Sarah Palin is a batshit crazy anorexic. Bill Clinton is a racist crotch sniffer who ruined his wife’s campaign. Cindy McCain is a cougar cheater. John Edwards is a dick and his wife is a condescending bitch. So says the long-awaited book deconstructing the 2008 election by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann. Excerpts of Game Change—Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime were released today and everyone is talking about it so I figured we should be talking about it because we are everyone.

The revelations in this book (on sale next week) are stunning which, naturally, makes them questionable in my mind. I mean, Woodward and Bernstein are one thing but Halperin and Heilemann? Sounds like a vaudeville act. Game Change seems more gossip-y than news-y. Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with gossip-y but I don’t see why I DIDN’T GET THAT BOOK DEAL. I could’ve written this thing just by reconstituting all my old blog posts.

One of the first leaked items concerned Harry Reid’s early support of Obama the candidate, saying that the country would embrace him because he was a “light-skinned” African American “with no Negro dialect.” How do these sentences come out of people’s mouths? I’m trying to think of when I would ever employ the use of “Negro dialect” but, yeah, never. Maybe this will finally get Milquetoast Harry and his incomprehensible Mormon dialect out of the leadership circle.

Then there was Bill. “The stories about one woman were more concrete, and after some discreet fact-finding, the group concluded that they were true: that Bill was indeed having an affair—and not a frivolous one-night stand but a sustained romantic relationship.” I’d just like to take this opportunity to say, no, it was not me and, yes, I’m sure she was a skanky ho. I stand by my opinion that Hillary should’ve divorced Bill way before she announced her candidacy. Speaking of ill-matched couples, apparently John and Elizabeth Edwards fought about his affair in front of staffers, and Elizabeth is described as an “abusive, intrusive, paranoid, condescending, crazy woman.” You would be too if you were married to that guy.

Needless to say, Palin gets slammed. “One minute, Palin would be her perky self; the next she would fall into a strange blue funk.” Oh, please. That’s called Monday. Before her campaign-crushing interview with Katie Couric, “her eyes glassy and dead… As they were about to set off to meet Couric, Palin announced ‘I hate this makeup’ – smearing it off her face, messing up her hair, complaining she looked fat.” I do this every morning. These guys are just sexist.

However, I can think of no excuse for this:

“Her foreign policy tutors are literally taking her through, ‘This is World War I, this is World War II, this is the Korean War. This is the how the Cold War worked.’ Steve Schmidt had gone to them and said, ‘She knows nothing,’…A week later, after the convention was over, she still didn’t really understand why there was a North Korea and a South Korea. She was still regularly saying that Saddam Hussein had been behind 9/11. And, literally, the next day her son was about to ship off to Iraq. And when they asked her who her son was going to fight, she couldn’t explain that.”

Another claim from the book: The reason Palin asked Biden during the debate, “Can I call you Joe?” is because while prepping, she repeatedly called him “O’Biden” instead of Biden. Interestingly enough, that’s also why Biden had to call Palin “Sarah.” During preparation, he kept referring to her as “Palindumbass.”

Am I going to buy this book? Of course I’m going to buy this book. I’ll also suggest it to my book club but I’m pretty sure it won’t fly because I think they’re on the ninth book in the Twilight series.

“This shit would be really interesting if we weren’t in the middle of it.”
Barack Obama, September 2008

[NY Daily News]

[Mark Ambinder]

According to the NY Post, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will face off on stage in a political debate at Radio City Music Hall in February. The big event is being billed as “The Hottest Ticket in Political History,” and is a part of MSG Entertainment’s “Minds That Move The World” speakers series. Now this is just cruel. How could you possibly put Bush up against Clinton? It’s not right. Bush’s brain is going to burst into flames on national television. IS THAT WHAT PASSES FOR ENTERTAINMENT THESE DAYS? (Don’t answer that. I’ve already got my TiVo set up to record “V.”)

“Featuring two of the most distinguished political figures of our time, we hope that the speaker series will not only provide guests with an informative and empowering experience that will help them make educated political decisions, but also encourage people to engage in continued dialogue surrounding the most significant current events of our day,” said Melissa Miller Ormond, COO of MSG Entertainment.

