According to Pollster.com, Rick Perry is leading Bill White by a stunning 50 to 38 percent (as tweeted by @txbiz). Oh wait. It’s a poll conducted by Wilson Research Strategies and commissioned by GOPAC. Wilson Strategies is an opinion research firm “serving Republican candidates, conservative organizations, public affairs campaigns, and major corporations.” I’m not saying the poll isn’t credible. I’m just saying that Chris Wilson, the CEO of the firm, isn’t credible. He used to work for Karl Rove. Even worse, he’s based out of Oklahoma.

But could the poll be right? Last week Rasmussen showed a tighter race, 49 to 41 percent, and I remember (yes, I remember conversations I had a WHOLE WEEK AGO) discussing it with Burka. I walked into his office and he said, don’t you knock?, so I turned around and walked back out and knocked on the door while he pretended not to hear me, or see me waving my arms frantically through the window. This is pretty typical of most of our discussions although our intra-office communication has improved since I threatened to shadow him during the session.

Burka said that he was surprised White was within single digits and I nodded and said that’s what I thought and he said, then why did you come bother me, and I laughed because that’s just how we joke with each other.

So now it’s a 12-point spread? Hard to believe. I bet it’s more like 10. Not that you should listen to me. Not that you should listen to them either.

According to “Texas Insider“‘so insider that I’ve never heard of them’veterans across Texas are “outraged” over those full-page newspaper ads purchased by Bill White supporters calling Perry a “coward” for refusing to debate White. (On principle, the Houston Chronicle didn’t run the ad. Not sure what the principle was.) Now you may be asking yourself why the veterans are getting involved, you non-military chickens. Attacking Perry for not appearing at a traditional gubernatorial debate is clearly akin to minimizing his time in the Air Force serving our country. Here’s the real question: Why do Bill White and his trial lawyer cronies hate patriots?

The ads were paid for by a trial lawyer-funded (gasp!) Back to Basics PAC, as opposed to the All-American girl scout troops who finance Perry’s campaign entirely through cookie sales and National Anthem performances.

‘Bill White should be ashamed of himself for supporting the gutless attacks his supporters have levied against Governor Perry,’ said Afghanistan veteran Marcus Lutrell. ‘While Bill White lacked the courage to serve in the military, Governor Perry enlisted in the Air Force after college and truly knows what it means to have served our nation… Bill White needs to take a long look at himself and maybe he will see what a coward really looks like.”

Yeah! I mean, what? This is like when you’re at a cocktail party having a conversation and someone walks up and interjects something that has nothing to do with what you were talking about. And you’re all, wait a minute, I may be drunk but I was talking about something else entirely. I just can’t remember what it was anymore. Barkeep! Another round! (No, my husband doesn’t appreciate me calling him barkeep.)

Wasn’t the ad simply pointing out the fact that Perry continues to refuse to debate White until he releases his grandmother’s tax returns going back to 1922? How does that have anything to do with the Air Force? After graduating, Perry completed pilot training and flew C-130 tactical airlift aircraft for five years in the U.S., Middle East, and Europe. Following his celebrated 4g inverted dive with a MiG28, Perry came back to Texas and went into the cotton business with his dad. Great. Now all the cotton farmers are going to come out of the woodwork to defend their native son.

Hey, Rick. That’s great that you were in the Air Force. Sincerely. After that, I bet you aren’t afraid of anything. Except for, maybe, standing behind a podium and debating your opponent for 45 minutes on public television.

When I heard that supporters of Bill White had purchased full-page ads to run in all Texas newspapers tomorrow, I thought, FULL-PAGE? Who has that kind of money anymore? This must be big. Really big. Like they found out that Perry is actually a Muslim and is planning to turn the Governor’s Mansion into a mosque. Alas, no. It’s just more rhetoric on how Perry continues to refuse to debate White.

We get it. Perry’s a coward. He’s a chicken. He won’t debate White because he has everything to lose and nothing to gain. But it’s not like the voters would even watch. Perry’s no Snooki. The ad shows a photo of Perry looking like a thespian with the word “Coward” stamped on it. As Wayne Slater writes, “The ad is pure cowboy machismo.’And in a combination political attack and schoolyard taunt it declares:’Tell Rick Perry to stop cowering and face Texans like a man.” Schoolyard taunt? That’s not a schoolyard taunt. This is a schoolyard taunt: “Hey! Freakishly small girl! I bet you don’t even need a bra, loser!”

