John Edwards will be holding a press conference later today to announce that he will suspend his presidential campaign due to his wife’s health. Elizabeth Edwards was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004, but went into remission. More on this later. But this sucks.

**Update: I attempted to watch the press conference online, but when you watch something online you hear about every fifth sentence, held hostage by the constant buffering. It looks like the Edwards campaign will go on, despite the return of Elizabeth Edwards’ cancer, which has spread to her ribs. Whether this will actually happen or not is beside the point, as is speculating about his political future. Right now, Edwards is doing the right thing by suspending his campaign.

“You can go cower in the corner and hide or you can go out there and stand up for what you believe in,” John Edwards said. “We have no intentions of cowering in the corner.”

Al Gore provided emotional testimony to both the House and Senate panels concerning global warming and climate change, making sure to place his Oscar on the table in front of him and offering free signed copies of his documentary.

Gore warned of a “true planetary emergency” that we haven’t seen the likes of since “V: The Visitors” if Congress fails to adopt new environmental policies. And then he lit up a big fat doobie.

But not all Republicans were convinced. Like the Texas delegation.

“You’re not just off a little, you’re totally wrong,” said Texas Rep. Joe Barton, challenging Gore’s conclusion that carbon dioxide emissions cause rising global temperatures. “Global warming science is uneven and evolving, or my name isn’t Joe Dumbass Barton.”

But Gore insisted that the link between carbon dioxide emissions and global warming is common knowledge in the scientific community.

“The planet has a fever,” Gore said. “If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says you need to intervene here, you don’t say, ‘Well, I read a science fiction novel that told me it’s not a problem.’ If the crib’s on fire, you don’t speculate that the baby is flame retardant. You take action.”

Barton retorted that babies don’t have fevers since global warming doesn’t exist. They do, however, catch colds.

By TJ Shroat

“Yar! Ye magical Camera of Digitalium is cursed!” So sayeth the soon-to-be-arrested idiots who broke into the home of Austin video game impresario Richard “Lord British” Garriott back on February 1. The savvy heisters pulled off their caper with only one small hitch. They left behind a digital camera with several photos of themselves in the act. On Monday, several national news outlets ran the photos, including CNN Headline News. Oops. On the plus side, none of the photos featured Eileen or Andy Brown, thus keeping alive the larcenists’ presidential aspirations.

The thieves (1 gnome, 1 halfling, 2 half-elves, all nerds) absconded with $5,000 of wine and liquor (never sicker), several crushed velvet kingly robes and a +3 broadsword. Garriott, best known as the developer of the Ultima series of computer role playing games, has been the victim of burglars in the past. His home, laden with trapdoors, hidden spaces and secret passages, was featured on the HGTV show Secret Spaces. Is it any wonder that a party of adventurers would mount a quest seeking treasures there?

Oh come on. Asking for it.

My own home is filled with wondrous possessions, but I defy any robbers to burgle TJ “Margrave Kentuckian” Shroat. The fantabulous funtastical Fortress of Shroatitude (v2.0012) contains a vast array of defensive measures. Here are just a few of the non-secret protections:

• Pungi sticks. You can never have too many. For a fun twist, I smear them with a friend’s excrement instead of my own. March and April feature Smoochrement.
• A hedge maze based on a maze found on the children’s placemat from the International House of Pancakes (known as IHOP in home defense circles). Very difficult to navigate.
• Scary topiaries.
• A Rube Goldberg contraption that culminates with an effigy of me giving the pilferer a “tsk-tsk finger scrape.”
• Mirrors (narcissist housebreakers only).
• The ghost of beloved dead dog Eli. Two words: Phantom humping. “The barking is coming from inside the house.”
• Space-based lasers to zap ne’er-do-wells from orbit. I’ve been assured by defense contractors that even if the lasers fail to work, they will go back and alter the data to make it look as if they did work.
• Brochures for Big Brothers Big Sisters of America to make the burglars feel guilty about their choices in life and to show them that there’s a better way.
• Jedi.
• Jigsaw puzzles that are 60% completed to challenge and occupy thieves. The rub: each puzzle is missing several key pieces and thus, can never be completed. Take that, criminals!
• The Buddhist practice of the Middle Way, which frees me from attachment to my material possessions.
• Mild agoraphobia means that I’m almost always home. I have the high-pitched scream of a little girl that can be heard miles away.
• I live next door to Gladys Kravitz (Sandra Gould version). She always keeps an eye out.
• I live in a state with the death penalty, the most effective known deterrent to crime.

