“I’m for Mitt Romney”? I’m fairly certain that’s the lamest endorsement I’ve ever heard, even lamer than my endorsement of a blind date as “you’re both old, don’t you want to get married before you die?” I mean, Bush’s parents gave like a three-hour endorsement of Romney from their warm inviting living room, treating him like the son they never had. Meanwhile Romney doesn’t seem too grateful for W’s endorsement and is hardly acknowledging it. Bush should have said, “That guy’s such a douchebag,” and let the doors close.

And it’s not as though I look that different from my earliest birthdays when I received creepy smiling beach toys.

While I was away, there was some breaking news. The president announced what I’ve suspected for some time now. He’s gay.

I can’t believe I voted for a gay president. Now I’ll have to seriously reconsider my options. Vote to reelect the first black Muslim homosexual president or vote for the Mormon. Fine. I’ll vote for the black Muslim gay guy. (However it’s tough to argue with Rand Paul’s bold statement that Obama’s stance on gay marriage “couldn’t get any gayer.” OMG! THAT’S SO GAY!) I did, however, manage to write a small piece on Politico on my iPhone in a sandstorm at the beach concerning Obama’s historic turnaround on same-sex marriage:

In case you missed it, immediately following President Obama’s endorsement of gay marriage, traditional marriages across the country began falling apart and lovestruck farm animals started picking out china patterns.

Luckily the House, in all its infantile wisdom, passed a measure reinforcing the Defense of Marriage Act shortly thereafter to show the American people that unlike the president, they will continue to protect straight couples by discriminating against gay couples. You’re welcome.

If conservatives truly wanted to preserve traditional marriage as opposed to squashing the civil rights of committed homosexual couples, they would be addressing real issues that threaten the family structure like adultery and divorce. If they need to hire a consultant, I hear Newt Gingrich is free. Until then, they’ll just have to be content being on the wrong side of history.

I know what you’re thinking. How does she do it? I’m just getting better with age, people. Meanwhile as Obama was being praised by gay rights groups, Mitt Romney was giving the commencement speech at that bastion of civil rights, Liberty University. Of course, evangelicals believe that Mormonism is a cult but apparently they’re willing to overlook that. Because, really, the biggest threat facing this country today is gay couples getting married. Gay people getting married? Dude. You can’t get any gayer than that.

I’m heading up to Virginia for my nephew’s First Communion since we are his godparents and have been guiding him in his faith journey since baptism. Coincidentally I’ll also be there for my birthday which I’m totally looking forward to. Really. I always worried that when I reached the midpoint of my life I would freak out, reflecting on my lack of accomplishments and ongoing series of failures, never learning from the same mistakes I’d made over and over again. But instead I’m embracing this new reality. I’m even thinking of reading The Secret. You know, one of those bullshit books about the meaning of life that people start quoting from to show how wise they are—Your thoughts become things! Remember that your thoughts are the primary cause of everything! Still the idea is somewhat compelling. So whatever I think about really hard will end up happening? That’s how powerful my thoughts are? OK. I want to be five years younger. Thanks Rhonda Byrne!

I’ll let you know if my crow’s feet have mysteriously vanished by morning. Until then, see you all in a week.

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The very first time I met Karen, I always knew she was destined for greatness.

At a prayer breakfast Wednesday morning, Perry said that God has forgiven him for his “oops” moment. Yes, God’s big problem with Perry is that he embarrassed himself on the national stage, not that he hates poor people. That’s so lame. Was Perry even in a confessional? I remember going to confession as a child with the priest behind the screen and nervously telling him that I’d eaten chocolate. My penance was 10,000 Hail Marys and a strict protein diet. If you don’t confess in a confessional, then you haven’t been forgiven. You’re just kidding yourself.

According to Perry’s testimony:

You’ve been given free will but it’s God’s will that we seek every day in our private lives, in our public lives and as a nation. National Day of Prayer is our way of saying that we require God in every facet of our lives, not just in our public lives and certainly not in just our private lives.”

Let’s pray for our president, for his wisdom. I pray that God pierces his heart.

Oh I bet you do.

