So last night I get a call from one of my well-placed sources that The Bachelor is at Hotel San Jose, sipping champagne with some nameless, faceless girl who is not me. After berating the tipster for daring to interrupt Law & Order: SVU because I MAY KID ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS but I don’t kid about L&O (this ripped-from-the-headlines story was about that high school pregnancy pact in Boston, I was glued).

What am I to do with this information? Sure, I recognize that there are plenty of single, desperate girls reading this blog, possibly entangled in a pre-conception pact where women not even thinking about getting pregnant need to stop drinking right now for the good of the non-baby. But how am I supposed to get in touch with them at a moment’s notice? I mean, aside from my special distress bat-signal that reads Get Your Slut On.

You see, since the election ended, this is how I spend my time. That, and in the sauna at the gym. Yesterday, a woman dressed from head to toe (yes, socks and shoes too) was texting away on her blackberry, completely oblivious to the fact that she had cranked the temperature up to a balmy 300 degrees and I was about to burst into flames.

By Smooch

Let me start with an apology. For those of you waiting for Bachelor recaps. And for those of you blissfully reveling in no Bachelor recaps. It’s back.

I was boycotting this British import. I don’t like him. He was using his position as the only man multiple women are fighting over. The women were humiliating themselves and he was backing them into corners to profess their love to him. But then I realized, that is every Bachelor. I just expected more from “gentleman” Matthew Grant. (It’s the accent.)

Here are snippets of what you missed if you haven’t been keeping track:

• Playing tennis gives women lots of opportunities to flash their knickers.
• When drunk skanks get desperate to be picked, they revert to flashing their diamond-encrusted black bra and saying something that sounded a lot like “very nice” in a Borat impersonation. If you actually know what she said, I’ll buy you a shot at the Marq.
• Playing rugby gives women an opportunity to roll around together in the mud, hit each other, and pull over each others’ hot pants, revealing their knickers. Or fannies.
• Handstand contests also give women an opportunity to flash their knickers.
• There’s always one who breaks the unspoken rules when eight women are courting one man. She will say, “Darling, I’m not here to play fair or make friends. I’m here for Matt.” But then she’ll cry that the other women don’t like her. This season, it was the overplucked Robin.
• Singer/songwriter bemoaning the fact that she was cut because Matt only sees her as a singer/songwriter. Cut to “just a second” while she regains herself and sings, “I fear that I’ll fall so hard and you’ll just break my heart,” a song she wrote and sang for Matt.

In the last episode, Matt redeemed himself with me by finally cutting evil Robin. She gets the award for bitter departure saying “the other girls sucked,” and “if he picks one of the other girls, it’s going to last a couple of months.” Duh. If he picked you, it would last a couple of months too. He also cut Marshana who liked to wear saris she designed and bejeweled her hair part. And throw whisks.

Next week is the hometown dates with…

Shayne: YES! The Renegade back on the small screen. I have to say Shayne is my favorite. First, she embraces her high-maintenanceness. She laughs as she pulls lipgloss, a mirror, and a blush brush from her ski parka. On the slopes. She laughs, but she still applies the lipgloss. She has an entire suitcase full of shoes, including three pairs of off-white boots. She is also almost never 1) in an upright position or 2) without a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

Amanda: Meeps! She gets nervous hiccups. Describes her family as redneck. This hometown should be interesting.

Chelsea (aka “the forehead”): Put a hat or a sweatband on that girl and she is cute. I think this is as far as a pharmaceutical sales rep has ever gone.

Noelle: Shy photographer. Or is she just snoresville?

Tuesday: Hometown Ho-Down

By Smooch

It’s hard to miss that last night was The Bachelor “finale” (but oh, the drama’s just begun). Brad’s face was smugly posted above the fold on today’s Statesman. Bastard. If you missed it (and I hope for your sake you did) Brad chose…nobody. Jenni and DeAnna both got the axe in what I can safely say was the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER.

I am so conditioned to The Bachelor “formula” that it took me about 15 minutes to realize the “hometown” dates weren’t taking place in Brad’s hometown of Austin. I just thought it was a really nice section of Lake Travis, with endless water views, white sandy beaches and, porpoises jumping in the distance. This Malibu locale was the first indication that something was horribly wrong. Brad didn’t want them to know where he lives.

The last dates were sterile. Ugly nautically-themed bachelor pad with black leather sofas. We finally meet Brad and Chad’s younger brother, Sad. He is a completely average-looking guy you would never pick out of a crowd and has THOSE brothers. Poor thing. Brad has more fun being pushed in the pool by his brothers than hanging out with the bachelorettes.

Then came the “romantic” dinners in the nasty corporate housing Gables apartments. You get a real feel of how intimate and natural the date is when you see the cameraman’s shoulder in a shot, hovering over Brad while he eats lasagna (“You gonna finish that?”).

Finally, the moment we’ve been waiting for. Jenni was the first out of the limo. Uh. Oh. I knew I lost the bet at that moment. She got the speech about how he thought highly of her but didn’t feel “more.” In tears and embarrassed for laying bare her true feelings, she took the lonely stretch limo ride home. The bitter irony of a woman who has two connected smiley faces underneath a heart tattooed on her deltoid.

We all got ready for sunshine and flowers and promises of a life together for DeAnna. Brad started off singing her praises and saying marriage was a “one time only” endeavor and “that’s why I said good-bye to Jenni.” DeAnna beams. But Brad walks away from the podium and starts circling the yard like a dachshund looking for a good place to poop as DeAnna hoisted up her ill-fitting gold lame babydoll dress. Then he headed back to the podium to poop on DeAnna. Due to her restasis, she couldn’t generate real tears, but her upper lip started tearing up.

At the end there is just Brad looking wistfully at the diamond engagement ring he picked out and sniffing the last rose. What. Just. Happened. I can’t decide if this is the best Bachelor ending ever, or the worst. I respect that he recognized he did not find love with either women. Realistically, what are the chances that a wife could be found among a group of 25 women chosen by producers for their looks and their potential for making good television (volatility)? Why bother with the media circus of “we’re engaged and so happy”? Everyone knows it will be over in another 8 weeks.

