Not only do I still not have a laptop, I am now typing with the use of only one of my eyes. Yesterday I went to an ophthalmologist to have some type of cyst/stye/foreign object removed from my left lower eyelid in what was called a “routine medical procedure” if by “routine medical procedure” you mean “Clockwork Orange redux.” Unlike most of you I have perfect vision and have no need for contacts, which means that if anything even gets near my eye, I completely freak out and will defend my eye at any cost. (The last optometrist I went to now has half of an index finger.) As you can imagine, after the doctor had put down his sharp surgical instruments, I screamed AS SOON AS I CAN FEEL MY WAY OUT OF HERE I’LL HAVE YOUR LICENSE.

You’ll be happy to know that I’ve given up complaining for Lent. Starting now.

Speaking of the season of penance, I’m looking forward to tonight’s Republican presidential debate as the candidates will be forced to engage in Christ-like behavior and be nice to one another. I’ll be watching to see who takes a sip of water during the debate thereby breaking the fast. I’ll also tune in to see if both Santorum and Gingrich are sporting the ashes to prove that they went to church today. I assume that Santorum will look something like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins just to make Gingrich look bad. That, my friends, is the true meaning of Lent. Also, to reject Satan but appearances are more important.

I’ll tell you one thing. If Satan really does come after our country, there’s no man I’d rather have in office than Rick Santorum. In a speech he gave at Ave Maria University in Florida in 2008, Santorum said: ”Satan has his sights on the United States of America. This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?”

Wait. I know this one.

I have no problem with Santorum being a man of faith. It’s that he thinks he’s the ONLY man of faith. And if we don’t elect him, Satan wins.

I agree with Mitt Romney. I’m not terribly concerned about poor people either. Bunch of whiners. I mean, get a job. There are plenty of them out there. For example, yesterday I was at Starbucks and there was only one barista there and a bunch of people waiting and I almost jumped over the counter and said I’LL MAKE MY OWN DAMN LATTE. Come to think of it, I would probably make a pretty good barista, as long as customers didn’t mind me taking the first sip out of their drinks so I could make sure they were just right. And then we’d probably laugh and talk and make fun of poor people who can’t afford a decent cappuccino.

In an interview on CNN, Romney said this:

I’m not concerned about the very poor – we have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it.You can choose where to focus, you can focus on the rich, that’s not my focus. You can focus on the very poor, that’s not my focus. My focus is on middle income Americans, retirees living on Social Security, people who can’t find work.

What’s so bad about that? It’s what we’re all thinking. The poor already have it all! The kids get free breakfasts! They have free healthcare! Sometimes they can even buy food! And who wouldn’t want to live in their car? It’s like camping every night!

While I was watching the Florida returns last night on CNN/MSNBC/FOX/TNT/TBS, I was missing War Games on AMC. (Goddammit, I’d piss on a spark plug if I thought it’d do any good!) The movie came out in 1983 at the height of my fear that it was just a matter of time before we would all be blown away by nukes and I’d be left in some sort of radiation wasteland with Jason Robards. The film’s premise is an apt description of the Republican primary: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Incidentally Romney won the game last night by 14 points but you wouldn’t have known it from Gingrich’s speech. Good God. He didn’t even congratulate him. We all know you hate him but it’s customary to congratulate the winner through gritted teeth. He could at least apologize for upping the ante on Romney taking kosher food away from nursing home residents to Romney forcing SURVIVORS OF THE HOLOCAUST to eat non-kosher.

The robo-call: “As governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney vetoed a bill paying for kosher foods for our seniors in nursing home — Holocaust survivors, who for the first time were forced to eat non-kosher because Romney thought $5 was too much to pay for our grandparents to eat kosher. Where is Mitt Romney’s compassion for our seniors? Paid for by Newt 2012.”

