I agree with Mitt Romney. I’m not terribly concerned about poor people either. Bunch of whiners. I mean, get a job. There are plenty of them out there. For example, yesterday I was at Starbucks and there was only one barista there and a bunch of people waiting and I almost jumped over the counter and said I’LL MAKE MY OWN DAMN LATTE. Come to think of it, I would probably make a pretty good barista, as long as customers didn’t mind me taking the first sip out of their drinks so I could make sure they were just right. And then we’d probably laugh and talk and make fun of poor people who can’t afford a decent cappuccino.

In an interview on CNN, Romney said this:

I’m not concerned about the very poor – we have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I’ll fix it.You can choose where to focus, you can focus on the rich, that’s not my focus. You can focus on the very poor, that’s not my focus. My focus is on middle income Americans, retirees living on Social Security, people who can’t find work.

What’s so bad about that? It’s what we’re all thinking. The poor already have it all! The kids get free breakfasts! They have free healthcare! Sometimes they can even buy food! And who wouldn’t want to live in their car? It’s like camping every night!

While I was watching the Florida returns last night on CNN/MSNBC/FOX/TNT/TBS, I was missing War Games on AMC. (Goddammit, I’d piss on a spark plug if I thought it’d do any good!) The movie came out in 1983 at the height of my fear that it was just a matter of time before we would all be blown away by nukes and I’d be left in some sort of radiation wasteland with Jason Robards. The film’s premise is an apt description of the Republican primary: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Incidentally Romney won the game last night by 14 points but you wouldn’t have known it from Gingrich’s speech. Good God. He didn’t even congratulate him. We all know you hate him but it’s customary to congratulate the winner through gritted teeth. He could at least apologize for upping the ante on Romney taking kosher food away from nursing home residents to Romney forcing SURVIVORS OF THE HOLOCAUST to eat non-kosher.

The robo-call: “As governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney vetoed a bill paying for kosher foods for our seniors in nursing home — Holocaust survivors, who for the first time were forced to eat non-kosher because Romney thought $5 was too much to pay for our grandparents to eat kosher. Where is Mitt Romney’s compassion for our seniors? Paid for by Newt 2012.”

That is some seriously sick stuff. Even coming from a seriously sick man like Newt Gingrich. Almost makes me pine for the good old days of the 2008 campaign. Speaking of which, the trailer for HBO’s Game Change is out. You have no idea how excited I am for this movie. (Well, now you have some idea.) Julianne Moore is a dead ringer for Sarah Palin and Ed Harris makes a pretty good John McCain.

If you’re looking forward to Game Change 2012, something they’re apparently already working on, Gingrich says he wants Brad Pitt to play him. Good luck with that. I’ve been wanting Angelina to play me in the story of my life (TBD wide release) but my producers have repeatedly told me that Betty White is more realistic.

Apparently Gingrich has been using the song “Eye of the Tiger” at his campaign rallies and Survivor is not happy. They’ve even filed a lawsuit for him to cease and desist and for unspecified damages. (Incidentally this was always my favorite Survivor song although “High on You” was a close second.) As someone who’s a huge fan of Rocky (and boxing in general), I find this inexcusable. Gingrich is way more like Paulie than Rocky. Can you imagine Apollo trying to train Gingrich? Can you imagine Gingrich in short shorts and tube socks racing Apollo on the beach and then frolicking in the ocean in a warm heterosexual embrace? Gross.

I can appreciate the sentiment of being an underdog and using “Eye of the Tiger” as your personal ballad. I walk around with the song in my head on most days and, at times, mutter under my breath, Eye of the Tiger, Eileen, Eye of the Tiger. And then I end my day with a round of shadow boxing at home. But Gingrich has no right to use this song for his own nefarious purposes and ruin it for the rest of us. Watch out for the knockout punch tonight, Newt.

Well, crap. Under orders from the Vatican, the Catholic church is telling parishioners that they should oppose the president over contraceptive services. We’ve been here before but this is an ELECTION YEAR. However church leaders have made it very clear that Catholics who vote for Obama might as well be Methodists.

The Obama administration is now requiring faith-based hospitals, charities and schools to provide birth control and reproductive services in employee health insurance plans. (Schools? How is that possible? At St. John’s the only thing you could get from the school nurse was a band-aid and even then she’d call you a slut, for good measure.) Obviously the church had lobbied against these new mandates since the only birth control they believe in is marriage. OMG!

Letters concerning the troublesome mandates were read in congregations across the country yesterday, causing an uproar among Catholics, the likes of which have not been seen since The Passion of the Christ was shut out of the Screen Actors Guild awards.