And Brad couldn’t give them the “I’m just not into you” speeches, because it would ruin the show. Still. I felt lead on. Referring to DeAnna as the employee/sister-in-law in one. Saying how he could see himself with them as wives (each separately, not together). This isn’t Big Love, or Rock of Love for that matter.

Saddest moment in Bachelor history: DeAnna walking back to the Gables, shoes in hand. Ugh. She is too pretty to walk like a neanderthal.

You have to respect Brad for being true to himself. Instead of falling in love BY himself (like Bettina) he fell in love WITH himself. “I choose me.” If it were a Bachelorette making this decision, it would be girl power. For him it just confirms he is the Real Bachelor, an incorrigible player. He realized that there is a lot more BEEP he wants to BEEP his BEEEEP in.

Skanks all over Austin are doing their happy dance and shopping for strapless mini dresses.

By Smooch

I am compelled to report on another PL/Smooch encounter with the Womack twins. They keep showing up to their bar when we go there. Stalkers. This time, Brad and Chad were manning a skank receiving line in the VIP section next to the dance floor. I tried all my best dance moves: Grease guns, running man, and Tricky, but still did not meet Brad.

Last night was The Bachelorettes Tell All, which is only about 35% new content. I figure that means I only have to write up about 35% what I normally do. This show is annoying because the women have weeks to prepare their talking points and responses. You know how someone will say something evil to you and you think of the perfect response about 15 minutes later? The bachelorettes all have crib notes stuffed in their bras.

Hillary complains that Brad gave her the “friend card” and brushes off her multiple crying jags with jokes about PMDD. Here is a shocking revelation. Hillary is a bigger biyatch than anyone suspected. We finally find out why McCarten was dubbed McStanky by Hillary. Apparently her taco is a little on the fishy side.

Hillary also called Bettina a used car — sometimes you need to kick the tires to see if she still runs. I’m not so sure if kicking the tires is related to whether a car is functional, but I think it’s the blond way of saying the lights are on, but nobody’s home. With these little morsels, why was Hillary the one who was always crying?

Twin brother Chad still loves Sheena, actually EVEN MORE since he’s seen the show. He must have used the restroom when they showed Sheena’s crazy drunk mother. Or maybe it made him respect her survival skills. I’m sensing a cover-up. Bettina tries to spin her judgmental family into Brad actually needing to chill.

Brad pours on the Texas charm, saying he wishes he could hug every one of those chicks in ’80s dresses on the stage and that every rose ceremony broke his heart. He looked real heartbroken hooking up with the threesome in Cabo. At the end there is a segment about what they should look for in the next Bachelor. Bettina can’t resist — the Bachelor should be hot AND well-educated. Ouch.

By Smooch

The second to last episode of “The Bachelor” (reunion night doesn’t count) is the Hodown Showdown where they take the girls to an exotic locale (Cabo) and present the “fantasy suite” card — the women can elect whether or not they want to shack up with the Bachelor, or forgo and completely screw themselves. Tickled Pink excitedly declared, “Oh, it’s Fuck Night!”

First date was frontrunner Jenni, who got the first impression rose and the first kiss (are they setting us up here?). Brad and Jenni swam with the dolphins, who performed tricks like giving kisses, taking them for rides and jumping through Jenni’s gigantic hoop earrings.

The attraction was brought to a boiling point. At the end of dinner for two, Jenni wasted no time. She put her hand down Brad’s pants to find the fantasy suite key and said, “I’m pretty sure you have something special in your pocket and I want it.” Who doesn’t love a horny girl? (Do they sell that t-shirt at Target?)

In a misleading twist, the making out on the bed is a little lackluster, even post-coital in nature. But one of our friend’s cut through this. Brad still had to get up from the bed to shut the door on the camera. If he had pressed his body against Jenni’s, it would be a one-way ticket to Boner City. I think we know that Jenni racked up another first on this date.

Boring Bettina is next. Brad takes Daddy’s Little Rich Girl on an America’s Cup sailboat. On the date, she claims that the only concern her family had was how into Bettina Brad was. Does she not remember Hostile Dad saying that it was a “disappointment” that Brad had no degree and the stepmother disparaging the “bunch of bars” that Brad ran? I don’t know what the problem with Brad is. I mean, it’s not like he’s a serial rapist.

Brad finally got her out of the “formal setting” (aka cameras in her face) and into the hot tub in the fantasy suite where he said she took his breath away. She looked like she was about one breath away from passing out. Eat something. My own personal theory on Bettina and why he didn’t cut her last week after her family treated him like dirt? Grudge fuck.

Finally he goes on dune buggies with DeAnna. At dinner she delivers her perfectedly rehearsed speech, accented with excessive blinking, about how she feels a “true connection” and that she was “falling in love” with him. Blink. Blink. She finally let down the “wall around her heart.” Blink. Blink. To me he looked really into her. Touching her face when kissing and saying he could spend a lifetime with her. Or maybe he finally got in the zone in the third night of non-stop hooking up.

Brad ends up cutting Bettina because he was unsure about her substance and couldn’t figure out who she really is. Which is a Fembot. She tries to cry in the Escalade ride to the airport, but she’s not programmed to.

Next week is the Reunion show. I don’t know if I can watch it. Unless they are serving drinks and that skinny chick takes out her bra cutlet again….

By Smooch

The hometown showdown always introduces a number of “characters” in the family members of the bachelorettes and you are left wondering if they have completely destroyed the deep, meaningful relationships these women have spent DAYS building with The Bachelor.

Frontrunner Jenni brings Bachelor Brad to meet her family in Wichita, KS. Her hoops have gotten even bigger, and it must be hereditary because sister is wearing matching gigantic hoop earrings. The date starts on a local stage where Jenni launched her dancing career.

She dances tap, freestyle, and jazz hands for Brad in between declarations of “how embarrassed” she is. On her way to meet her family, they pass Teddy Bares, where Jenni will no doubt end her dancing career. This is the first time I’ve seen Brad back away from Jenni a little bit. The barefoot tapdancing – not attractive.

Introducing Character 1: Crazy Grandma. The Grandma usually shakes her finger or is inappropriately sexual. This one takes it to a new level with her “Honest to Goodness 100% Grandma” t-shirt and the wagging of her liver-spotted arm in Brad’s face. Somebody please throw Grandma from the Train.