Clearly the debate argument is not working for White. Neither is the “he-won’t-meet-with-editorial-boards” bit either. That makes White sound like a dork. Now do I think Perry should debate and meet with the newspapers? Of course. But then I am smarter than your average voter.

Perry Coward Ad

Bill White and Rick Perry spoke to the Texas Association of Broadcasters this morning (separately, I was hoping for something more Vaudevillian) so White could call on Perry to debate and Perry could refuse until White releases all of his tax returns. It’s like Groundhog Day with these two. I go to work, I ignore my colleagues, go to my office, slam the door, turn on my laptop, and read the same talking points from them every single day. Of course, not all my days are exactly the same. Sometimes I switch up what I’m eating for lunch but usually it’s just peanut butter on wheat.

COME ON. Is this a governor’s race or isn’t it? The most action we’re seeing is back-and-forth allegations of racism and whether Rick Perry approves of indentured servitude. I don’t know why the media even bother to show up at their press conferences anymore. Is there a mini-croissant-and-Tang continental breakfast I don’t know about? There’s no quid pro quo. The Statesman‘s Jason Embry reports that Perry will not meet with any newspaper editorial boards. That’s cold. Print journalism is in enough trouble as it is. Now in place of endorsements, they’re going to have to fill their op-ed page with Beetle Bailey since Cathy is calling it quits.

“We’ve made the decision that a better use of the governor’s time is to talk directly to Texans and reporters throughout the state,” said Perry spokesman Mark Miner, adding that the campaign will continue to use social media extensively. You mean Perry’s inane tweets are a better use of the campaign’s time? (“Early run…making the most of a hot humid day!!! This will make it even better!!”)

I don’t know about you but I depend on newspaper editorials to help guide me in my own decision process. After carefully weighing the arguments for and against each candidate, watching and re-watching their campaign ads, and scouring their backgrounds for any sexual indiscretions or hiring of illegals for domestic work, I go into the voting booth, confident that I am making the right choice. Sometimes. Other times I sit there and second guess myself after it’s too late, which puts me in a bad mood for about a year.

So for all you newspaper readers out there, just remember. Perry thinks you’re a waste of time.

I have a throbbing headache, probably due to the fact that I watched that Debbie Riddle video like 15 times in order to transcribe it for all of you. So when I saw that the Republican Party of Texas was calling on Bill White to apologize for using “inflammatory rhetoric,” I let out a heavy sigh before reading further. Heavy sighs help me work through my pain while simultaneously letting my coworkers know that the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m sick and tired of being everyone’s hero.

The Dallas Morning News reported that during his remarks to a group of African-American leaders at a Dallas Luby’s today, White said that he wanted to be a servant of the people and Rick Perry wanted to be, well, something else. “I’m here on a job interview,” White said. “We need a governor who’s a servant, as opposed to Rick Perry, who wants to be treated as master.”

First of all, if Bill White’s at Luby’s for a job interview, it’s worse than we thought. And secondly, there’s nothing wrong with saying you want to be a public servant. That’s what everyone says. I do understand, however, why people would take exception to using “master” and “Rick Perry” in the same sentence.

Republican Party of Texas Chairman Steve Munisteri immediately called on White to apologize for using “racially charged rhetoric.”

“It is very disappointing in this day and age… that Bill White would choose language that when viewed in context of the group to which he was speaking, clearly can be interpreted as a racially divisive statement. Bill White’s use of the word master when speaking to an African-American group no doubt was a political calculation on his part to conjure up a racially divisive message. There is no place in modern day politics for a statewide candidate to try to exploit racial discord.”

While I personally would steer clear of the whole “master-servant” comparison, I do think the Republican Party is overreacting just a bit. And if they’re so offended, a press release is the best they can do? I remember in high school, we had something called a “Master and Servant” day where people could hire other people to do stuff for them. I was appalled. I stood up on my chair in the middle of the cafeteria and screamed, I SERVE NO ONE in my best Norma Rae moment yet.

Needless to say, I wasn’t asked to the prom.

President Obama will be in Texas on Monday to help raise money for Democrats. Former Mayor Bill White has already said that, unfortunately, he will not be able to get anywhere near the president because he will be busy at the Johnson County Fair’s steer and heifer show. However, White did tell reporters (those silly little people out there who actually “report” the “news”) that he’d be available by phone and fax.