If the church thinks they’re going to tell me how to vote, they’re even crazier than I thought they were. I suppose they’d rather I vote for fellow “Catholic” Newt Gingrich. And, may I just say that if I hear one more person describe Callista Gingrich as a “devout Catholic,” I’m going to lose it. Last I checked devout Catholics don’t engage in affairs with married men. PLAYING THE FRENCH HORN IN CHURCH DOES NOT EXCUSE THAT.

So I’m back from Florida where I single-handedly demolished Newt Gingrich’s campaign. Don’t ask me how. You don’t want to know. Suffice it to say, the latest poll shows Romney leading by 20 points. That gives Newt less than 24 hours to turn things around with his BIG FAT GRANDIOSE IDEAS. I was feeling pretty confident that Romney would win until I read this shocking news.

At his first rally of the morning, Newt Gingrich rolled out a new attack line: Mitt Romney took kosher food away from elderly Jewish people.

“He eliminated serving kosher food for elderly Jewish residents under Medicare,” Gingrich said. “I did not know this; it just came out yesterday.”

First, why is Romney trying to take food out of the mouths of the chosen people? Second, does the early bird special even come in kosher? And third, as a Catholic, Newt should know that we don’t believe in kosher food. We believe in fasting and drinking. I’ve never understood what keeping kosher means. Apparently it has something to do with how food is prepared and eaten and blessed and how the animals are slaughtered. Gross.

Apparently as governor Romney rejected $600,000 in additional funding for Jewish nursing home residents to get kosher meals. Brooklyn state Assemblyman and Orthodox Jew Dov Hikind, who supports Gingrich, was outraged. “Well, ‘let them eat pork or let them eat something else’ — if you’re kosher, you’re not eating anything else. It’s just that simple. People who are kosher — it’s not a choice they have.” Oh, please. Being gay isn’t a choice. Being kosher? Choice. When I’m an old woman and wearing purple, I’m not going to bitch about my food. I’m going to bitch about the fact that I’m old.

Only 20 percent of Jews keep kosher anyway. This is the lamest attack I’ve heard yet, just another opportunity for Newt to show Jewish voters how much Romney wants to destroy them and their homeland. Oy vey, Mormons! Ez men est khazer zol rinen ariber der bord. (Yiddish. Look it up. I did.)

Although I’m still forcing myself to watch the Republican debates, I’m becoming less and less interested as the candidates keep disappearing. I find it depressing that there’s always one less podium and we’re supposed to JUST PRETEND that everything’s normal. Like the person never existed. Now I’m not nearly as attentive as I once was. Instead of inviting people over to watch me scream at the TV and blast out misspelled tweets, I sit there alone, looking up occasionally from my crossword puzzle and sighing.

But last night a new word, courtesy of Mitt Romney, caught my attention: Self-deportation. As in, to deport oneself. It’s brilliant. It puts the onus on those illegals to turn themselves in. When asked last night whether the federal government should be in the business of rounding up undocumented immigrants and deporting them, Romney said he instead favors “self-deportation…which is people decide they can do better by going home because they can’t find work here because they don’t have legal documentation to allow them to work here.” He added that if employers crack down on hiring undocumented workers, then immigrants will leave because they can’t find work. In other news 80 percent of Americans just left the country for their ancestral homelands. (My relatives and I will be sharing an apartment above a pub in County Cork, Ireland.)

Actually self-deportation has been tried before. Under the Bush administration, undocumented immigrants were given up to 90 days to leave the country on their own volition which produced all of eight volunteers.

In order to shed some light on who undocumented workers are, Fox News has put together a celebrity slide show. I believe every single one of these criminals should leave the country immediately, especially Salma Hayek, for Fools Rush In alone.

In the interest of self reporting, Romney has finally released his long-awaited tax returns. Over the years 2010 and 2011, he earned $42.5 million and paid $6.2 million in taxes. That is so unfair. Why do we keep punishing the rich? Romney’s holdings include an undisclosed amount of funds based in the Cayman Islands and, at one time, a Swiss bank account. A Swiss bank account? I thought that was the stuff of Lifetime Friday Night Flicks! Romney’s tax returns also showed that he and his wife contributed $7 million in charity over the two years, mostly to the Mormon church. Good God. So that’s what he’s been hiding. I mean, I give to the Catholic church, not with riches but with my soul. I can’t compete with $7 million.

Editor’s note: I’m off to Florida tonight and plan to pick up where Rand Paul left off, fighting for liberty by refusing a full body pat-down even if they don’t request one. I’ve rarely had issues with security checkpoints but then usually I don’t travel with my laptop. When they ask me to take my laptop out of my bag and place it directly on the conveyor belt, I will scream YOU’D LIKE THAT WOULDN’T YOU and then attempt to outrun the security guards and hide in the gift shop behind the Longhorn stuffed animals.