I forgot to mention the family dinner takes place in Jenni’s mother’s hair salon. Where mom gives Brad a quick wash and blow. You can see him sweat worrying if she’s going to get the hair gel styling just so. Hey, hair like that doesn’t just happen.

Jenni finds out she makes the Phoenix Suns dance team. Yay! One more year she can be a dance skank in Phoenix instead of a shampoo girl in Wichita. She also confesses she is one million percent into Brad. Even Grandma knows you can’t give more than 110%.

Next up is Sheena, in Crazytown, CA. We see a shot of her parents on their boat and clearly Sheena inherited her fake tig ole bitties from Momma. Mom and Dad must save a bundle by sharing the same maroon hair color.

Character 2: Drunk Mom. Mom weighs about 85 lbs, tits and all, and is slurring about five minutes into the outing. She marvels that Brad and her husband share the same sign. It’s destiny! She corners Brad to tell him that her 23-year-old daughter is ready to be “one man’s everything.”

She goes on about how Sheena’s the one, she might be someone else’s one, but she’s the one. Pachelbel’s Canon is cued in the background (I’m not making this up) as she tells Brad that as a Fashion Coordinator (huh?) she’s ready to plan the wedding. They even have a flower girl lined up for Christ’s sake. Just give her the ring!!!!

Third to bat. Canton, GA with DeAnna. And she came to play. She greets Brad with a basket of peaches. They dine at her father’s tastefully upscale abode. They get him loaded on ouzo and dancing. Then she plays her trump card — photo album of the dead mother.

Finally, we get to Bettina in my hometown of D.C. And we are introduced to…

Character 3: Hostile Dad. Hostile Dad has a Ph.D. and is burning a candle for Bettina’s ex-husband. He is “disappointed” that Brad just runs a “bunch of bars” (lovely stepmother’s words) in Austin, TX (you can see the sneer as he mentions our Republican-voting, gun toting, non-child-insuring state).

Bettina majorly screws things up by saying on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial that she doesn’t “look good on paper EITHER.” Smooth. With gems like this its no wonder she’s divorced. Brad comes back saying that at least he is intelligent enough not to judge people. I’m buying Brad a latte next time I see him at Starbucks. Either that, or I’m going to drink a ton of champagne at The Marq next time I’m there.

In the end, crazy is worse than judgmental and Bettina ekes through. Crazy Drunk Mom was right. Sheena was the one. To get cut.

By Smooch

This past episode of The Bachelor hyped Hillary’s “most dramatic exit EVER.” We were all placing bets about what caused her “breakdown.” For the record, I won. It was just getting the boot that caused hyperventilating. That, and a dress which pinned her tits against her larynx. I expected more with the “Hillary loses her mind” teaser. Like straightjackets and foaming at the mouth.

The exit was a lot less scary than Hillary’s declaration that she wore white to the rose ceremony to get Brad thinking wedding bells. Subtle. This was an embarrassing exit, but honestly is this worse than announcing your shriveling eggs to all of America? Or bidding farewell crying and hungover, holding your bra cutlet in your hand? I don’t think so.

What WAS a little embarrassing? Not getting the “friend” message that Brad was sending. While he was talking about how he was comfortable and what a great buddy she was, Hillary was talking to the camera about how she wanted to BEEP his BEEP, and take his BEEP and BEEEEEP it in her BEEEEEP. I only wish I was exaggerating. Come on girl, does Brad need more friends? Have you seen his MySpace page?

Brad took Bettina and Sheena (ooh, that rhymes!) on the one-on-one dates. Bettina went on a gondola ride with Brad. I think she did. I dozed off a little bit during their take because she is SO SNORE. Sheena’s date was the poor man’s Pretty Woman involving choosing a dress (she also considered white for the bride, but chose something that better showcased her huge tatas), balloons (?), what she called a “mini orchestra” (uhhh, I think it’s known as a quartet) and diamond earrings she got to keep.

But instead of the comedic hijincks of shutting the jewelry box on her, she fell down the stairs. Best laugh I had all night. When Sheena came home and gave the deets, Bettina shared how much her date sucked in comparison and then stomped upstairs. Jenni whispered “she’s here for the wrong reasons,” still sporting hooker earrings and the ubiquitous headband. Which is exactly what everyone else said about her. Has anyone launched a career from The Bachelor platform? Does this really get you anything beyond being recognized at Chili’s?

The other date was the pool group date. Brad tries to make out with DeAnna, but Hillary is waving from her adirondack chair. He successfully makes out with Jenni, and Hillary cries. God, I’ll miss Hillary. The other discarded bachelorette was Kristy, because, let’s face it. She had the worst bikini body of the lot. Her belly button was horizontal.

One last gem. Before the rose ceremony, Sheena reads Brad a poem she had apparently written in her spiral journal and then ripped out. It rhymed (natch). And went something like this:

I love the patch of hair on your ear,

I give my heart to you without fear.

I wish you luck on this journey of love,

I’m hoping it will be a gift from above.

His EAR HAIR? This is the second time she’s talked about this patch of blond hair on his ear. Is ear hair ever sexy? Wax that shit.

Next week — hometown dates for Sheena, Bettina, DeAnna and Jenni. Sheena is too young and boring. DeAnna is evil. Bettina has no chemistry with Brad. I’m still standing by Jenni winning unless her family and friends are complete freaks. It’s happened before. Remember Lanny? We all thought he was the stallion breeder of our dreams, until we met his mom.

By Smooch

I’m required to continue reporting on this season’s Bachelor because PL is still stalking him. Friday night she persuades me to “stop by” this bar, The Marq. It’s 9:45 p.m., the time I am usually slipping into my lavender-scented bubble bath with the latest issue of Domino or Cookie. Nobody is there. We use the bathroom (fyi, THE place to go in Austin for any coed bathroom visitation, if you know what I mean) and sit at VIP tables pretending to be cool.

PL was just getting into her chicken dance, when she let out a yelp. The Womack brothers walk in. I try to slip out without detection, because, well, she’s just embarrassing. I am one foot out the door when she introduces me to Chad. The next day she emails me that she “ran into” Brad at Pure Austin (would you PLEASE ditch the shitz-do and buy a headband). She spotted him sporting a dizzy rooster t-shirt and baseball hat before his security detail escorted her out.

