I saved her life, she nearly drowned
He showed off, splashing around

Yes, Governor Perry is still toying with the idea of a special session on school finance but this time, looks like he’s hopelessly devoted to it.

From Express-News: Gov. Rick Perry told a crowd at a Bexar County Republican Party fundraiser he plans to call the Legislature into special session later this month, two San Antonio lawmakers who attended the event said Tuesday.

“He didn’t say, ‘If the House and Senate can agree.’ He said, ‘I plan to call them back in late June,’” said Sen. Jeff Wentworth.

Hey – there are worse things he could do, then call a special session…
or two.

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Minimum Teacher Salary in Texas: $24,240

Minimum Tips at The Yellow Rose for a Year’s
Worth of Lap Dances: Like, I don’t know, but I’m guessing – triple that. Minimum.

Although the Lege rolled over and played dead on revamping school finance, including the long-awaited teacher pay raises, Karen Brooks at the DMN writes
of a possible loophole:

Some Texas teachers might get a raise next year
after all. A statewide teacher association is arguing that a slight increase in the state’s per-pupil funding formula, buried deep in the 900-page budget approved by the Legislature, triggers an automatic increase in the minimum salary allowed for Texas’ nearly 300,000 teachers.

The Texas Federation of Teachers is asking Education Commissioner Shirley Neeley for clarification on the provision.

According to the Federation, this could affect about 150 Texas school districts currently paying the minimum teacher salary – which could mean a raise of up to 7 percent. Which could mean some teachers might actually be able to afford a movie on the weekends! With popcorn! But no butter. Don’t get greedy.

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Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn certified the $139 billion budget earlier today, which means that it’s balanced.

And that is one big fish.

This morning, I was awoken by the sound of waves gently kissing the beach, and the tropical breezes on my face. After stepping outside and breathing in the warm sun, I fixed myself a cup of ambition and fired up the old laptop.

And SURPRISE, SURPRISE… the state went and got itself a budget. Apparently Craddick and Dewhurst were able to put aside their differences just long enough to agree on a $140 billion plan.

School finance? Well, that’s another story.

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The Speaker named House conferees on Friday afternoon for HB 2, the magic school bus bill, and HB 3, the mammoth tax bill. But first, we had to go through some motions.

Rep. Will Hartnett offered up a motion to instruct House conferees to reject gambling, alluding to a Senate amendment to expand electronic bingo. Because House conferees are children and they need to be instructed. Some of them need to be spanked. Don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t gamble. And no sexy dance moves.

Hartnett: “This is really insurance… We all know that there’s constant push for gambling expansion and the most likely way it’s going
to happen is by being tacked to a major bill. There’s a lot of us who are going to do our best to kill HB 3 if it’s got gambling in it…
Let’s take it up now, take it off the table so it’s not in HB 3. I love hearing the argument about process. Let’s be realistic here… we know the process, our voters don’t know
the process.”

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Rep. Geanie Morrison’s emergency tuition revenue bond passed the House last night. HB 2329 will help fund facilities and special projects at state universities, and buy the Speaker a nice wing at a Midland hospital, in the name of Texas Tech.

According to Morrison, she received hundreds of requests (mostly from the Speaker’s Office – OK, seriously, STOP CALLING) concerning a number of very *special* projects: “HB 2329 is a compilation of all of those requests. The projects have been reviewed by the Higher Education Coordinating Board. My intent is to roll all of these bills together to keep them moving.”

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The QR reports that in the wee small hours of
the morning, the Senators were split on Sen.
Mario Gallegos’ Video Lottery Terminal (VLT) amendment, which ultimately failed, to the mammoth tax bill, which ultimately passed. According to VLT proponents, slots (not to be confused with “sluts” aka “cheerleaders” ) could raise an additional $2 billion in revenue
for schools.

But Sen. Jane Nelson just wasn’t having it. She immediately called for a point of order “before
I go out and get my pink tennis shoes.” Lt. Gov. Dewhurst sustained the objection… apparently because he’s seen Nelson in her pink tennis shoes and, well, he just wasn’t having it.