Isn’t Bush the guy who said something about needing some wood during his debate with Al Gore? Well, he’s going to need extra wood for this round. Bill Clinton is arguably the most skilled debater of all time. And there’s no time for Bush to train! The man could play Sudoku every night and pop ginkgo biloba with every meal and it still wouldn’t make a difference. This is worse than when Alex had to prep Mallory for that high school quiz show. However, that episode is the only reason why, to this day, I know what SCUBA stands for.

[via Political Wire]

Nevada Sen. John Ensign told the AP Wednesday that his affair wasn’t nearly as bad as Bill Clinton’s affair because he didn’t do anything “legally wrong” when he slept with his friend’s wife and got his parents to pay her close to $100K. Oh, wait. Has bribery been legalized? Because that would be fantastic, given that I just attempted to bribe one of my colleagues with a Starbucks treat receipt so they wouldn’t mention the day drinking.

“President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people,” Ensign said. “You remember that famous day he lied to the American people, plus the fact I thought he suborned perjury. That’s why I voted for the articles of impeachment.”

I totally remember that day because I was like, THE SLUT SET HIM UP! HE’S INNOCENT! BILL, CALL ME!

Speaking at a Chamber of Commerce luncheon, Ensign acknowledged what he called a “distraction.” Yeah. A distraction with boobs. “I think it would be inappropriate to start any other way than to say I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve said I’m sorry. I can’t say I’m sorry enough. I made a big mistake in my life and I apologize once again to all of you.” Damn, man. You’re starting to sound pathetic.

This was Ensign’s first public appearance in his home state since he admitted to the PERFECTLY LEGAL affair with former campaign aide Cynthia Hampton. And as far as we know, she’s over 18.

Barack Obama met with Bill Clinton in his Harlem office today — the first time they’ve met one-on-one during this campaign. Now, I realize there were bruised feelings in the primary between the Clinton and Obama camps, but Bill is still the rock star of this party. (Or, at the very least, he’s the rock star of my heart.)

Some people right here on this very blog have speculated that everything is going according to the Clinton Thermonuclear Plan, which is to torpedo Obama’s campaign so Hillary can run in 2012. As a founding member of the Hillary Truth Brigade, I can assure you this is not the case. However, if Bill was planning something sinister, here’s the last-minute advice he could’ve given Obama today…

• Stop wearing an American flag pin. Now.

• Try to talk more “black.” Pepper your speeches with catch phrases such as “the b*tch set me up!” and “once you go black, you never go back.”

• Let Biden be Biden. Tell him to mention “lipstick” and “pigs” at least 25 times in the debate, and audibly snort every time Palin opens her mouth to speak.

• Brag about the fact that you graduated first in your madrassa class.

• Seek out Jeremiah Wright for spiritual guidance.

• Constantly ask for “double-caf no-foam lattes” at small-town diners.

• Travel everywhere in a Prius.

• Spend more time in Europe, preferably in Paris. Wear a beret.

• Take Kanye West on the campaign trail with you.

• Remind voters that you have a Harvard law degree every chance you get. Pronounce Harvard Hah-vawd.

• From now on, refer to McCain as “Grandpa.”

• New ad with tagline, “I hate white babies.”

Today’s “Good Morning America” had an exclusive with Bill Clinton. Now, I’m more likely to make Belgian waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice for Mr. PL than I am to watch GMA but luckily there’s some group that monitors liberal media bias which does this for me.

The interview, conducted from Liberia, focused mainly on what regrets, if any, Clinton had about Hillary’s campaign. This is so much more fun than asking the former president about the new hospitals his foundation is building in Eastern Rwanda. Snore.

OH YES I KNOW that we all want to see if a red-faced Bill finally breaks down and screams how much he hates Obama and admits to being a closet racist and sleeping with Gina Gershon. We all want to hear Bill say that he blames only himself for Hillary’s loss. But it’s not going to happen. Is the guy still angry? Sure. Is he out there campaigning for Obama? Not really. And if it were your spouse, you’d probably act the same way. If you have a spouse. Not that I’m judging, I just feel sorry for you because you might end up alone.

(By the way, Bill’s looking really old. Like McCain-old. What the hell happened? I mean, aside from that whole open-heart surgery thing.)

Some excerpts from the interview.

