyranny? (Incidentally this law only applies to handguns, not rifles or shotguns which you can still buy in bulk. However like you I feel my rights are being taken away from me, bit by bit.)

The law was originally enacted after a federal study found that two out of five handguns taken from New York City crime scenes were purchased in Virginia, meaning that Virginia was not just for lovers, but also for gunrunners (the back-up bumper sticker). Apparently families of the victims from the Virginia Tech massacre met with the governor to plead with him to veto the repeal. Whatever. Like they can possibly understand. How much of an idiot is this guy? The Ohio high school shooting happened on Monday. And the very next day he signs this bill? Who does that? I’ll tell you who does that. A guy hoping to get on the Republican ticket. Because this is just the kind of thing Republican voters like to see in their candidates: Lunacy.

In response to the tragedy in Tucson, Texas lawmakers have decided that enough is enough. How many more senseless shootings must this country experience before addressing the real problem? Gun laws are too strict. Simply put, we need more guns in the hands of more people.

A bill pending in the Legislature, sponsored by Sen. Glenn Hegar, would amend current gun laws to allow employees to carry legally-owned concealed handguns in their cars on their employer’s property. Which is great because there’s really nothing like using a busy parking lot for target practice during lunch. I mean, where are these people working that they feel compelled to bring their firearms with them? Kabul? Or running on a coyote-infested trail in the suburbs?

But let’s remember that such a law is vital to protecting our Second Amendment rights.

“Law-abiding citizens, people who have no desire to do any harm to others except than to have their legal firearms in their vehicle which no one knows is even there doesn’t harm anyone,” Hegar said. “They simply want to protect themselves. Those people are being punished. Who we have to focus on are people who are criminals. Those who want to do harm. Those who have deranged thoughts who want to kill people on a shooting spree.”

Well that doesn’t really matter when some psychotic can easily pass a background check,  legally purchase a Glock, and then walk into a Walmart to pick up some ammo on his way to assassinate a congresswoman and anyone who gets in his way. Luckily, according to Hegar, only law-abiding citizens in Texas will carry guns.

As the AP’s Jay Root reported yesterday, it is no longer recommended to enter the Texas Capitol without a gun. Mainly because you’ll look like some kind of peacenik loser and everyone else will look cool twirling their guns—side spins, helicopters, butterflies, flip to the barrels, you name it. What are you going to do if a fight breaks out, hit people with that non-profit folder of crap you were going to give to your state legislator so he could throw it away as soon as you walked out the door?

Apparently gun nuts have found a loophole in a new security procedure, which basically equates a concealed weapon permit or a gun with an all-access pass to get into the Capitol, bypassing those annoying security lines and the metal detectors. The purpose of metal detectors is now, what, screening out the junior high kid with braces? The 98-year-old WWII veteran with an artificial hip? Seriously? Because you know how hard it would be for a crazed psychopath to get a fake permit and a gun. And how on earth are you going to tell the difference between a state legislator and a crazed psychopath?

This is like when I’m trying to get through airport security and they pull me aside (me!) to wand me. And everyone looks at you like you’re some kind of criminal. It’s humiliating. Meanwhile terrorist babies in their strollers pass right through because they look OH SO innocent.

Mike Cox, owner of a shooting range south of Austin, says this has all been great for business. “There’s been a burst of interest. They want to get that express tag to gain entrance to the Capitol,” Cox said. “It’s their job. They don’t want to be impeded by visitors on busy days when there’s a lot of tourists.” Lobbyists, lawyers, and journalists have flooded his 10-hour classes to get their permit. Ten hours? Is this some kind of sick joke? So basically you learn how to responsibly handle firearms in one day. (You also have to pass a test, undergo a background check, and get fingerprinted. The background check is what dissuaded me.)

This may be the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while. Let me get this straight. People with guns get to walk right into the Capitol. People without guns have to wait to go through the metal detectors. Because, clearly, the guy with all those nickels in his pocket is the greater threat.