“I’m continuing my schedule, and somebody told me the schedule was a little fluid where he would be going and when he is going,” White said. “But, uh, I’ll be available to talk to the president, whoever the president of the United States is, at any time. Most people talk by telephone.” OH MY GOD IT’S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. White doesn’t know who the president is.

White was asked if there was any chance that he could stop by the fundraising event and say hi and, if not, why not. “Well,” said White, “because I’m campaigning for governor of Texas and that means meeting the people of this state and listening to what they have to say. You know, I’ve talked to President Obama before. I’ve talked to President (George W.) Bush before on the telephone on matters involving Texas. I’m available to talk to anybody by telephone.”

Awesome. I’m totally drunk dialing him tonight.

[Statesman]

The DMN’s Wayne Slater reports today that Bill White, after announcing that he has no plans to appear with the president when he’s in town, wanted to make it clear that he and Obama don’t come from the same place or share the same views. I had no idea White was a Republican. “I was in the oil and gas business when he was a community organizer,” White said. Is that supposed to be an insult? Because at this point, I wouldn’t be bragging about the fact that I was in the oil business. (And, that sounds way too Palinesque: I guess an oil and gas man is sort of like a “community organizer,” except that you have actual responsibilities.)

Just last year, White bought a newspaper ad picturing him and Obama under the headline, “The Dream. The Hope. The Change.” This year, he’s expected to buy a newspaper ad picturing him and Ronald Reagan under the headline, “Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem.” OK, fine. So White’s running in a red state where the president isn’t exactly popular. But isn’t this going just a bit too far?

“There are some people, including me, who believe that the president is spending a lot more money than we’re taking in, is spending too much money in Washington,” White said. “I don’t believe in borrowing so much money. When I served as the chief operating officer of a federal department, I cut the budget. And now you see the budgets of other Cabinet departments go up.” I don’t get it. Does he think he’s going to gain Republican votes by spewing this kind of rhetoric? Isn’t he instead alienating the Democrats supporting him who overwhelmingly voted for that silly “community organizer”?

However, it’s important to note that White does have a scheduling conflict. When Obama’s raising money for him, White will be at the Johnson County Fair.

OH MY GOD. Dude. He’s the leader of your party, not to mention your commander-in-chief. Show some respect.

You know your approval ratings are low when Democrats running for statewide office won’t be seen with you. It reminds me, as most things do, of Can’t Buy Me Love, when everyone dug Ronald Miller when he was cool but then treated him like a leper when they found out he paid Cindy Mancini $1,000 to go out with him. (And, really, did anyone in high school wear white suede? I mean besides me?)

President Obama will be in Austin and Houston in August to help raise money for Democrats but there’s one person who won’t be in attendance. Bill White. This, despite the fact that one of the event invitations says that “some of the proceeds will remain in Texas to help elect Democrats in Texas, including Bill White as our next governor.” Well this is… awkward. I’m sure White has a good excuse for why he won’t be there. A prior commitment? A scheduling conflict? An all-day Real Wives of New Jersey marathon?

Yes, the former Houston mayor told the AP that appearing with Obama could give Rick Perry ample ammunition to blast him for being a Washington insider. Believe me, no one wants to be seen as a Washington insider these days. Why, just the other day someone asked me, Aren’t you from Northern Virginia, right outside of D.C.? I quickly responded, my eyes darting nervously around the room to see if anyone had overheard, that I was actually from Arizona.

White added that he couldn’t block Obama from supporting his campaign, which means he’ll take the money but skip the hors d’oeuvres. “Under the First Amendment, I can’t prevent anybody from campaigning for me,” White said. “I’m not in the business of recruiting people other than citizens of Texas to shake hands and campaign for me.”

“Under the First Amendment” he can’t stop the president from campaigning for him? This is what it’s come to? Good God, people. He’s the President of the United States, not Lindsay Lohan.

Yesterday the Perry team decided to hold a press conference in front of Bill White’s campaign headquarters. What was the thinking behind that one? Hey! I’ve got a great idea! Why don’t we head over to our opponent’s offices and just wait for the abuse? It’s brilliant. I’ve employed that strategy myself, like when I stood outside Burnt Orange Report’s headquarters screaming IN THE PINK RULES until I realized that they don’t actually have offices and I was screaming at a bunch of sick kids in a pediatrician’s waiting room.

