Austinite Lynne Smith (no relation) has completed her English Channel crossing in a record 9 hours and 50 minutes. This is the fastest crossing by a solo swimmer this year. “She was tickled pink,” said her brother Brad Smith (relation). “She would have been happy with 12 hours.” Show-off.

Just to clarify, this was not Tickled Pink who swam the English Channel. She refuses to wear a swim cap or goggles unless she’s going out on a date.

This story reminds me of when I was a little girl, attempting to pass my first swim test at Highlands Swim Club in McLean. In order to win the coveted patch to gain access to the non-peed-in adult pool, you had to swim across the pool, float on your back for one minute and tread water for one minute.

I never did pass the test, getting about halfway through the link only to desperately cling to the lane line, embarrassing my family. Since I didn’t have a flashy patch to safety pin on my neon tankini, I had to age out before being allowed in the big pool with the higher slide, the diving boards and… people my own age.

This is a sore spot for me, as many of my friends worked as lifeguards, getting tan and twirling their whistles around their fingers. They flirted with the boys at their station while toddlers in the baby pool flailed around frantically making distress signals. I was relegated to the snack bar where I spent my afternoons heating up microwave cheese pizzas. I tried to twirl a whistle myself while handing out Marathon bars and jolly ranchers to fat kids but I looked ridiculous.

Now you know my deepest darkest secret. I can’t swim. Even when I drive, I wear water wings and a nose plug in the event that I find myself in a lake.