I haven’t really been paying much attention to the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings because 1) it’s already a done deal, and 2) unless Kagan’s heading a soccer ball, I’m not interested (Ghana and Uruguay currently tied 1-1, my Deutsche Mark’s on Germany to take all). But when I heard that my good friend Orrin Hatch had decided to vote against her, it was enough to make me google the matter while still watching World Cup on my laptop.

Hatch announced Friday that he would oppose Kagan on the heels of the NRA’s threat that they would withhold endorsements from senators who supported her. Hey, if a man with a gun is telling me to do something, I’m probably going to do it. Unless I think that I can take him. I may be small but I’m scrappy, kind of like Lisbeth Salander. Hatch already received a warning from the NRA after he voted to confirm Kagan as solicitor general. (They shot at him but just grazed the ear. Next time, Senator, they won’t miss.)

In a letter to the Senate Judiciary Committee, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre wrote that Kagan’s political career has demonstrated a “clear hostility” toward gun rights and that she does not support the Second Amendment. Plus she’s been known to wear sweatpants on the weekends. But things are not all good in NRA world. Some conservatives are criticizing the organization for negotiating with Democrats on campaign finance disclosure laws. Enter the Gun Owners of America, which accuses the NRA of “selling out freedom to the Democrats” on its website. Yes! A group even nuttier than the NRA!

Speaking of freedom, have a happy 4th. Gone are the days of my youth when we set off fireworks in my backyard without a care in the world. I don’t think you can even buy sparklers anymore. But you can shoot off guns. What a country! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make sure that my neighbors all have flags hanging outside their doors. If they don’t, I have created yard signs that say, HERE LIVES A NON-PATRIOT.

[FOX News]

Linda Davidson-The Washington Post

Am I supposed to look at this photo and take these open-carry people seriously? I mean, first and foremost, we’ve got the guy with the long denim shorts/women’s culottes and an AK-47 strapped to his back. (No, I’m not sure if it’s an AK-47 since I’m not a gunrunner. It could be a shoulder-launched missile weapon.) Then you’ve got the guy wearing a boot because he probably shot himself in the foot. Finally you have the little girl sitting on the ground right next to the guy with the gun. Who brings a child to a gun rally? Was this a homeschool-approved field trip?

Yes, self proclaimed patriots, some organized by the group “Restore the Constitution,” held gun rights rallies in Virginia and DC today so they could celebrate Confederate History Month by starting a revolution fought entirely by men in jean shorts.

Don’t you think someone should have told the organizers that today is also the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing, an act of terrorism committed by an ex-military pro-militia pro-gun rights anti-government zealot? Just a thought. No, I don’t want to take your guns, I’m sure you need them for hunting feral cats but consider the lineup at one of the rallies:

…several heroes of the militia movement, including [former Alabama Minutemen leader] Mike Vanderboegh, who advocated throwing bricks through the windows of Democrats who voted for the health-care bill; Tom Fernandez, who has established a nationwide call tree to mobilize an armed resistance to any government order to seize firearms; and former Arizona sheriff Richard Mack, who refused to enforce the Brady law and then won a Supreme Court verdict that weakened its background-check provisions.

Vanderboegh told the crowd armed confrontation should be reserved only for instances of the government threatening people’s lives. However, he said it might be justified if people face arrest for refusing to buy insurance under the health care reform package recently passed by Congress. “If I know I’m not going to get a fair trial in federal court … I at least have the right to an unfair gunfight,” he said.

Attica! Attica!

I’m always happy to report on my home state of Virginia, which has, of course, been buried under snow for like the last 30 days. I called my sister to make sure she was OK and she said they’d run out of bottled water but they still had wine so yes, everything was fine. I am actually pretty jealous of all the snow they’re getting because in the last 10 years that I’ve lived in Austin we’ve had, like, a few days of sleet. And two snowflakes. For those of you who have never experienced a real winter, you totally missed out and you should call your parents right now and blame them for the fact that you’re in therapy because they kept you in a hot place with no seasons your entire childhood.

But Virginia isn’t all that different from Texas. The state senate there just voted to allow concealed weapons permit holders to carry guns in restaurants—but only ones which serve alcohol. Because that’s much, much safer. Also, the carrier is not allowed to drink. That’s cool because now you can have a designated driver and a designated shooter. And, you know, it’s so easy to tell if the person with the concealed weapon is drinking.