That is some seriously sick stuff. Even coming from a seriously sick man like Newt Gingrich. Almost makes me pine for the good old days of the 2008 campaign. Speaking of which, the trailer for HBO’s Game Change is out. You have no idea how excited I am for this movie. (Well, now you have some idea.) Julianne Moore is a dead ringer for Sarah Palin and Ed Harris makes a pretty good John McCain.

If you’re looking forward to Game Change 2012, something they’re apparently already working on, Gingrich says he wants Brad Pitt to play him. Good luck with that. I’ve been wanting Angelina to play me in the story of my life (TBD wide release) but my producers have repeatedly told me that Betty White is more realistic.

So I’m back from Florida where I single-handedly demolished Newt Gingrich’s campaign. Don’t ask me how. You don’t want to know. Suffice it to say, the latest poll shows Romney leading by 20 points. That gives Newt less than 24 hours to turn things around with his BIG FAT GRANDIOSE IDEAS. I was feeling pretty confident that Romney would win until I read this shocking news.

At his first rally of the morning, Newt Gingrich rolled out a new attack line: Mitt Romney took kosher food away from elderly Jewish people.

“He eliminated serving kosher food for elderly Jewish residents under Medicare,” Gingrich said. “I did not know this; it just came out yesterday.”

First, why is Romney trying to take food out of the mouths of the chosen people? Second, does the early bird special even come in kosher? And third, as a Catholic, Newt should know that we don’t believe in kosher food. We believe in fasting and drinking. I’ve never understood what keeping kosher means. Apparently it has something to do with how food is prepared and eaten and blessed and how the animals are slaughtered. Gross.

Apparently as governor Romney rejected $600,000 in additional funding for Jewish nursing home residents to get kosher meals. Brooklyn state Assemblyman and Orthodox Jew Dov Hikind, who supports Gingrich, was outraged. “Well, ‘let them eat pork or let them eat something else’ — if you’re kosher, you’re not eating anything else. It’s just that simple. People who are kosher — it’s not a choice they have.” Oh, please. Being gay isn’t a choice. Being kosher? Choice. When I’m an old woman and wearing purple, I’m not going to bitch about my food. I’m going to bitch about the fact that I’m old.

Only 20 percent of Jews keep kosher anyway. This is the lamest attack I’ve heard yet, just another opportunity for Newt to show Jewish voters how much Romney wants to destroy them and their homeland. Oy vey, Mormons! Ez men est khazer zol rinen ariber der bord. (Yiddish. Look it up. I did.)

Although I’m still forcing myself to watch the Republican debates, I’m becoming less and less interested as the candidates keep disappearing. I find it depressing that there’s always one less podium and we’re supposed to JUST PRETEND that everything’s normal. Like the person never existed. Now I’m not nearly as attentive as I once was. Instead of inviting people over to watch me scream at the TV and blast out misspelled tweets, I sit there alone, looking up occasionally from my crossword puzzle and sighing.

But last night a new word, courtesy of Mitt Romney, caught my attention: Self-deportation. As in, to deport oneself. It’s brilliant. It puts the onus on those illegals to turn themselves in. When asked last night whether the federal government should be in the business of rounding up undocumented immigrants and deporting them, Romney said he instead favors “self-deportation…which is people decide they can do better by going home because they can’t find work here because they don’t have legal documentation to allow them to work here.” He added that if employers crack down on hiring undocumented workers, then immigrants will leave because they can’t find work. In other news 80 percent of Americans just left the country for their ancestral homelands. (My relatives and I will be sharing an apartment above a pub in County Cork, Ireland.)

Actually self-deportation has been tried before. Under the Bush administration, undocumented immigrants were given up to 90 days to leave the country on their own volition which produced all of eight volunteers.

In order to shed some light on who undocumented workers are, Fox News has put together a celebrity slide show. I believe every single one of these criminals should leave the country immediately, especially Salma Hayek, for Fools Rush In alone.

