Not only do I still not have a laptop, I am now typing with the use of only one of my eyes. Yesterday I went to an ophthalmologist to have some type of cyst/stye/foreign object removed from my left lower eyelid in what was called a “routine medical procedure” if by “routine medical procedure” you mean “Clockwork Orange redux.” Unlike most of you I have perfect vision and have no need for contacts, which means that if anything even gets near my eye, I completely freak out and will defend my eye at any cost. (The last optometrist I went to now has half of an index finger.) As you can imagine, after the doctor had put down his sharp surgical instruments, I screamed AS SOON AS I CAN FEEL MY WAY OUT OF HERE I’LL HAVE YOUR LICENSE.

You’ll be happy to know that I’ve given up complaining for Lent. Starting now.

Speaking of the season of penance, I’m looking forward to tonight’s Republican presidential debate as the candidates will be forced to engage in Christ-like behavior and be nice to one another. I’ll be watching to see who takes a sip of water during the debate thereby breaking the fast. I’ll also tune in to see if both Santorum and Gingrich are sporting the ashes to prove that they went to church today. I assume that Santorum will look something like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins just to make Gingrich look bad. That, my friends, is the true meaning of Lent. Also, to reject Satan but appearances are more important.

I’ll tell you one thing. If Satan really does come after our country, there’s no man I’d rather have in office than Rick Santorum. In a speech he gave at Ave Maria University in Florida in 2008, Santorum said: ”Satan has his sights on the United States of America. This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country — the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?”

Wait. I know this one.

I have no problem with Santorum being a man of faith. It’s that he thinks he’s the ONLY man of faith. And if we don’t elect him, Satan wins.

I trust you all had a happy Presidents’ Day weekend. My sister and her family were in town and I enjoyed acting even younger than the 6-year-old triplets, like at the IMAX theater’s “Flying Monsters.” We played several games of freeze tag, which is far less challenging than stick in the mud but still teaches children that life is unfair and often those people you’re relying on to unfreeze you will save themselves first and then you’ll just be sitting there, vulnerable and afraid. We also went to SeaWorld and I cannot believe I’ve never been there before. It’s what I imagine heaven will be like. I intend to go every Saturday from now on and, perhaps, become a trainer myself but only for the parrots since I never learned to swim.

But enough about me and my dreams for the future. As you all know, the Michigan primary is heating up which means that Romney could be vulnerable. (There’s a debate tomorrow night and I intend to wear my newly acquired 3D glasses so it’s like I’m really there.) I bet some of you are thinking that Santorum could pull this off and be the eventual nominee but I’m still sticking with Romney. I bet some of you are thinking, but you’re always wrong. Remember 2008? And then I bet you’re thinking, why do I even read this blog anymore? I couldn’t agree more.

Don’t you think that Republicans will realize that Santorum’s even nuttier than Romney? Don’t get me wrong. I’d like Santorum to be the nominee so then I can vote for a real Christian. But the guy is seriously warped. Over the weekend he said that Obama adheres to some “phony” theology, “not a theology based on the Bible. A different theology.” I’m not sure what this means but I’m fairly certain it’s an insult. Like he’s adhering to a theology based on the Book of Mormon. Or Dianetics. Asked about his comments on Face the Nation (yes, that’s apparently still on), Santorum said that he “accepts the fact that the President’s a Christian” but that Obama’s skewed worldview elevates the earth above man, like his pro-environmental policies. “I’m talking about the belief that man should be in charge of the earth and should have dominion over it and should be good stewards of it,” Santorum said.

It’s been a while since I’ve read Genesis but I’m guessing that God didn’t tell Adam and Eve to RUIN HIS CREATION. What Santorum is referring to is something known as “dominionist theology,” which gives Christians a divine mandate to basically control the earth as we see fit. Which for me sounds pretty awesome but for all you non-Christians out there, I’m assuming you will now be our servants. I take my afternoon tea at 4PM sharp.

Editor’s note: No, I still don’t have a laptop but maybe I’ll get one for Ash Wednesday and then atone for my blogging during the entire Lenten season. My new staff friends at Staples have offered to pitch in on a computer for me as long as I promise to never come back.