Romney’s foreign policy and national security spokesman and former Bush staffer Richard “Ric” Grenell has resigned after some conservatives found out he was not only homosexual but also spelled his name in gay form. In a statement the Romney campaign said that they are “disappointed,” that Grenell resigned for “personal reasons,” and that his position will be hard to fill. Please. Why would you want an openly gay man involved in foreign policy? His only plans for Afghanistan would be to redecorate it.

The American Family Association, proud sponsors of The Response, had criticized Romney for hiring Grenell, much like they criticized him back in the 2008 campaign for promoting pay-per-view porn. Despite the fact that the AFA organized a  boycott of Home Depot last year for sponsoring “gay pride events,” Romney publicly touted his endorsement by the sexually confused founder of Home Depot. The worst thing about hiring gays? According to AFA’s leadership, they brought on the Holocaust. (When I heard that one, I stopped ordering the group’s KKK Christmas trees.)

“I want to thank Governor Romney for his belief in me and my abilities and his clear message to me that being openly gay was a non-issue for him and his team,” Grenell said. What’s worse, being openly gay or openly Mormon? Being an openly gay Mormon.

Clearly no one on the Romney campaign consulted Matthew Franck, director of the Center on Religion and the Constitution at the Witherspoon Institute, before hiring Grenell. He cites Grenell’s support for same-sex marriage as his “crusade,” fought with “a kind of unhinged devotion that suggests a man with questionable judgment.” See how he snuck that “unhinged” in there? Gay=Crazy=InternationalHomosexualAgenda=EncouragingWorldGayness=EndTimes
=MeGoingToHeaven=YouBeingLeftBehind.

You won’t even need a foreign relations strategy. It’ll be like Mad Max around here.

The bill was drafted by the Family Action Council of Tennessee, a conservative Christian group, as part of the broader abstinence-only sex education movement. Can’t we take “abstinence-only” a tad further? Like “burn-in-hell-if-you-even-think-about-sex-you-freaky-pervert” education? Go ahead and laugh but over 60 percent of Memphis City high school students have had sex. The other 40 percent are in drama club.

I must say that the whole “gateway” concept doesn’t make much sense to me, like if you smoke pot today you’ll be smoking crack in the gutter tomorrow. Sure, I started with California Coolers, which led to beer, which led to a few missteps in college with jägermeister but as the mature adult that I am now, I stick with wine. No martinis, or gin and tonics, or Everclear grain alcohol. I am what you’d call a “gateway success story.” But then I’m not a high school student in Tennessee. Shudder.

In a clip from the show Williams says, “People will remember where they were when they heard Osama bin Laden was dead.” Are you kidding? I can’t remember last week never mind last year. The assassination took place either Sunday, May 1 or Monday, May 2 depending on if you’re on Middle East or U.S. time. So if we’re talking about the first Sunday of May 2011, I was probably refusing to get out of bed, bemoaning my lost youth, only sitting up when my husband brought me Starbucks. That would go for Monday as well.

However I did look up May 2 last year in my archives, which is usually what I do to gauge my mood swings over the years, and discovered that I hadn’t even realized Osama was dead because I was too busy watching “The Killing.” Apparently who killed Rosie Larson was more important to me than the killing of the number one wanted terrorist.

Here’s my take on whether the Obama campaign’s use of the killing of Bin Laden in its ads will hurt him. As you can see, Politico is still using just one-third of my face in my photo. It’s better that way.

So Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney today despite his campaign’s earlier promise: “As a former U.S. military officer and a proud Aggie, Rick Perry puts a premium on loyalty and therefore today remains a Newt Gingrich backer.” This is what he calls loyalty? Gingrich isn’t formally ending his campaign until next week.

Mitt Romney has earned the Republican Presidential nomination through hard-work, a strong organization, and disciplined message of restoring America after nearly four years of failed job-killing policies from President Obama and his administration. So today I join the many conservative Republicans across the nation in endorsing Mitt Romney for President and pledge to him, my constituents and the Republican Party than I will continue to work hard to help defeat President Obama.

That’s the most generic endorsement I’ve ever heard. He just plugged in Mitt Romney for every [Insert Nominee Here]. That’s how I do wedding toasts.

I’m so honored to be here to celebrate the marriage of [Insert Bride] and [Insert Groom]. I’ve known [Insert Bride] for [XX] years and she’s like a sister to me. Damn it. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I know you will have a long happy life together and as the years go by we’ll probably drift apart because [Insert Groom] is such an incredible asshole. But for tonight, let’s raise our glasses. To the bride and groom!