Now that Rick Perry’s out of the race and back in Texas—I recruited neighbors to spell out WELCOME HOME MR. GOVERNOR in my front yard so he could see it from his plane—some in the national media are calling him “damaged goods.” That’s outrageous. If anything, Perry comes back stronger than ever, a man who successfully fooled everyone into thinking he actually wanted to be president of this stupid country instead of Governor for Life of the most awesome state in the history of the universe. Why wouldn’t we reelect him?

In running for president, Perry forced us to reexamine our feelings toward him. It’s like when your high school boyfriend goes off to college and you sit around in your cheerleading uniform pining for him, jealous of all the coeds you assume are trying to steal him away from you. Sure, maybe he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend but in his absence you realize that he’s the only one you’ve got. (Obviously this is not a personal anecdote. Boys didn’t give me the time of day because they thought I was somebody’s kid sister from junior high. Even though our lockers had been next to each other since freshman year and I reintroduced myself to them every morning.)

There is talk of Perry running again in 2016 assuming Obama wins. We can’t let that happen. Everything I said about Perry on this blog was just a thinly veiled attempt at hiding my true feelings for him. The idea of sharing him with the whole country was unthinkable. They never deserved him. We’re the ones who keep voting him into office. We deserve him.

All day yesterday I was thinking some really big thoughts, like grandiose thoughts, like my brain was going to explode if I didn’t put those thoughts into words. Here’s my column in The Atlantic: The Only Culprit in Rick Perry’s Collapse is Rick Perry.

It was all over before it started. When Rick Perry bounded onto the national stage as the consummate politician who had never lost a race, he was already being feted in the media as the all-but-certain Republican nominee. He was being called the next Ronald Reagan — the next best thing to being called Jesus Christ Superstar, if not a little better. But Perry quickly became a caricature of himself.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I watched last night’s debate and yes, I watched the much-touted Nightline interview with Marianne Gingrich telling the world that her ex-husband wanted an open marriage. (How much more “open” can you get then engaging in an ongoing extramarital affair that your wife knows about? Like Eyes Wide Shut open?) So I head into the weekend with images of a Newt Gingrich threesome. Hopefully now you do too.

Rick Perry might be dropping out of the race but he will always be president of my heart. Although I had considered allowing my site to go dark in solidarity with every other traumatized blogger, I have decided to soldier on in the face of adversity.

The press conference will begin momentarily. Stay tuned.

10AM: Waiting. I remember the last Perry press conference I attended. I remember it fondly.
10:06AM: Apparently Perry’s press conference is being held in someone’s basement.
10:07AM: On the bright side, I won’t have to watch tonight’s debate.
BREAKING: Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife says he wanted an “open marriage.” As in “to swing.” There goes my breakfast.
10:10AM: Seriously. That wood paneling definitely suggests a basement.
10:12AM: And, we’re starting.
10:13AM: “I ran for president because I love America.”
10:13AM: Anita looks nauseous. I feel her pain.
10:14AM: “…a son of tenant farmers…” “former Air Force pilot”…
10:15AM: “Our country’s hurtin’” “We need bold conservative leadership to give the American people their country back.”
10:16AM: “Therefore today I am suspending my campaign and endorsing Newt Gingrich. And Newt is not perfect. But I believe in the power of redemption.”
10:18AM: “Like Sam Houston…I know when it’s time to make a strategic retreat.”
10:18AM: “As I head home I do so with the love of my life, my wife.” No word on whether they have an open marriage.
10:19AM: “The future of our country is at stake.”
Griffin has been an excellent campaign prop.
Perry is now thanking his supporters. All two of them.
10:22AM: “I felt led into the arena…I have just begun to fight.”
10:23AM: And…that’s all.

Somewhere God is weeping. You know, when God calls you, you go. You don’t quit in the middle or suspend your campaign just to endorse a swinging adulterer. You have to be all in. You have to have faith that God will vanquish your unworthy opponents. Today Perry didn’t just disappoint his tens of supporters. He disappointed God. And now God will punish all of us by returning him to Texas.

Update: My column in the Observer is up. “The End of Perry’s Short, Winding Road.”

I apologize for the late posting. I was at my daily 4-hour advanced Zumba class.

Apparently some conservatives (including Newt Gingrich) are calling for Perry to get out of the race before Saturday’s primary. As someone who has finally found meaning in life through following Perry’s campaign, I’d like to say FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST KEEP GOING. Where is God’s divine intervention when we need it? Can we start an interactive online rosary? (Yes, typically you pray the rosary for the poor lost souls in purgatory but this is an emergency. They’ll have to just wait another hundred years.) What about the last-minute mailers? What about all the time and effort you’ve put into this week’s debates? What about your promises?

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson (I’m changing my name to Eileen Eileenson) wrote today that if Perry were to drop out and endorse someone else he would be considered a “kingmaker.” Kingmaker. As if Perry’s ego isn’t big enough. The man can hardly hold his head up. It’s not like these conservatives want him to endorse Romney. They want him to throw his support to Newt. As if Newt’s ego isn’t big enough. The man has to DRAG HIS HEAD along the floor when he walks.

