Jan 31
“I’ve never been married, but I tell people that I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.”
–Elayne Boosler
When asked why I’m still single, one of my standard replies goes something like this, “I’m just waiting for the nice married men to get divorced so I can catch them on round two.”
Sure, it’s the defense mechanism of a smart-ass spinster, but it was also prophetic: I’m now the happy girlfriend of a divorced man.
Divorce is swirling around me these days. Of the three weddings in which I’ve been a bridesmaid, only one of those marriages (that of Smooch and King Coozie) hasn’t ended in a bitter divorce. I don’t know why this surprises me. The divorce rate of my peers pretty much mirrors that of the U.S. at around 45-50%. But I still kind of feel like Frank the Tank in Old School (”You mean, like a real divorce?”) when I see people my age getting divorced en masse.
I guess my naïve incredulity stems from the fact that I haven’t had firsthand personal experience with it. We all know I’ve never been married, so obviously I’ve never been divorced. My parents, bless ‘em, have been together since they were 13, got married at 19 and 20 (38 years ago), never divorced or even came close, and they are still happy together.
Even more unusual is that I grew up in a neighborhood in north Austin in the ’70s and ’80s where divorces were very much in the minority. Most of the parents of the kids I went to elementary school with are still married and are, by all accounts, pretty happy.
But that is far from the norm. My generation, as a whole, saw a lot of divorce — and it wasn’t pretty. Why are we (well, not me) getting married, then, and in droves? Marriage is no longer an unquestioned societal necessity to have sex, be financially stable, or have children. Yet we’re getting married like crazy, and our divorce stats aren’t any better than those of our folks.
How did we get here? Are we lost? We were raised by our Boomer parents to do whatever makes us happy – but do we know what that is? “Social guidelines and pathways were no longer set out in front of them, leaving many of them in a state of confusion,” Pamela Paul says of Gen Xers in her book The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony. “As a result, the search for identity has become stretched out across one’s twenties — delayed, prolonged and complicated.”
Could we Gen Xers be getting married to find ourselves, as a refuge from the overwhelming amount of choices that our parents, with the best of intentions, provided for us?
Or maybe, arrested adolescents that we are, we’re still rebelling a little bit against Mommy and Daddy? With the advent of “no-fault divorce,” we learned that marriage was disposable. Paul feels that “divorce destabilized all children in the 1970s, even those who didn’t grow up in a broken home.” In her view, Generation X is “reacting to divorce by romanticizing marriage.”
I think she’s onto something there. Marriage is “in” again because we believe that love and marriage (as opposed to the divorces of our parents’ generation) equates to happiness and stability, and everywhere we turn that message is reinforced. Problem is, we are clearly not equipped with the tools to be happily married. We know how to get what we want as individuals, but we haven’t been taught responsibility for anyone but ourselves.
In the next few posts, I’m going to attempt to examine this further, but it’s a stickier subject than I ever imagined. Asking what I felt were seemingly simple questions (such as, “Why did you get divorced?”) turned out to feel like walking on a mine field. It is not something that people really want to discuss.
That’s never really stopped me, though.
Next Installment:
Divorce is the New Black – Part Two: We Need to Talk
The trackback URL is here.
Divorce is the new black socks?
Re: 1. treehugger
Socks the cat?
watch out for those happy divorced guys, tp - you never know when they might have a flashback and suddenly snap……
http://hollahub.blogspot.com
Re: 2. whiskeydent
Cat in the hat?
Re: 3. HollaBack
Are hats the new 30?
http://www.showlushabstaining.blogspot.com
Re: 3. HollaBack
Hat trick?
/One more and I’m there.
//So, we should expect Part Two in early 2009, TP?
Re: 2. whiskeydent
Obscure reference to TP’s previous post…2005, I think.
“the search for identity has become stretched out across one’s twenties — delayed, prolonged and complicated..”
This annoys me. Boomers were criticized for growing up too fast. GenX and Y are now being criticized for growing up too slow. What’s the magic age? Would someone please come out with a chart, so everyone would get off our backs?
The fact that the divorce rate is rising could be, in part, attributed to the fact that people are more willing to get out of bad marriages than they were 20, 30, 50 years ago. The fact that marriage is “disposable” is not necessarily a bad thing, if that marriage goes south. Some of us are real glad that, when and if we get married, we can get out of it if we find out that our spouse was not the person we thought we were marrying.