Why no, I still don’t have a laptop, thanks for not asking. For the past week I’ve either been at Staples paying to use their computers while pocketing sharpies or glaring at the sad sacks at the library hogging the workstations even though you’re supposed to RESERVE them but apparently I’m the only LAW-ABIDING library card-holder. I’ve driven past Starbucks every morning remembering the good times of my laptop, a latte and a horribly misspelled name. I may be relegated to buying another Dell because my husband works there. Sometimes I fantacize that he works at Apple. Sometimes he fantacizes that I work.

In case you missed it (I saw it on Twitter by squinting at my cracked iPhone screen), the mega-donor behind Rick Santorum’s Super PAC, Foster Friess, told MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell that the country is too obsessed with Santorum’s views on sex given that “we have jihadist camps being set up in Latin America.” However Friess weighed in on the contraception issue. 

On this contraceptive thing, my Gosh it’s such [sic] inexpensive. You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.

Am I the only one who doesn’t get the analogy? (Trust me. I’m being dense, not coy.) Is Friess suggesting that Bayer has essentially the same lurid properties as the birth control pill? Or is he saying that placing a tablet between one’s knees discourages sex? Or is he implying something ickier? Who takes aspirin anymore anyway? When someone has a headache, they ask for Advil or Tylenol. Typically I carry both in my purse but if someone asks me I just shake my head and say no, sorry. Watching their headache get worse hurts me more than it hurts them but I must protect myself against any potential pain.

Speaking of Santorum, the oh-so-wants-to-be frontrunner, he said in an interview that as president he’ll talk about the ”dangers of contraception in this country, the whole sexual libertine idea.” He continued that sex is supposed to be within the confines of marriage for “conjugal and procreative” purposes. Libertine? Conjugal? The man is speaking Middle English.

That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen. We take any part of that out, we diminish the act. And if you can take one part out that’s not for purposes of procreation then you diminish this very special bond between men and women. And all of a sudden, it becomes deconstructed to the point where it’s simply pleasure. And that’s certainly a part of it–and it’s an important part of it, don’t get me wrong–but there’s a lot of things we do for pleasure, and this is special, and it needs to be seen as special. 

What is “special,” exactly, to Rick Santorum? And does it reduce fever and inflammation?

Editor’s note: My sister and her family are coming into town for the long weekend so this blog will remain stagnant until someone buys me a laptop.

So last night, as some of you were wasting your money on that special person who will never see you as more than a friend, I tuned into the HBO documentary The Loving Story. Typically I don’t like documentaries as they are about “real things” and “real people” but if you are one of the lucky ones who can still afford HBO, I highly recommend it. It’s the love story of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple living in Virginia in the ’50s who were arrested and convicted for the crime of being married to each other. The ACLU took on their case, which went all the way to the Supreme Court. In oral arguments the attorney representing the state claimed that interracial marriages would lead to ”incest, polygamy, and underage marriage” and that any children of interracial couples would be “victims.” (Sound familiar?) The Warren court voted unanimously in favor of the Lovings which resulted in 16 states being ordered to overturn their bans on interracial marriage. (Of course, Alabama didn’t repeal its law until 2000. I’m pretty sure it’s back on the books.)

If I traveled back in time and took my husband with me (usually I go by myself), our marriage would be illegal as he is Salvadoran and I am a Kennedy. And then if I traveled back to the present, same-sex marriage would still be illegal and Newt Gingrich would be on his fourth wife. Mildred Loving became a vocal advocate for same-sex marriage in her later years, writing:

My generation was bitterly divided over something that should have been so clear and right. The majority believed that what the judge said, that it was God’s plan to keep people apart, and that government should discriminate against people in love. But I have lived long enough now to see big changes. The older generation’s fears and prejudices have given way, and today’s young people realize that if someone loves someone, they have a right to marry.

Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the ‘wrong kind of person’ for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.

You can either be on the right side of history or the wrong side of history. Your choice. But if you’re on the wrong side, be ready to look like an asshole to your grandchildren, no matter how many savings bonds you give them.