KATE SNOW: When your wife finally gave that speech on that Saturday in June, I was there. Watched you a little bit, saw your face. Kind of looked like you’d been crying.

BILL CLINTON: I hadn’t been crying. I was just very proud of her. She has always been a great public servant, but she became a great political leader in this campaign. I thought she was magnificent that day. I was really proud of her. I still am.

SNOW: Your friends tell us that you’re angry.

CLINTON: I’m not. And I never was mad at Senator Obama. I think everybody’s got a right to run for president who qualifies under the Constitution. And I would be the last person to ever begrudge anybody their ambition. And he was a superbly gifted candidate in this election and had a great operation. And, you know, he hit her hard a couple times. The only thing I ever got mad about, people in your line of work, pretending that she had somehow started negative stuff. It’s a contact sport.

SNOW: A lot of people, including your supporters, your donors, say that they blame you at least in part, for her loss. I know you’ve heard this.

CLINTON: No — I’ve heard it from –

SNOW: Do you blame yourself at all?

CLINTON: I’ve heard it from the press. And I will not comment on this because it interferes with the issue, which is who should be elected in November… I live out here in the fact-based world. This type of modern reporting that says, so-and-so anonymous says this. You know they all say this… There was a different standard applied to the finest candidate I ever supported.

SNOW: Do you personally have any regrets about what you did campaigning for your wife?

CLINTON: There are things that I wished I urged her to do. Things I wished I had said. Things I wished I hadn’t said. But I am not a racist. I never made a racist comment and I didn’t attack him personally.

Clinton insists the hard-fought primary season made Barack Obama a stronger candidate. Is he ready to be president?

CLINTON: You could argue that no one is ever ready to be president. I mean, I certainly learned a lot about the job in the first year… He clearly can inspire and motivate people and energize them which is a very important part of being a president. And he’s smart as a whip, so there’s nothing he can’t learn.

He won’t comment on whether he thinks his wife ought to be Obama’s running mate.

CLINTON: It’s up to him. It’s none of his business. This is my life now… You have to live in the moment. Time is passing. You can’t make yesterday again. You have to live in the moment and go forward.

Thank you, Eckhart Tolle. Although Bill’s incredibly defensive, I liked how he took on Kate Snow. Her questions were stupid. In fact, I think she’s stupid. (I’m cranky. It’s hot. Leave me alone.) And, I can’t help it. I still like him, crazy and all.

(Video here. Note the title on the video: “Clinton Denies Racism Claims.” That made up all of… one sentence during the interview.)

I finally got around to reading Todd Purdum’s piece on Bill Clinton in Vanity Fair. It was all I could do to tear myself away from the July cover featuring Angelina’s enormous twins. I found my protective side kicking in, as I thought, LEAVE THE MAN ALONE. I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.

Many of Clinton’s friends and longtime aides were interviewed for the article (anonymously, of course), and the general consensus was, Bill has gone bat. shit. crazy. Whether it’s his questionable business associations or his congenital skirt-chasing (Gina Gershon?!), the man has finally lost it.

Now, we’ve known all along that Bill is tragically flawed. He’s reckless and selfish and egotistical. But he was also a great president and remains a brilliant and charismatic man. Please let me cling to this. It’s all I have.

Still, Purdum is quite convincing: To know Clinton is, sooner or later, to be exasperated by his indiscipline and disappointed by his shortcomings. But through it all, it has been easy enough to retain an enduring admiration–even affection–for a president whose sins against decorum and the dignity of his office seemed venial in contrast to the systemic indifference, incompetence, corruption, and constitutional predations of his successor’s administration. That is, easy enough until now.

Some allegations from Purdum’s piece:

He’s running with a fast crowd — the world of the rich and famous and morally ambiguous.
His business dealings and investments are questionable and possibly unethical and maybe illegal.
He’s lost his touch — he’s no longer the political mastermind we all knew and loved.
He’s angry.

Plus there’s a new so-called “butt boy” in town, the person responsible for being Bill’s go-to guy, his personal and closest aide. Apparently 35-year-old Doug Band has not been the best “handler” of Bill, who now requires constant parental supervision. Many of Clinton’s (one-time) inner circle blame Band for Bill’s downhill spiral.