The first of any of you who can produce a picture of you and BW together will win a flourless chocolate brownie from the Roaring Fork bar. Well, we’ll share it. You shouldn’t eat one by yourself, fattie.

This last episode of “The Bachelor” reveals that there are two ways to Brad’s heart. Laughing and crying. The only one laughing is Jenni (Sun’s Cheerleader/PM JLH). The rest of them have had to resort to crying. Literally. And we all know why, because Jenni is Brad’s favorite. At least that is what ABC wants you to believe.

Three dates on this episode. One one-on-one, one two-on-one and one gang bang. Brad chooses Jenni for the first. The other girls are SO TOTALLY JEALOUS. I have decided that Jenni is going to be my new BFF when she marries Brad and moves to Austin. She’s developed a thick skin and keeps Brad laughing. And I love it when he says, “Jenni, will you accept this rose?” It’s like he’s talking to me. I get to shout out “Hell YA!” between sips of my pinot.

However, we’ll have to talk about what she wears. A beach cover-up/units getup for a hot date with Brad? Oh, and I figured out why so many headbands. She’s at that awkward bang growing-out stage. I HATE that. At least she’s not in the “I’m going back to my natural hair color” look that Bettina is sporting. Is there not someone there who can touch up her roots? Obviously, Jenni gets the rose on the date.

The two-on-one format is my fave. Two women and the bachelor. One gets the rose, and one goes home. They have to pack their bags before they go on their date. That will encourage natural conversation and a fun evening. A dizzying round of bitch-pong ensues (“I started working at 14.” “I started working at 12!”) between DeAnna (does anyone else think DeAnna’s accent sounds one step removed from poor white trash?) and Jade (80′s hair).

In the end, Dee prevails as the bigger biyatch and Jade is dismissed. Brad says it’s one of the most uncomfortable things he’s had to do in his life. He is so shaken up that he has to run back to the jacuzzi to sip champagne and mack down with Deanna.

The group date is Whose Line is it Anyway? for pretty (aka boring) girls. Hillary hams it up. She was totally in drama. Ick. Kristy cries at the end, because, well, she’s just not funny. At least she knows it. Doesn’t everyone click “good sense of humor” as one of their qualities on Match.com? Brad tries to sugarcoat it, saying that instead of boring, Kristy is “refined.” He worries that she will not be able to hang with him as he is a little rough around the edges.

I have yet to see this side of Brad. Everything is polite and smooth. I am sure he can get rowdy – he DID go to party school Southwest Texas (No. It’s not Texas State to me). But can a guy with a hairstyle and a waxed chest be rough around the edges? While I’m waxing poetic, what happened to manly men with chest hair? Sean Connery. George Clooney. Paul Newman. JFK, Jr. These are not men who would let a chick get near them with a popsicle stick and hot wax.

The night of the ceremony. The sisters of Bitchy Bitchy Catty ask Brad in round robin format, “Who. Was. The. First. Girl. You. Kissed?” The answer – Jenni (of course) – puts them off. OMG, she so TOTALLY didn’t tell us. Bettina calls her a “slut AND a liar.” Good point from the chick who hid her divorce until 3 episodes in and got off on the waverunner.

In the end, Stephy (who?) and McStanky get eliminated. Chris Harrison leaves us wondering… who WILL marry a Texas millionaire? Is that the surprise ending? Is Ross Perot going to step in at the last minute and propose?

By Smooch

Everything was coming up threes on the 3rd episode of The Bachelor (aka PL’s new BFF). Three dates. Three sent home.

The first date was a new one for the series – a trip to the circus. Jenni (Phoenix Suns cheerleader) round-off-back-handspring-back-tucks her way to Brad’s heart, while Stephy tries the Electra approach by telling Brad she’s looking for someone to take the place of her Daddy. Ick.

Hillary gets the coveted, but dangerous, one-on-one date, where Brad makes the rose decision ON the date. Pretty Woman anyone? Dress her up, deck her in diamonds, take her out. No mouth kissing allowed. The date actually consisted mostly of her crying about how she can live on love alone. How fun for Brad. In the end, a pity rose.

Boat date – doesn’t every Bachelor have one of these? Again, the producers made sure that Georgetown esthetician Solisa was on this one. She gave Brad a lap dance that entailed shaking her rump fast, which she told the camera “was all I know how to do.” That, and wax away pubes. Bettina confessed that she fell in love on the waverunner. Talk about good vibrations. She also finally came clean that she had been divorced.

Before the rose ceremony, Brad and his twin brother Chad pulled a switcheroo on the girls. Lindsey the “model,” Sarah the bartender and McCarten couldn’t tell the difference. Boring girls who could tell immediately were spared for another week. In the end Lindsey, Sarah and Solisa went home.

Alas, no more body shots, streaking or rump shaking for the rest of the season. Solisa went out in style, though, talking about how Brad must not have seen the “special parts” that she keeps on the outside. Honey, we all saw your special parts.

By Smooch

Imagine this. Saturday noonish. Pink Lady finishes up Power Yoga at Pure Austin. Sporting mid-calf gray yoga pants, shrunken t-shirt, flip-flops and her Shitz-do (shitzu-like bang ponytail she favors), she heads over to Starbucks for her chai latte. I get the call. The Bachelor (Brad Womack) sighting. AND the identical twin brother. I threaten rescinding our 22-year friendship if she does not go speak to them. She does (hooray peer pressure!).

She confirms it. He’s hot. AND he was polite. He actually talked to the freakishly-small-kneed ragamuffin. He stood up to shake her hand. He chatted. He just won my award for not only the hottest bachelor ever (I always agree with Chris Harrison) but also the all-around most AMAZING bachelor ever.

Ed. Note: I talked a mile a minute about how my married friends and I sit around and watch him every Monday and how he’s our FAVORITE. I also mentioned that my friend writes a column about him. On my BLOG. I might as well have asked him to check out my MySpace page.

My cellphone kept ringing in my purse and I pretended I didn’t hear it because I just knew it was Smooch calling to get the 411. And then my husband showed up. I have never been more, like, totally embarrassed! Couldn’t he see I was talking to The Bachelor?! Things got even more awkward when Smooch pulled up in her Volvo station wagon, her twins buckled up in the back seat.