Yes, I am still without a laptop. I woke up this morning thinking I would find one in the living room with a teddy bear holding a plush heart sitting on top of it but then I remembered that I never get anything for Valentine’s Day. On a brighter note, I have enjoyed my days away from technology, re-reading Moby Dick and The Satanic Voices, checking out the latest foreign films and playing Capture the Flag with the kids in my neighborhood. And no, I don’t care if you’re six years old. If you’ve been tagged you’re out of the game.

Now if you haven’t gotten anything for Valentine’s Day yet, don’t worry. I bet any minute now a delivery man will show up at your door with flowers. I’m just kidding. Nothing’s coming for you. But I have a valentine for everyone! Rick Perry absolutely might could seek the GOP nomination in 2016! Is anyone else’s heart fluttering? “I tell people it was by far the most exhilarating thing that I’ve ever done,” Perry told ABC News. Wait. I thought governing the great state of Texas was the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever done. Turncoat. Perry also added that the debates have nothing to do with governing. But when asked if they were at least good practice he replied, “Ya, could be.” Ya? That’s a direct quote from CNN. Not even a full ’yeah’?

And is it my imagination or is Jonathan Karl a little bit in love with Perry? Little bit.

To all you nuns out there who spent the past few days stocking up on birth control pills and dreaming of making up for all that lost time, your luck just ran out, sister. The Obama administration, genuflecting to political and papal pressure, has decided to reverse its position on mandating that religious organizations provide their employees with contraception coverage through their health insurance plans. The requirement caused an uproar among churches across the country who consider the use of birth control almost as bad as not baptizing your seventh baby the minute it comes out of the womb. What, you want your children to spend eternity in limbo? So you can see them better from purgatory?

Under Obama’s new policy, religious organizations will be able to opt out of the birth control mandate although the insurance company will still be required to offer free contraception to workers who want it. You know, like all those whores who choose to help the sick at Catholic hospitals. I don’t really feel strongly about this either way as I consider it a choice. For instance I could have chosen to work in the convent up the street—cleaning the stained glass windows, making sure the prison gates were locked at night so no novice could leave—when I was growing up but instead I basked in my religious freedoms and worked at the snack bar at my pool, receiving no benefits save for the occasional free jolly rancher. That was the beginning of the end.

Luckily Mike Huckabee has weighed in on Contraceptiongate, saying that Obama had successfully united Republicans with his proposed mandate and that “We are all Catholics now.” Seriously. Do you guys feel like Catholics now? Because as far as I know, I’m the only true Catholic on this blog. But don’t worry. I pray for your lost souls every day during my hour of quiet time. It relaxes me to know that although you all and your precious birth control will most likely be left behind, I will be enjoying the sweet nectar of the Promised Land.

Speaking of the upcoming Rapture, the miracle rice ended up partially saving my laptop. All my information on the hard drive from the last two years has been erased, it no longer recognizes the power cord meaning I have about five minutes of battery left and my keyboard is shot so I had to hook it up to an external keyboard. The good news is that it still has some grains of rice stuck in it so when the Rapture does come and I’m alone in my underground bunker with nothing but my laptop, I will have a food supply.

Editor’s Note: Yes, my laptop is now sitting in a huge bag of rice. You probably couldn’t care less about my craptop but its untimely demise has seriously curtailed my ability to blog about nothing of substance.

Rick Perry spoke at the Conservative Political Action Conference today in DC so I guess he doesn’t think Washington is that inconsequential. As Perry joked about his failed presidential campaign, it became clear that he can’t wait to launch his next one. BECAUSE THE LAST ONE WENT SO WELL. ”I had certain ideas about putting an end to this president’s failed administration,” Perry said. ”The people of Iowa and New Hampshire had a different idea.” Get it? Because he had such a pitiful showing there! On to 2016! Apparently the crowd gave him multiple standing ovations. That’s just sad. The name of Perry’s speech was “It’s Halftime in America—And We Need a Quarterback.” Or, as Giselle would say, “The president cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.”

CPAC has always been a special haven for conservative activists, where they can attend exciting sessions on “the awakening of the conservative woman” and “the liberal media’s attack on Christianity.” But this year one workshop in particular caught my eye: “Conservative Dating.” (Open only to “conservative singles.” Like Newt’s fourth wife.)

TheTeaParty.net Red Carpet Event. Learn everything from how to avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation, to whether Tea Partiers and Occupiers can share something more than a dislike for bailouts.