Mark Miner, Perry’s campaign spokesperson, alerted the media that he would be holding a press conference in front of White’s Travis County office. Not surprisingly, Democratic campaign workers were waiting for him–since it’s, you know, a campaign office–chanting “Rick Chicken Perry! Debate Bill Now!” Do I even need to mention that there was a guy in a chicken suit? At least I think it was just some guy in a chicken suit. Good God. Are we being infiltrated by freak genetically-engineered-gone-horribly-wrong giant clone chickens?! (Personally I would have worn a bloody coyote carcass suit and curled up right in front of Mark Miner, making whimpering sounds every two minutes.)

The fact remains, however, that Perry refuses to debate White. He’s probably doing that because he knows he can win without a debate, and participating in the debate could only hurt him. In that sense, he is a chicken. Does he really think that White could make him look that bad in one little debate? Because if he does, he probably shouldn’t be governor. But what the cluck do I know? OMG!

[BOR]

On Wednesday, Gov. Perry called on Bill White to drop out of the race. Why on earth would he do that? If anything, you’d think Perry would want White to stay in the race. Is it really a win if you run unopposed? No. What you want is some stiff competition so that when you do win, you can gloat. There’s no gloating if you’re the only one in the game. It reminds me of when I ran for student council. I kid. I never ran for student council. That was for losers who went on to have beautiful families and successful careers.

Perry accused White of engaging in profiteering during Hurricane Rita in 2005. The governor claims that White directed a local water authority to award a contract to a company named BTEC Turbines to which he had financial ties. White responded by saying that Perry is trying to avoid the real issues like the multibillion dollar budget shortfall. Hey wait! With all the money White supposedly made off of Rita, maybe he can just pay off the shortfall! OMG! Problem solved!

So Burka calls me this morning to ask what I thought about his post. I immediately pulled up his blog after bookmarking my Anthropologie shopping cart and scanned it while he kept talking. I pride myself on being a speed reader which means that I just quickly move my eyes back and forth pretending I’m digesting the information at lightning speed.

Burka: So what do you think about this whole BTEC thing?
Me: You know, I just don’t know what to think. (True.)
Burka: I don’t think that White has done anything unethical.
Me: (Googling “Bill White” and “prostitute”) Oh, yeah. Me neither. Lots of politicians cheat on their wives.
Burka: What are you talking about?
Me: What are you talking about?
Burka: I just said that.
Me: I just said that.
[Pause]
Burka: I’m talking about the allegations that Perry’s making about White’s supposed financial ties to a company that was awarded a contract during Hurricane Rita.
Me: I love that drink.
Burka: I think the media is wrong on this one. White didn’t have financial ties—he received deferred payments from BTEC’s parent company. His investment in BTEC came one year after the hurricane.
Me: Wait. We’re talking about the oil spill, right? Because somebody’s got to clean that sh*it up.
Burka: I’m hanging up now.
Me: NOT IF I HANG UP FIRST.

The Bill White campaign filed an open records request asking for Governor Perry’s official work calendar for this year. According to the calendar, Perry did not do any state work on 24 of 72 business days. Not bad. You should see my official work calendar. Going to therapy (daily). Crashing meetings uninvited (weekly). Power napping (2x daily). Snacking (4x daily). Asking for a raise (weekly). Screaming at interns (hourly). Happy hour (2x daily).

According to DMN’s Christy Hoppe over at Trail Blazers, the calendar covered January, March, April, and most of May, while the February record has not yet been released. FINALLY THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT. February is the Month of the Coyote. We’ll be able to see if Perry was actually in his office sleeping when he was supposedly wrestling a coyote to the ground. Or maybe we’ll learn that the governor was on a month-long coyote killing spree, that it wasn’t just one–it was hundreds. In which case he’d be a total bad ass.

On some so-called “working” days, Perry took one phone call. Again, I don’t see anything wrong with that. I never pick up my office phone. I just stare at the caller ID until the phone stops ringing and hope that they don’t leave a voicemail. Plus, as DMN points out, Perry was busy campaigning in January. If that’s not “doing the state’s business,” then I don’t know what is.

Spokesman Mark Miner said that Perry works 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Why do people say that? You can’t possibly work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, unless you’re Superman. Or on speed.