In the interest of self reporting, Romney has finally released his long-awaited tax returns. Over the years 2010 and 2011, he earned $42.5 million and paid $6.2 million in taxes. That is so unfair. Why do we keep punishing the rich? Romney’s holdings include an undisclosed amount of funds based in the Cayman Islands and, at one time, a Swiss bank account. A Swiss bank account? I thought that was the stuff of Lifetime Friday Night Flicks! Romney’s tax returns also showed that he and his wife contributed $7 million in charity over the two years, mostly to the Mormon church. Good God. So that’s what he’s been hiding. I mean, I give to the Catholic church, not with riches but with my soul. I can’t compete with $7 million.

Editor’s note: I’m off to Florida tonight and plan to pick up where Rand Paul left off, fighting for liberty by refusing a full body pat-down even if they don’t request one. I’ve rarely had issues with security checkpoints but then usually I don’t travel with my laptop. When they ask me to take my laptop out of my bag and place it directly on the conveyor belt, I will scream YOU’D LIKE THAT WOULDN’T YOU and then attempt to outrun the security guards and hide in the gift shop behind the Longhorn stuffed animals.

All day yesterday I was thinking some really big thoughts, like grandiose thoughts, like my brain was going to explode if I didn’t put those thoughts into words. Here’s my column in The Atlantic: The Only Culprit in Rick Perry’s Collapse is Rick Perry.

It was all over before it started. When Rick Perry bounded onto the national stage as the consummate politician who had never lost a race, he was already being feted in the media as the all-but-certain Republican nominee. He was being called the next Ronald Reagan — the next best thing to being called Jesus Christ Superstar, if not a little better. But Perry quickly became a caricature of himself.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I watched last night’s debate and yes, I watched the much-touted Nightline interview with Marianne Gingrich telling the world that her ex-husband wanted an open marriage. (How much more “open” can you get then engaging in an ongoing extramarital affair that your wife knows about? Like Eyes Wide Shut open?) So I head into the weekend with images of a Newt Gingrich threesome. Hopefully now you do too.

Rick Perry might be dropping out of the race but he will always be president of my heart. Although I had considered allowing my site to go dark in solidarity with every other traumatized blogger, I have decided to soldier on in the face of adversity.

The press conference will begin momentarily. Stay tuned.

10AM: Waiting. I remember the last Perry press conference I attended. I remember it fondly.
10:06AM: Apparently Perry’s press conference is being held in someone’s basement.
10:07AM: On the bright side, I won’t have to watch tonight’s debate.
BREAKING: Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife says he wanted an “open marriage.” As in “to swing.” There goes my breakfast.
10:10AM: Seriously. That wood paneling definitely suggests a basement.
10:12AM: And, we’re starting.
10:13AM: “I ran for president because I love America.”
10:13AM: Anita looks nauseous. I feel her pain.
10:14AM: “…a son of tenant farmers…” “former Air Force pilot”…
10:15AM: “Our country’s hurtin’” “We need bold conservative leadership to give the American people their country back.”
10:16AM: “Therefore today I am suspending my campaign and endorsing Newt Gingrich. And Newt is not perfect. But I believe in the power of redemption.”
10:18AM: “Like Sam Houston…I know when it’s time to make a strategic retreat.”
10:18AM: “As I head home I do so with the love of my life, my wife.” No word on whether they have an open marriage.
10:19AM: “The future of our country is at stake.”
Griffin has been an excellent campaign prop.
Perry is now thanking his supporters. All two of them.
10:22AM: “I felt led into the arena…I have just begun to fight.”
10:23AM: And…that’s all.

Somewhere God is weeping. You know, when God calls you, you go. You don’t quit in the middle or suspend your campaign just to endorse a swinging adulterer. You have to be all in. You have to have faith that God will vanquish your unworthy opponents. Today Perry didn’t just disappoint his tens of supporters. He disappointed God. And now God will punish all of us by returning him to Texas.