That sounds awesome. Except I totally don’t get it. So I looked up “Dagny Taggart” and discovered that she’s the protagonist in Atlas Shrugged. Apparently she was in love with some guy named John Galt. No, I never read it. Surprised? I still don’t get it. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? This is exactly why I need to be in that workshop. The speaker is “professional dating coach” Wayne Elise. I doubt the capabilities of anyone who has a first name as their last name.

According to his bio, he’s the founder of Charisma Arts, which “transforms regular people into superstars of interpersonal interaction.” And, ”he relaxes by driving his Vespa through Los Angeles traffic.” Who would trust this guy to find them a love interest? He drives a Vespa. To relax. What a dork. He also once worked as a street performer and comedy juggler. I’m sure he’s going to give excellent dating advice. Like how to impress the ladies by riding a unicycle while your monkey tips his red hat to collect change from bystanders.

I had a technologically challenging day yesterday. First I spilled a full glass of water on my laptop. As in most situations where I’m faced with the unfamiliar, I shrieked and started panicking. I tried soaking the water up with paper towels and when those ran out, my husband’s jacket. Next I ran outside holding my laptop over my head screaming for help and shaking it furiously to get the excess water out and then left it in the sun to “dry out.” Unbeknownst to me, I was doing EVERYTHING THAT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. Apparently you’re supposed to immediately turn everything off, remove the battery and hard drive, stick the laptop in a bag of rice and wait 48 hours before you try booting up again. According to the Geek Squad at Best Buy. I think those dorks were laughing at me when I left the store.

So now I’m working at an undisclosed location (hint: you have to give a donation to the Romney campaign at the door) and hoping I don’t run into anyone I know because clearly I’m much better than this. Actually, truth be told, I’m beginning to feel a certain kinship with the staff here. I just said, Hey guys! Starbucks run! but none of them even looked up. I asked the guy in “briefcases and planners” where the gang was going for lunch today but he responded, I’m sorry, do you work here? I love it!

Oh. I also dropped my iPhone yesterday. The screen is now completely shattered. This is the third time this has happened to me. Notice that it has happened to me and not that I caused it to happen. Needless to say, blogging will be a little tough for me over the next couple of days as I wait to see if the miracle rice can save my laptop or if I’ll have to ask all of you to pitch in and buy me a new one. I hate to do that but let’s be honest, you owe me.

In case you missed it, Rick Santorum won all three primaries last night—Minnesota, Missouri, even Colorado. Impressive. What’s even more impressive is that he won on a day that the California ban on same-sex marriage was ruled unconstitutional. As you know, Santorum isn’t the biggest fan of The Gays but on Tuesday, he had to share the spotlight with them. Nice.

Rick Perry resurfaced in Round Rock last night to speak at a fundraiser for the Williamson County GOP. (You remember Perry. He once ran for president.) I can only assume it took place at one of the 17 Macaroni Grills there. Perry promised that he wouldn’t be “slipping off into the sunset” or “riding off into the West” or [insert stupid cowboy metaphor here]. Despite the fact that Perry embarrassed the state by deluding himself into thinking he had a chance, Perry said he doesn’t regret a thing. Only we do.

“Aggies have a really interesting way of admitting defeat,” Perry told the crowd. “We’ve never been outscored. We just ran out of time. And the fact is, I’m really not used to running out of time, but I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world.” I agree. Not admitting defeat is a really interesting way of admitting defeat. As in, I would’ve won if only I’d had more time so really it was the fundamental structure of the universe that is at fault.

Perry returned to Texas a damaged politician. In a poll commissioned by the American-Statesman and other Texas newspapers just days after he left the presidential race, almost 1 in 3 Texas Republicans said Perry’s performance on the national stage had dimmed their view of the governor, and 40 percent said he should not seek re-election in 2014. The poll found Perry’s job approval among all respondents, regardless of their party affiliation, at 40 percent.

Good grief. The man’s more unpopular than the Komen foundation. In an earlier interview yesterday, Perry acknowledged that “looking back now, we would have gotten into this race substantially sooner.” That just means you would have been out sooner. But don’t worry. Perry says that he still has “plenty of fight left in this old 61-year-old body.” Whatever, Rocky.