[via Huff Post]

Earlier this week, Empower Texans, a fiscally conservative organization—when anyone claims to be “fiscally conservative,” it just means they’re “conservative” but they don’t want to sound like “dorks”—put out a video leveraging The Ridiculousness that is Perry’s attack coyote story to take a shot at “That Wily Bill White.” (It opens with the Looney Tunes theme song. I’m not sure what to take from that.) The video, featuring Michael Quinn Sullivan, focuses on the fact that White has still not released all his tax returns. Perry, meanwhile, is completely transparent. In fact, he’s so transparent I can see right through him! OMG!

The thing is, I’m all for humor and levity in the political realm but only when it’s clever. Like Kirk Watson’s cheeky email to supporters making fun of Perry’s near-death experience with a nonexistent coyote.

Two months ago, I was out for an early-morning run. As usual, I was carrying a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum (that’s right; the kind that Dirty Harry carried). I was fully loaded with steel-piercing shells and a sight I designed myself using GPS technology. Now, I know that some people might think it’s kind of, I don’t know, hard to believe… that someone would be carrying around a handgun on a morning run. Incredible, one might say. But you just never know when you’ll need to defend yourself from snakes…Or coyotes…Or armed statewide elected officials…

Suddenly, a pack of giant rats jumped out of the bushes. I thought they were wolves at first. But then I remembered how endangered and occasionally endearing wolves are and saw that, no, these were definitely just giant rats. They were all wearing these rat-leather jackets and brandishing these rat-switchblades and smoking these rat-cigarettes. I whipped out the pistol, looked out at the giant rats and said, “Rats, this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. It will blow your heads clean off…”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. For whatever reason, Democrats are funnier than Republicans. Seriously. Can you think of any funny conservatives? And Dennis Miller doesn’t count.

In an interview with the AP yesterday, Gov. Rick Perry revealed that he shot and killed a coyote while on a morning run. Well who doesn’t carry a laser-sighted pistol when jogging? I make sure to bring my friends “Smith” and “Wesson” to yoga class so if someone tries to make me do a difficult inversion, I can pull it out from my prana capri pants and say, I’VE GOT YOUR PINCHA MAYURASANA RIGHT HERE. And, seriously, are we supposed to be impressed that Perry killed a coyote? Bring me the head of a chupacabra and we’ll talk.

The governor said he carries his .380 Ruger, loaded with hollow-point bullets, when jogging on trails because he is afraid of snakes. OK, if you’re trying to make yourself look all tough, why ruin it by saying you’re afraid of a few garden snakes. Where do you think you are, the rain forest? Dude. You’re in, like, Barton Creek. And, according to Texas Parks and Wildlife, “the vast majority of Texas’ snakes are non-venomous and completely harmless.”

Apparently this particular coyote was threatening his daughter’s Labrador retriever. “Don’t attack my dog, or you might get shot . . . if you’re a coyote,” Perry said. Or if you’re Bill White. Perry added that it was a “quick, clean kill” and the coyote was not in a lot of pain. Did I mention this incident happened in February and Perry’s just now talking about it? Why? Because he never did it. And three months later, there’s no hope of finding any evidence to corroborate his story. There were no witnesses because he went jogging without his security detail. Oh he’s good. Which reminds me. I killed a grizzly with my bare hands last year.

I find this latest news almost impossible to believe. But then, I find many things impossible to believe because the world is full of suckers and I’d rather not be one of them. So when someone tells me something, no matter how inane, I immediately respond, I don’t believe you. Because at some point in your life, everyone will lie to you, including loved ones. Especially loved ones.

According to the lying liars at Rasmussen Reports, Rick Perry is leading Bill White by only four points, 48 percent to 44 percent. Six percent are undecided and the remaining two percent say they want another candidate. Oh, grow up. These are the choices. Hairy versus Baldy.

Just last month Perry had a six-point lead but Charlie Cook called the race a toss-up. Any incumbent who garners less than 50 percent support at this stage of a campaign is considered “potentially vulnerable,” which almost sounds charming. The last time Perry was at 50 percent was in January, right after White announced his candidacy. He can’t break 50 percent? How hard is that? Here’s what I would do if I were Perry because if he loses to White, his political future is shot. Announce that you’re stepping down as governor “to avoid the unproductive, typical, politics-as-usual, lame-duck” term and then start campaigning for president. Brilliant!