This morning, the House Appropriations Committee approved a proposed $150 billion budget for the next two years, with the majority of money going toward public education, health and human services, and beautiful Pampa, Texas. The bill will head to the House floor most likely next week, barring any unforeseen circumstances such as an executive order from the Governor.

“We passed a good budget,” said Chairman Chisum. “We’re proud of what we did.” And why shouldn’t they be? Here are just a few riders that were slipped into the bill before final passage:

• Sending all TYC residents directly to TDCJ to avoid any more embarrassment over rampant sexual abuse.
• Mandating chastity belts for all sixth-grade girls.
• Random checks for proof of citizenship for all Hispanic legislators.
• Requiring that all frozen embryos in the state of Texas to be moved to a secure airtight location in the Capitol extension.
• Revoking press credentials from Capitol press corps and imprisoning all bloggers for an indefinite period of time.

They must take us all for fools.

President Bush Tuesday announced that he would make Karl Rove and other top aides available for private interviews concerning the U.S. attorney firings with one minor condition: they don’t have to testify under oath. Also, the interviews can’t be transcribed. And finally, the aides will be allowed to heckle congressional Democrats with phrases such as, “Hey, Sen. Schumer, your mother left her panties at my house again.” Or “Patrick Leahy, these are not talking points.” (These phrases could be used interchangeably between Rove and Harriet Miers.)

Congressional Democrats are understandably outraged (their default position), and plan to issue subpoenas today to compel the aides to testify. But the president has said that he will take this to the courts to prevent aides from giving public testimony. He’s even willing to barter with Congress: no public testimony and I’ll give you Alberto Gonzales.

“It will be regrettable if they choose to head down the partisan road of issuing subpoenas and demanding show trials when I have agreed to make key White House officials and documents available,” Bush told reporters. “What more do they want? The truth?”

Bush also expressed concern about setting “precedents that would make it difficult for somebody to walk into the Oval Office and say, ‘Mr. President, listen to this cover-up idea. We let Scooter take the fall.’ ”

So let me get this straight. A sitting president was forced to testify under oath about a blow job, but White House aides get a free pass. I guess it depends on what the definition of ‘truth’ is.

Only one of these men is Senator John McCain. Can you pick which one? It’s about time we had an undead president.

Rep. Warren Chisum, the chairman of the Appropriations Committee, cares a lot about healthy marriages. In fact, he’s willing to put aside $100 million for programs, advertising campaigns, counseling and how to keep your sex life exciting with sex toys and threesomes.

“If we don’t start addressing marriages and keeping families together, then we’re never going to be able to fund the social costs in this state of divorced families and separations and that sort of thing,” Chisum said. “If we’d spend more money on the front end, there’d be less money to spend on the back end.”

Wait. I thought the back end was already illegal in Texas.

Looks like SOMEBODY hasn’t been listening to Rep. Charlie Howard.

The director of the National Institutes of Health told a Senate panel Monday that he supports federal funding of embryonic stem cell research, which means he also supports illegal embryo trafficking, designer babies, half-off embryo sales at Target, and the destruction of all remaining Cabbage Patch preemies.

“From my standpoint, it is clear today that American science will be better-served, and the nation will be better-served, if we let our scientists have access to more stem cell lines,” said NIH Director Elias ‘Frankenstein’ Zerhouni.

Embryonic stem cells can be grown into any type of cell in the body, and could eventually result in cures for chronic illnesses such as Parkinson’s disease, diabetes, spinal cord injuries, and Alzheimer’s. However, researchers can only produce embryonic stem cells through the destruction of embryos, which are usually discarded in fertility clinics not, you know, ADOPTED.

