Screw me? Screw you. Screw everybody! This week’s column in the Observer is a wrap-up of the (regular) session, and a fond farewell to Rep. Warren Chisum of the Pampa Chisums.

There was hardly time for any reflection on the 82nd session before lawmakers were called back for a special session. A special session gives the governor an opportunity to tack on additional items to the official agenda of school finance and health-care funding, such as redistricting congressional Democrats out of the state and, if possible, the country. The special session will also give Gov. Rick Perry and his minions another chance to screw the people they forgot to screw during the last one.

Have a good weekend. I’ll be back Monday. I don’t know where the rest of you clowns have been.

Yesterday Dan Patrick put out his Bat-Shit-Crazy distress signal, alarming the troops that his most recent anti-feds bill was going down in the Senate. Radio talk show host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones looked up at the sky and immediately blew the whistle that only the tea party faithful and their dogs can hear. So off they went to the state capitol, torches in hand, where they were blocked by state troopers from entering the gallery. Seriously? They let anyone into those galleries. I know this because I once spent an entire morning painstakingly laminating a fake press pass to gain entrance and, arriving at the gallery, nervous sweat dripping down my Ann Taylor suit circa 1998, one of the 17-year-old pages rolled his eyes at me and said, we let anyone into the gallery.

Because the Senate failed to approve Patrick’s grope-free airport security zone, the angry mob, consisting of Alex Jones and a few retirees carrying lawn chairs, shouted “TREASON!” and “COWARDS!” First they went to the House chamber and, upon realizing their mistake, hit a few tourists with their homemade placards, screaming “TYRANNY!” and “I’M HUNGRY!” Arriving at the Senate they accused Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst and other senators of being “federal pimps” and “scallawag trash.” Scallawag trash? Seriously? After that did they shake their fist and yell at passersby to get off their lawn?

[Statesman]

Last night Sen. Dan Patrick’s anti-groping-at-airport-security-checkpoints bill was derailed, to the delight of single women of a certain age who look forward to the only action they’ve gotten in a while. Hey—one woman’s “inappropriate genital touching” is another’s “dinner and a movie.”

Apparently federal officials threatened to shut down the airports, ground all flights, and force us to travel by wagon if the bill passed. That’s fine with me. It will give me yet another reason to dust off my old baby bonnet and hit the prairie trails.

Patrick accused Dewhurst of caving to the feds, which is almost akin to doing the devil’s bidding. “I’ve never seen the lieutenant governor work against a bill as a senator was trying to pass it,” Patrick said. “This bill was about standing up for the people of Texas … I have a feeling that Rick Perry would not have been here working against this bill.”

Yesterday Perry signed into law the sonogram bill, which Patrick sponsored. The sonogram bill encourages the groping and prodding of vulnerable women against their will, while the airport security bill would bar screeners from politely asking people to step aside so they can make sure they’re not carrying explosives on their body. Clearly you can see which one is more of a security threat.

School is a place to teach our children that abstinence is the only answer and evolution is a lie, not some kind of indoctrination chamber to expose impressionable young minds to propaganda-type video. Like a Web speech by the president on the “importance” of “education.” Yes, Barack Obama, no longer content with just ridding this country of the old and feeble, is now going after the next generation. Because he can.

Well NOT IN TEXAS, he can’t. The Austin, Round Rock, and Lake Travis school districts are allowing individual teachers to decide whether they will show the speech, and giving parents the choice of whether they want their child to participate. That is so humiliating. There were always a couple kids in my high school who weren’t allowed to attend biology class on the day we were learning the difference between stamens and pistils (racy!) and we would all make fun of them. And I would laugh the hardest to cover up the fact that I didn’t know anything about sex.

The speech, to be aired on whitehouse.gov, is scheduled for Tuesday morning. Apparently the announcement of said event triggered a visceral reaction from parents across the country, afraid that their children might come away from this experience with a new appreciation for the education system and the inner workings of their government.

According to a Lake Travis school district spokesman, the district will not “suggest, encourage or require” the speech to be shown or made part of lesson plans. Because it may interrupt their 2nd-period book burning. Naturally, Web and radio campaigns are popping up everywhere, asking parents to protest the president’s speech by having their children call in sick. Yeah. That’s mature.