Actually what’s really brilliant is getting Newsweek to publish a gazillion stories (like “Why Texas May Lead the Nation’s Turnaround”) about you and Texas. On the cover, the governor is hiking up his pants to show off his boots. How original. He only does that, like, EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. The cover pic on Newsweek was too small for me to post here so I did a Google image search for “Newsweek, cover, Rick Perry” and multiple Sarah Palin covers popped up. Really. Cross-gender doppelganger! Practically unheard of. And extremely dangerous.

Are you kidding me with this?

I just got an email from the Democratic Governors Association saying that long-time political analyst Charlie Cook is calling the Texas governor’s race a toss-up. I thought, this has got to be some type of fraudulent report that the DGA, in utter desperation, is sending out to a mass audience who they assume will just regurgitate whatever they’re saying. Do they think we’re that stupid? Anyway I’ve copied and pasted the relevant analysis below, no questions asked. (You can thank me later. I just saved you from 25 or so paragraphs of bloviation.) The actual link to the Cook Political Report included in the email sends me to some type of subscriber login screen and I’m like, oh, right. I’ll just ask Texas Monthly to pay for my subscription with all the money they never give me.

Polling conducted during the primary suggests that the general election will be very competitive. A Blum & Weprin survey for the Dallas Morning News and Houston Chronicle (February 2-10 of 1,508 registered voters) showed Perry ahead of White by just six points, 43 percent to 37 percent. Perry’s job ratings were 46-percent approve to 36-percent disapprove. A Research 2000 poll for Daily Kos (February 8-10 of 600 likely voters) had Perry ahead by four points, 46 percent to 42 percent.

White is probably the strongest gubernatorial candidate Democrats have nominated since Ann Richards was the party’s standard bearer in 1990. He is a proven fundraiser, starts the race with a solid base of support, and boasts a resume in business and a record as mayor that will make it hard for Republicans to label him as a screaming liberal Democrat. It helps that Democrats nominated a Hispanic woman for Lieutenant Governor, which is likely to spike Hispanic turn out in November, something that will benefit White. Finally, there are some signs of Perry fatigue, which could hurt the Governor at a time when the electorate is restless.

Perry is known for running well funded, aggressive, no-holds-barred campaigns and this will be no exception. However, this also might end up being the most difficult race of his career. As a result, we are moving the contest from the Lean Republican to the Toss Up column.

Interestingly enough, we might not have made such a move if Hutchison had won the primary since it would have become an open-seat contest where we would give greater weight to the state’s traditional Republican voting patterns. But, in this case, Perry is a known quantity and traditional voting patterns may not matter as much. Stay tuned; this is likely to become one of the more hotly contested gubernatorial races in the country.

I thought I felt a disturbance in the force when the powers that be moved us from Lean Republican to Toss Up. It was so strong that I had to steady myself when I got up from my desk to ask my colleagues if they had felt something strange too. Do you have any idea how often I’m ignored around here?

How does he do it? 51% of the vote? Well, I hope all of you who voted in the Democratic primary and chastised me for crossing over are happy now. Because you’ve basically ensured the reelection of Rick Perry as our next governor. Not that I’m trying to blame anyone. I’m just trying to make myself feel better about this:

Anyway, karma is, apparently, quite the bitch. I was leaving work yesterday when I realized I couldn’t find my car keys so I started frantically racing around the office accusing random colleagues—who, let’s be honest, I’ve never completely trusted—of stealing my keys. I finally located them by peering into my locked car and seeing them on the floor. DAMN IT. A coworker drove me home, I got in through the garage right before tripping the alarm, and found the spare Honda key hidden underneath piles of old unpaid bills.

Hoping to get back to the office before it was dark, and having no one around to drive me there, I had no choice but to walk all the way back along the I-35 feeder road. At one point I got caught in the median because I missed the walk light so, if you saw someone wearing an oversized fleece, Old Navy corduroy pants, and a winter hat who looked homeless, that was me. At the very least, you could have thrown a dollar out your window.

I got back to my parking garage and decided to drive to Central Market to pick up a few things before the election results started coming in, only to realize that I didn’t have my purse with me. DAMN IT. So I drove back home, got my purse, drove back to Central Market, when I received multiple text messages informing me that both my Facebook and Twitter accounts had been hacked. DAMN IT. Then I got a call from Andy Brown telling me that Perry had already won the primary and that he was revoking my membership in the Democratic party. Fine. You can keep that $20 I donated three years ago.