In 2006, President Bush vetoed legislation to allow federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, focusing his interests instead on helping Iraq implode.

President George Bush reaffirmed his “strong backing” for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in a phone call Tuesday, while the White House searched for replacements.

When Bush publicly expresses his support for an embattled member of his cabinet, you can be pretty sure that you’ve only got days, maybe hours, before you’re given the Rumsfeld treatment. According to White House sources (aka ‘President Bush’), the administration (aka ‘Dick Cheney’) has been floating names of possible replacements.

After telling the Capitol Press Corps to “OHMYGOD, Zip it already!,” here’s what spokesman Tony Snow had to say about whether Gonzales would finish his term: “We hope so. None of us knows what’s going to happen to us over the next 21 months.”

Or 21 hours. I’m thinking Al walks the plank late Friday.

This story kind of reminds me of when I had a cabbage patch preemie doll as a young girl (yes, a PREEMIE – those were in high demand) and she came with adoption papers. But this bill is definitely stranger.

A reader told me to check out HB 1703, which would effectively prohibit the transfer of an embryo except in an adoption proceeding. What does this mean? Hell if I know. But it’s sponsored by Sugar Land’s Charlie Howard, which can never be good.

According to the bill, the transfer of a human embryo to another person for implantation (who is not the generic parent) must be preceded by a court order authorizing the adoption of the embryo. The petition would read “In the Interest of the Embryo of [Insert Name Here].” Such as [Cabbage Patch Preemie].

The legislation also forbids ‘human embryo trafficking,’ which is defined as using in vitro fertilization for selling, buying, or transferring the embryo to a person who is not the genetic parenting. But it’s OK if the embryo is officially adopted. Or something. And, obviously, human embryo trafficking is rampant on the border.

According to the Committee report, “human embryo banks” engage in the business of creating and selling “designer babies,” while disregarding thousands of frozen embryos already in storage. In other words, let’s think of a way to ban embryonic stem cell research without actually saying embryonic stem cell research. Brilliant!

On this, the four year anniversary of the War on Terrorism in Iraq, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow was pensive and respectful during the morning’s press briefing. And by ‘pensive and respectful,’ I mean ‘acted like a mad 12-year-old or an overly defensive blogger.’

Here’s what CNN’s Ed Henry had to say about his exchange with Snow (via Think Progress):

The President will talk about what the White House is terming a recipe for defeat, the Democratic effort on Capitol Hill to attach restrictions to some of that funding for the war in Iraq, basically calling for the withdrawal of U.S. troops, at least the beginning of that withdrawal.

Snow said it would “provide victory for the enemy.” When I pressed Tony Snow, and since he’s calling flatly the Democratic plan a recipe for defeat, I asked him, four years later, what is the recipe for success? Tony Snow tried to turn it around on me … and said, well what’s your recipe for success? How do you define it?

And when I pointed out to him that that was inappropriate for me to answer that — it’s not up for me about what the recipe for success is, what is the President’s recipe for success? — Tony felt I was interrupting him and said, “Zip it.”

Two disturbing things. The fact that the White House is basically asking a reporter what he would do about the war, and the fact that Snow still thinks Dr. Evil is cool.

On Sunday morning, I settled in for my morning ritual – fresh roasted Guatemalan coffee, mini scones (bitefuls of goodness), and Tim Russert, despite his clandestine involvement in the Scooter Libby trial. But… what a way to wake up. With that toadmaster Tom DeLay smirking at the roundtable. You see, it’s the four-year anniversary of Operation Iraqi Bullsh*it, so of course we need DeLay’s expert opinion on foreign policy.

Here’s what’s happened in four years: Almost 3,200 U.S. troops killed. Over 24,000 U.S. troops wounded. Approximately 54,000 Iraqi civilian deaths. $351 billion price tag (conservative estimate).