It’s like the increased reports of domestic violence. Are more people beating their spouses, or are more people just finding the nerve and resources to report it?
It may be a symptom, sure, but of what?
Paul’s quotes here give me the impression that she doesn’t think GenX has the capacity to marry for the right reasons. Even though our parents sure as HELL didn’t know what the right reasons were, any more than we do. Yet just bec their divorce rates are better than ours, that must means they got it right and we won’t?
Here’s a question. What’s the new marriage rate? Wasn’t there a study somewhere that showed our generation is marrying at an older average age than our parents? Is that supposed to be a bad thing?
Re: 7. Credentials
The magic age is however old you happen to be when you find someone whose morning breath doesn’t make you gag.
My unhappily wed mother (37 years and counting) has urged me to take my time and wait until the right schmuck comes along. The only reason the divorce rate isn’t higher for boomers is because they, like my mom, stayed in unhappy marriages.
And you’re correct that we’re marrying - and procreating - at an older age than generations before us. We’re also living longer, too. Conveniently giving us more time to get out of our starter marriages and onto the seconds and thirds ….
Re: 7. Credentials
You want to get out of it if you find out that your spouse was not the person you thought when you were marrying?
I understand the major things: drugs, abuse, affairs etc. but outside of the biggies your spouse–and you– are doing to change during marriage. Hopefully for the good, but some times you might have to go through a rough spell to realize that the change was for the better.
Re: 7. Credentials
I didn’t feel that Paul was criticizing Gen Xers for growing up too slow. She was just discussing a trend.
I never said that the divorce rate is rising. In fact, I’m not sure it is (I’ll get back to you on that). I’m not trying to cast blame or make grand statements. I’m just curious about it, since I’m seeing so many of my friends going through it.
My point is that, even though marriage only has a 50/50 success rate, we’re still very eager to get married. Why is that? And why are we getting divorced? And why is it so difficult to talk about?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18600304/
According to this, divorce rates are at their lowest level since 1970.
http://www.dallasnews.com/trailblazers
Re: 10. Tickled Pink
I was actually referring to her attitude, not yours. No offense meant there. I know you’re not taking a stand here. Questions are good. Believe me, I know :)
As for Paul, if you say so. Though she chalks it up to a “state of confusion” rather than, maybe, a “state of awareness.” So, I still need to be convinced on that one, sorry.
I for one have read countless “discussions” of this trend and they all have the tone of, “What’s taking this generation so long?” Usually written by boomers. Though I don’t know what generation Paul is.
I had heard that the divorce rate used to be one in three, and its now one in two. But I read that somewhere a long time ago. Probably on a blog… ;) Or did I see it on Bridget Jones???
You did mention that our divorce rates are no better than theirs, though, which I’d say is still accurate, and that’s mainly what I was thinking about.
I guess maybe I’m curious to know if we are, in fact, eager to get married. Are we? Given the number of 30-something singles there are among us?
And I’ve noticed the trend, too - and my attitude that, well, yeah he was married last time I saw him but that was years ago, so who knows.
/I definitely saw that on Harry Met Sally. Apparently, I get all my info from pop-culture chick flicks.
That attitude comes from somewhere. Obviously I’ve gotten used to divorce among my peers as well.
Maybe it’s because we’re in our 30s (except for PL, who’s about to be drinking age ANY DAY NOW) and that’s when marriages, if they’re going to end, typically end? Just a theory.
Re: 12. Credentials
You’re right - I was apparently mistaken about our divorce stats being the same as our parents, according to that MSNBC piece. There are so many stats out there, and so many of them conflict with one another.
I do feel that people really want to get married, and that our culture romanticizes it. The bridal industry has skyrocketed in recent years. But I still see a lot of people getting divorced, and it’s so traumatic for both of them, and I wonder what happened and how we can learn from their experience.
http://www.dallasnews.com/trailblazers
Well, I suppose if we had all the answers there’d be NO divorce rate. Or no marriage rate, one.
http://www.inthepinktexas.com
Re: 9. double tonic
God I hope your father doesn’t read this blog.
Most divorced couples I know are happy, it’s the marraige that was bitter……..
/nice to see ya writing again TP :…..
//dump the divorcee, it’s an enigma wrapped in a ………..bla bla…….