When I got home I watched other results rolling in, including the propositions on the Republican ballot that ALL PASSED by 90+% of the vote despite my best efforts. The only one that got less than 90% was the sonogram one, with 68% of the vote. So, you know, there’s that. Go ahead. Laugh it up. Mock my pain. I am officially the man without a country.

I arrived at my precinct this morning as confused and desperate as I was the night before, agonizing over what would prove to be the toughest decision of my life. Which primary should I vote in? Do I stick with the Democrats? Or do I go all Rambo and cross over to the Republican primary in the hopes of forcing a runoff? Sitting in my car, I closed my eyes and asked for a sign from the universe and was, as usual, completely ignored. Taking a deep breath, I walked into Maplewood Elementary and asked one of the 100-year-old precinct workers what I should do but unfortunately he was sleeping. Or at least I hope he was asleep.

NOTE TO TRAVIS COUNTY DEMOCRATS: The party is urging you to vote in the Democratic primary, especially considering the importance of down-ballot races. This makes a lot of sense. So you probably shouldn’t be like me and vote in… the Republican primary.

Yes, for the first time ever, I voted as a Republican solely because of the gubernatorial race. Maybe this was the wrong choice, as I have made several over the course of my lifetime. But I already know that Bill White will be the nominee. And the governor’s race is the one closest to my heart, which feels like it’s breaking a little bit after seeing “Republican” stamped on my voting card. If Rick Perry ends up getting enough votes to win the primary, I will no doubt be stripped of my Texas Democrat credentials, which get you into the occasional Scholz’s happy hour. But if there’s a runoff between the three, perhaps my strategy worked and I will be celebrated for years to come.

NOTE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN’T VOTED: You should probably respect your party elders and not follow the example of a hapless blogger who makes decisions based on whether she makes the light or not. It was still yellow! Now I know I should go drink instead of working out! Only you can make this decision. Only you can totally screw this up. Good luck.

I’ve returned from Miami after a harrowing midnight flight from Houston to Austin. It was a very bumpy ride and we were cheerily told more than once to “give an extra little tug” on our seat belts, at which point I started screaming MAYDAY MAYDAY WE’RE GOING DOWN. When we landed with a loud thud, the flight attendant told us not to be alarmed at the emergency vehicles escorting us to the gate and that we had a mechanical problem with our rudder. It wasn’t until I googled “airplane rudder” that I realized I was lucky to escape with my life. Barely.

And the only thing I could think about in those few minutes when I wasn’t sure if we would make it or not was that I never got to finish Game Change. How did it all end? Yes, I broke down and bought Mark Halperin’s extended TMZ feature on his exclusive (read: fabricated) behind-the-scenes look at the 2008 election in which everyone could remember exactly what was said from years before, which is why most comments were in quotes. Seriously? I can’t remember what I said this morning never mind a year ago. I was so embarrassed that I was reading it that I hid it inside Andrew Young’s much more respected The Politician.

When I woke up this morning I realized it’s March 1, which means tomorrow is March 2, which means I need to go vote in the primaries, which means I need to find my driver’s license. I am very confused since I’m not sure if I’m supposed to vote in the Republican primary or the Democratic primary. Apparently the Texas Democratic leadership wants me to cross over and vote for Kay:

We realize that our statewide ticket is very weak, with one exception–Bill White, of course. Don’t waste your vote in the Democratic primary. The best way to help our party and our future nominee for governor is to vote in the REPUBLICAN primary for Kay Bailey Hutchison. The result we seek is for Hutchison to force Rick Perry into a runoff. At the very least, this will embarrass Perry; at the most, it could lead to his defeat.

(This memo could not be verified but it’s still funny.)

If I do this, what are the ethical implications? Am I pretending to be something I’m not? Or, is the line about “our statewide ticket is very weak” just pathetic enough to make me do it? And what of Bill White? Does he really have what it takes to win the nomination against a candidate who has made frizzy-haired women everywhere somewhat attractive again?

There’s a story in WashPost today about White and his chances against beating Perry in the general election. Chris Cillizza lays out White’s case–how Perry’s rush to the right during the primary will alienate independents and moderate Republicans; that White’s got plenty of money; and the fact that Perry only won with 39% last time.