What a perfect time for DeLay to pimp his memoir, “No Retreat, No Surrender,” in which he blames Newt Gingrich, President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Speaker Hastert, Shelley Sekula-Strayhorn-Gibbs, and local attorney Andy Brown (rim shot) for the demise of the Republican party. Let’s introduce our other roundtable speakers. Democratic Congressman Joe Sestak, retired vice admiral of the U.S. Navy; Democratic Congressman Tom Andrews, director of the ‘Win Without War’ coalition; Some neanderthal from the American Enterprise Institute. And… indicted, pug-nosed, disgraced former Majority Leader Tom DeLay.

Here was my favorite exchange:

ANDREWS: Tom, with all due respect, I think I’d be much more comfortable taking the military strategy advice of Admiral Sestak than, than Tom DeLay. And listen, you know, we in Washington love to talk about what’s in the best interest of the, the people of Iraq. We’ve been doing this for years and years. Why don’t we ask the people of Iraq what they think? If you ask the people…

DeLAY: Well, let’s ask what’s in the best interest of the American people.

ANDREWS: Well, ask the people–let’s ask–let’s ask the people of Iraq, OK?

DeLAY: No, let’s ask the American people.

ANDREWS: What is–let’s ask them first, OK? Because listen, they’re the ones that have the most at stake. They’re the ones that have the most at stake.

DeLAY: I’m more interested in the American people.

Yeah, screw those Iraqi civilians. We all know those women and children were responsible for 9/11.

Beware SXSW.

Good God – I tried to venture out downtown for lunch and was caught up in a traffic jam reminiscent of driving to the Delaware coast for 4th of July weekend. And all around me, terrible bands and people not from here wandering around drinking (domestic) beer and smoking (illegal substances). Hate.

Leave the comfort of your home or office at your own peril.

The Statesman’s Gardner Selby Thursday profiles Rep. Sylvester Turner aide Alison Brock, who basically cracked the TYC scandal because she never gave up. She sounded the alarm bells after learning of the rampant sexual abuse taking place in these facilities. She contacted people responsible for the investigation. She acquired reports from the Texas Rangers. I know Alison likes to stay under the radar but I think it’s time someone gives her a freaking medal.

Brock, Turner said, “spurred people to start asking questions and exercising more oversight, doing things we probably should have been doing anyway. She helped shine the light on problems. . . . People couldn’t continue to focus as if they didn’t know.”

Brock’s not interested in being cast as a Hollywood-ready heroine. She suggests instead that Texans keep in mind the state’s captive populations: adult prisoners, nursing home residents, foster children, residents of TYC facilities.

“Here’s the rub with all of this, with these institutions: If we don’t ask, then at some level, we’re culpable. I just made a couple of phone calls. What if we all made more phone calls up here at the Capitol? What is getting swept under the rug?

“We’re not all here to be cows in the pasture, you know?”

Thanks Alison, for doing what the leadership and Legislature failed to do. I guess they were too busy grazing in the pasture.

Consider Attorney General Al Gone-zales officially on F*cked Cabinet watch.

On Wednesday, while traveling in Mexico, President Bush said that he was “frankly not happy” about the way in which Gonzales had handled the dismissal of federal prosecutors.

“What was mishandled was the explanation of the cases to Congress,” Bush said. “And Al has got work to do up there before I accept his forced resignation.”

Although many Democrats have called for the Attorney General’s dismissal, Sen. John Sununu was the first Republican to call for his resignation. “Alberto Gonzales over the last 18 months has lost the confidence of the Congress and the American people, and he’s not in a position to serve the president effectively,” Sununu said. “In fact, it appears that no one is in a position to serve the president effectively.”

Texas Sen. John Cornyn begs to differ, and has been scribbling ‘Attorney General John Cornyn’ all over his Congressional memo pad during committee hearings.

Earlier this week, the Rev. Al Green Sharpton announced that the black community (meaning Al Sharpton) is not ready to support Sen. Barack Obama’s campaign, and that Obama was taking the black community (meaning Al Sharpton) for granted.