Let’s break it down…

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Who knew that Texas liked leaving billions of dollars in Washington…

Ever hear of the Earned Income Tax Credit? No? Neither have thousands of working Texans who are eligible! It’s a refundable income tax credit for low-income Texans and families to help offset social security taxes while acting as an incentive to work. In 2003, roughly $1.2 billion coming to Texas went unclaimed. Oops!

HB 630, by Rep. Mike Villarreal and Rep. Marc Veasey, would require the Health and Human Services Commission to distribute educational materials relating to the federal tax credit to clients receiving public benefits such as food stamps and Medicaid. There’s no fiscal note attached to the bill and it was voted unanimously out of committee.

So why hasn’t it hit the House floor? Put some gyrating cheerleaders on that puppy and it would FLY, man. Cheeseburger bill? Check. Saving Texans millions of dollars? Uh… yeah. Maybe tomorrow.

The so-called cheeseburger bill hits the Floor today, according to A Capitol Blog. HB 107 by Rep. Corbin Van Arsdale would prevent Texans from suing our fine fast food haunts for obesity and other health issues. Apparently 14 states have enacted “frivolous lawsuit / personal responsibility legislation” on the obesity issue, and Texas is one of 12 states considering similar legislation.

Van Arsdale: “If someone basically overeats or they’re just not using self-discipline, that should not be the basis for going after a bunch of people with money… I think anytime you file a big lawsuit and transfer money from job-creating companies to lawyers and private individuals, there better be a darn good reason for doing that.”

Guess who agrees with him? The Texas Restaurant Association! More from AP: Diet and exercise choices are the biggest contributors to Americans’ weight problems, said Glen Garey, Texas Restaurant Association general counsel. “That Nintendo and La-Z-Boy chair have something to do with [obesity], too… We do have a problem in Texas with obesity, but it has a lot more to do with limited physical activity than McDonald’s.”

Here’s a sample action alert from TRA:

The restaurant industry is the latest target of unscrupulous trial lawyers claiming that our industry is responsible for obesity in the United States. Obesity is about more than just food. Lawsuits that target the restaurants industry as the cause of obesity are frivolous and are an unfortunate attempt to capitalize on the recent publicity and news stories on the growing rates of obesity. As you are aware, the judicial system in the United States is already overburdened.

Ack! McDonalds is under attack! *I’m lovin’ it.*

Snapshot: McD’s operates and franchises more than 30,000 restaurants in 119 countries on five continents, serving nearly 50 million customers a day. Cash on hand? $3.9 billion. Named Marketer of the Year by Ad Age.

“Through i’m lovin’ it, customers express their individuality and celebrate their commonalities. They describe what they love about life and how McDonalds fits into it. They tell us we are inclusive… that they can be themselves with us… that they always feel comfortable and welcome at our restaurants.”

From its 2004 Annual Report: “I love going to McDonald’s. Tommy and I have lots of fun. We run around the PlayPlace, then eat lunch. I usually get a Happy Meal with McNuggets and chocolate milk. Tommy likes cheeseburgers and Apple Dippers. We both like the toys. That’s why we’re such good friends.”

Gee. That sounds GREAT. I bet the boys will be even *better* friends when they’re both undergoing coronary artery bypass surgery in 30 years!

Thank God we have good people like Corbin Van Arsdale protecting poor little David (McDonalds) against big bad Goliath (Texas children). What’s next? Legislation to erect the Golden Arches on top of the pink building? “Billions and billions served….”

Want some fries with that shake?

This afternoon the House killed HJR 35, a bill authored by Rep. Dwayne Bohac to lower the current 10 percent appraisal cap. Bohac could not be reached for immediate comment because he was riding around on some bus with the common folk, talking about appraisals…

And growing a goatee.

He had a website and everything! LIFE IS SO UNFAIR! What say ye, oh wise website?

AppraisalCap.com: “It’s sad that certain members were unwilling to even have a debate on the floor and discuss an issue that is so important to taxpayers all across the state of Texas.”