Update: My column in the Observer is up. “The End of Perry’s Short, Winding Road.”

I apologize for the late posting. I was at my daily 4-hour advanced Zumba class.

Apparently some conservatives (including Newt Gingrich) are calling for Perry to get out of the race before Saturday’s primary. As someone who has finally found meaning in life through following Perry’s campaign, I’d like to say FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST KEEP GOING. Where is God’s divine intervention when we need it? Can we start an interactive online rosary? (Yes, typically you pray the rosary for the poor lost souls in purgatory but this is an emergency. They’ll have to just wait another hundred years.) What about the last-minute mailers? What about all the time and effort you’ve put into this week’s debates? What about your promises?

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson (I’m changing my name to Eileen Eileenson) wrote today that if Perry were to drop out and endorse someone else he would be considered a “kingmaker.” Kingmaker. As if Perry’s ego isn’t big enough. The man can hardly hold his head up. It’s not like these conservatives want him to endorse Romney. They want him to throw his support to Newt. As if Newt’s ego isn’t big enough. The man has to DRAG HIS HEAD along the floor when he walks.

To endorse Romney would be to turn Perry’s message throughout the campaign into a joke. It would buy Perry no good will. He would return to Texas a joke.

Is there any other way?

Last night’s debate took place in Myrtle Beach, SC, a destination known more for Girls Gone Wild skanks than for Republican presidential candidates but at least scantily clad college students doing body shots off each other have some sense of decency. I tuned in mostly to see how Perry would perform in what is sure to be his second to last debate. (You can read my IN DEPTH analysis over at the Observer.) I wasn’t disappointed. He was in rare form and by “rare” I mean he “had a pulse.” Of course it doesn’t matter what kind of night he had since according to FiveThirtyEight projections, he has a 0% chance of winning Saturday’s primary. Zero percent. You’d think they could have at least given him a half percent so as not to completely humiliate him.

But it was Newt Gingrich who really stole the show with his hilarious racist commentary.

JUAN WILLIAMS: Speaker Gingrich, you recently said black Americans should demand jobs, not food stamps. You also said poor kids lack a strong work ethic and proposed having them work as janitors in their schools. Can’t you see that this is viewed, at a minimum, as insulting to all Americans, but particularly to black Americans?

GINGRICH: No. I don’t see that. (APPLAUSE) New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids to work in the school for the price of one janitor, and those 30 kids would be a lot less likely to drop out. They would actually have money in their pocket. They’d learn to show up for work. They could do light janitorial duty. They’d be getting money, which is a good thing if you’re poor. Only the elites despise earning money.

Now clearly I don’t believe in reincarnation because I’m Catholic and there is NO WAY I’m going to keep coming back to this dump when I should be in heaven wearing a tiara with all the other saints. (Actually I will be the only one with the tiara.) But if reincarnation does exist, and there is any justice in the world, Gingrich is coming back as a poor, black kid who is forced to clean toilets after school, while his fellow classmates participate in extracurricular activities, in order to learn the meaning of getting paid nothing for hard labor.

As an ongoing service I provide to you free of charge, I have watched something incredibly painful and time-consuming so you don’t have to. This morning I spent 30 minutes of my life—30 minutes that I can NEVER GET BACK unless I figure out how to reverse the spin of the planet and turn back time—watching the anti-Romney documentary, King of Bain: When Mitt Romney Came to Town. This is the “film” produced by the pro-Gingrich super PAC funded by wealthy casino magnate Sheldon Adelson. A casino magnate instructing us on the evils of capitalism. Aren’t they like the worst of the worst? And why has Gingrich accepted money from a casino magnate? I believe gambling is a mortal sin in the eyes of the Catholic church, along with serial infidelity, multiple marriages and not baptizing your baby. Meaning that Gingrich is a triple threat.