The bill passed on a 22 to 18 vote following a debate over whether someone might have a reasonable reason to carry guns in restaurants. Dude. Have you been to a Macaroni Grill lately? I’m going to tell you one more time, STOP WRITING UPSIDE DOWN ON MY TABLECLOTH WITH CRAYON. The sponsor of the bill, Sen. Emmett Hanger, said he was doing this because people are violating the law by carrying their guns into restaurants anyway, instead of leaving them in their cars. Hanger added that women need to be able to protect themselves against their fellow diners, especially when they’re on their period.

[WashPost]

Finally the NRA has come up with a way to get liberal commies on their side. Cheap wine. DAMN IT. That’s like our kryptonite! Apparently there’s an exclusive NRA Wine Club for gun-totin’ pinot lovers like yourself, and they’re offering a special deal to new customers: six wines for $6.99 a bottle and free shipping and a free welcome gift! Your very own semi-automatic! Granted, you can get $7 wine now. I’m sure your friends appreciate that Yellow Tail ass-shiraz you keep bringing over.

Some of the fine wines offered by the NRA Club include a Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon, a Chalk Hill Chardonnay, an Italian Pinot Grigio, and a Russian River Valley Pinot Noir. Hurt me. But wait! There’s more! Showing that he’s not all armed and dangerous, a kinder, gentler Wayne LaPierre will personally throw in a deluxe wood custom NRA-engraved Wine Box so you can show your dinner guests how classy you are.

And, while you’re enrolling in the Wine Club, take a look around at all the special gifts the NRA has to offer, like these precious NRA bibs. Nothing says adorable like baby-killer-in-training.

There’s “I’m opposed to the public option” and then there’s “Obama’s a socialist.” There’s “We’re turning into Germany” and then there’s “Obama’s a Nazi.” There’s “You lie!” and then there’s “Die!” You see, there are different shades of crazy, and some are more dangerous than others. For example, wearing a glittery flag t-shirt is one thing. Carrying a loaded gun to an Obama speech is another. Carrying two loaded guns to an Obama speech is cause for involuntary hospitalization.

Over the weekend, the president was in Minneapolis to hold a rally for his health care plan. Josh Hendrickson, one of the ever-present protesters, brought his .40 caliber Glock 22 handgun in a holster and a smaller Kel Tec 380 in a pocket. JUST IN CASE. “The Second Amendment isn’t suspended just because the president’s in town,” he told the Star Tribune. The 32-year-old Hendrickson was questioned by Secret Service but was let go after he showed his license to carry a concealed weapon.

Wait. It gets better. Hendrickson, who works as a security guard, had just been released from jail on an assault charge for pepper-spraying a customer at a Cub Foods. WHO GETS PEPPER SPRAYED AT CUB FOODS GROCERY?! Someone who samples illegally from the bulk foods section? Intrigued, I did a Google search on Hendrickson (yes, this is what investigative journalism has come to) and found a comment from him on a City Pages blog post. I clicked on his name and it took me to True Patriots Network. There’s a photo of him with his four unfortunate children, and an explanation:

I was NOT fired from my security job for the “pepper spray incident.” I left a month later, that’s right, I quit! You want to know the truth? It’s not me that used excessive force at that location in Brooklyn Center. I’ve seen and I know who has done much, much worse. I did not carry on Saturday to make a point. I went to observe and report. If I were to have carried to make a point, I would have carried openly, not concealed. What do people miss about this!?

DUH. Now, I don’t consider myself a paranoid person. But this kind of crazy is catching. I was reading my Vanity Fair last night when something struck me in the cover story on a book by William Manchester about the JFK assassination:

“In that third year of the Kennedy presidency,” Manchester wrote, “a kind of fever lay over Dallas country. Mad things happened. Huge billboards screamed, ‘Impeach Earl Warren.’ Jewish stores were smeared with crude swastikas.…Radical Right polemics were distributed in public schools; Kennedy’s name was booed in classrooms; corporate junior executives were required to attend radical seminars.” A retired major general ran the American flag upside down, deriding it as “the Democrat flag.”