Our own Sen. Dan Patrick is doing his part on his radio show. “President Bush believed that no child should be left behind,” he said. “President Obama apparently believes no voter should be left behind, no matter how young.” Just another underhanded way for Obama to steal votes from kids through subliminal messaging thinly disguised as a straightforward speech.

In Dallas and surrounding areas, parents have been unusually vocal in their opposition. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a Republican or Democrat,” said Bill Hogsett, a parent of a kindergartner. “We have a problem with the government intruding on our lives.” Oh, honey. If you have a problem with big bad government, why don’t you take your kid out of the government-funded public school system and learn him at home?

Garyld Miles, a father of twin first-graders said, “It’s dangerous grounds for a president to ask students to advocate his policies for reform for education. That’s exactly what he’s doing.” Yes, I’m sure that when the administration was plotting this particular government takeover, the first thing they said was, how do we get six-year-olds on board with our education reform policies? Looks like we’re going to need more ponies.

The Texas Senate has approved a bill that will bar sex offenders from seeking gainful employment at an amusement park. Unless you’re a prostitute who knows how to handle a petting zoo. Dan Patrick’s original proposal barred anyone convicted of a sexual offense or prostitution from working at an amusement park, but then accepted an amendment from Eddie Lucio to exempt the prostitutes. Lucio claims that he was hoping to give prostitutes a second chance. “Why should we close the doors if they want to engage in legal employment and start anew? Let them work at something legal.” No reason to be hard on the hookers.

You know, sometimes when I’m driving to work in the morning on I-35 and someone cuts me off or doesn’t use their blinker, I often think to myself, OH MAN I WISH I HAD A GUN SO I COULD BLOW HIS HEAD OFF. Luckily, there’s a bill in the Senate that would allow Texans to keep guns in their cars. Proponents of the bill, sponsored by Sen. Glenn “The Bullet” Hegar, say that with the worsening recession, they need a gun to make it safely to and from the workplace. I guess I’ve missed the marauding crowds of unemployed people attacking cars and killing innocent drivers on Mopac.

I smell a marketing opportunity. Replace those “Baby on Board” signs with “Smith & Wesson on Board.” PULL!

I can’t think of a more appropriate day to throw a pro-life rally at the Capitol than on Fat Tuesday, The Day of Sin. A holiday which celebrates public drunkenness, breasts for beads, lewd behavior, debauchery, gluttony, and baby-eating. But anti-abortion activists took things up a notch by performing a LIVE ULTRASOUND in the Senate media room. Ain’t no party like a pro-life party ’cause a pro-life party don’t stop!

Before you get all baby killer on me, it’s not like I’m pro-abortion. But I do take issue with legislation filed by Sen. Dan Patrick (I could end there but I’ll go on) mandating ultrasounds for women before they get abortions, and requiring doctors to ask them if they want to see the ultrasound or hear the baby’s heartbeat. A priest will be in attendance as well to talk about eternal damnation. Is this supposed to provide the woman with new information? Like just in case they don’t know they’re pregnant? Doesn’t it intrude upon the doctor-patient relationship?

Rick Perry and David Dewhurst are all over this, and have pledged that their future medical procedures will be conducted from the Texas Capitol via live video stream. Meanwhile, Kirk Watson and Mark Strama filed the Prevention Works Act today to reduce unplanned pregnancies through sex education and by forcing high school students to treat sacks of flour as babies.

I’m watching the Senate debate on the rules and Voter ID via streaming video because I forgot about that whole “business attire” deal and I wore my velour sweatsuit to work this morning. So I’m sitting here squinting at my monitor screen trying to figure out who’s who because everyone knows that squinting helps your vision.

They are debating a proposal by Dan Patrick (R-ScrewTheRulesVille) to amend the two-thirds rule into a three-fifths rule for voter ID legislation. (Currently they’re discussing a resolution by Tommy Williams.) This would mean that you’d only need to meet a three-fifths threshold to bring a bill up for debate. Fractions are hard.

(Keep hitting refresh because I’ll continue blogging at least for five more minutes or until my eyes glaze over, which is to say, five more minutes. Tops.)