I could have put together a better video with stock photos and my iPhone. The documentary opens with rich men smoking cigars and carrying their money around in briefcases (monocle and hairless cat forthcoming). The producers found regular folks who were laid off after their companies were bought and sold by Bain Capital so clearly these people are not going to like Romney. When I got laid off from drkoop.com (good luck staying alive without a health policy reporter, suckers!) I gleefully participated in an anti-Koop documentary where I wept on camera and accused the former surgeon general of wearing women’s underwear.

Like Newt Effing Gingrich is any different, exploiting innocent people’s tragedies for his own political purposes. If he feels so bad for these people why doesn’t he take the $5 million that’s being spent on his campaign in South Carolina and give it to them to help them reclaim their livelihood? Or better yet, he could tap into his own personal wealth of $7 million. Oh, I forgot. It’s Romney who’s the rich heartless capitalist.

I couldn’t believe it when I walked out of my yoga class last night, looked at my phone and saw that Mitt Romney had already been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary. That’s what I get for putting my spiritual health first. I was hoping for at least a little drama. Instead all I could do was watch the post-primary coverage, switching from CNN to FOX to MSNBC and lamenting the sad state of broadcast news. (It’s ridiculist!) I tuned into Newt Gingrich’s speech hoping to see his head explode but he was uncharacteristically calm. As usual I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Callista. I’m dressing as her for Halloween this year if I can convince my husband to go as Newt.

Now it’s on to South Cackalacky where Rick Perry, bolstered by his strong 0.7% showing in New Hampshire, continues to attack Romney for his “get-rich-quick schemes” running Bain Capital by calling him a “vulture capitalist.” That seems redundant from the perspective of a socialist. OH MY GOD PERRY’S A SOCIALIST. What’s next, Occupy Spartanburg? (Count me in.) Perry is banking on his Southern charm to win over voters in the Palmetto state which is like me saying I’m banking on my girlish charm to jump-start my career.

Perry’s pulling out all the stops—eating grits, wearing his custom cowboy boots, thickening his accent—to prove to South Carolinians that he’s just like them. While strolling down the quaint Main Street in Pickens, Perry turned to Anita and said, “Honey, what does this remind you of?” And she said, “Home.” (If this were a Lifetime movie, this would be where Meredith Baxter, playing the role of Anita, would start smiling through her tears as John Tesh played in the background.) Are you KIDDING me? Poor little Main Street reminds you of your million-dollar mansion at home? Please.

As someone who went to school in North Carolina, I can tell you that all these niceties and manners only serve to mask the real person underneath. I can’t tell you how many times a nice young man would open the door for me, nod his head and invite me to a party later that night only to ignore me when I got there because I was wearing flannel.

I’m guessing Perry comes in fifth.

Is anyone excited about the New Hampshire primary? Mitt Romney’s going to win. (Spoiler.) Apparently everyone’s waiting to see who comes in second—Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman. Who wants to come in second? Have you ever seen the silver medal “winners” at the Olympics? They look like they’re about to kill themselves. And I can’t even begin to imagine how much of a loser you feel like if you come in sixth place. Any state that gives Rick Perry only one percent of the vote DOESN’T DESERVE RICK PERRY. (Incidentally Perry said yesterday that he doesn’t pay more than $25 on haircuts. That’s such bullshit. I pay way more than $25 on my hair and we’ve all seen what I look like.)

Romney’s also leading the pack in South Carolina and Florida. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think that Romney will be the nominee? There’s a good article in Politico today that says that Romney doesn’t have to be the perfect candidate. He just has to be better than all the other yahoos. How hard is that?

Two guys are out camping, when they hear a bear clawing into their tent. The first guy jumps up and starts pulling his shoes on. “Don’t be an idiot,” the second guy says. “You can’t outrun a bear!” “I don’t have to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just have to outrun you.”

I love that joke almost as much as the pope/homeless guy joke. Of course Romney’s lead doesn’t take into account the huge endorsement that Newt Gingrich picked up yesterday. Todd Palin. I would rather be endorsed by Snooki. Todd said he likes Gingrich because he’s not one of those “beltway” types. Oh, Todd. Leave Alaska much?