Tonight there are three primaries for the price of one: Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Since I’ve only lived in one of those states, I care nothing for the other two. Look for Romney to win Colorado and Missouri, Santorum to win Minnesota and Gingrich’s head to explode.

I watched the Super Bowl last night, cheering on the Patriots to show allegiance to my father and my extended family (Eileen Kennedy Smith). Not that I’m a fan of Tom Brady despite his movie star looks and a smile that lights up a damn room. Every time he messed up I screamed WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE ANOTHER PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND FOR A SUPERMODEL. To get into the football spirit, I also decided to forgo my usual California pinot for a beer. I don’t know how you guys drink that crap. And then there were the commercials. My favorite one was where Clint Eastwood teaches Elton John how to fetch Budweisers for naked models smeared in body paint and pixie dust before driving off in a Kia. But really I was waiting for the halftime show. And I, for one, was not disappointed. Madonna’s in her fifties, people. If I could look half as good as Madonna when I’m in my 50′s, I’ll be like the hottest one out of all my friends. Again. OMG!

When the official trailer for The Hunger Games came on, I yelled at my husband to be quiet even though he wasn’t even talking (for dramatic effect) and held my breath (also for dramatic effect). For those of you unfamiliar with this trilogy, it’s about a post-apocalyptic world where every year teens must compete in a televised battle for survival. Only one will come out alive. In other words, The Bachelor but less terrifying. If these books are truly “young adult” novels, you tell me why my book club just read it and discussed it at length while enjoying a flourless chocolate torte with the mockingjay logo on it.

I have this fantasy that the Republican primary will end with its own version of Hunger Games. Gingrich wouldn’t survive in the arena for five minutes, as he has no discernible skills. Plus everyone would want to kill him first. I can see Romney with a bow and arrow and Paul climbing to the tops of trees. Santorum might be OK with a spear or throwing axe. Perhaps Santorum and Paul would form an alliance or maybe they would end up falling in love, at least for the cameras. But I think Romney would emerge victorious. He plays dirty and would no doubt have the most corporate sponsors.

I agree with Mitt Romney. I’m not terribly concerned about poor people either. Bunch of whiners. I mean, get a job. There are plenty of them out there. For example, yesterday I was at Starbucks and there was only one barista there and a bunch of people waiting and I almost jumped over the counter and said I’LL MAKE MY OWN DAMN LATTE. Come to think of it, I would probably make a pretty good barista, as long as customers didn’t mind me taking the first sip out of their drinks so I could make sure they were just right. And then we’d probably laugh and talk and make fun of poor people who can’t afford a decent cappuccino.

In an interview on CNN, Romney said this:

I’m not concerned about the very poor – we have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it.You can choose where to focus, you can focus on the rich, that’s not my focus. You can focus on the very poor, that’s not my focus. My focus is on middle income Americans, retirees living on Social Security, people who can’t find work.

What’s so bad about that? It’s what we’re all thinking. The poor already have it all! The kids get free breakfasts! They have free healthcare! Sometimes they can even buy food! And who wouldn’t want to live in their car? It’s like camping every night!

While I was watching the Florida returns last night on CNN/MSNBC/FOX/TNT/TBS, I was missing War Games on AMC. (Goddammit, I’d piss on a spark plug if I thought it’d do any good!) The movie came out in 1983 at the height of my fear that it was just a matter of time before we would all be blown away by nukes and I’d be left in some sort of radiation wasteland with Jason Robards. The film’s premise is an apt description of the Republican primary: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Incidentally Romney won the game last night by 14 points but you wouldn’t have known it from Gingrich’s speech. Good God. He didn’t even congratulate him. We all know you hate him but it’s customary to congratulate the winner through gritted teeth. He could at least apologize for upping the ante on Romney taking kosher food away from nursing home residents to Romney forcing SURVIVORS OF THE HOLOCAUST to eat non-kosher.

The robo-call: “As governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney vetoed a bill paying for kosher foods for our seniors in nursing home — Holocaust survivors, who for the first time were forced to eat non-kosher because Romney thought $5 was too much to pay for our grandparents to eat kosher. Where is Mitt Romney’s compassion for our seniors? Paid for by Newt 2012.”