Re: 11. Tickled Pink
100% of marriages end in death or divorce. Faced with those two horrid conclusions, what makes us so hell bent (three for me) to put our life, sanity and happiness on the line? We are guaranteed to have a bad outcome at some point.
Re: 12. Tickled Pink
The article suggests one reason for lower Div rates is that couples are living together rather than marrying. I think economics also plays a role. Divorce is expensive. If kids are involved, there’s child support to pay, and for the custodial parent, the burden of raising kids alone.
OTOH, we have increased mobility,( the ability and tendency to move accross the country to change jobs,) more women entering the workforce (over the last 30 years), the Internet, and as someone mentioned, we’re living longer better, all contributing to increased options for getting out of a bad marriage (and into a new one).
These two ideas seem to run counter to one another — Increased numbers for divorce, and the need or desire to be in a marriage. Which leads me to wonder, what are the rates of re-marriage for people who get divorced. (more research for your staff).
Among close friends and family, i can only think of two divorces, and both have remarried and seem to be very happy.
Some people I see view it as a status symbol. Doesn’t matter if they are happy, just so long as they have that ring. Wonderful reason for getting married.
And then there are the try and try again contingent. Seems like there are a lot of multiple divorce folk in the mix.
Re: 14. Tickled Pink
I dont disagree about the notion of romanticizing marriage - noone will argue that it hasn’t spawned a huge/lucrative industry, but I would imagine that attitudes -and results- vary greatly accross socioeconomic lines. What’s true for the pinot drinking contingent, may not be true for the power washing, malt liquor………for others….
Re: 16. Pink Lady
He prefers Pinkdome.
http://www.inthepinktexas.com
Before I got married or was even close to it, I assumed I wouldn’t get married. Too independent, too set in my ways, too worried about being tied down. (And yes, suitors weren’t exactly knocking down my door.)
But — and don’t kill me just because I’m married — in the end, I think people are looking for partners. Whether that’s marriage, or living together, or in a long-term relationship, doesn’t really matter. I didn’t need a ring on my finger. In fact, some nights when I’m out, I even leave the ring at home.
But that’s not the point. Most of my friends who are married are happy. Really. Sure, no one knows what’s going to happen, your spouse may turn into a crazy pharmaceutical-addicted blogger. But that’s what commitment is.
When I was living in Colorado, I was visiting a friend in Aspen who was living in a cabin in the mountains that was connected to another cabin by a pathway. That’s where his landlady lived, a 10-minute walk away. When her husband was alive, he lived in one cabin, she lived in another. Not to say they didn’t spend time together, they just respected each other’s boundaries.
It takes all kinds.
Re: 22. MajorMajor
From what I’ve read, that’s true. Divorce rates seem to be lower among the college educated.
As for attitudes, all I can attest to is what I’ve witnessed. But as I’ve said in my previous posts, I get a lot of pity, incredulousness, and concern about my never-married status at 33. Divorce almost seems more “normal” than never being married at all.
Re: 24. Pink Lady
I like the idea of living next door to my husband. Frida Kahlo did that with Diego Rivera. At a minimum, I think I’d need my own bathroom.
Re: 26. Tickled Pink
If I ever win the lottery, I won’t get divorced, but I will have my own house.
Now all I have to do is actually go buy a ticket.
http://www.dallasnews.com/trailblazers
Re: 21. treehugger
My mom, 61, college educated, financially secure, professional, just married her fourth husband.
Number one - my Daddy. HS sweethearts, married 13 years.
Number two - rebound. crazy, scary abusive man. married 15 years.
Number three came more than 10 years after number two. She never really wanted to marry again at all, but he gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t feel like arguing. Lasted two years.
Fourth one’s the charm, hopefully. They’re nuts about each other.
I was totally reading this til I got depressed halfway through. And gave up.
Re: 28. Credentials
My folks were married 50+ years but probably would have been happier divorced.
FWIW, I’m at 22+ and siblings at 30+ year marriages. Happy so far, anyway. A successful marriage is a lot of hard work and a lot about managing change.
Re: 25. Tickled Pink
you might this interesting. http://www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html
http://www.showlushabstaining.blogspot.com
My parents had two divorces apiece, so do I. Dad’s first divorce was finalized on my birthday several years before I was born. I didn’t know this until I finalized my second divorce on my birthday. As a present to myself, ya know? When I called Dad to tell him, he laughed his ass off. I did, too, when he explained why. Now we also say Happy Divorce Day to one another when he calls to wish me a happy birthday. This probably seems really tragic to some of you, but it’s truly not. Dad never remarried after the second go ’round, and I seriously doubt I will. Dad’s grown happier by the year, so I know it’s definitely not the end of the world. He’s kind of my inspiration.