Inspiring. Here is last week’s recap…

Everything is beginning to fall into place as the women go on dates en masse. There is nothing quite like going on a date with seven other women to bring out the best in people.

• First kiss(es). These girls get right on it. Funniest moment when the McChick lays one on Brad. His review – not good. Finally. No sugar-coating. He also made out with the professional cheerleader who was wearing another freakin’ headband. Uncomfortable – she did it wearing a bikini. How can you suck it in and suck face at the same time?
• The Confidant (aka backstabbing biyatch). Now appearing on the main stage, give it up for Jaaaade. She raises “concerns” with the Bachelor about the “intentions” of the other girls. Yeah, right. Like that 27-year-old poor man’s Jennifer Love Hewitt (professional cheerleader) has a real shot at modeling. See ladies, you don’t want the first impression rose. You especially don’t want to caress and smell said first impression rose.
• 911 emergency. Somehow one of the bachelorettes “slips” on the stairs and gets a concussion. They must have edited out Jade babyoiling the marble staircase. (Ed. Note: Actually, my new best friend Brad said it was an allergic bee sting, she got “nauseous,” and fell down the stairs.) She calls the Bachelor on the date to give him the news about her trip to the ER. First concern of the other bachelorettes – how did she get his cell number. Sweet. She had no chance to make it to round three. Jersey girl looks like Adrianna’s less-cute sister and she’s, like, sooooo old (30). Given the chance, she probably would have started talking about shriveling eggs.
• Secret divorcee. Apparently Bettina is hiding (gasp) a divorce. Didn’t have the balls to tell the Bachelor. Not until her position is more secure. Maybe she can squeeze in a BJ before the next rose ceremony. Or gain a personality.
• Body shots. I don’t think we’ve had body shots since Charlie. Hooray for Solisa for bringing it back. The shots were also accompanied by the classy toast “Here’s to the North, here’s to the South. Here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth.” Apparently, sipping lattes at 6th and Lamar.
• WWJD. Interesting twist to the Bachelorette who brings up her faith by the 2nd episode. She is ALSO the one who goes streaking (solo) and badgers the Bachelor into sipping tequila from her navel. ABC found a gem in this one!

(Brad, call me. Ed. Note)

By Smooch

In a very scientific poll of the eight ladies watching The Bachelor Finale last night, all but ONE were SURE that Moana would get the rose. Look at the chemistry between them! He actually opens his mouth when he kisses her! Sarah only got lots of closed-mouth smooches, and pats on the back (accompanied by shhhhhhh) when she said she didn’t want to have any regrets (i.e., is now the time I give you the BJ?).Do we need to mention that the one hold-out was me? Maybe it was because I was also the only one not drinking. Maybe it was because I’ve Tivoed, watched and re-watched every Bachelor since Andrew Firestone. Or maybe it was because I went to college. I know Travis. He was the hot Sigma Chi guy from a good family with a good future. Sure, he’d get loaded at the Viking party, and get his inner pimp on to ‘Gin And Juice’ or ‘Jump Around.’ He’d end up upstairs with some wild Chi O with a tattoo
and a reputation. But who did he take to the Spring Formal? The Kappa with pearls.

And last night Sarah got lavaliered. Could there be any question once you saw Travis’ mother’s hair? Yet, ABC likes to create drama. So they showed lots of Travis and Moana making out, and showed his niece’s opinion. The 6-year-old Whitney had drawn both women — Sarah with her flippy hairdo and in the butt-out kindergarten dance pose she keeps doing, and Moana with a fur hood and a martini — and circled Moana as her favorite. Just like my fellow viewees last night, she hates a suck-up. When the nieces arrived to meet Sarah, they went to an indoor playground. In Paris. I know the kids are under six, but couldn’t the Fort Worth family PRETEND to want to get some cultural exposure while they were there? The family loves “pure” Sarah and can’t imagine anyone could be better than her. Natch.

Moana is sophisticated and charming, but when pressed as to why she and Travis are compatible, she initially refuses to answer. She says it’s not in her nature to answer that question. I think she was stalling to find her written notes. Finally, she finds them. “When I look at Travis and he looks back at me, there is a recognition that has never existed between myself and another soul.” Blah. Blah. Blah. That is what the Storks heard. Travis defends his “amazing connection” with her by explaining that when they went to the South of France she dove in to the wave runner and ran it FULL THROTTLE. She just wouldn’t let up until she gave him the ride of
his life.

I understand why my friends prefer Moana over Sarah. She has a personality, and is way outside the mold of the typical Bachelor contestant. And Sarah is a sweetheart. Nice. Caring. Responsible. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. She wouldn’t last one TV viewing evening with these ladies. But Travis is boring too. Now they can go back to Nashville, reproduce and live happily ever after. Just like Andrew and Jen. Or Meredith and Ian. At least I don’t have to watch it.

The real question is… who’s the next Bachelorette — Susan or Moana? Personally, I like the suggestion of one of my friends. They should have a Bachelor where all the women are at least 30 with Master’s degrees or above, and ready to reproduce. Twenty-five Ali G’s? Now that would be some good television.

People… I am really sacrificing for you. I missed paired skating and the end of ‘Skating with Celebrities’ because I was hosting the 2-hour Bachelor viewing.
Again, ABC insults our loyalty by showing
a recap of all the past Bachelors and the infamous “overnight dates,” or as Dr.
Travis Stork called them, the “exotic
dates.” Yeah, it’s exotic like a dancer
is exotic. Go time for the ladies to get their whore on.

In the first date, Travels meets Moana in Venice. The first visit was famous St. Mark’s square, where Moana commented “this is really cool, it’s some kind of church but if I just knew which one.” Then they got swarmed by pigeons, and I couldn’t watch because everyone knows they are nothing more than flying rats. However, the ABC site claimed that “hilarity ensued,” and I have to believe them. Travis and Moana take a break to pick the pigeon poo out of their hair in a café where Moana orders a caffe americano en italiano. Travis is extremely impressed – it has been abundantly clear through this European excursion that languages aren’t his thing. They take the requisite gondola ride, kissing under each bridge… didn’t we see this same stunt on the Bachelor in Vegas? Think of how much euro they could have saved. After dinner they are presented with the opportunity to shack up in the “fantasy suite.” Is there any question that she snatched that bone?