Disclaimer: I am going to Tickled Pink‘s wedding on Saturday and in no way does this generic toast reflect my feelings toward her or her [groom].

But let’s turn to more pressing matters. Since we last left Cartagena-gate, eight Secret Service agents have lost their jobs, which is good news for all those unemployed agents who have been working at Starbucks to make ends meet. (Please. It’s no coincidence that your neighborhood Starbucks is so safe. Look for the barista in the suit wearing an earpiece.)

Some security officials are now saying that there was “no sexual activity because the men were so drunk that they fell asleep immediately after bringing the women to their rooms.” Seriously? After a few drinks they can’t get it up yet we trust them to protect the president? I did not have sex with that woman. My penis was completely flaccid. It’s not even the sex thing that’s the issue. It’s that these guys PASSED OUT with hookers in their rooms who could very well have been covert double agents in search of classified documents.

“You take a bunch of guys out of the country and have a lot of women showering them with attention, bad things are bound to happen,” one agent said. My bad. I didn’t realize we were talking about Spring Break.

We keep hearing that Obama is struggling with the Catholic vote. According to a recent Pew Center poll, 31 percent of white Catholics describe the administration as “unfriendly” to religion. That’s quite a conundrum given that Catholics consider Mormonism to be one small step above Scientology but still below Kabbalah. When I was growing up our family used to stay at Marriott hotels while on vacation because one of our neighbors was an executive. One time I opened up the drawer to find the Book of Mormon lying there. As I reached to pull it out my parents screamed DON’T TOUCH THAT just before it burst into flames.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has called for two weeks of public protests this summer against what it sees as the war on religion.

The protests are expected to include priests and nuns and thousands of Catholic parishioners. Some activists expect civil disobedience, which could lead to powerful images of priests and nuns being led away in hand restraints.

Do you have any idea how much I’d pay to see that?

The Catholic church is also discussing joining forces with evangelical groups on a more comprehensive media strategy. Apparently we no longer care that evangelicals think we’re going to be Left Behind, along with the Jews. As Catholic activist Larry Cirignano noted, “It’s all about all the religious freedom issues, from putting God into the Pledge of Allegiance to putting ‘In God we trust’ on money.” Wait. People still use cash?

To be honest, I’m much more concerned with the “crackdown on American nuns” by the Vatican, criticizing the Leadership Conference of Women Religious for promoting certain “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith.” The disciplinary action against the nuns comes after a TWO-YEAR INVESTIGATION by Rome. Yes. That’s what the Vatican should be investigating. To be fair they do look pretty threatening. No doubt this nun is indoctrinating these innocent children in radical feminist themes. God’s work, indeed.

I have a lot of memories of France. I think the best memories were with my wife on vacations, from time to time in France. The last vacation we had there, walking around the city of Paris, not just in the Champs-Elysees, but also over to the Jardin of Luxembourg and around the city, as one of the most magnificent cities in the world and I look forward to occasional vacations again in such a beautiful place.

What a snob. First of all, Romney should have refused to answer any question from a dirty Frenchman and had him removed from the premises tout suite. Then he should have said that his favorite place to vacation (please, God, don’t say “summer”) is in Altoona at the old Knickerbocker Tavern, home to the finest “wings and wedges” in the country. (Yes, I just googled that. Which is exactly what Romney’s advisers should be doing instead of letting their candidate wax poetic about Versailles.)

Romney failed to mention the TWO YEARS he spent in France as a Mormon missionary because that would have reminded people that he’s Mormon. I’m not sure which is more offensive to the average Republican voter—being Mormon or liking France. Or using such fancy words as “Jardin” and “magnificent.”

I traveled to France years ago with my husband-to-be, expecting to impress him with my language skills. Unfortunately I hadn’t uttered a word of French since high school so instead my attempts at fitting in were met with looks of disgust. It felt like home.

Although Fenway Park’s theme song “Sweet Caroline” was bastardized by Fever Pitch, it hasn’t dampened my respect for the ballad. When we were growing up the only album my parents listened to more than Neil Diamond was Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. I have fond memories of making up dances at our beach cottage while my parents were on their fifth martini, whispering about what to do with their youngest daughter. I even saw Neil Diamond in concert when I was in college. I’m fairly certain I was alone.