A wanted poster with J.F.K.’s face on it was circulated, announcing “this man is Wanted” for—among other things—“turning the sovereignty of the US over to the Communist controlled United Nations” and appointing “anti-Christians … aliens and known Communists” to federal offices. And a full-page advertisement had appeared the day of the assassination in The Dallas Morning News accusing Kennedy of making a secret deal with the Communist Party; when it was shown to the president, he was appalled. He turned to Jacqueline, who was visibly upset, and said, “Oh, you know, we’re heading into nut country today.”

Manchester discovered that in a wealthy Dallas suburb, when told that President Kennedy had been murdered in their city, the students in a fourth-grade class burst into applause. Manchester would come to believe that Dallas’s charged political climate had been a factor in the assassination, helping to further unhinge the already unstable Lee Harvey Oswald.

The visceral hatred we’ve been seeing lately is starting to seriously freak me out. People like Hendrickson are f*cking nuts. And they’re just multiplying.

John Cornyn announced today that he will vote against Sonia Sotomayor because she refused to provide any ID when Cornyn stopped by her house last night. Actually, according to the senator, he couldn’t in good conscience vote for the appellate court judge because he’s still wondering, “Who is the real Judge Sonia Sotomayor?” Has he been sleeping through the confirmation hearings? Does he really not know who she is? In his defense, do any of us really know anybody else? Sometimes I ask myself, Who is the real Eileen Smith, but then I get depressed because the real Eileen Smith is supposed to be a famous novelist right now, not a drunken has-been blogger with a possible stomach ulcer. (Seriously, who throws up in a cab? I’m an embarrassment to my family.)

Cornyn said that he’s come to this courageous decision with “regret and some sadness,” no doubt bemoaning the fact that although his constituents are one-third Hispanic, his party is 100 percent crazy. And as the chair of the NRSC, he has to side with crazy. “Voting to confirm a judge—this judge or any judge—despite doubts would certainly be the politically expedient thing to do, but I don’t believe it would be the right thing to do,” he said, adding that “the stakes are too high” to support a nominee who might approach gun and property rights “from a liberal, activist, and—let’s face it—Hispanic perspective.”

However, Cornyn says he wishes her the best and knows that Sotomayor will be “an inspiration to many young people in the Hispanic community and beyond. And that’s why I’m voting against her.”

The NRA has launched a new ad campaign featuring “those people” (KIDDING!), outfitted in camouflage from head to toe, clinging to their guns and huntin’ for Obama. When I first watched this ad, starring a Virginian (obviously not from NOVA), I laughed aloud. How ridiculous! I thought. I yelled for my co-workers to come into my office and watch, but they ignored me as usual. Well, JOKE’S ON THEM because I have adult beverages on ice back here.

I watched it a second time, brow furrowed, contemplating the audience that this ad was targeting (OMG!) and wondering if this would just leave them gunning (LOL!) for more. The third time I watched it, I started to feel nauseous, as if I might vomit up the cheddar goldfish I had just stuffed into my mouth.

The first part starts off with an angry looking hunter filling up his gas tank. Then the ad flashes grainy Obama images on the screen, accompanied with what sounds like a couple gun shots. If you pause it there at just the right spot, Obama looks red while a big fat BAN overlays his picture. Next we see the hunter addressing the camera asking, “Where is this guy from?!” Well, apparently, from somewhere other than BatShitCrazyVille.

He goes on, “He’s probably never been hunting a day in his life,” while putting his arm around his camo-clad son and camo-clad dog. Finally, the scary part. The hunter trampling through the woods, his gun at the ready, scanning the trees for… the black man.

(More videos here.)

The tagline: “Defend Freedom. Defeat Obama.”

The Supreme Court today overturned D.C.’s restrictive ban on handguns, 5-4, because what D.C. really needs to make the city safer is MORE FIREARMS. This is the first time that the Court has affirmed the individual right to possess a gun. Thank God. I was so sick of carrying around my taser.

The D.C. ban had prohibited residents from keeping handguns in their homes, and required legal guns like hunting rifles to be registered and kept unloaded in a locked area. Good news for families with kids! Who wants to play tea party when you can play target practice?