Sarah is up next and honestly, I would tell you what happened on the date but I was snoozing through most of it. Goes something like this – having fun touring Vienna, chatting over beer and talking about Nashville. Something with a massage and they are half naked and he only pecks her on the lips. Sarah is clearly ready for some action but Travis feels more of a “friendship” between them. He’s on top of his feelings of friendship with her but can he get on top of her? God, this kindergarten teacher would be the perfect doctor’s wife. Great mother and house decorator. In the know in the community of Nashville. Understanding. The perfect cover for Stork to bang ER nurses. Fantasy suite? Check.

The last date is in the French Alps with beautiful Susan. And of all the dates, this one feels the most like a test. First Travis checks her reaction of going rock climbing. Susan feigns excitement. Good. He confronts her about her acting ambitions, and how she bragged to the other girls about getting the first kiss. Here come the waterworks. She tries to get him off the trail but her answers were kind of like Bush at a press conference. She follows up her interview by telling him she’s falling in love with him. Of course she takes the key to the fantasy suite. Three for three for Dr. Pork Stork.

At the end, Susan stands roseless. They walk out and sit in the love seat (oh, cruel furniture name) and have a chat. Travis tells her he felt that her performance was too “professional” and suggests she take some acting lessons or just get her own real personality.

The two women remaining couldn’t be more different. Sarah, the junior league kindergarten teacher versus Moana the woman-hating rebel. And next week, we get to see the women tear them apart in ‘The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.’ You just KNOW they are going to spend at least eight minutes on da ali g. and her shriveling ovaries.

Six ladies left, and STILL NO SEX. What is up with this season’s Bachelor? (Apparently, not much.) He’s Dr. Hunky. The girls are horny (they like hair pulling, baby oil and perky man nipples). It’s Paris. Anyone who took the requisite after-college trek through the hostels of Europe knows that even the most uptight coeds go wild when they leave U.S. borders. Yes, there was the camping make-out, but other than that?

I think Travis is just plain boring. Sure, he’s good looking. And I’m sure he’s just super at sutures and intubations. But he has not made me laugh once. The only thing that got a reaction from me were his downward-facing nipples he displayed in last night’s episode. What kind of lifting is he doing to get that to happen?

ABC is concealing his snoredom with the fancy locale and catfights. And they are spot on with exploiting the bachelorettes’ inner-bitch. On episode 4, they bring Shiloh and bikini model Jenn back (weren’t they supposedly halfway across the Atlantic?) just to pick which girl is their favorite, and send them on the one-on-one date with Travis. What is this? It’s like Kappa Kappa Gamma Rush without the niceties. In my sorority the WORST thing you could say about a girl was that you “preferred others.” They call Jehan a cold bitch, Tara a drunk and Susan a climber, but they just can’t wait to tear into Moana. The tough girl shell finally cracks. She cried. Her first mistake – caring. As with all Rush selection sessions, they choose the girls that are nice enough, attractive enough, but not TOO great as to overshadow them – Jehan and Sarah (I’m from Nashville!).

More after the jump…

(more…)

This week’s Bachelor started with eight

Travis had to decide which to date
The two that he cut
Just weren’t up to slut
So they sent them home via “freight”

Sorry, folks. I’m still so inspired by Kristen’s poetry. It’s all fresh in my head because ABC played a one-hour recap of the exact show we just saw LAST WEEK. Do we really need to relive the redneck tooth stunt by Kristen? It was cringe-inducing the first time. Added value: we see Travis go through seven takes of trying to get out his assessment of the date without cracking up.

And, as if we’ve forgotten why Dr. Travis Stork is the bachelor… gratuitous shots of him jogging sans shirt. Merci ABC.

This week Travis’ best friends (both real, average looking doctors, not the fake Dr. McDreamy ABC made up) fly to the chateau to quiz the ladies on anatomy – see girls, your ass is SUPPOSED to be big – and ask them to show their talent. Miss America, these ladies are not. Sarah from Nashville (I’m from Nashville, you’re from Nashville!) impresses them by putting her fist in her mouth. Sarah, I thought you were a good girl! Why don’t you just get under the table and give them bjs? Jennifer, the bikini model, gives them an anatomy lesson of her own by removing her shirt.

The ladies also get their first glimpse at the end game. Diamonds. The more honest ladies (Mouanaua) immediately pick the biggest ring, while the others go for the more “simple” design in an attempt to impress Travis’ friends.

Susan ends up winning – because any woman who can juggle while balancing on one foot and a book on her head has GOT to have skills in bed. They end up driving three hours into town to eat at Café de la Paix, where (again) the rose sits next to the escargot. Susan is visibly nervous as she tries to remember if she packed all of her red evening gowns. She goes on and on about how AMAZING travis is and why no one has snatched him up yet. The date is snore. No fake teeth made out of fruit, no poetry – though she is one smitten kitten. She ekes out the win.

Meanwhile, back at the scratchpad, the other bachelorettes are accusing Susan of using The Bachelor as a way to leave the exciting world of Financial Associatism for acting. Yeah, the Bachelor has been the launching pad for many acting careers – like that one horror movie featuring like 20 reality stars. They are interrupted by their date box – a group date to the south of France.

This is what the Bachelor is all about. Dancing on a yacht. Champagne flowing. Surrounded by riches and other bikinis, the women start going for it. Moana gets aggressive, but maintains her cool girl attitude. “I don’t know if I like him or not. I plead the 4th amendment.” That’s odd, I thought she was into searches and seizures without a warrant. As soon as she gets her chance, she persuades Travis to dive. They head out to the jet ski and take off. Even from 50 feet away, they could see the darts coming out of the other bachelorette’s eyes. Moana finagles some more time by waking up Travis with coffee. He spoons her in the bed – gotta conceal that morning wood.

The last date of the show was a battle of the blondes between bikini model Jenn and Sarah from Canada. Worst. Date. Ever. In the woods… a tent, your guy, another girl and a camera crew. Not to mention drinking tall boys out of paper bags. Maybe this is how ABC is making money – selling footage to Barely Legal. Despite displaying particular enthusiasm for whittling his stick, Jenn gets sent home. Sarah gets her wish of snagging the first real make out session with Travis. With tongue. Unfortunately, it looks like she has been practicing with Fabrice. Ick, we don’t need to see your tongue to know it’s a french kiss.