That IS sad. I didn’t even realize how sad it was until I sifted through the APPRAISAL HORROR STORIES featured on AppraisalCap.com. Will Becky Evans in College Station lose her home now? Will Tiger Currin from Willis reallly move back to Florida? And what about poor Wayne Hamilton in Sugar Land? He wrote in that he’ll vote out any politician who doesn’t support the caps! That’s, like, 81 people, Wayne!

The appraisal cap legislation was a key part of Gov. Perry’s tax reform agenda so I guess he’ll be joining Bohac for a round of pity drinks somewhere this evening.

Rep. Fred Hill: “The time to kill a snake is when you’ve got the hoe in your hand.”

And don’t forget – a hoe in the hand is worth two in the whorehouse.

For a legislative play by play, check out Rep. Aaron Pena’s blog – he has floor privileges, I do not.

What does it take to get elected around here!?

I attended a presser for a state income tax this afternoon at the Senate press room, thrown by Sen. Eliot Shapleigh and Rep. Eddie Rodriguez.

My first thought: State income tax. *Right.*

Second thought: Where’s the keg? What kind of party is this?

Turns out I should’ve been at Carole Keeton Strayhorn’s press event blasting HB 3 at the swanky Four Seasons. When I asked Rep. Rodriguez what the deal was, he said he usually tries to reserve The Driskill but they were booked.

Via the Quorum Report:
• STRAYHORN SAYS HB3 IS MORE THAN $2.3 BILLION SHORT IN MEETING MANDATED PROPERTY TAX CUTS (10:38 AM)

• SHOCKED HOUSE MEMBERS DECRY COMPTROLLER’S CHANGE OF MIND (1 PM)

• STRAYHORN — THE NEW BUSINESS TAX LANGUAGE NEVER CAME OVER FOR REVIEW — Hamilton said he waited in office all weekend
(4:36 PM)

I can’t decide which is more pitiful – the “shocked (shocked!) House members decrying the Comptroller’s change of mind” or “Hamilton waiting in his office all weekend” for the new biz tax language.

Anyway, back to the State Income Tax presser, already in progress.

“The Texas Legislature must consider a state income tax in order to provide Texas taxpayers with sustainable tax relief and adequate funding for schools, according to several statewide organizations that joined two legislators Tuesday in an effort to raise discussion of the tax alternative.”

Yes, that’s straight from the press kit’s press release. Hey – I’m a blogger – back off.

Hey, wait a minute! That’s not Rep. Rodriguez! Why have I been writing down everything his staffer’s saying?

Uh, oh. They’re looking over here. Someone just told them I’m live-blogging. Quick! Under the chair!

I’m diggin’ the banner behind them: “Great schools, fair taxes.” And, to reiterate, “great schools, fair taxes.”

All together now: “Great Schools, Fair Taxes.” Second verse, same as the first. Sing it if you know it.

Apparently most Texans pay anywhere from 10 to 40 percent of their income on property taxes. That’s outrageous! No wonder I’m so broke! (Well, that – and the fact that I have no full-time, you know, “job.” ) Apparently Texas is 46th in the nation for new home ownership.

The reason I’m prefacing each sentence with “Apparently” is because I don’t have any fact checkers, it’s almost 5PM, it’s a beautiful day, and I’m in desperate need of a drink.

Shapleigh: “State income taxes have been adopted in 43 states for a reason … for stable school funding, economic development – it’s the obvious solution.”

That it may be, Shapleigh, that it may be. However, when did Texas ever do the obvious?

Rodriguez: “Nothing can bolster the economy better than an income tax.”

Hellooo? Ever hear of the Texas Enterprise Fund? Talk about your *cash cows*. (At least, that’s what the Governor’s Office and Site Selection Magazine tell me.)

10:52 AM: I can’t believe I’m here in the Gallows again. It’s like Groundhog’s Day. They’re on Amendment #84, floor packet page #218. Thanks to Quorum Report for posting the document.

You know, the debate can be fun to watch and everything but – we all know how this turns out in the end. Republicans win, Democrats lose. No matter which mic they’re at.

Ack! Rep. Linda Harper-Brown is playing Speaker this morning. She scares me.

10:57 AM: Amendment by Rep. Elvira Reyna. Wanna start taking bets on her chances?

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