So Karl Rove is now writing a column for Newsweek. Just when I thought Newsweek couldn’t stoop any lower than “My Turn.” (This week’s entry: “I Was a Teenage Beauty Queen–My past used to be a source of shame. Out in the real world, I realized just how much it taught me.”) Hooray for citizen journalism!

Rove’s debut column is all about… how to beat Hillary. Way to differentiate yourself from the crowd.

“[Hillary] tends to be, well, hard and brittle…she is tough, persistent and forgets nothing. In other words, she’s me in drag.”

Here are Rove’s suggestions on how the Republican nominee can beat Hillary, the likely Democratic nominee.

1. Plan to introduce yourself again after winning the nomination. Everyone knows who Hillary is. Nobody knows who you are. Unless you’re Rudy Giuliani. So if you win and you’re not Rudy Giuliani, pretend you are.
2. Say what you believe, unless it won’t go over well with the voters. Plan B is to say what you think they want you to believe. This is called, “fooling the stupid people.”
3. Tackle family issues. Pretend you care about children and, under no circumstances should you talk about how delicious they are. Especially the poor ones.
4. Go after voters who aren’t traditional Republicans, like blacks, Hispanics, bloggers, women, gays, and Episcopalians. Just kidding about the Episcopalians.
5. Be strong on the war in Iraq. Say that you support the troops in every town hall meeting. Don’t forget your American flag lapel pin. Fabricate some sort of military background. The National Guard is always a safe bet.

Here’s my advice on how Hillary can beat the Republican nominee.

1. Campaign with Donna Hanover and Rudy’s two children.