That is some seriously sick stuff. Even coming from a seriously sick man like Newt Gingrich. Almost makes me pine for the good old days of the 2008 campaign. Speaking of which, the trailer for HBO’s Game Change is out. You have no idea how excited I am for this movie. (Well, now you have some idea.) Julianne Moore is a dead ringer for Sarah Palin and Ed Harris makes a pretty good John McCain.

If you’re looking forward to Game Change 2012, something they’re apparently already working on, Gingrich says he wants Brad Pitt to play him. Good luck with that. I’ve been wanting Angelina to play me in the story of my life (TBD wide release) but my producers have repeatedly told me that Betty White is more realistic.

Apparently Gingrich has been using the song “Eye of the Tiger” at his campaign rallies and Survivor is not happy. They’ve even filed a lawsuit for him to cease and desist and for unspecified damages. (Incidentally this was always my favorite Survivor song although “High on You” was a close second.) As someone who’s a huge fan of Rocky (and boxing in general), I find this inexcusable. Gingrich is way more like Paulie than Rocky. Can you imagine Apollo trying to train Gingrich? Can you imagine Gingrich in short shorts and tube socks racing Apollo on the beach and then frolicking in the ocean in a warm heterosexual embrace? Gross.

I can appreciate the sentiment of being an underdog and using “Eye of the Tiger” as your personal ballad. I walk around with the song in my head on most days and, at times, mutter under my breath, Eye of the Tiger, Eileen, Eye of the Tiger. And then I end my day with a round of shadow boxing at home. But Gingrich has no right to use this song for his own nefarious purposes and ruin it for the rest of us. Watch out for the knockout punch tonight, Newt.

Well, crap. Under orders from the Vatican, the Catholic church is telling parishioners that they should oppose the president over contraceptive services. We’ve been here before but this is an ELECTION YEAR. However church leaders have made it very clear that Catholics who vote for Obama might as well be Methodists.

The Obama administration is now requiring faith-based hospitals, charities and schools to provide birth control and reproductive services in employee health insurance plans. (Schools? How is that possible? At St. John’s the only thing you could get from the school nurse was a band-aid and even then she’d call you a slut, for good measure.) Obviously the church had lobbied against these new mandates since the only birth control they believe in is marriage. OMG!

Letters concerning the troublesome mandates were read in congregations across the country yesterday, causing an uproar among Catholics, the likes of which have not been seen since The Passion of the Christ was shut out of the Screen Actors Guild awards.

If the church thinks they’re going to tell me how to vote, they’re even crazier than I thought they were. I suppose they’d rather I vote for fellow “Catholic” Newt Gingrich. And, may I just say that if I hear one more person describe Callista Gingrich as a “devout Catholic,” I’m going to lose it. Last I checked devout Catholics don’t engage in affairs with married men. PLAYING THE FRENCH HORN IN CHURCH DOES NOT EXCUSE THAT.

So I’m back from Florida where I single-handedly demolished Newt Gingrich’s campaign. Don’t ask me how. You don’t want to know. Suffice it to say, the latest poll shows Romney leading by 20 points. That gives Newt less than 24 hours to turn things around with his BIG FAT GRANDIOSE IDEAS. I was feeling pretty confident that Romney would win until I read this shocking news.

At his first rally of the morning, Newt Gingrich rolled out a new attack line: Mitt Romney took kosher food away from elderly Jewish people.

“He eliminated serving kosher food for elderly Jewish residents under Medicare,” Gingrich said. “I did not know this; it just came out yesterday.”

First, why is Romney trying to take food out of the mouths of the chosen people? Second, does the early bird special even come in kosher? And third, as a Catholic, Newt should know that we don’t believe in kosher food. We believe in fasting and drinking. I’ve never understood what keeping kosher means. Apparently it has something to do with how food is prepared and eaten and blessed and how the animals are slaughtered. Gross.

Apparently as governor Romney rejected $600,000 in additional funding for Jewish nursing home residents to get kosher meals. Brooklyn state Assemblyman and Orthodox Jew Dov Hikind, who supports Gingrich, was outraged. “Well, ‘let them eat pork or let them eat something else’ — if you’re kosher, you’re not eating anything else. It’s just that simple. People who are kosher — it’s not a choice they have.” Oh, please. Being gay isn’t a choice. Being kosher? Choice. When I’m an old woman and wearing purple, I’m not going to bitch about my food. I’m going to bitch about the fact that I’m old.