Now obviously the D’s, who are in the minority, are not happy about this. Especially John Whitmire, who looks like he might lose it at any minute. Lt. Gov. Dewhurst seems pretty cool and collected, and not passionate either way, mostly because he’s looking for dates on the Twitter.

So if you’re following my non-live blogging, you should know that I’m following Patti Hart’s updates from the floor, because obviously she got the memo about the appropriate Senate wardrobe. She quoted Williams as saying, the two-thirds rule “is a good thing. I have been a House member who lost his entire package in Calendars Committee.”

Blink. That’s what she said.

I actually just tried to pause my streaming video to go get lunch, thinking that I’d be able to pause, you know, the whole Senate and life as we know it. Damn my DVR mentality!

I just looked up the resolution, SR 14, and the only text I could find was “Adopting Permanent Rules of the Senate of the 81st Legislature.” The anticipation is killing me. I’m actually sitting at my desk practicing fractions. Does anybody have a protractor I can borrow?

OK. I’ll bite. Where’s Montgomery County?

Williams: “Partisan politics has been injected into this issue.” I keep expecting him to break down laughing, saying, “Oh man, I’m totally just fucking with you guys.”

Shapiro’s on the phone. I think she’s as bored as I am. If that’s possible. Now they’re talking about voter fraud.

Instead of a three-fifths rule, what about a rule that forbids any talking on the Senate floor, requiring all future debates to be pantomimed? For the love of God, can someone turn off the mics?

This should make everyone feel better. Mississippi! They’re just like us! Despite the fact that voter ID efforts have failed for the past decade, the Mississippi Legislature intends to take it up once more. The bill is supported by Gov. Haley Barbour.

Carlos Uresti is offering an amendment for veterans’ mental health. Williams wants to table it because it’s so obviously partisan and divisive. The D’s will most likely continue to offer amendments and Williams will continue to table and the vote will be along party lines. Spoiler.

I think we’re done here.

Via QR, the Christian Science Monitor ran a story about ultrasounds, abortion and state legislation. There’s a photo of Sen. Dan Patrick (R-Woman’s Womb Dweller) and Sen. John Whitmire. The Monitor mistakenly identifies Patrick as Whitmire. If I were Whitmire, I’d sue them for libel and character defamation.

The so-called “witness to the womb” laws have been approved by 10 states so far. South Carolina is expected to vote on similar legislation Tuesday. However, the state Attorney General has warned that requiring physicians to show women an ultrasound before the abortion procedure could be unconstitutional. I doubt we’ll hear similar concerns from Greg Abbott. Does he even have a copy of the Constitution?

Monica Burgess of Fort Mill, S.C. decided to continue her pregnancy after viewing the ultrasound picture at 12 weeks. Now Burgess is a pro-life activist who has testified to support the measure. “Ultrasounds are a way of giving equal rights to women in the form of information they should know,” she said. “I could no longer say, ‘This is not a child and it’s not happening.’ ” Well that’s great, honey, but that was your CHOICE.

According to Harvey Kornberg, a political scientist at Rider University, not the political analyst on News 8 Austin, “We’re beginning to see these kinds of laws … to encourage pregnancy – and we’re going to see more.” Soon states will be forcing women who are considering abortion to carry around a sack of flour for a week so they can see how it feels to be a mother.

But here’s an ethical dilemma. In the Sunday New York Times (which I bought at Starbucks), an article discussed abortion, prenatal testing and genetic abnormalities. If a woman aborts a fetus because she finds out that it suffers from mental retardation or a high risk of developing cancer, is that acceptable? What about aborting a boy because you wanted a girl, or not wanting the baby because it has any kind of physical defect?

How far does pro-choice go?

…and not just his radio show audience. Sen. Patrick (R-Tit Town) was spotted at Hooters in Austin over the weekend, purportedly to watch the Rockets playoffs but also to ogle the waitresses in their tan-colored pantyhose – a throwback to ‘Working Girl.’ Luckily a customer/amateur reporter took a blurry shot of some white guy who could be anyone. At least there’s an arrow for clarification.