But there are also people who defend Clinton. “The ills of the Democratic Party can be seen perfectly in the willingness of fellow Democrats to say bad things about President Clinton,” said spokesman Jay Carson. “If you ask any Republican about Reagan they will say he still makes the sun rise in the morning, but if you ask Democrats about their only two-term president in 80 years, a man who took the party from the wilderness of loserdom to the White House and created the strongest economy in American history, they’d rather be quoted saying what a reporter wants to hear than protect a strong brand for the party.”

I see some truth in that. (And, the “wilderness of loserdom”? Brilliant. As well as one of my favorite vacation destinations.) There is no real evidence to back up Purdum’s charges. I’m sure Clinton has burned a lot of bridges, especially after Hillary’s campaign (DAMN YOU BILL), and I’m sure he’s no saint, but he’s done a lot of good. A lot. This story kind of seems like a pit bull piece, kicking a man when he’s already down.

For example, was this description really necessary? But if much about Clinton is familiar to one who covered him in his prime, other aspects of his appearance and demeanor are unsettling. He is visibly older and thinner. His hair is whiter and his countenance paler. At times, as the day wears on, he makes an odd cotton-mouth sound, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth as he talks.

An odd cotton-mouth sound? I could have done without that.

Then Purdum goes into the lasting effects of Bill’s quadruple bypass surgery in 2004, and quotes a doctor who has never treated Clinton personally about all the problems Clinton’s probably having. It reminds me of those doctors that appear on TV giving their expert opinions on Britney Spears.

“I would think mood changes would be a big issue in his life from that bypass surgery, especially having to go back a second time,” said Dr. Thomas Traill, a prominent cardiologist. “Many people who have bypass surgery get depressed afterward, while others suffer from increased irritability. It’s very similar to postpartum depression.”

Similar to postpartum depression? Does that last for four years?

Traill adds that “it’s also true that a lot of people are never really the same again, that their mood is not right. So whether or not he’s, as they like to say, clinically depressed, his mood cannot be the same as before this happened.” I mean, these are serious allegations to make about someone you’ve never seen.

And I should know. Many of you have made several psychiatric diagnoses of me in the past and, I’m happy to say, they’ve all been off the mark. Except the one about being a compulsive liar.

I see nothing wrong in holding grudges until they eat you up inside. I myself have a shit list of everyone who’s ever wronged me in the past, mostly consisting of commenters on this blog. Some of you have stars by your names, which means you have wronged me several times and are featured daily in my revenge fantasies.

But I’ll tell you one list you don’t want to be on. The Clinton list. Doug Band, a member of the Clinton inner circle, maintains a database of past allies and beneficiaries of the Clintons who did the unthinkable and supported Obama and must be killed while making it look accidental.

“The Clintons get hundreds of requests for favors every week,” said Terry McAuliffe. “Clearly, the people you’re going to do stuff for in the future are the people who have been there for you.” Totally. I keep a record of who gives me birthday presents, and if someone doesn’t give me a birthday present, they better not even THINK that I’ll get them one for their birthday. Quid pro quo, Dr. Lecter.

But McAuliffe insists that Band does not keep score for revenge. He does it because he no longer has a job.

According to some Hillary associates, people on the list are classified as “ingrates,” “traitors,” or “enemies,” depending on their transgressions. For example, the Kennedys would fall under ingrates; Bill Richardson and Claire McCaskill are traitors; and David Axelrod is a mortal enemy. Apparently MSNBC also made the list, which means the entire cable network could be taken down at any moment (God willing).

Hillary’s supporters have their own lists. Susie Tompkins Buell, a longtime friend, said her list includes “all the women who sold out Hillary.” OMG, you guys are so f*ucked.

I’ve decided what Hillary must do. She has to file for divorce.

It may be too late but if she did, I guarantee her numbers as well as her mood would improve. Just imagine the headlines. “Senator Clinton files for divorce, cites irreconcilable political differences.” No longer could people talk about a co-presidency. It would just be Hillary in the Oval Office. And, if we want to get away from Clinton fatigue, she could go back to her maiden name, Rodham.

I’M SEMI-SERIOUS HERE.

The ghost of Bill would be exorcised. She would no longer have to make excuses for her husband. She would be her own woman. Women would respect her for it, and men would be lining up to be First Boyfriend.