Only 20 percent of Jews keep kosher anyway. This is the lamest attack I’ve heard yet, just another opportunity for Newt to show Jewish voters how much Romney wants to destroy them and their homeland. Oy vey, Mormons! Ez men est khazer zol rinen ariber der bord. (Yiddish. Look it up. I did.)

Although I’m still forcing myself to watch the Republican debates, I’m becoming less and less interested as the candidates keep disappearing. I find it depressing that there’s always one less podium and we’re supposed to JUST PRETEND that everything’s normal. Like the person never existed. Now I’m not nearly as attentive as I once was. Instead of inviting people over to watch me scream at the TV and blast out misspelled tweets, I sit there alone, looking up occasionally from my crossword puzzle and sighing.

But last night a new word, courtesy of Mitt Romney, caught my attention: Self-deportation. As in, to deport oneself. It’s brilliant. It puts the onus on those illegals to turn themselves in. When asked last night whether the federal government should be in the business of rounding up undocumented immigrants and deporting them, Romney said he instead favors “self-deportation…which is people decide they can do better by going home because they can’t find work here because they don’t have legal documentation to allow them to work here.” He added that if employers crack down on hiring undocumented workers, then immigrants will leave because they can’t find work. In other news 80 percent of Americans just left the country for their ancestral homelands. (My relatives and I will be sharing an apartment above a pub in County Cork, Ireland.)

Actually self-deportation has been tried before. Under the Bush administration, undocumented immigrants were given up to 90 days to leave the country on their own volition which produced all of eight volunteers.

In order to shed some light on who undocumented workers are, Fox News has put together a celebrity slide show. I believe every single one of these criminals should leave the country immediately, especially Salma Hayek, for Fools Rush In alone.

In the interest of self reporting, Romney has finally released his long-awaited tax returns. Over the years 2010 and 2011, he earned $42.5 million and paid $6.2 million in taxes. That is so unfair. Why do we keep punishing the rich? Romney’s holdings include an undisclosed amount of funds based in the Cayman Islands and, at one time, a Swiss bank account. A Swiss bank account? I thought that was the stuff of Lifetime Friday Night Flicks! Romney’s tax returns also showed that he and his wife contributed $7 million in charity over the two years, mostly to the Mormon church. Good God. So that’s what he’s been hiding. I mean, I give to the Catholic church, not with riches but with my soul. I can’t compete with $7 million.

Editor’s note: I’m off to Florida tonight and plan to pick up where Rand Paul left off, fighting for liberty by refusing a full body pat-down even if they don’t request one. I’ve rarely had issues with security checkpoints but then usually I don’t travel with my laptop. When they ask me to take my laptop out of my bag and place it directly on the conveyor belt, I will scream YOU’D LIKE THAT WOULDN’T YOU and then attempt to outrun the security guards and hide in the gift shop behind the Longhorn stuffed animals.

Now that Rick Perry’s out of the race and back in Texas—I recruited neighbors to spell out WELCOME HOME MR. GOVERNOR in my front yard so he could see it from his plane—some in the national media are calling him “damaged goods.” That’s outrageous. If anything, Perry comes back stronger than ever, a man who successfully fooled everyone into thinking he actually wanted to be president of this stupid country instead of Governor for Life of the most awesome state in the history of the universe. Why wouldn’t we reelect him?

In running for president, Perry forced us to reexamine our feelings toward him. It’s like when your high school boyfriend goes off to college and you sit around in your cheerleading uniform pining for him, jealous of all the coeds you assume are trying to steal him away from you. Sure, maybe he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend but in his absence you realize that he’s the only one you’ve got. (Obviously this is not a personal anecdote. Boys didn’t give me the time of day because they thought I was somebody’s kid sister from junior high. Even though our lockers had been next to each other since freshman year and I reintroduced myself to them every morning.)