I spent my weekend watching both Republican debates from New Hampshire. The Sunday morning one was, of course, far too early for me so I recorded it and watched it like three hours later. As I lay on the couch overdosing on Claritin D I also watched Contagion and now refuse to touch anything without my hazmat suit on. (Yes, I have one.) Soon I will be the only person left on earth and cannot wait to go through all your personal belongings.

My insightful drug-induced commentary on the debates is up on the Observer.

Voters were treated to not one but two Republican presidential debates in roughly 10 hours—one on Saturday night, the other on Sunday morning. In both debates, Rick Perry was relegated to the far end of the stage in Siberia territory, traditionally reserved for the likes of Jon Huntsman and Michele Bachmann. That said, Rick Santorum used to be in Perry’s position and now he’s front and center thanks to his strong showing in Iowa. Perry, who entered the presidential race strong, is unlikely to see center stage again.

I felt a little bad about Perry’s positioning. The few times he did speak I could have sworn it was a voice off-stage. You never want to be on the end. That’s where the losers go. I was fortunate enough to always be in the center of our cheerleading formation since I was an 85-pound climber. The medium-sized girls—the ones not small or stupid enough to be climbers and the ones not strong enough to be bases—were always on the end. Sometimes I wonder where they are now.

The big news today is about Mitt Romney saying that he likes firing people. Campaigning in New Hampshire this morning he argued that people should be able to buy their own health insurance. In that context he said, “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. If someone doesn’t give me the good service I need, I’m going to go get somebody else to provide that service to me.” Not that I understand it in that context either but I’m guessing it’s never a good idea to say you like being able to fire people.

Naturally Perry is all over this: “Now I have no doubt that Mitt Romney was worried about pink slips—whether he was going to have enough of them to hand out because his company Bain Capital with all the jobs that they killed, I’m sure he was worried that he’d run out of pink slips.” Perry knows of what he speaks, having laid off roughly one billion teachers in the state of Texas in the past year.

At a campaign stop in Spartanburg, Perry said, looking over at Anita, “I’ve got all the people that love me that I need. Her, Jesus and my family.” STOP SAYING THAT JESUS IS SUPPORTING YOU. YOU’RE REALLY PISSING HIM OFF.

There will be not one but TWO Republican debates from New Hampshire this weekend—one on Saturday night and the other on Sunday morning. You might think this is overkill but you have no idea what could happen in the less than 12 hours between these debates. And since I can’t sleep anyway because of my allergies (like you can sleep while your body tries to slowly suffocate you) I will most likely pull an all-nighter. I assume if there’s no Starbucks open my gold card will allow me to open the door and make myself a latte and steal one of their scones-on-steroids. Although he’s not campaigning in New Hampshire, Perry will make an appearance at the debates which is awfully brave of him since his last visit went so well. No word yet on whether he’ll come sober or outfitted in his jogging attire and tights.

It’s clear that Mitt Romney will win in New Hampshire. You’ve got to feel for Jon Huntsman who has been there for like the past year and is still only polling at around eight percent. That’s like dating a guy for five years and investing all that time in the relationship and then instead of getting a ring he dumps you for someone else leaving you with nothing. How humiliating. But I was rather surprised to see Romney ahead in South Carolina. What, has the state recently experienced a huge influx of Mormons? According to the new CNN poll he’s polling at 37 percent. Meanwhile Perry’s at five percent. Good God. It’s time to reassess that non-reassessment of your campaign. But maybe Perry can turn it around with a couple of stellar debate performances this weekend. Yes. That’s the punchline.