The Senate passed legislation Wednesday that would require sonograms for all women undergoing an abortion. As you may recall, the bill is sponsored by Sen. Dan Patrick (R-McCrazy of Crazytown), who claims he wants to “protect the health of women” seeking abortions. Oh – and he hopes that after viewing the ultrasound, women may be guilted into reconsidering their choice.

“I think if a woman sees this, it might well change her mind,” Patrick said.

Yes, it might work as well as those pro-lifers carrying signs with pictures of aborted fetuses outside abortion clinics.

Under the legislation, the physician (aka baby killer) would have to discuss the sonogram with the woman, although she wouldn’t have to look at the image. But, oops! The doctor might accidentally drop it in her lap.

The bill passed on a 21-8 vote, and will now head to the House. I WONDER IF THEY’LL PASS IT. Freaking religious fanatics.

According to Sen. Eliot Shapleigh, who opposed the legislation, the bill would make Texas the only state to force women to have a sonogram. Cool! We’re number one! Sen. Bob Deuell, a doctor, A MAN OF SCIENCE, supports the bill. Not that he would ever let his own morals affect his professional relationship with a patient.

“There is nothing we do in medicine quite like an abortion. The difference is this is a medical procedure that will take a human life. From a purely medical point of view, then, I think a sonogram should be done before any abortion procedure,” Deuell said.

Supporters say that Patrick’s bill simply extends the 2003 Women’s Right to Know Act, which offers information about abortion and how most women who get abortions will be diagnosed with breast cancer, depression and nightmares involving Dan Patrick. According to that informative booklet:

• Some women have reported serious psychological effects after their abortion, including depression, grief, anxiety, lowered self-esteem, regret, suicidal thoughts and behavior, sexual dysfunction, avoidance of emotional attachment, flashbacks, and substance abuse.
• Your chances of getting breast cancer are affected by your pregnancy history. If you have carried a pregnancy to term as a young woman, you may be less likely to get breast cancer in the future. However, you do not get the same protective effect if your pregnancy is ended by an abortion. The risk may be higher if your first pregnancy is aborted.

The vote breakdown after the jump:

(more…)

A bill by Sen. Dan Patrick would require doctors to perform ultrasounds on pregnant women seeking an abortion. The bill passed out of committee Tuesday.

Although a patient wouldn’t have to actually look at the sonogram, she would be forced to wear a Scarlet A on her puritan dress for the rest of her life, before being damned to hell for all eternity.

“I’m interested in protecting the lives of the unborn and giving a woman an option before she makes that fatal choice for that fetus, for that baby, to look at that ultrasound,” Patrick said. “That might persuade her to save that life.”

Tell you what. I’ll agree to ultrasounds for women if we can mandate brain scans of candidates during legislative campaigns. I’m just interested in protecting the rights of Texans and giving voters an option before they make that fatal choice and elect a candidate like Dan Patrick. That might persuade them to steer clear of Crazytown’s finest.

My blog’s been down for the past two hours. My first thought, there must be something wrong with the server. My second thought, pack your suitcase, honey, it’s the Rapture!

A reader told me to tune in to the Senate budget debate on the floor because the Legislator of Crazytown was getting in Sen. Mario Gallegos’ face and screaming about tax breaks for millionaires. Now, is that any way to treat a man with a transplanted liver? What’s next? Fighting with Liz Carpenter?

Sen. Eddie Lucio started reprimanding Crazytown’s Dan Patrick, and then Sen. John Whitmire got in on the action, demanding an explanation on how Patrick proposes to cut the state budget by $3 billion. All Patrick could do was stand there, with mouth agape, and say, “I don’t need a lecture, I don’t need a lecture.”

You’re right. You don’t need a lecture.

You need some motherf*uckin’ manners.

(The budget passed.)

A Muslim “cleric” (read “terrorist”) led the morning “prayer” (read “extremist indoctrination”) Wednesday on the Senate floor. There was only one senator courageous enough to take a stand against this man who should probably be in the Gitmo. That man – no, that HERO – was Senator Dan Patrick (R-Crazytown).

Patrick left the floor in protest of an invocation by Imam Yusuf Bin Laden Rylander Kavakci from the Dallas Central Mosque, a known terrorist training camp.

