Why, it’s just what I always wanted! I was going to ask for an iPad or unlimited prescriptions at Walgreens but this sounds so much better! It’s the priceless gift of Christmas Future. And you can’t find it in any stores. You can only find it… in your heart.

The RNC has sent out a Christmas fundraising letter because, after all, that’s the reason for the season, asking for contributions in order to protect America and future generations. Which means that somewhere John Boehner is crying like a baby thinking of poor children while doing absolutely nothing for them.

You know, it’s sometimes easy to take our blessings for granted. The warmth we feel when we see joy in our children’s and grandchildren’s eyes on Christmas morning is one such blessing – one no American would ever trade away.

This Christmas, preserve that blessing by giving them the same gift your parents and grandparents gave you: the gift of Christmas future. By making a contribution to the Republican National Committee, you’ll be providing the resources that we need to continue to protect the America you know and love. You’ll also be ensuring that your children and grandchildren will be able to give future generations the same Christmas you’ve given them. In a time of uncertainty, that’s a gift worth giving, and one that will be cherished for years to come.

Seriously? How pissed are the kids going to be when they wake up Christmas morning only to find Michael Steele sitting under their tree? “Santa decided to donate money to the RNC in your name to preserve the future of your great-great-great-granchildren!” I have to admit, however, that this isn’t the most egregious Christmas letter I’ve ever received. At least it’s not an itemized list of someone’s child’s accomplishments over the past year. (By the way, I don’t trust any of these letters and try to verify the statements through an elaborate and painstaking fact-checking process.)

Anyway if sending out a Christmas fundraising letter is tacky, I apologize to everyone for sending this.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I’m so glad to hear how well you all are doing, based on the letters I’ve received and the adorable photo of your entire family dressed the same, kind of like a cult. Since it is the season of giving, I’m asking you to send me a check as soon as possible, as if your life depended on it, so I can ensure that your children and grandchildren will be able to give future generations the same Christmas you’ve given them. Anything you can give is fine, especially if it’s enough to get me through the next year while I’m on sabbatical writing my novel. Thank you for your continued support and for loving your country. (Oh, and yes I’m still blogging. I hope you find that funny. Smug bastards.)

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