I started my day today like most days—way too late, trying to interpret the dreams I had last night (why does the fate of the world always rest in my hands?) and wondering about Rick Perry’s motives. Why would he basically hint at dropping out of the race only to go jogging the next morning and change his mind? I’ve gone jogging before and the only thing I’ve changed my mind about is going jogging. I’m not the only one obsessing over this. Nate Silver over at FiveThirtyEight came up with two hypothetical scenarios.

The first one basically says that Perry decided to ignore everyone’s advice and stay in the race, hoping to redeem himself in South Carolina. His second theory is that Perry’s advisers, top donors and conservative activists urged him to keep going. I suppose each of these scenarios has its own merit but may I suggest another. Perry stayed in the race because he has NOTHING BETTER TO DO. What’s he supposed to do? Come back to Texas and pretend to govern? Perry, Gingrich and Santorum will be fighting each other for the conservative vote. Perry’s only hope is that evangelicals still hate Catholics as much as they hate Mormons, if not more. (As someone who went to school in Carolina’s upper house, if you will, I stayed away from South Carolina for fear that I would be discriminated against for my faith and that I might start talking like them.)

Don’t get me wrong. I think Perry has a very good shot at making a comeback, assuming that Romney, Gingrich, Paul and Santorum all decide to go skydiving together and their parachutes don’t open.

Rick Perry has officially lost his shit which means that I’ve been losing my shit since I started working on my Observer column. I wrote my first draft yesterday before the caucuses—Perry comes in 5th, heads to South Carolina—and then did a complete rewrite following his surprise announcement last night—Perry to reassess campaign, likely to drop out—and then had to edit it again this morning—Perry campaign tweet says he’s back in! Here’s my final draft over at The Observer. I think they ended up going with my first headline, Perry Officially Loses His Shit.

You can’t “reassess” something in a matter of hours. As far as I know, Herman Cain’s still “reassessing” his campaign. You’ve got to at least take a few days to make it look like you’re putting some thought into it. I’m still reassessing my job prospects which either gives people the impression that I’m taking my career very seriously or that I’m a total lazy ass.

Speaking of the tweet heard round the twittersphere, it came from @GovernorPerry accompanied by a photo of Perry dressed as Aquaman. And the next leg of the marathon is the Palmetto State…Here we come South Carolina!!!

You know what tonight is. The season premiere of The Biggest Loser. It’s also the season premiere of that show about obese contestants trying to lose the most weight. OMG! Yes, the Iowa caucuses are upon us and I can only hope that it won’t trigger painful memories for me. I must admit that observing Perry in such a free fall almost makes me feel bad for him. I kid. It’s actually quite enjoyable because, you know, he’s just not a good guy. It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who uses his religion to discriminate against gays.

But according to the Statesman‘s Jason Embry, Perry’s not giving up just yet. “This is Mile 1 of a marathon,” Perry said Monday. “I’ve run a marathon before. I felt great at Mile 1. Matter of fact, I felt pretty great at Mile 17 and 18. Mile 21, you kind of start hitting that wall a little bit, and we’ll see who’s still running at Mile 21.” I can relate. I’ve run a 5K before and I felt great like the first five minutes and then by the time I reached the first station and dumped a cup of water on my head, I decided I couldn’t go on. But when I heard the cheers of the crowd, I got up again and walked the rest of the way in pain. When I crossed the finish line, I fell to the ground screaming WHERE’S MY FREE T-SHIRT? I imagine that this is where Perry is right about now. He’s reached the WHERE’S MY FREE T-SHIRT phase.

Meanwhile Rick Santorum, whose sudden climb in the polls can be attributed to his swift conversion from Catholicism to evangelicalism, told supporters in Iowa that he’s not interested in “making black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money” when asked about federal benefit and entitlement programs. You’ve got to hand it to him. He managed to slam the federal government and black people in one sentence. He was appearing Sunday in front of a mostly-white audience. The non-whites in the crowd must have used their welfare assistance to make a campaign contribution.