In fact, I’m really hoping that Hillary’s reading this post because I suggest she announce at tonight’s debate. After giving her opening statement, she can add, “Also, I’ve filed for divorce.” Charlie Gibson would be speechless. The crowd would be shocked. Even the blue-collars, clinging to their guns for dear life, would pay attention. And Obama wouldn’t be able to attack her at all for fear of looking brutish and insensitive.

Any negative press would be viewed as anti-divorce bias, and divorced superdelegates would switch to Hillary.

I have no idea why I didn’t think of this sooner.

It’s hard being the smartest girl in the room. I feel like no one really gets to know me. No one takes the time to talk to me, afraid that I will engage them in a battle of wits. What are the names of all the Supreme Court justices? How many versions of Law & Order are on TV? If a honeydew, why cantaloupe?

For Hillary Clinton, her smarts are starting to become an issue with voters in Iowa and New Hampshire, who admire her intelligence and experience but don’t really like her all that much. So Hillary’s campaign has rolled out a new slogan called “The Hillary I Know.” Her website now features close to 40 video testimonials from friends, constituents, and me. I did like 32 of them.

On the campaign trail Tuesday with Bill, Hillary told voters that the confidantes speaking on her behalf are “people who have known me, who can talk about what I do when the lights are off.”

To which Bill quipped, “Sometimes we’re just sleeping… because we’re so tired.” And other times, they’re getting crazy kinky and calling each other “Mr. President.”

There are glimpses here and there of Hillary’s personal life, such as when she was in junior high school and had “really thick glasses” but would take them off occasionally because “there was always some boy or another that I was hoping would notice me.” Thick glasses? Oh please. Try being 4’6″ and weighing 75 pounds. In order to get boys to notice me, I had to walk down the hallways on stilts.

I’m thinking of adding a video section called “The Eileen I Know” to the site — you will all be able to submit testimonials.

In a showdown reminiscent of Ali versus George Foreman, of Rocky versus Ivan Drago, of Marie Osmond versus Mel B., two major heavyweights will campaign in Iowa for frontrunners Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Oprah Winfrey and Bill Clinton will be traveling the state with their favorite candidates attempting to shore up votes, especially among women voters, before the Jan. 3 Iowa caucuses. For her part, Oprah plans to give a free midsize Pontiac G6 to everyone who pledges their vote to Obama.

Oprah, listed as one of the most powerful voices in public life by Forbes, has never endorsed a presidential candidate. She has, however, endorsed some really awful books. The talk show host presents a formidable challenge to Bill Clinton’s star power and charm; however, Bill has never just sat there smiling while Tom Cruise jumped on his couch in the throes of a psychotic episode.

A spokesman for John Edwards, Eric Schultz, said that “John Edwards’s 80-page ‘Plan to Build One America’ may not show up on Oprah’s Book Club anytime soon, but we think voters in Iowa and New Hampshire will value the specifics in that book just as much as a visit from any big celebrities.” Sad, really. The Edwards camp does have Bonnie Raitt. Sad, really.

According to the most recent Washington Post/ABC News poll, Obama is running neck-in-neck in Iowa with Clinton among women. But Hillary has the support of the advocacy group Emily’s List, headed by a woman named Emily, which has announced a statewide drive to turn out female voters for her. Meanwhile, the Obama camp has announced that Oprah will bring them the coveted miserable drunken housewife vote.

According to The Hill, Republicans are jumping on an allegation that Hillary listened in on a secretly recorded audiotape of a phone conversation of Clinton opponents plotting their next political attack on her husband during the 1992 presidential campaign. The report comes from a recent book, “Her Way.”

Co-authors Don Van Natta and Jeff Gerth write:

“Hillary’s defense activities ranged from the inspirational to the microscopic to the down and dirty. She received memos about the status of various press inquiries; she vetted senior campaign aides; and she listened to a secretly recorded audiotape of a phone conversation of Clinton critics plotting their next attack.”

Honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with listening into other people’s phone conversations, especially if those other people happen to be older sisters with boyfriends. Being the youngest, it was my job to monitor my sisters’ phone calls by running to the kitchen whenever the phone rang, stealthily picking it up while they answered upstairs, wrapping an old t-shirt around the mouthpiece and recording the sexually charged conversations. I also became an expert at picking the locks on their diaries.