According to Jared Woodfill, chairman of the Harris County Republican Party, “I’m shocked that the day before Easter recess that a Muslim is leading the prayer. They should be having a celebration about the death and resurrection of Christ.” Well, the original plan was for Speaker Craddick to walk around with a cross on his back during Holy Week, wash the feet of legislators on Holy Thursday, recreate Jesus’ death on Good Friday, and resurrect himself on Sunday. But no one bought the resurrection part.

Without great Americans like Sen. Patrick, the Capitol would most likely be under the control of terrorists, Democrats and other radicals. The man should be applauded, not ridiculed by non-believers and those who hate freedom. Of course, prophets are never recognized until it’s too late.

The executive order mandating the cervical cancer vaccine (against Human Papillomavirus or HPV) for preteen girls has opened Pandora’s box, which is exactly what conservatives are trying to keep shut. As always, when things get this mercky, I turn to the voice of reason: The Voice of Sen. Dan Patrick. From his press statement:

Governor, is HPV the new black plague?

According to my mid-14th century sources (Wikipedia), the Black Plague, or ‘Black Death,’ killed at least 75 million people. So, there is a difference. However, “renewed religious fervour and fanaticism bloomed in the wake of Black Death. This spelled trouble for minority populations of all sorts, as Christians targeted various groups such as Jews, friars, foreigners, beggars, pilgrims, Muslims thinking that they were somehow to blame for the crisis.”

Isn’t that the way it always goes? When all else fails, blame it on the friars.

In his statement, Patrick also says the following:

The research I have come across indicates there are at least 100 strains of the Human Papillomavirus and the vaccination, Gardasil, only treats four of them. The American Cancer Society reports most women do not get cervical cancer from HPV and the National Institutes of Health report more than 90% of all HPV cases are harmless and go away without treatment.

I checked out this information (hat tip, Internets) and, wouldn’t you know it, he’s not completely off base. According to the American Cancer Society, “HPV does not completely explain what causes cervical cancer. Most women with HPV don’t get cervical cancer, and certain other risk factors influence which women exposed to HPV are more likely to develop cervical cancer.”

While I’m confident that advocates on both sides of this public health issue could come up with research supporting their positions, there’s also the question of the exclusive Merck contract (with Mike Toomey as your friendly neighborhood lobbyist) when apparently GlaxoSmithKline is on the brink of releasing its own cervical cancer vaccine. I’m sure all the other pharmaceutical companies will follow suit – we’ll hear about it on DTC ads soon enough.

There are always special interests at play. Even when we’re talking about the health of 12-year-old girls. Part of me believes the vaccines are a good thing. The cynical part (which makes up two-thirds of me) wonders – what else is going on?

Texas Senator Dan Patrick appeared on Lou Dobbs Tonight Tuesday, where he was referenced exactly… once. Before Dobbs wanted to return to ‘Planet Earth.’ Let’s roll the tape.

DOBBS: About $45 billion was sent to Latin America from this country last year. Much of it originating from the hands of illegal aliens. And some border states tonight have decided to propose taxes on those so-called remittances. They’re planning to use the additional money to help secure their borders with Mexico.

Casey Wian has the report.

CASEY WIAN, CNN CORRESPONDENT (voice over): Immigrants in Texas send more than $5 billion home to Latin America each year. Most of that is money earned by illegal aliens. Now Texas lawmakers are proposing a 10 percent tax on those remittances. They want to use the proceeds, an estimated $500 million annually, primarily for border security.

DAN PATRICK, TEXAS STATE SENATE: The illegals are costing our state and our country billions of dollars. And we’ve got to be able to… help pay for some of this while we’re securing the border, which the feds aren’t doing a very good job of.

DOBBS: You’re a real nutbar, aren’t you, Dan?

Patrick filed SB 268, which would impose a fee on money wired out of Texas to any foreign country, but mostly those foreign countries with a lot of brown people. Any amount less than $5,000 would be subject to a 10% fee. The revenue collected would in turn provide funds for border security and holding cells in Farmers Branch in lieu of food, cloting and shelter for poor Mexicans.

Dan Patrick: The longest 15 minutes… ever.