Naturally the McCain campaign immediately seized on the issue to paint Obama as just another elitist gun-hating, white-talking, polysyllable-using, goat-cheese-eating liberal who wants to take away the right to bear arms and shoot innocent people by mistake. The RNC plans to use Obama’s position on gun control in rural battleground states to portray him as “the most anti-gun candidate in American presidential history.”

The Obama campaign, meanwhile, is distancing itself from a statement the candidate made last year to the Chicago Tribune that “Obama believes the D.C. handgun law is constitutional.” Spokesman Bill Burton said that the statement “was not worded as well as it could have been,” adding that Obama “loves guns.”

In a previous interview, Obama had this to say: “I think it’s important for us to recognize that we’ve got a tradition of handgun ownership and gun ownership generally… I think there is nothing wrong with a community saying we are going to take those illegal handguns off the streets, we are going to trace more effectively how these guns are ending up on the streets, to unscrupulous gun dealers, who oftentimes are selling to straw purchasers. And cracking down on the various loopholes that exist in terms of background checks for children, the mentally ill.”

Nothing wrong with that. I think Obama should stand by it, making a clear distinction between McCain’s opposition to the D.C. gun ban, and Obama’s rational stance.

McCain released a statement saying, “Unlike the elitist view that believes Americans cling to guns out of bitterness, today’s ruling recognizes that gun ownership is a fundamental right — sacred, just as the right to free speech and assembly.”

Sacred, even! OK, let’s hear from gun owners out there. I know DMWP packs heat — and sometimes she even carries a gun. LOL!

In the sleepy town of Pasadena, about 15 miles outside Houston, 61-year-old Joe Horn shot and killed two men who broke into his neighbor’s house. Well, you can’t blame him. Except YES YOU CAN. Who does he think he is, Spencer For Hire?

When Horn saw the intruders, Miguel Antonio DeJesus and Diego Ortiz, break his neighbor’s window in broad daylight, he knew he had to shoot them. First and foremost, because they’re Hispanic and probably illegal. When he saw the men leaving the house with a “bag of loot” (what is this, Bonnie and Clyde?), Horn called 911.

“Don’t go outside the house,” the operator pleaded. “You’re going to get yourself shot if you go outside that house with a gun. I don’t care what you think.”

“You want to make a bet?” Horn answered. “I’m going to kill them.”

Wow. I hope that operator didn’t take that bet because she would be SO SCREWED and, most likely, out of $50.

Several of Horn’s neighbors are praising him as a hero for protecting the neighborhood and sending a message to criminals. His attorney added that Horn feared for his life. Shooting men in the back?! That’s not fear, man. That’s a border patrol agent.

After the 911 dispatcher repeatedly pleaded with Horn not to leave his house and shoot the intruders, Horn grabbed his 12-gauge shotgun, left his house, and shot the intruders.

“Well, here it goes, buddy,” Horn told the dispatcher as he loaded his gun. “You hear the shotgun clicking, and I’m going.”

“Move,” Horn can be heard saying on the tape. “You’re dead.”

Horn is heard shooting the men on the tape. “I had no choice,” he told the dispatcher. “They came in the front yard with me, man. I had no choice. Get somebody over here quick.” Well, that’s true. He had no choice. Except HE TOTALLY DID.

Horn’s lawyer, Tom Lambright, said that his client is fat and middle-aged, and would have been no match in a physical confrontation with the two young men armed with butterfly knives. So he fired in self-defense.

I can’t wait to cruise the East Side as a vigilante and break kneecaps.

I spoke on BBC World earlier today in my capacity as Pink Lady concerning teachers carrying guns to school. For those of you who are shocked, I assure you I am very popular in Europe – almost as beloved as David Hasselhoff.

The BBC contacted me after finding my thought-provoking post on Shirley Katz, the Oregon high school English teacher who wanted to bring her concealed weapon on campus. As you can imagine, I prepared for my radio debut for days, drinking hot tea with honey to protect my delicate voice, studying up on gun rights and the second amendment, and going through several drafts of Q&A with a red pen.

