According to Wayne “A.C.” Slater of the Dallas Morning News, the drive to move up the Texas primaries to February is getting a big push from lawmakers in the House. Changing the date is the latest fad across the country, thanks to lobbying work by Andy Brown in his continued efforts to push more people out of the primary so that he can fulfill Howard Dean’s dream to “Run Everywhere.”

Moving the primaries from February would effectively push Super Tuesday, traditionally held in March, to a new date that has been dubbed “Super-Duper Tuesday.” I wish I made that up. “Super-Duper Tuesday” will be followed by “Really-Silly” Wednesday, when political pundits across the country realize that the move has done nothing more than guarantee political TV commercials during the Christmas season.

In an interview with A.C. Slater, Democrat Rep. Helen “There are Too Many Traffic Lights in” Giddings argues that primary elections are like spectator sports, saying, “Let’s put Texas in the game, on the floor. It’s the only way we can score.” She went on to slap Slater’s ass and say, “Now get out there and win one for the skipper!”

I went out on the street to do some of those investigative reports I always see Mike “Bulldog” Rosen do on Fox 7 News here in Austin to ask people what they thought about the new date. Here are some of the sample responses I got:

• “I’m saving myself for Kinky.” - Christy McClendon, President of the Austin Purity Ball Chapter
• “I thought elections were in November.” - Chris “That Guy Stuck Buying Starbucks for the Whole Office” Matterson
• “I guess that John Edwards will have to be my valentine.” - Tickled Pink
• “What’s a primary?” - The other 90% of respondents

So, yes — as is always true about elections, no one really cares when what is. And even that minority of people that actually bother to vote don’t care — they just want to get it over and done with a lot sooner so they can get back to their normal lives. Just like a married couple’s sex life. (What?!?!)