There is talk of Perry running again in 2016 assuming Obama wins. We can’t let that happen. Everything I said about Perry on this blog was just a thinly veiled attempt at hiding my true feelings for him. The idea of sharing him with the whole country was unthinkable. They never deserved him. We’re the ones who keep voting him into office. We deserve him.

All day yesterday I was thinking some really big thoughts, like grandiose thoughts, like my brain was going to explode if I didn’t put those thoughts into words. Here’s my column in The Atlantic: The Only Culprit in Rick Perry’s Collapse is Rick Perry.

It was all over before it started. When Rick Perry bounded onto the national stage as the consummate politician who had never lost a race, he was already being feted in the media as the all-but-certain Republican nominee. He was being called the next Ronald Reagan — the next best thing to being called Jesus Christ Superstar, if not a little better. But Perry quickly became a caricature of himself.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I watched last night’s debate and yes, I watched the much-touted Nightline interview with Marianne Gingrich telling the world that her ex-husband wanted an open marriage. (How much more “open” can you get then engaging in an ongoing extramarital affair that your wife knows about? Like Eyes Wide Shut open?) So I head into the weekend with images of a Newt Gingrich threesome. Hopefully now you do too.

Rick Perry might be dropping out of the race but he will always be president of my heart. Although I had considered allowing my site to go dark in solidarity with every other traumatized blogger, I have decided to soldier on in the face of adversity.

The press conference will begin momentarily. Stay tuned.

10AM: Waiting. I remember the last Perry press conference I attended. I remember it fondly.
10:06AM: Apparently Perry’s press conference is being held in someone’s basement.
10:07AM: On the bright side, I won’t have to watch tonight’s debate.
BREAKING: Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife says he wanted an “open marriage.” As in “to swing.” There goes my breakfast.
10:10AM: Seriously. That wood paneling definitely suggests a basement.
10:12AM: And, we’re starting.
10:13AM: “I ran for president because I love America.”
10:13AM: Anita looks nauseous. I feel her pain.
10:14AM: “…a son of tenant farmers…” “former Air Force pilot”…
10:15AM: “Our country’s hurtin’” “We need bold conservative leadership to give the American people their country back.”
10:16AM: “Therefore today I am suspending my campaign and endorsing Newt Gingrich. And Newt is not perfect. But I believe in the power of redemption.”
10:18AM: “Like Sam Houston…I know when it’s time to make a strategic retreat.”
10:18AM: “As I head home I do so with the love of my life, my wife.” No word on whether they have an open marriage.
10:19AM: “The future of our country is at stake.”
Griffin has been an excellent campaign prop.
Perry is now thanking his supporters. All two of them.
10:22AM: “I felt led into the arena…I have just begun to fight.”
10:23AM: And…that’s all.

Somewhere God is weeping. You know, when God calls you, you go. You don’t quit in the middle or suspend your campaign just to endorse a swinging adulterer. You have to be all in. You have to have faith that God will vanquish your unworthy opponents. Today Perry didn’t just disappoint his tens of supporters. He disappointed God. And now God will punish all of us by returning him to Texas.

Update: My column in the Observer is up. “The End of Perry’s Short, Winding Road.”

I apologize for the late posting. I was at my daily 4-hour advanced Zumba class.

Apparently some conservatives (including Newt Gingrich) are calling for Perry to get out of the race before Saturday’s primary. As someone who has finally found meaning in life through following Perry’s campaign, I’d like to say FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST KEEP GOING. Where is God’s divine intervention when we need it? Can we start an interactive online rosary? (Yes, typically you pray the rosary for the poor lost souls in purgatory but this is an emergency. They’ll have to just wait another hundred years.) What about the last-minute mailers? What about all the time and effort you’ve put into this week’s debates? What about your promises?

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson (I’m changing my name to Eileen Eileenson) wrote today that if Perry were to drop out and endorse someone else he would be considered a “kingmaker.” Kingmaker. As if Perry’s ego isn’t big enough. The man can hardly hold his head up. It’s not like these conservatives want him to endorse Romney. They want him to throw his support to Newt. As if Newt’s ego isn’t big enough. The man has to DRAG HIS HEAD along the floor when he walks.

To endorse Romney would be to turn Perry’s message throughout the campaign into a joke. It would buy Perry no good will. He would return to Texas a joke.

Is there any other way?