“[Entitlements] just keep expanding,” Santorum said. “I was talking to someone who works in the department of public welfare here, and she told me that the state of Iowa is going to get fined if they don’t sign up more people under the Medicaid program. They’re just pushing harder and harder to get more and more of you dependent upon them so they can get your vote. That’s what the bottom line is.” And by “more and more of you,” he means “more and more of you black people.”

I’ll be tweeting the caucuses (that’s what she said) tonight. If you’re not on twitter, please email me your fax numbers for updates.

I hope you’re all as excited as I am for tomorrow’s caucuses. I’ve already made OCCUPY IOWA t-shirts which I will pass out to the hangers-on at Austin City Hall along with some cold porridge for good measure. Speaking of the Occupy movement, there is now an Occupy the Caucuses movement whose members are apparently lying down silently in a “die-in” in the lobby of the Renaissance hotel in downtown Des Moines to protest corporate money in politics. But they’re going after Democrats. I don’t think anyone told them this was a Republican caucus. I’m assuming that a “die-in” is something like corpse pose in yoga where you’re supposed to close your eyes and relax at the end of class. Personally I always keep one eye open in case someone is trying to steal from me.

The latest polls show Romney and Ron Paul in a tie for first and Rick Santorum a close third. However many Iowa voters are still undecided which is why Rick Perry has pulled out the big guns like Gov. Bobby Jindal, David Dewhurst, failed presidential candidate Steve Forbes and country singer Larry Gaitlin. Please tell me this is his B-team.

Since today is a federal holiday, ITP offices will naturally be closed for the rest of the afternoon. This will give me ample time to take down the Christmas tree although right now I have the blinking lights turned on. I suppose this could be construed as “dangerous” since the tree is so dry it’s lost half its pine needles but it’s always been hard for me to let go of things. Just ask my Strawberry Shortcake dolls. They’re hidden in my glove compartment.

My latest Perryland column in the Observer is up. It was difficult for me to write it through my salty tears.

According to the latest poll from Five Thirty Eight, Rick Perry has fallen into dreaded Michele Bachmann territory. The Iowa primary projections give Perry a two percent chance of winning. At least that’s two percent more than Jon Huntsman but then he never campaigned there. Mitt Romney has moved into first place with 22 percent and is now expected to win. Ron Paul is a close second with Rick Santorum (yes, that Rick Santorum) taking the bronze from Newt Gingrich. Perry has 12 percent of the projected vote. But don’t cry for our governor just yet. He’s got at least one more useless ad up his sleeve.

Yet again another Christmas has gone by without a shiny new Lexus wrapped up in a red bow sitting in my driveway. Over the years I have perfected the look of surprise on my face as I run outside smiling, get in the car and drive away to start my new life. But yoga pants and lavender bath salts are a close second.

As a Christmas present to myself, I took a much-needed break from the Republican race for the past week. I checked back in today only to find that it was just as pathetic as I’d remembered it. But there is one heartwarming story among the heartbreak: A cowboy-themed Christian-based pizza and fried chicken restaurant chain based in Mount Pleasant, Iowa. Pizza Ranch has become a conservative meeting place of sorts as well as a necessary campaign stop for all the Republican candidates. According to the LA Times, the blessed mile-long salad bar holds “ham chunks and five kinds of mayonnaise-based salads.” Great. Now I’m hungry.

The Pizza Ranch mission is “to glorify God by positively impacting the world we live in.” In fact if you look closely enough you can see the face of God in the ham chunks. Holding political events at the Pizza Ranch gives candidates the perfect opportunity to “fit in” with the average American by gorging on fried chicken legs wrapped in pizza pies topped with mayonnaise in solidarity with the ongoing obesity epidemic.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with Christian restaurants. I just prefer to eat agnostic. And not that this would matter in Iowa, which is roughly 99.5 percent Christian and 0.5 percent Unsaved, but what about Jewish or Muslim diners? Shouldn’t the presidential hopefuls be breaking bread with all the religious-themed diners?