I went to the Austin Chronicle to see what’s on the ballot but was sidetracked by the banner showing that Hall & Oates are coming to Austin March 27. Are you KIDDING me?! That’s like the soundtrack of my formative years. The haunting ballads of “Sara Smile” and “She’s Gone.” The scandalous “Adult Education.” And who could forget perennial favorites “Private Eyes” and “Kiss On My List”?

But I digress. Apparently I’m also supposed to vote for an Ag Commissioner and a Land Commissioner, as well as judges and SBOE members. The only thing I know about some of these down-ballot candidates is that their blockwalkers have dropped off way too many flyers at my house and my recycling bin is now at full capacity. They even tried to get me to stick a Bill White sign in my front yard, to which I responded, back off. I’m a respected journalist.

I missed the first 20 minutes of last night’s Democratic debate so when I got home, I ran inside to turn on KLRU—only stopping for some much-deserved roasted cashews in the kitchen—and all I have to say is, was Wayne’s basement already booked? The venue for the debate looked like it cost about $75. White and Shami were behind lecterns and standing about five feet from each other in the corner of some room in front of an audience of roughly 50 people, only half of whom were awake. The Republicans got an entire stage with professional lighting and crew. I have a feeling that last night’s debate was filmed entirely on a flip cam.

But I digress, as I so often do. That and regress. I thought that Bill White did pretty well considering that he had to debate someone who didn’t really make much sense. And I’m not sure if he had the same problem I did but I couldn’t really listen to Farouk without thinking, “Farouk! Farouk! Farouk is on fire!” by the Bloodhound Gang. (C’mon party people, throw your hands in the air!) Meanwhile, Farouk may have been thrown off by White’s ears. Despite the fact that I criticized the bizarre media attention surrounding White’s auditory organs, I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by them. I felt like that dumb hunky guy in Roxanne who is warned by his fellow firefighters not to look at Steve Martin’s nose and then all he can do is stare at Steve Martin’s nose.

I just spent the past 30 minutes searching for a transcript of the debate since I washed my hands before I could read my notes (OMG!) and couldn’t find it anywhere. The only option was to watch the full hour video on texasdebates.org, which wouldn’t even let you skip ahead. Like I’m going to do that. So I looked at Burka’s blog (again, we had promised that neither of us would liveblog but Burka cannot be trusted) to help me revisit some of my favorite moments of the evening.

–When Shami blamed White for cancer because he has failed to get pollution under control.

–When White knocked Perry for his obsession with toll roads. I mean, if you love toll roads so much, why don’t you marry them?

–When Shami told us that a day without Mexicans is like a day without sunshine.

–When White had to explain E-Verify because Shami didn’t know what it was.

–When Shami said that he would put a moratorium on executions. I cheered and cringed at the same time because NO ONE can win in Texas without praising our criminal justice system and capital punishment. White supports the death penalty but did take the opportunity to slam Perry by bringing up the shuffling of the Forensics Science Commission. Too bad none of the reporters in any of these debates thought the execution of an innocent man and its subsequent cover-up by the governor’s office was important enough to bring up.

–When White responded to the fact that Texas hasn’t elected a Democratic governor in 20 years saying that no one thought the Saints could win the Super Bowl either.

Yeah. And it only took them 40 years to get there.

So yesterday I had to buy a new hair dryer because my old one, which I think I’ve had for 15 years, finally gave out but not before emitting toxic fumes and nearly burning down my bathroom. As I perused the professional salon dryers, I came upon one called the Farouk CHI, which was like $250. Two hundred dollars? I would rather go to work every morning looking like a drowned rat than spend $200 on a hair dryer. I looked at the box again and thought, wait a minute. I’ve heard that name before. Then I realized that I was holding in my hand a product developed by Democratic candidate for governor Farouk Shami. I immediately placed it back on the shelf, looking around to check if anyone had seen me. If I had purchased that dryer, it could have been viewed as a campaign contribution and then I’d get fired for compromising my journalistic objectivity.

This is all to remind you that the Democratic primary debate is on tonight at 7PM on your local PBS station and, unless Debra Medina shows up with her pet gun, it could be the most boring hour of television since my mother-in-law made me watch Undercover Boss last night after the Super Bowl. (Look! The CEO is doing grunt work! He’s just like us! Except he gets paid millions of dollars!) Little known fact—there are actually seven Democratic candidates. The other five just aren’t as qualified as Farouk. Wow. That said, I’ll probably at least have it on in the background while I try out my new CHI flat iron with a picture of Jennifer Aniston taped onto my mirror.