Since Texas has no baseball team of its own that I’m aware of, we should all celebrate the Red Sox today. America’s team.

According to insiders, of which you and I are not, Perry will run in 2014 which could mean a grand total of 18 years as governor of the Great State of Texas. To put it in perspective, that means if you had a baby in 2001, and Perry wins a fourth term, your child’s ENTIRE LIFE will have been governed by one man. Of course, he’s also suggesting that he may run for president again in 2016 and I would fully support this bid. Hillary would completely destroy him and then dance on his corpse with a bottle of Canadian whiskey.

“I think Texas has some serious Perry burnout,” said Democratic strategist Glenn Smith. “He’s like a bad TV sitcom that’s just run too long.” How dare you compare Perry to Law & Order: SVU. I’m finally getting used to the brand new cast, even Harry Connick, Jr.

This is getting ridiculous. Are there NO DEMOCRATS out there who could stop this man? Fine. I guess it’s up to me to save the party, as usual. For your consideration:

Andy Brown
Mark Strama
Harold Cook
TJ Shroat
Rafael Anchia
Matthew McConaughey
Renee Zellweger
Mark Warner
Latest porn star girlfriend of Jesse James
Don’t Mess w/ Pink (not the latest porn star girlfriend, that I’m aware of)
Entire cast of Friday Night Lights (minus that John Carter dude)

You may notice there are fewer women on this list. This is because there is a War on Women and many prestigious women in the community have been taken as hostages. I am blogging from a damp windowless cell with nothing to eat but airplane peanuts. My husband has yet to pay the ransom.

The bishops are finally criticizing Rep. Paul Ryan’s callous budget cuts to food stamps and other assistance programs for the poor saying that the Republican budget fails to meet certain “moral criteria” by cutting programs that “serve poor and vulnerable people.” Please. If Jesus wanted the poor to eat, he would give them five loaves of bread and two fish. If my calculations are correct, that could feed at least 5,000 low-income Americans.

Last week Ryan, a Catholic, said that his faith shaped the budget he authored and that it is consistent with Catholic teachings. What church did he grow up in? The one that said that Jesus loved the Pharisees? You know, if you see Ryan on the Sunday talk shows, he seems like a pretty decent guy. But I believe that Ryan, while a very nice guy, is the Devil.

What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he’s around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I’m semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation…

In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (which I listen to in between self-flagellation and pulling out my fingernails one by one), Ryan said that “a person’s faith is central to how they conduct themselves in public and in private.” I totally agree. Which is why I assume that Ryan is also a dick in private. “So to me, using my Catholic faith… we call it the social magisterium, which is how do you apply the doctrine of your teaching into your everyday life as a lay person?” Since I wasn’t familiar with the term “social magisterium,” I started flipping through my 15th edition Britannica encyclopedias until I remembered the Internet. Apparently it just refers to the Catholic Social Doctrine which lays out the principles of how justice and charity are to be lived out. I’m happy to report that I’ve been adhering to the doctrine by administering my own peculiar idea of justice.

“Those principles are very, very important,” Ryan said. “And the preferential option for the poor, which is one of the primary tenets of Catholic social teaching, means don’t keep people poor, don’t make people dependent on government so that they stay stuck at their station in life, help people get out of poverty, out into a life of independence.”

Yes, those LAZY PEOPLE and their poor children depending on food stamps and other government assistance programs during a sucky economy and zero jobs. I think we can all agree that it’s much better to redirect these dollars to subsidizing big agribusiness. Ryan’s pseudo-Catholic rhetoric is more Prosperity Gospel than it is Holy Bible. Or Hunger Games. May the odds be never in your favor, you poor and downtrodden!

Now it’s being reported that as many as 20 Secret Service and military personnel may have been involved. The scandal has led to increased scrutiny of the Secret Service culture, in which married agents joke during aircraft takeoff, “wheels up, rings off.” HA HA HA. Get it? Their poor wives think they’re protecting the president but they’re actually cheating on them with STD-carrying prostitutes! The only thing I say during takeoff is, “Well, I’ve led a good life.” You know who would have never acted this way? Diane Lane as mousy frigid Agent Nina Chance in Murder at 1600, one of her most underrated performances since Nights in Rodanthe.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MEN?