However, for Hillary, this revelation may not be so simple. The issue of government surveillance without a warrant, via electronic spying and inserting microchips into our brains while we sleep, will be a major discussion this fall.

Hillary is opposed to expanding the surveillance program and, as one GOP official said, “It is rather unbelievable that Clinton would listen in to conversations being conducted by political opponents, but refuse to allow our intelligence agencies to listen in to conversations being conducted by terrorists as they plot and plan to kill us. Team Clinton can expect to see and hear this over and over again over the course of the next year.”

Stop. You’re scaring me.

I missed Bill Clinton.

No, not at the book signing this morning where all the common folk lined up around GSD&M for hours hoping to catch a glimpse of the Silver Fox. But just now. Just. Now.

I was shopping at Anthropologie on 6th and Lamar for nothing in particular, meaning I had to pick up each item of clothing, frown, and place it back unfolded to give the girls there something to do. Around 45 minutes later, I emerged with one skirt from the sale rack (BELOW the knee). I decided to go to BookPeople to flip through magazines with the rest of the lonely Austinites.

As I approached the door, I noticed five men in dark suits and sunglasses talking into earpieces. I paused. That couldn’t possibly be Secret Service, could it? Clinton was here to sign books at 11AM. There’s just no way he’s still here at 3:30PM. He should be at Guero’s by now.

But then the BookPeople staff was acting strange. Even stranger than usual. As I glanced around, I saw a guy grab one of Clinton’s “Giving” books and run upstairs. I saw other shoppers looking around and mumbling something about Clinton being on the third floor. I played it cool by walking briskly up the stairs and asking where the children’s section was. I fully expected to see the former President there at the table, smiling, waiting for me.

That was the second floor. He was on the third floor, where only staff was allowed. Are you kidding me?! Like those burn-outs can have an intelligent conversation with Bill Clinton?! Then I did what anybody would do in my place. I ran out of the store, back into Anthropologie, purchased a slick black suit and pretended I was with the Secret Service. I even stuck my earpiece from my blackberry in my ear and started talking in code.

Still, no Bill. DAMN IT, I heard myself saying, as did all the other shoppers. I walked up to one of the registers and stared at the girl. “He’s still here, isn’t he,” I said. She looked at me with a blank expression. “If you don’t tell me what I want to know, then it’ll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt,” I threatened. She told me I had missed him. That he was there, casually walking around, talking to everyone as he shopped. 30 minutes ago.

I missed Bill Clinton because I chose to go shopping for clothes. Oh my life is just a BIG JOKE to you, isn’t it, Universe?

Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton descended on Selma, Alabama Sunday to commemorate the historical civil rights march to Montgomery and the 1965 Voting Rights Act. This was the first time that Obama and Clinton attended the same event, side by side, and the only awkward part was that they both wore the exact same pantsuit.

Sen. Clinton spoke of the Voting Rights Act at the First Baptist Church. “Today, it is giving Senator Obama the chance to run for president. And by its logic and spirit, it is giving the same chance to Gov. Bill Richardson to run as a Hispanic. And, yes, it is giving me that chance. And yes, John Edwards is a privileged white Southern man who took his civil rights for granted. And, just to clarify, none of my ancestors ever owned any slaves.”

Bill Clinton was also in Selma being inducted into the Voting Rights Hall of Fame. Let’s face facts. Obama might be the fresh face of the Democratic party but Bill still reigns supreme. And he’s working behind the scenes on behalf of his wife. Take civil rights leader and Congressman John Lewis, who was this close (my thumb and index finger are almost touching) to announcing his support for Obama.

But then he got the phone call from Bill, asking him to support his wife, putting Lewis in an uncomfortable position. Bill is used to putting people in uncomfortable positions. (/What?!)

“One day I lean one way, the next day I lean another way,” Lewis said. “I feel like Anne Heche.”

The black vote is extremely important for any Democratic nominee. Despite Republican efforts to attract black voters, even John Kerry won almost 90 percent of the black vote in the last election. That guy’s whiter than Joe Biden, although not quite as clean.