Total airtime: 35 seconds. Something tells me they weren’t impressed with my faux British accent.

Here’s a brief transcript. (If you want to listen, go here and click on “Listen again – Tuesday.” It’s about 30 minutes in, when everyone has already stopped listening.)

BBC: Let’s start with Eileen, who’s a blogger in Texas, writes at In the Pink Texas.com if you want to read her thoughts. Hi Eileen.

Me: Hi! How are you? (My heart’s already racing. OH MY GOD I’M ON LIVE RADIO.)

BBC: What would you like to say to Shirley Katz?

Me: (She’s still on?! The BBC set me up!) Oh, hi Shirley! Um… I just… your story really interested me. I have, like, a parody website so whenever these stories come up I can look into them, and, I am from Texas, and Texans certainly love their guns (chuckle), um… but not even Texas, we don’t allow guns in school. So I’m just… I guess… there are 37 states that don’t allow guns in schools, and I wonder why you think that, you know, teachers should have this right although it might not be exactly for the safety of students. Or why do you think carrying a gun makes these students safer?

OH MY GOD STOP TALKING.

Shirley: Well, I think if we look at… history has taught us that looking at the school shootings that have taken place, when those shooters went into those schools, they went in knowing that there wouldn’t be anyone there who would be able to shoot back… without being challenged by someone… I want to establish that teachers have that right to carry concealed, that alone will be a deterrent to anyone coming in our building.

Me: Um… don’t you think that perhaps gun control would be a better answer? I mean, for instance, so guns don’t fall into the wrong hands instead of trying to, you know, have teachers carry guns or allow guns in schools, um, that we actually strengthen the gun control laws.

Ummmmmmm, I seriously need some broadcast tips.

A high school English teacher in Oregon wants to be able to take her gun to class with her, along with her tattered copy of Beowulf, playful kitten vest and scented love letters to the sophomore boy she is currently sleeping with.

The teacher, Shirley Katz, is challenging the school district’s ban on guns as unlawful, since Oregon allows people with a permit to carry concealed weapons into public buildings. Katz says she needs to pack heat because she’s afraid of her ex-husband and wants to be able to waste him if he steps foot on campus.

“This is primarily about my Second Amendment right and Oregon law and the simple fact that I know it is my right to carry that gun,” said Katz, 44. “I have that (concealed weapons) permit. I refuse to let my ex-husband bully me. And I am not going to let the school board bully me, either.”

The naive South Medford high school superintendent insists that students and teachers are safer without guns but Katz isn’t buying it. Although she won’t reveal whether she has ever taken her 9 mm Glock to school, she practices with it on a regular basis, mostly in her backyard on cardboard faces of her ex-husband.

Katz says that, in the event of an emergency, she would keep her students out of the line of fire by locking them in nearby offices. Some students, however, are uncomfortable with the thought of a mentally unstable pistol-toting teacher. Meanwhile, the school is allowing students to transfer out of Katz’s class.

After all this, Katz says she may not even bring her gun to school. “The whole point of carrying concealed is no one should know you’re carrying,” she said. “So I feel like my carrying concealed on campus now sets me up as a target.”

You can’t blame Katz for wanting to carry her gun. The nuns at my school (who have since been evicted to pay for the pedophile lawsuits) used to carry rulers around so they could draw blood by rapping our knuckles if we couldn’t recite the Prayer of Confession from memory.

It was only a matter of time.

Gov. Rick Perry and some Republican legislators want to repeal a state law prohibiting firearms on college campuses. This would mean that university professors and students who hold licenses to carry guns would be allowed to pack heat on campus. Should make for interesting frat parties. Ka. Pow.

In a news conference Monday, Perry said, “I think it’s time for us to have that debate in Texas… It makes sense for Texans to be able to protect themselves from deranged individuals.” Perry added that allowing firearms in middle schools would be the next logical step. “If I can’t protect sixth-graders from cervical cancer, I’ll be damned if I can’t protect them from gun-wielding playground bullies.”

Since the Virginia Tech shootings, many opportunistic elected officials have proposed arming students to prevent another tragedy. Because, really, guns in the hands of 18-year-olds will be the only way to ensure safety on college campuses. A massive shoot-out in a dormitory? What could possibly go wrong?

