Yesterday on my way home at around 6:50PM, I realized that I had roughly 10 minutes to get to my polling place and vote in the primary run-offs. I also realized that there was no way I could make it home, pour myself some wine in a plastic cup, and make it to Maplewood Elementary on time. I started panicking. Voting or drinking…Voting or drinking.

DAMN MY SENSE OF CIVIC DUTY.

There were about five people waiting in line but I could sense that something was terribly wrong. The, er, women of a certain age but pushing 85, were struggling. The label printer was jammed, and life as we knew it stopped. A couple of voters walked in behind me, and I mouthed to them, “Save yourselves,” but either they couldn’t read lips or they were simply ignoring me.

I sighed audibly, rolling my eyes and acting like I had so many other places to be besides my living room, comatose, in front of my TV. The women were, how do I put this, completely and utterly helpless. I began to think this was deliberate voter disenfranchisement and I demanded to see the precinct captain, who was around 98 years old and kept asking me if Lawrence Welk was still alive.

Luckily, two Democratic Election Officials walked in, and, having been fully briefed on the situation, took control and began overseeing the process. But then, another glitch. A voter had NOT SIGNED the sheet. People started panicking. One of the Officials ran out to the parking lot to see if he could grab her before she drove away. I believe there is still an APB out.

The other Official looked at the rest of us as if we were in on this despicable voter fraud. I said laughing, what was he going to do, haul me off to Voter Prison?

Needless to say, he did not look amused. Finally, what seemed like hours later, I got to vote.

And that, my friends, is democracy at its finest.