“Why shouldn’t the black community ask questions? Are we now being told, ‘You all just shut up?’ ” Sharpton said. As soon as Obama’s campaign staff heard this, they immediately removed “Why don’t you all in the black community just shut up?” from his future speeches.

“I’m not going to be cajoled or intimidated by any candidate, not for my support,” Sharpton added. Yes, every Democratic candidate is holding their breath to see who Al Sharpton will endorse. Because they don’t want it to be them. I mean, a Democrat being endorsed by Sharpton is like a Republican being endorsed by Ted Haggard.

An article in the New York Post suggested that Sharpton is just jealous of the extremely popular Senator. In response, Sharpton said that the story was planted by Obama operatives and if they really cared about the black community, they would have planted the story in Ebony magazine.

“It’s important to point out, they started this,” Sharpton said. “I mean, I wake up yesterday morning with no warning and [read] ‘Is he jealous because he won’t endorse?’ I’ve never heard anything like that in my life in politics. That sh*it’s crazier than my last presidential run.”

In an exclusive interview with Texas Monthly’s Evan Smith (no relation), Governor Rick Perry talks about TYC, TXU, HPV and other assorted acronyms. But what of a possible VP bid?

Evan: There’s an awful lot of speculation about you and the 2008 Republican presidential ticket. Are you prepared to say today that you would foreclose on the possibility of running for vice president?

Perry: Yes, I am. Not interested. If John McCain asked me, I’d say, “I’m sorry, Senator. I respect you. I love you …” Mayor [Rudy] Giuliani: “You’re a great guy …” Mitt [Romney]: “You’re a fine governor … but you need to find somebody who has a passion to be your vice president. I don’t.” Newt Gingrich: “You’ve screwed more people than my executive orders.”

Evan: So you’ll serve out your term.

Perry: And maybe run again.

Evan: Please tell me you’re kidding.

Perry: Anita thinks I’m the best person for the job.

Evan: I’m sure Anita tells you lots of things that aren’t true.

Perry: Like what?

Evan: Like how those boots look great on you.

Perry: I hate you.

Evan: I hate you.

Attorney General Alberto ‘Speedy’ Gonzales took partial responsibility for the politically motivated firing of eight U.S. attorneys… by having his chief of staff resign. In his testimony before Congress, Gonzales said, “I acknowledge that mistakes were made here. I accept that responsibility.” Still, he thinks there was nothing improper about the dismissals. “I stand by the decision, and I think it was a right decision,” Gonzales said.

From here on out, if I’m ever backed into a corner about something I’ve done, I will simply whip out the Bush administration credo: “Mistakes were made.” Or, alternately, “Mistakes were made by TJ Shroat.”

So Chief of Staff D. Kyle ‘Scooter’ Sampson was forced to resign for making the right decision. “I was not involved in seeing any memos, was not involved in any discussions about what was going on,” Gonzales said. “That’s basically what I knew as the attorney general.”

If we wanted an attorney general who didn’t know anything, why didn’t we just keep John Ashcroft? Meanwhile, key Democrats are calling for Gonzales’s resignation, as is local attorney Andy Brown, who took these dismissals quite personally.

Gonzales has said that his resignation is “a decision for the president of the United States to make. I’m focused on doing my job.” According to White House spokesman Tony Snow, the President has confidence in Gonzales and has not made any recommendations on specific individuals.”

Dude, you are soooo fired. Call Donald Rumsfeld. He’s always up for a good game of squash.

Republican Attorney General Greg Abbott released an informal opinion Monday that Gov. Rick Perry’s executive order mandating the HPV vaccine should be considered an ‘executive suggestion,’ as in ‘something that legislators will ignore.’ You know the session’s going well when it’s built entirely on opinions, suggestions, hunches and tarot card readings.

The Governor’s office, however, remains undeterred. “Nothing that happened today is going to cause Gov. Perry to shy away from using every tool at his disposal, including myself, to lead this state,” said press secretary Robert Black.