“I talked with President Clinton. I know him a little better than I know Mrs. Clinton,” Lewis said. “Some of us are caught in between, but isn’t it healthy that we have the luxury to choose between two wonderful, gifted politicians?”

It sure is. Until they start ripping each other apart.

By Fled the Asylum

After years of having his record attacked by Republicans, and not being defended by Democrats in power (by ‘in power,’ I mean, ‘with access to the Congressional vending machines’), former President Bill Clinton accepted a gift wrapped in an ambush on Fox News Sunday.

He showed America what we’ve been waiting to see for the last six years – balls… Waitaminute! uhm…guts, moxie, cojones – Shi*t! Damn his healthy libido for putting me in this situation. Anyway, as it turns out, the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a perfectly good field somewhere in Pennsylvania might not have been entirely his fault. Boy, do those douchebags behind ABC’s Path to 9/11 have egg on their face!

Promoting the Clinton Global Initiative, the President (sigh), uhh former President, went on a promotional tour of New York that took him to every network short of TLC, which already has a Clinton of its own. As a part of this effort, President Clinton (the past one, not the future one) made his maiden appearance on Fox News… which is where you would think he fu*cked up – BUT this is Bill Clinton we’re talking about.

In order to land the president, Fox News agreed to carve out approximately half of the time they would have spent casting aspersions on his wife, daughter and late mother (Jew) to discus the Global Initiative. In this vein, the interview got off to a fairly pleasant start, with Fox News’ Chris Wallace bringing up Clinton’s forthcoming death, and his plans for whiling away his remaining days under the Reaper’s watchful gaze. Small talk, really.

The party got started when Wallace hid behind ‘e-mail from viewers’ who wanted to know something along the lines of why Bill Clinton invited Osama Bin Laden to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom in exchange for a campaign contribution after the withdrawal of troops from Somalia in 1993. It’s a good thing that this was Sunday morning, cuz my boy Bill responded with more Gospel truth than Fox News has handled in its filthy little tenure.

Although much has been made, by dumbass*es like Chris Wallace about the tenor of his response, the President (ugh) former President laid out, very rationally, his role in fighting terrorism, and spoke frankly about his regret that he was unable to send troops into Afghanistan to capture bin Laden after the Cole bombing.

Clinton added, “If I were still president, we’d have more than 20,000 troops there trying to kill him. Now, I’ve never criticized President Bush, bless his little heart, and I don’t think this is useful. But you know we do have a government that thinks Afghanistan is only one-seventh as important as Iraq.”

Oooh! SNAP!!!

Apparently, the Clinton team had written up a plan for the removal of the Taliban from Afghanistan, and the capture of Osama bin Laden, but was unable to execute the plan before good government expired on January 20, 2001. Of course, they handed the plan, and the nation’s foremost expert on terrorism – Dick Clarke – to the new team – the Bush team, who totally would have responded, ‘cept nobody told Dubya he was s’posta.

According to 9/11 Commissioner Richard Ben-Veniste, appearing Monday on CNN’s The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, the current President (groan) was essentially not aware that the US had promised to take action against those responsible for the Cole bombing, didn’t think about taking action against those responsible, but somehow did manage to lose an argument about going after those responsible…

So, with that said – I guess it wasn’t really his responsibility either… cuz he didn’t know…

You know, there are certain power couples that we all know by name. Brangelina. Bennifer. Billary. Bill and Hillary Clinton are not all that different from most married couples. They stopped having sex years ago. And one’s an ex-president and another’s a senator-turned-presidential candidate. OK. Maybe they are different.

Since last year, the Clintons have been together roughly 14 days a month. Not bad, considering the fact that they despise each other. Seriously. They make Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards look like the couple of the year. Their aides, however, contend that they want to spend as much time together as possible. For example, last fall, Bill went to great lengths to squeeze in a couple hours with Hillary before he jumped on a flight for Newark. After realizing that he wasn’t getting a blow job.

Friends like to tell “old-married-couple stories of them gardening and playing Scrabble.” No wonder he strayed. That’s like being married to someone who blogs and does crossword puzzles.

Hillary’s supporters can’t quite figure out what to do with Bill concerning her presidential ambitions. For one, he’s reportedly still f*cking everything that moves. But as Gore learned, it may be better to live with him than live without him.