Rep. Joe Driver said that some of the killings at Virginia Tech could have been stopped if another law-abiding student was armed. Or, perhaps, they could have been prevented by tighter gun control laws that don’t allow a mentally disturbed man to purchase guns over the Internet. Of course, the NRA has defeated legislation that would have created a mandatory 30-day waiting period before purchasing a gun, along with required background checks at gun shows. But who can wait 30 DAYS for a gun?

Thank Patrick Rose.

By TJ Shroat

I don’t like writing the not-funny, I don’t like writing earnestly and I don’t typically post debate agar. Making sense of the Virginia Tech shooting continues to be an exercise in maddening futility for me. I wish I didn’t feel compelled to read all I can about the perpetrator. I wish I didn’t feel compelled to publicly vent my frustrations. Blame Eileen for continuing to give me a forum.

Are sociopaths born or made? The early information seems to indicate that we won’t be able to blame this one on movies, video games or Marilyn Manson, as Cho didn’t seem to be particularly fixated on media of any type. His writings were infantile and incomprehensible. His video manifesto was rambling and nonsensical. Initially, I was inclined to blame a general lack of empathy that I perceive as a growing trend in those born after 1980 (Yes, I know how that makes me sound).

We live in a culture that increasingly creates an expectation for wealth, fame and happiness but says nothing about the importance of connecting with other people. I’d like to blame his parents, though as Korean nationals, they may not have been culturally equipped to recognize or understand their son’s withdrawal from the rest of society. Perhaps an autopsy will reveal a brain tumor, a la Charles Whitman, and then we can all shrug and feel some vindication.

More than anything, I didn’t want to blame guns. As horrific as mass shootings are, they are still relatively rare and not confined to our country. The 32 deaths associated with this event aren’t statistically significant in a country averaging ~11,000 shooting deaths a year. Those thousands of annual deaths, more by far than any other industrialized nation, should be the starting point for a debate on gun control. And yet, gun control advocates only seem willing to enter the debate after events of this magnitude. That being the case, I’d like to hope that Virginia Tech will be the tipping point event that leads to dramatic change.

My Bona Fides: I hunt, not avidly, but at least every other year. I like firing shotguns. I like blowing doves and ducks out of the sky. I have no desire to kill mammals, but I’m glad I know deer hunters, because venison tastes good.

The 2nd Amendment: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Gun advocates tend to forget the militia clause when reciting this amendment. I’ll ignore it as well. However, “shall not be infringed” has never been interpreted to mean that we can own any Arms we want.

My Solution: Ban all concealable firearms. All of them. No more sales of pistols of any sort. Those already in circulation would now be illegal. Turn them in and get either a tax credit or a pump-action shotgun for home defense. Citizens caught with banned firearms, provided they are otherwise law abiding, would forfeit those firearms and be issued a citation. Companies manufacturing handguns would still be able to sell them to law enforcement and military customers.

Allowable: Shotguns or bolt-action rifles which hold no more than three shells or bullets. That covers all hunters, other than a handful of dangerous duffers. That should also cover home defense. I’ve tried hard to imagine a real life scenario (as opposed to a movie scenario) in which a person engaged in home defense needs 15 shots from a semiautomatic pistol to do so. If three blasts from a shotgun (far more accurate in a confined space than any pistol) haven’t dissuaded an intruder, neither will bullets 12 through 15 in a clip. With a permit, citizens could carry their shotguns or rifles in public.

Results: Most handguns remain in circulation. No new guns enter circulation legally. Some criminals continue to obtain concealable firearms illegally, but over many years, the total number of guns in circulation drops. So do the number of gun- related crimes, including homicides. Virginia Tech/Columbine magnitude tragedies would be far less likely. Our grandchildren will roll their eyes and wonder why we were so scared and gun-obsessed in the first place.

