We Wish You a Perry Christmas
So which one of you declared war on Christmas this time? I am so sick of suiting up in my steel armor and picking up my Knight’s sword to defend my God-given right to perform in a traditional one-woman living nativity scene in the front yard. And if one more person says “Happy Holidays” to me, I’m going to start pelting them with my Crate & Barrel 12 Days of Christmas ornaments.
It’s time to take up your cross and follow Rick Perry. Perry has launched a new TV ad in Iowa blasting Obama for waging a “war on religion” and promising voters that when he’s president he’ll end this war. Through bloodshed of non-Christians if necessary. And Catholics.
“I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian,” Perry says. “But you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school. As president, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion.”
That first line is classic Perry. He’s “not ashamed to admit” he’s a Christian. No shit. That’s your ENTIRE CAMPAIGN PLATFORM. As far as the children are concerned, correct me if I’m wrong but I haven’t heard of little Christian kids being rounded up and sent off to Pleasure Island, where they are turned into donkeys and sold into slavery. But I agree with him on gays in the military ruining Christmas. Although they do make a delicious mulled cider.
Hey Rick, 1994 called. They want their J-Crew Barn Jacket back.
Please click on the ad to your right. No, your other right. A million clicks puts me in the running for a new toaster.—Ed. note
December 7th, 2011 at 12:15 pm
How dare you insult the millions of Carhartt customers by saying that magnificent jacket is from J Crew? Just like a liberal elitist latte drinker to assume that anything that awesome must be from hoity – toity J Crew not the hardworking initiative of real americans. It is the uniform for all those called to fight on the side of the baby jesus in the war on christmas. It shows that Perry is one of them not some Romney bot in an italian silk suit.
Those of us on the other side are wearing “these are not talking points” T-shirts.
eileen Reply:
December 7th, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Do you know how much those are going for on eBay?
lush Reply:
December 7th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Most Carhartt wearing folks I know actually wish Rick Perry would wear J. Crew. It would be more authentic.
LegeBoy Reply:
December 7th, 2011 at 3:55 pm
Um, it’s capital A “Americans” and capital “J” “Jesus.” What a freedom hater.
December 7th, 2011 at 12:30 pm
More importantly, why are phone calls from the past always about misplaced items? Keep better track of your stuff, 1994. And why aren’t you asking for Derby winners or lottery numbers?
December 7th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
Perry pines for the days he served closetedly in the military when he said, “I was lost, spiritually and emotionally, and I didn’t know how to fix it.”
December 7th, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Just when you think this bat-shit crazy stupid idiot can’t say anything dumber than he already has, he goes off and tops himself once again.
December 7th, 2011 at 1:56 pm
WHY DOES RICK PERRY HATE CHRISTMAS?
http://governor.state.tx.us/photos/3843/#.Tt_D1gWtX-8.twitter
lush Reply:
December 7th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
BUSTED.
December 7th, 2011 at 2:00 pm
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KftFkDpSGpc/TntXKO7u3EI/AAAAAAAAEd4/JzxlhyAbors/s1600/brokebackmountain1.jpg
December 7th, 2011 at 2:02 pm
“I’m not ashamed … ”
This is Perry’s problem. He has no shame.
December 7th, 2011 at 4:58 pm
So Perry admits he doesn’t attend church on Sunday, but that’s ok, because the voices in his head tell him he doesn’t have to?
December 7th, 2011 at 5:18 pm
He doesn’t attend church on Sunday because he’s afraid the pennies will make a clinking sound when he drops them in the plate.
December 7th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
My only comment on Rick’s new pledge is as follows:
To perryphrase Joseph N. Welch, the good guy in the Army-McCarthy Hearings (long before your birth):
“Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?”
P.S. If there is any truth to the rumors about Rick this blatant attack on those “gays and lesbians serving in our military” certainly should finally end in somebody collecting that $1 million reward offered the dirty magazine guy.
December 7th, 2011 at 6:51 pm
As to your one women scene—Poor Joseph…He always seems to be forgotten…First he has to raise somebody else’s kid and then he gets no recognition for his efforts…..You would think that a liberal-minded person like you would at least give the poor guy a break and let him participate too.
Sam in Pearland Reply:
December 8th, 2011 at 4:44 am
Isn’t he the patron saint of cuckolds?