And as Monica learned, it may be best to just swallow your pride.

It takes two days for a bruised ego to heal.

On Friday night, I attended the Legacy Dinner honoring Bernard Rapoport, benefiting CPPP. The keynote speaker was President Bill Clinton. Somehow, I had been granted a free pass into the event (and by ‘granted,’ I mean ‘badgered event insiders to the point of harassment’). I was told that I’d be seated at the press table. Me! At the press table! Although I knew my presence there would be greeted with the usual “oh-god-don’t-make-eye-contact-she’ll-try-to-make-small-talk” looks, I didn’t care. I ironed a skirt, BRUSHED MY HAIR, and waited for Lawrence Collins and Andy Brown (paid ticketholders) to pick me up.

When we arrived at the Palmer Events Center, I went up to the table to get my ticket. They checked, looked at me (somewhat disdainfully, I might add) and asked if it could be under another name. My cheeks started burning, and I hadn’t even been drinking yet. “Um, I think I might be seated at the press table?” I said uncertainly, in a small voice usually reserved for 6-year-olds. “Oh, the PRESS table (slight snort)… follow me.” The woman walked me into the room, past the dining tables with fresh linens, floral centerpieces and bottles of wine, past the camera men in jeans and right to… the press table.

Lawrence and Andy? The fancy table with the mousse parfait. Me? The press table. No tablecloth. No fancy dinner. No wine. Instead, boxed dinners. Iced tea. I thought about running. I felt like such a fool.

Who did I think I was, waltzing in here like I’m an FOB? I didn’t even deserve to be with the press – they were on their laptops looking like, you know, reporters. I had a wrinkled up $20 that Lawrence had pushed into my urchin hand before he walked off to where the beautiful people sat. That bought me two thimble-sized glasses of white wine. I might as well have been a caterer. I think Bruce Gibson asked me to refresh his drink. I did end up eating the entire boxed dinner, including my chocolate chunk cookie that John Moritz of the Star-Telegram was shamelessly eyeing (to be fair, he only got oatmeal raisin).

Clinton spoke for about 18 minutes, eager to spend the rest of his weekend in Austin with George Soros and Gueros. After the event had ended, Clinton made his way to the door, secret service men in tow.

It had been a rough night, but I wasn’t going to leave empty handed (not counting the floral arrangement I swiped off one table). I was getting my picture of Clinton. I had to elbow quite a few starry-eyed blue haired ladies out of the way. One of them even threw her girdle at him.

So THAT’S what gets you noticed. (Worked for Monica.) (OH NO I DIDN’T!)

(Sidebar: Apparently Clinton has been making friendship bracelets in his spare time.)

You know, if Kinky Friedman (who just collected enough signatures to make it on the November ballot) used his cigar to pleasure interns instead of using it as a silly campaign prop, he’d be so much cooler.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, President Clinton is coming to Austin. Just writing that makes my pulse race. The man is a legend in the Smith household, except for my dad, who considers him a bum, much like my college boyfriend.

Clinton will be the keynote speaker at CPPP’s Legacy Dinner honoring noted philanthropist Bernard Rapoport next Friday, which will finally answer my question about who, exactly, is not Rapoport. If you want to buy a ticket to the event, you’ll need $200. Most of you don’t make that kind of a coin in a month but perhaps you can join an experimental drug study (see TJ Shroat for details).

As for me, I’ll be sneaking into the event disguised as Hillary. I’ll only blow my cover when I throw my thong up to the podium.

President Bill Clinton spoke at the Texas Book Festival on Saturday, and I was one of the lucky ones who got a wristband and gained entrance to the House Chamber. I was THIS CLOSE to him. So I started snapping pictures like a madwoman, my eyes misting over, my heart pounding through my chest. A part of me wondered, does he remember me?

How could he not? It was 1998, and I had an internship as the DC correspondent for the Waterloo Courier in Iowa. These were my golden years – reporting on ethanol subsidies and benefits for old people. My big break came when I attended a Conference on Aging (we’re talking Iowa here, people) at the White House, and Clinton spoke to us. I shook his hand. Our eyes locked for a brief moment. I bet a day hasn’t gone by that I don’t think about what could have been.