Until the Ross Ice Shelf breaks away from Antarctica and raises sea level by several meters, we probably won’t do much about global warming. Was the Virginia Tech massacre the gun control equivalent? Probably not. Maybe we’ll have to wait until a mentally unstable person shoots 50 fifth graders with legally purchased handguns. Until our tolerance for spectacularly horrific mass shootings is exceeded, my solution will never happen. The gun lobby is too loud, rich and powerful. But I’m convinced that lesser gun control measures will not make a substantive difference. It has to be all or nothing.

The House endorsed a bill Wednesday that would hide the identities of persons licensed to carry concealed handguns by providing them with burkas. The garment, not the Texas Monthly blogger.

The legislation, sponsored by Rep. Patrick ‘Guns ‘N’ Rose, focused on the gun owner’s right to privacy as opposed to the average blogger’s curiosity (you know what they say about the size of a man’s gun… really small penis). The bill passed 135-7. Only SEVEN people voted against this?! What a great time to be voting on a firearms bill! House Bill 991 was pushed by the NRA, which showed their appreciation to Rose with a free 9mm.

“These Texans have taken extraordinary steps to protect themselves and their families, and their privacy should be respected,” Rose said. Never mind the fact that a member of the media could request the records to see if any convicted felon has been given a permit. Mistakes are made. Sometimes guns get into the wrong hands.

Personally, I’d kind of like to know if my crazy neighbor is packing heat. But luckily, I don’t live in Dripping Springs.

One of the lesser known facts about former President Gerald Ford is that two chicks tried to shoot him. And they both did it a mere 17 days apart in 1975. Was it because he was a bad breaker upper? Was it because they weren’t married?

Both chicks, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme and Sara Jane Lavender-Moore, are currently in federal prison. Fromme, who needs no introduction, tried to assassinate Ford at the state Capitol in Sacramento. She was “dressed in a nun’s robe and with a .45-caliber pistol strapped to her left leg.” That’s also how Suzanna Hupp gets her husband off. A Secret Service agent stopped her before she could fire a shot.

Moore was a divorced mother of four who tried to shoot Ford as he left the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco. A disabled Vietnam Vet pulled her arm down causing her to miss with her .38. She later said, “There comes a point where the only way you can make a statement is to pick up a gun.” The NRA later sued her for copyright infringement.

Neither incident caused Ford to change his policies. “I never thought I could handle a girl with guns,” Ford said later. “And let me tell you. You can bet that I’m not the only one.”

So why did two disparate (desperate?) women try to kill the President?

“A lot of people were rolling around unmoored, finding a reason to believe there was a political or conspiratorial explanation for their inner upheaval and concluding if they could only act on their impulse, they could save the world,” said Todd Gitlin, professor of journalism and sociology at Columbia University.

Today these women would just have blogs.

Ahhhh, Houston. Home of the crazies. Just to be clear, ‘those people’ were crazy BEFORE the Katrina victims. But now, of course, they could be dead. We’re not sure but we hear the streets of Houston have become worse than Beirut. Because poor folks in New Orleans are born bad.

A Houstonian named Jim Pruett, a former crazy talk show host and gun shop owner, has created a radio ad warning the men, women and children of Houston to arm themselves immediately. Come on. Like there’s anyone living in Houston who doesn’t pack heat.

In his ad, Pruett refers to the evacuees as ‘Katricians,’ a new term he done thunk up all by himself. From now on, I will be referring to Houstonians as ‘Houstocretins.’

“When the Katricians themselves are saying the crime rate will go up if they don’t have more free rent, then it’s time to get your concealed weapons license.”

Apparently Katrina evacuees – or ‘Katrinacrats’ – have put the city of Houston and all Houstafarians on notice that they will start shooting at will if they don’t get “more free rent.” Totally. Those ‘victims’ never had it so good. I hear they’re all living in River Oaks.

Regardless, the firearms business is booming, says Pruett. But don’t get him wrong. He doesn’t have a problem with ALL of the Katrinabums – just the crackheads and the thugs.

“It’s not all of them,” Pruett insisted. “Many of the people who are here, they have jobs. They are contributing. They are Houstonians now. And that’s a wonderful thing. But there is a certain element out there that wants to prey, whenever disaster strikes, or people are weak, they prey on that moment.”

Nothing like preying on the weak by exploiting their fears. Oh, wait…