Oh, also rode-hard-and-put-up-wet Shiloh gets sent home. That’s what you get for badmouthing the other ladies. Bitches.

By Smooch

Ding Ding Ding. Round Two.

Eight ladies remain on The Bachelor. And clearly, according to ABC, they are in for the most ROMANTIC experience of their lives. Gosh, what can be more romantic than going on a date with eight other hobags? I think they should just ‘fess up and bill this season for what it is… the most ATTRACTIVE Bachelor yet.

The first group date is a tour of Paris on top of a red double decker bus (London Calling!) that ends with drinks at the top of a rainy Arc de Triomphe. Quelle dommage! Dr. Stork actually makes his way back from some one-on-one time with (Jaten? Jaren? Jahen?) to the table of six wet bachelorettes to retrieve the soggy rose. Losers!

The second group date begins with a helicopter ride to a champagne cave in… Champagne. This is where Travis really starts to own his inner pimp. With a hottie on each side he blows his cork. And despite young Sarah (Canadian) practically licking Travis’ face off, nobody has even gotten to first base on The Bachelor (unless someone took up Ali G’s offer to get some “action” after she swore off men).

There is one lucky bachelorette who gets the coveted one-on-one time with Dr. McDreamy. Because she received the last rose, Kristen is the lucky gal. The catch? If she doesn’t get the rose at the end of the date, they ship her butt off on the first cross-continental flight. She carefully plots her romantic strategy with Travis. First, she composes a rhyming poem (naturally). “We’re going down the Seine River… oh my gosh, what rhymes with river? That’s hard!” How about shiver? Like the shivers that go down my spine when I see the “wet curl” look. Or quiver? As in how your lip will quiver when you realize you’re getting thrown overboard?

On the date, Kristen blatantly asks about the rose taunting her on the silver tray next to her antipasto. Poor thing, she actually thought it was for her. The final nail in the coffin – she actually took her orange rind and created crazy redneck teeth from it. I’m not making this up. Who gave that woman an orange? I thought this was Italian fare. Set up!

Kristen’s departure leaves the standard issue 105-lb pageant girls. Let the whoremongering begin!

By Smooch

Last night was the premiere of this season’s The Bachelor. And I can’t help wondering… will this end in happily ever after like Trista and Ryan, or on the rocks like Used-to-be-funny-but-now-just-annoying Bachelor Bob, pock-skinned Andrew Firestone or snoresville Jen Schefft’s forays into the world of romance and reality TV? I’m just tinkling with anticipation.This time it’s set in Paris, and the guy is a hunky doctor, Dr. Travis Stork of Nashville, TN. All I can say is, Bachelor really must have turned around ratings from last season when they had a celebrity’s unemployed brother and filmed it in New York at a three-room apartment with bunk beds, and it’s all thanks to you.

The show starts off with 25 American women emerging from limos in front of a 300-year-old chateau to meet a 6’4″ handsome Bachelor. The bachelorettes, clearly dazed, cracked stupid jokes (nice place you got here, hee hee), lost high-heeled shoes in the paving stones and hoisted up strapless dresses. One bachelorette had a slit UP TO THERE. (PL commented that she wanted to make sure the Bachelor got a look at her wax job, if you know what I mean.) Back inside, they quickly found out that Travis Stork was an ER doctor. Thongs hit the floor.

A recent, but welcome, addition to the Bachelor repertoire is the “first impression” rose that Travis can use to make one special lady the despised target of the other bachelorettes. He awarded the special rose to Sarah B., a 23-year-old student from Winnepeg (wait a minute…) Canada??!!?! At the beginning of the show, I was promised AMERICAN bachelorettes.

But the biggest story of the night for me was the variety and creativity of the hairstyles. In honor of her first trip to Gay Paris, Jaime, of Big Rock, VA (anyone? anyone?) coiffed her ‘do in the shape of a croissant. Apparently, Jaime brought her hairstylist with her and shared her with other bachelorettes eager to appear “unique.” There was the hot-rollers-gone-bad with Kristen. She’s all class though. She presented Dr. McDreamy with a shot glass from her hometown of Bonita Springs, FL. Holy heavy metal bangs.

And then there was the piece de resistance. Though the hair was put up to the left, there were major pieces hanging to the right… Hello, The Class of ’88 (XX We’re Great XX) Des Moines called, they want their Homecoming Queen back.

But it wasn’t just the hair do’s that were crazy….

The Psycho award of the night goes to… Allie G., more articulate but MUCH LESS FUNNY than her namesake. In the five minutes she had to sit down with The Bachelor, she explained how she has worked hard to become a doctor and oncologist, and is now looking toward accomplishing the next goal in her life plan, Operation Baby. “I’m 33, and my FSH level is accelerating daily. I’m ready to reproduce,” she quipped as another stunned bachelorette (apparently already wearing a maternity cocktail dress) waited patiently for her turn to petition Dr. Stork. Maybe it was the name that was making her baby crazy.

After the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER, Allie G. was left there, bloomless and uninseminated. After bitching to the cameraman and asking WHHHHYYYY???!!!, she marched herself right up to the Bachelor, looked him in the belly button and asked why she was cut. She went Paula Abdul on his ass: “Straight up, now tell me. Was it my height? Was it my chicken cutlet breasts?”

I can’t believe the producers didn’t twist Travis’ arm to keep this one.

Social Commentator Smooch beats her red wine hangover into submission to bring you the Last Bachelor (sniff). – Ed. Note

Yawn. God, The Bachelor Finale blows. No body shots. No skanky swimsuit models. Not even one cat fight. The ladies were actually “gracious” and “classy” and Charlie was a “gentleman.” Still stupid, yes, but a nice sweet stupid, kind of like a golden retriever. For THREE HOURS, we watched the finale, and by “watched,” I mean cooking, refilling drinks, running after dogs and shushing the Pink Lady, who likes her vino. So, really, I’m not sure what happened.

Here’s what I do remember… Charlie’s mother likes to wear bone and claw necklaces – bones for Krisily (appropriate), and claws for Sarah B (again, appropriate). Everyone was nervous. We got to hear about that for at least two hours. Sarah B. said she was nervous but spoke in a monotone voice and had oddly dilated eyes, like a Stepford Wife.