In other news, the Bush administration is poised to announce an increase in immigration application fees of more than 80 percent, which would target low-income immigrants wishing to become citizens. You know what that means. A severe shortage in the powerwashing industry.

Sen. Dan Patrick has wasted no time getting his crazy on. First, he tried to get rid of the sacred Senate two-thirds rule. (He secured one vote – his. And even he was on the fence, but then he didn’t want to be compared with the Mexicans.) Now he has filed his much-anticipated bill (SB 168) that would make all abortions illegal in Texas if the Supreme Court effectively overturns Roe vs. Wade and allows states to think for themselves and for their womenfolk.

“I want to have a law on the books that clearly says if Roe vs. Wade is overturned, there will be no abortions in Texas,” Patrick said. Really? Because I want to have a law on the books that clearly says no freak legislators but we can’t always get what we want.

I’m thinking of creating a new blog just for Senator-elect Dan Patrick: In the Crazy Texas.

Patrick has joined forces with the Eyes on the Border Foundation to fund a specially equipped Maul MXT-7-180 surveillance plane to “combat criminal activity” on the border. (Next purchase includes shoulder-launched missiles and roadside bombs.) Eyes on the Border was founded by Patrick, fellow radio talk show host Edd Hendee and the entire community of Farmers Branch.

On Wednesday, Patrick handed the aircraft keys over to Sheriff Arvin West of Hudspeth County and Sheriff Oscar Carillo of Culberson County. Sheriff Carillo was immediately taken into custody. As was Chief Pilot Sam Lopez (pictured). Seriously. If they needed some token Hispanics, they could’ve called Henry Bonilla. He’s available.

According to the website, Eyes on the Border “is a grassroots, privately-funded initiative to reestablish control of the U.S.-Mexico border… Our guys are smart and brave — but they are out-spent, out-gunned, and out-manned. Eyes on the Border (EOTB) aims to alter this reality.”

They’re out-spent and out-gunned by poor Mexican children? Time to call in the Houston realtors.

Dan Patrick: Incoming Texas State Senator. Houston radio talk show host. Conservative. (Second) Family Man. Escaped Mental Patient.

Patrick (nee ‘Goeb’ but he changed his name to Patrick because Goeb sounded too ethnic) is planning on taking the Capitol by storm or by Rapture, whichever comes first. He will also continue wearing his signature outfit of flannel shirt under an ill-fitted ‘Dan the Man’ tee.

Here are some of the things on Dan’s personal faith-laced agenda: Outlaw abortions (while mandating abortions for illegals); more troops on the border; repeal new business tax; exhibit stigmata before sine die.

“If I’m disrespected, my people are disrespected,” Patrick warns. This doesn’t stop fellow Republican Rep. Fred Hill from calling Patrick “morally schizophrenic.” That’s too kind. How about “deranged psychopathic skinny-kneed blogger?”

St. Patrick, who recently purchased a Dallas radio station, plans on broadcasting his talk show from Austin during the regular session. Could things get any more delicious? Sure they can! Dan has written a book entitled “The Second Most Important Book You Will Ever Read,” about reading the Bible. Here are four of his chapters:

• Excuse #1: “But Dan… The Bible Is Too Hard To Understand”
• Excuse #2: “But Dan… The Bible Isn’t Relevant For Today’s World”
• Excuse #3: “But Dan… How Do I Know The Bible Is True?”
• Excuse #4: “But Dan… I Already Know Right From Wrong”

How about this one: “But Dan… Shut The Fuck Up.”

There has been talk of Patrick (mostly conversations with God going on in his head) running for Governor, which would most likely put him up against Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst and Democrat Carole Keeton Goeb Strayhorn. But Dewhurst isn’t too worried. “If a legislator only demagogues, their colleagues sooner or later are going to cut them up, and the people will finally understand that he or she is all hat and no cattle,” he said. Well. That settles that for anyone who understands Ratherisms.

Dan and his wife Jan have two grown kids (and as PD reports, they aren’t planning on having any more) — 26-year-old son Ryan, the former political director of the Harris County Republican party; and 21-year-old daughter Shane, a junior at Baylor who is destined to become a ‘professional dancer.’ (Shane?! Why not just name your daughter ‘Stripper’?)