From what I remember, there are churches and there is alcohol and there is a coast somewhere. In between running from local men trying to sell me something—GET AWAY FROM ME MY MOTHER IS JANET NAPOLITANO—and trying to keep myself hydrated in 120 percent humidity, I don’t recall seeing many prostitutes. Plenty of fake emeralds though.

During the Summit of the Americas in Colombia, eleven secret service agents were allegedly caught with prostitutes in Cartagena instead of protecting, you know, THE PRESIDENT. (This security breach is almost as serious as when the Salahis crashed the state dinner.) Apparently Wednesday night—before Obama was there—started out innocently enough at a strip club before some bodyguards dropped the prostitutes off at the Hotel Caribe. According to an employee at the club, “The gringos got rowdy at the bar. They drank fine whiskey and slept with the prettiest ones, the ones that charge 300,000 pesos.” Now before you get all judgy, prostitution is legal in Colombia, as is cocaine and Kathleen Turner crotch shots. Things got complicated when one of the prostitutes refused to leave the hotel, claiming she hadn’t been paid. Why the agents didn’t just kill her and hide the body is beyond me. Isn’t that part of their job?

It’s important to note that they were allegedly entertaining prostitutes. For all we know, the hookers were part of an elaborate scheme to distract from the secretary of state’s binge drinking. At a PRO-CUBAN bar.

As the NY Post reports, “Hillary Clinton got down in Cartagena, hitting the dance floor and drinking beer … Clinton letting her hair down is the kind of thing that would play well in that presidential run in 2016 that some of her supporters have suddenly started talking about in the last few weeks.”

Oh for God’s sake. It didn’t help the last time around. Maybe the woman just needs a beer.

In case you missed it the big news today is that Democrats have declared a War on Moms, which makes the Republican War on Women much less interesting because if the War on Women consists only of single women, childless women and women going through menopause, who cares. These are MOMS, people.

It all started last night when Democratic consultant Hilary Rosen said that Ann Romney had “never worked a day in her life.” This created a firestorm because everyone knows that being a mom is the hardest job in the world, even harder than laying black tar pavement in the middle of the summer for minimum wage. I’ve heard that some poor women in Lubbock even resort to vacuuming naked for tips.

Romney responded today by saying she made a career choice to be a stay-at-home mom to five boys. That’s not a career choice. That’s a life sentence. Of course this little exchange has now become a veritable shitstorm, forcing Republicans to lay down their arms in the War on Women in order to enlist in the “War on Day Care: Moms Who Don’t Care.” The battle has already begun with latchkey kids being taken as hostages.

I’d like to say that, as a proud American warrior, I stand ready to be sent to the front lines of these gender wars. I’m just a stay-at-home person. I have nothing better to do.

For just $100 an hour, you can have your entire house cleaned by either a scantily clad, topless or totally naked woman. Throw in an extra $50 and you can have TWO women cleaning your house. After the obligatory pillow fight. Throw in another Ben Franklin and they’ll give you a lap dance and pretend they’re attracted to you, you sick bastard.

The West Texas entrepreneur, 26-year-old Melissa Borrett, said she started the business to help make ends meet. First, it was just her but now she has three maids: Angel, Maryjane and Star (all their real names). “We clean, we cook, we iron, do laundry, pretty much any kind of household chores,” Borrett said. “I’m thinking Alice from the ‘Brady Bunch.’” Good. God. No.

You can also hire the maids for parties. Although there’s nothing more annoying than having professional staff at parties. I don’t know how many times some caterer has taken away my plate when there’s still a half-eaten mini quiche on it and I have to scream I WAS SAVING THAT FOR LATER NAKED LADY.

Naturally the Lubbock police department is not happy with Fantasy Maids saying that they don’t have a permit to operate a sexually oriented business. Seriously? What do you call Texas Tech? If the students aren’t having sex, what are they doing? Chasing boll weevils?

The company’s website says, “We know how busy y’all are, so let us do your housework for you while you sit back, relax and scope out the eye candy.”

But the thing you don’t realize is that there’s good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing – good. Naked crouching – bad.—Jerry Seinfeld, “The Apology”

[ABC News]