Re: 29. Marie
“Aw. Is it because you’re not married?”
Re: 31. MajorMajor
Yep, saw that! Good stuff.
http://www.firstwivesworld.com
This is a great article. Divorce is not only on the rise here, it’s all over the world. Check this out:
http://www.firstwivesworld.com/relevant-news/amanda-lockhart/out-the-old
Oh and if you want to see something funny check out my friend Sarah. She is recently divorced and this is a video of her trying to open a jar now that her husband is gone. It’s too funny! LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z5Dl5NvcuY
http://www.firstwivesworld.com
If you’re still looking for “a nice married man to get divorced” so you can catch him on round two, check out Kathleen Turner’s ex-husband, real estate mogul, Jay Weiss. I work for www.firstwivesworld.com, it is an online community for women navigating through the various stages of divorce. Our expert Debbie Nigro interviewed him and he was just a darling! Check out the video on youtube here and our website.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pPEK0rhRX8
Ann Marie
http://strangenessofheather.blogspot.com
The no-fault divorce makes it easy to give up during the tough years of marriage, and I think a lot of people miss out on the plus side of the commitment thing. I struggled a lot with this during my husband’s 2.5-year downward spiral of a depression (and my subsequent alcohol binge). He kept asking me why I stayed (he stayed because he said he was too lazy to leave), and I told him it was because I expected there to be a mountain on the other side of this valley. Well, guess what? I have my mountain (and an undepressed husband), and we love each other more deeply for pulling ourselves through that mess. I’m glad I stuck with it and worked on it. I know there will be other tough times, but now I know how to better deal with those. If I’d gotten out of this marriage, I would likely have ended up in a similar situation over and over, until I developed the tools.
I think I just might be old enough now to get married.
I just stumbled on your blog…interesting reading. As a recently divorced child of divorce I have to bring up the possiblity that the shrinks have it right…we are trying to fill up the holes in our childhood relationships by trying to succeed where our parents failed…and heal the scars of that part of our lives.
Well, happy day. Some people have marital problems they can work out. How nice for you guys. (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, I guess…)
But guess what? Others have marital problems that can’t and shouldn’t be overcome. They’re allowed to leave those marriages, and shouldn’t be made to feel like they gave up too early or weren’t into the whole “commitment thing” enough to give it a shot. In fact, it’s a damn good thing they live in a world where they can do it (through no-fault divorce) without losing kids or going into bankruptcy or putting their lives on hold for longer than is absolutely necessary.
Please give me a break with that stuff. Congrats to you guys for working it out and sticking thru the “tough times” - but until you’ve walked a mile in the shoes of someone who married a fraud or whose spouse turned into a jealous control freak, you might think about toning down the holier-than-thou speeches just a little bit and respecting the fact that while some people undoubtedly give up too soon, plenty of others stay through the “tough times” much longer than they should have - in large part, i’m certain, because they’d been raised to think they have to or they’ll end up dying alone.
And yeah, that probably comes off as supremely bitchy, and I don’t mean to belittle the people who honestly worked on it and saved their marriages. But it’s dangerous and insulting to take a position against an “easy” divorce process that - while you personally may be happy you didn’t avail yourself of it - is a lifesaver for many, many people.
http://www.showlushabstaining.blogspot.com
Re: 39. Lurkette
Amen, Sista.
http://www.dallasnews.com/trailblazers
Re: 3. Art Vandelay
Wait, Art Vandelay? Of the Manhattan Vandelays? Of Vandelay Enterprises? You guys make great condoms…
Re: 24. Pink Lady
i have to say i agree 100%. i think the vast majority of humans (as a species) are social creatures. we thrive in communities, large and small, and our society is such that the most convenient and safest communities exist in the confines of coupling (whether this is good or bad is a moot point).
i also think that one of the reasons for the higher divorce rate among boomers and later generations (over say the WWI generation) is that we’re too obsessed with qualifying and dissecting our happiness (what it means, what it is, is it enough, etc) to just BE happy. sometimes it’s a conscious decision you have to make, and it’s harder than it sounds, especially for smart people.