Krisily was sweatin’ it. We got to see Nana again. Boy, what a pistol. We heard ONCE MORE how she coached her granddaughter to do a lot of kissing before she went on the show, and how she advised her to get him in the sack. Nana even got to hug Host Chris Harrison, who has officially reached the lowest point of his career.

Next up for the increasingly desperate ABC? “Who wants to marry my Nana?”

Seriously, take her, please. And did you get a load of Sarah B’s family? Her mother Sissy couldn’t stop crying. Maybe it was because Sarah’s sister was displaying her ample cleavage on live TV. Not very McKinney-like,
that one.

For all of the build up, Charlie spent about two seconds dumping the first girl. He went into the dressing room to talk to Krisily. She got the trusty, “You’re an awesome girl, but….” Ladies, raise your hands if you’ve heard that one before. Krisily took it like a champ, even saying that Sarah B was a great girl. Can you say “Bachelorette?” She’s totally gunning for it, telling Chris H. that dating Charlie has opened her eyes to the fact that she deserves better than what she’d been gettin’ in Rhode Island. Apparently now she’s too good for Vinnie at the Bahdy Shop.

Finally, Sarah comes out, overly tanned, overly blonde and wide eyed. Charlie’s “speech” goes a little something like this: “I just want to say that I am going to be the most awesome boyfriend ever. I always want to show you a great time. And, I love you.” Then he gives her a “promise” ring. Hello, 1950 called, they want their “please, let this get me laid” gift back.

“Eather Hay Ennedy Kay” totally won the pool at my pad, guessing Sarah, no ring, straight up. Yes, just a bunch of ladies sitting around watching the three-hour finale of The Bachelor. Drinking. Heavily. Nothing to see here.

Smooch reviews The Bachelor, Week 3 (hey – we watch so you don’t have to). – Ed. Note

Date #1 was with Swimsuit Model II. I can’t remember her name, but I remember the breasts. I’m sorry, am I turning into Charlie? Her “friends” pulled her aside to try to stop her from wearing SUCH a slut suit to the art gallery date, and she seemed to concede, wearing a jacket over her outfit. Despite the tone down, the 2″ lycra skirt and stripper pumps worked on Charlie who declared, “Now we’re cooking. With gas.”

While they were perusing art and making poignant observations such as, “this one reminds me of the matching pajamas we wore the other night,” the girls at home got drunk (*natch*) and tried on all of Swimsuit Model II’s clothes. ABC had to do some blurring on those outfits, if you know what I mean.

They also pranked Charlie. Duh, Anitra, you’re not supposed to reveal your identity, you’re supposed to say you’re Sarah W., and try to pry him for information. I learned that in 7th grade. Charlie BARELY made it through his group date (Bowling for Roses), and bailed on his one-on-one with the single mom. He made it up to her by taking her skating in Central Park the next day.

ABC planted some rug rats that challenged him to race to see if he had “dad potential.” The date concluded with them sitting on a bench and discussing for the 7th time if Charlie could really date a single mom. Like really, really. For real. Snowflakes were falling and it was picturesque, just like in that delightful romantic comedy, Serendipity. Expect in this version the girl gets kicked to the curb.

What I find most amusing is how the women are befuddled by Charlie’s taste in women. “I don’t look like that (busty whore), and I don’t act like that (blond skinny poseur),” said one exasperated Bachelorette. Another extolled her own virtues saying, “I’m smart, I’m attractive, I’m successful,” and then demanding, “why am I being overlooked?”

Uh – because you’re Canadian?

And, come. on. This is a guy who checks his breath in the limo before he goes to the door.

Let me explain Charlie’s “logic.” Blonde is good. Big breasts, also good. Brunette, attractive and smart? Not so much. Not when there are blondies and boobies to look at! Single mom and sweet? See ya! Plus, he couldn’t keep two Canadians around, it was getting SO confusing, and one was just, you know, much, much sluttier.

Of COURSE he’s going to keep Jenna Bush around, even though she has barely spoken since the first show. How rad would it be to roll in Air Force One? He could show brother Jerry who’s top dog once and for all. Apparently a MAJOR difference between being a “celebrity” and being the sibling of a celebrity is microdermabrasion. While Jerry look ruddy cheeked and fresh-scrubbed, Charlie looked dingy and haggard.

It can be hard living on the “fantasy” world of The Bachelor.

Even if Daddy is the President.

Social Commentator Smooch shows us what love is like for the Poor Man’s Bachelor…

A new shocking development on The Bachelor, TT edition, is that Charlie gets to hand out the rose right there on the dates. AWK-ward. I think the producers are trying to make it easy on dim Charlie. How can he be expected to remember ALL these girls’ names? It’s just easier if he can give on-the-spot roses. Another shocking twist? The bachelorettes all look like finalists from The Swan. Seriously – where did they find these girls? Doesn’t pseudo-actor Jerry O’Connell’s brother deserve better?

That said, Bachelor has really gone low rent. Not only is the Bachelor staying in his OWN apartment, and the women are sleeping together in one room (wearing matching pajamas), but the dates are lame. The first one-on-one date was at Charlie’s friend’s restaurant. On this date, Megan desperately tries to avoid eye-contact with the rose sitting on the table. Unable to convince Charlie that she was right for him because she was being herself and not because she wanted to win (wait – is this the girl that bleached her hair 3 hours ago to become his “type?” ), he sends her packing. The second date was at a brewery. From what I could tell they were eating take-out pizza in a basement. *Classy.*

The group date was a pool party with the Bachelor and 10 women. (Wasn’t Charlie worried about the shrinkage factor?) I’m pretty sure the pool was at the Holiday Inn where the camera crew was staying. After getting all pruny, the group returns to the girls’ pad, where Swimsuit Model II takes it up a notch by coming downstairs in a bra and sarong. She successfully gets a rose, proving that men are attracted to large-tittied whores. *Gasp!*

I think my favorite new addition to the spicier Bachelor is the bitch, moan and plead session at the end. The difference from earlier shows, where they beg for roses and take digs at each other, is that now they are standing in front of Chris Harrison and wearing sparkly Vegas clothes. These ladies are truly desperate… don’t they realize their last-ditch efforts will have no effect on Charlie? The right answers are already on his crib sheet.

Chris Harrison helped him and everything.