Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Snot
With every day of good health, I become increasingly confident that I am immune to the H1N1 virus due to my superior genetic code. Or perhaps because I’ve already had it, as evidenced by my all-out pukefest in a taxicab this summer in Baltimore. Either way, I’m not too concerned about it but then again, I don’t have to deal with snotty germ-infested children on a daily basis (weekly if you have a nanny who loves your child more than you do).
First there was Wall Street, now we have fictional characters making their case for why they should live longer than anyone else. Santas across the nation are actively lobbying for the swine flu vaccine, claiming that aside from being around dirty mall kids, they’re also fat and obesity is considered a risk factor. Oh sure. Everyone has a story. This effort isn’t just composed of random Santas roaming the halls of Congress doling out free lap dances. This is the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. BAM.
The president of the organization, Nicholas (OH THAT IS SO NOT YOUR REAL NAME) Trolli, said he hopes parents will not bring their sick kids. But since you can’t trust mothers who could care less about infecting the entire food court as long as she gets a chance to hit Pottery Barn, it’s best to protect yourself. Meanwhile Ernest Berger, the head of Santa America, estimates that about two-thirds of all Santas are overweight and about a third are morbidly obese. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Stop eating all the fucking candy canes.
Some in the health care field are suggesting that Santa forgo the white gloves and use hand sanitizer between each child since viruses can live on unwashed hands for hours. “If your hand was warm and moist, it could live longer,” said Dr. Jodie Dionne-Odom. “It depends on whether you have a glob of mucus on your hand where it’s going to live happily versus a tiny speck. It’s kind of disgusting, but it would depend on what was on your hand.”
Great. So this holiday season instead of roasting chestnuts we have globs of mucus. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
Others are saying that maybe Santa should just greet children from a few feet away instead of putting them on his lap. How I wish that rule had been instituted when I was a baby…
November 17th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
This Santa looks like he has eyeliner on …and is a mouth breather. You girls are precious!
November 17th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Yes, he wore thick black eyeliner. You should see some of the other pictures. My parents took us to that same Santa every year. Scarring.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
After the incident with Ronald McDonald at the McDonald’s opening when I was a toddler, my mom didn’t want to take the chance that I would attack Santa so I never went to the mall to see him or sit on his lap.
I did discover that the coralled kids seem to have snot pouring out of their noses while they scream on my last visit to a mall, so Santa’s village is a cesspool of disease. I bet their lymphnodes are as big as cats!
The pandemic that wipes out humanity won’t be started by terrorists. It will be because moms are too lazy to sanitize their kids’ toys and then send them to school when they are sick because they don’t want to have spend the whole day with them. It is always the parents’ fault.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Fortunately, your eldest niece is still terrified at the idea of approaching Santa from more than 50 feet. She just waves and asks us to send him an email.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Your youngest niece wants to know if she can be an elf. She’s short enough (takes after Auntie E).
November 17th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I was at the mall this weekend and Santa was there. He STILL gives me the creeps.
November 17th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Do they make tyvek santa suits? It’d be easy enough to disguise the mask with the beard. Put some nitrile gloves under the mittens and you’ve got Santa PPE, level C. The reindeer protection will take some more thought.
November 17th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
sounds like a scene from ET or The Andromeda Strain……
I KNEW this Halloween yard decor was gonna ruin Christmas……Santa in a Space suit……kids will have to rely on the Easter bunny for pure Christian made up fantasy.
/I understand what I mean, sorry if it all is too confusing.
//It’s not easy being me.
November 17th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
WONDERFUL PHOTO!
Loving memories thru the terror, eh?
November 18th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Sanitize my kids toys! Are you shitting me! I barely have enough energy to make a large G&T when I get in from work. How am I supposed to find another hour to wipe down tonka trucks with Lysol? Repeat after me, “It’s good for their immune systems, it’s good for their immune systems”
November 18th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Powerwashing. It’s not just for siding anymore.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Trees are safe. Maybe Martha Stewart will come up with a nice decorating idea using tamiflu boxes, lysol cans, and empty bottles of Purell.
November 18th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Jusgt have your kids read this blog, Jimbo. IIIN has had it, probably, and by reading her words, they are just as likely to be immune as by taking the vaccine.
Another TM exclusive!
/Eileen, that headline is very disturbing. Makes my nose run.
November 18th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Toys carved from soap – it’s the future.
November 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I prefer toys washed off with gin. Fun for the whole family and quite effective.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
our daycare just sprays the kids with bleach on the way in the door.
aside from the screams, it seems effective. in our house, we’ve each had the flu only once this season. ditto the lice.
November 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
A nitwit household eh?
November 18th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
forget creepy Santa
creepy Martha. Anyone that fixated on order…geeesh! :p