To endorse Romney would be to turn Perry’s message throughout the campaign into a joke. It would buy Perry no good will. He would return to Texas a joke.

Is there any other way?

Last night’s debate took place in Myrtle Beach, SC, a destination known more for Girls Gone Wild skanks than for Republican presidential candidates but at least scantily clad college students doing body shots off each other have some sense of decency. I tuned in mostly to see how Perry would perform in what is sure to be his second to last debate. (You can read my IN DEPTH analysis over at the Observer.) I wasn’t disappointed. He was in rare form and by “rare” I mean he “had a pulse.” Of course it doesn’t matter what kind of night he had since according to FiveThirtyEight projections, he has a 0% chance of winning Saturday’s primary. Zero percent. You’d think they could have at least given him a half percent so as not to completely humiliate him.

But it was Newt Gingrich who really stole the show with his hilarious racist commentary.

JUAN WILLIAMS: Speaker Gingrich, you recently said black Americans should demand jobs, not food stamps. You also said poor kids lack a strong work ethic and proposed having them work as janitors in their schools. Can’t you see that this is viewed, at a minimum, as insulting to all Americans, but particularly to black Americans?

GINGRICH: No. I don’t see that. (APPLAUSE) New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids to work in the school for the price of one janitor, and those 30 kids would be a lot less likely to drop out. They would actually have money in their pocket. They’d learn to show up for work. They could do light janitorial duty. They’d be getting money, which is a good thing if you’re poor. Only the elites despise earning money.

Now clearly I don’t believe in reincarnation because I’m Catholic and there is NO WAY I’m going to keep coming back to this dump when I should be in heaven wearing a tiara with all the other saints. (Actually I will be the only one with the tiara.) But if reincarnation does exist, and there is any justice in the world, Gingrich is coming back as a poor, black kid who is forced to clean toilets after school, while his fellow classmates participate in extracurricular activities, in order to learn the meaning of getting paid nothing for hard labor.

I didn’t really think I’d post again today since I mistakenly took a non-non-drowsy Zyrtec D and am already starting to feel like someone is forcibly pushing down my on eyelids. But then I saw this powerful new campaign ad from Rick Perry, “Champion,” and nothing else seemed to matter. Only my heart.

(Slate breaks down the hauntingly patriotic imagery here.)

Does anyone else get the feeling that the Perry camp, having completely given up, is now actually making fun of their own candidate? Because this ad is so over the top I actually wanted to go back and watch King of Bain in its entirety just to make myself feel normal again.

As an ongoing service I provide to you free of charge, I have watched something incredibly painful and time-consuming so you don’t have to. This morning I spent 30 minutes of my life—30 minutes that I can NEVER GET BACK unless I figure out how to reverse the spin of the planet and turn back time—watching the anti-Romney documentary, King of Bain: When Mitt Romney Came to Town. This is the “film” produced by the pro-Gingrich super PAC funded by wealthy casino magnate Sheldon Adelson. A casino magnate instructing us on the evils of capitalism. Aren’t they like the worst of the worst? And why has Gingrich accepted money from a casino magnate? I believe gambling is a mortal sin in the eyes of the Catholic church, along with serial infidelity, multiple marriages and not baptizing your baby. Meaning that Gingrich is a triple threat.

I could have put together a better video with stock photos and my iPhone. The documentary opens with rich men smoking cigars and carrying their money around in briefcases (monocle and hairless cat forthcoming). The producers found regular folks who were laid off after their companies were bought and sold by Bain Capital so clearly these people are not going to like Romney. When I got laid off from drkoop.com (good luck staying alive without a health policy reporter, suckers!) I gleefully participated in an anti-Koop documentary where I wept on camera and accused the former surgeon general of wearing women’s underwear.

Like Newt Effing Gingrich is any different, exploiting innocent people’s tragedies for his own political purposes. If he feels so bad for these people why doesn’t he take the $5 million that’s being spent on his campaign in South Carolina and give it to them to help them reclaim their livelihood? Or better yet, he could tap into his own personal wealth of $7 million. Oh, I forgot. It’s Romney who’s the rich heartless capitalist.

I couldn’t believe it when I walked out of my yoga class last night, looked at my phone and saw that Mitt Romney had already been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary. That’s what I get for putting my spiritual health first. I was hoping for at least a little drama. Instead all I could do was watch the post-primary coverage, switching from CNN to FOX to MSNBC and lamenting the sad state of broadcast news. (It’s ridiculist!) I tuned into Newt Gingrich’s speech hoping to see his head explode but he was uncharacteristically calm. As usual I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Callista. I’m dressing as her for Halloween this year if I can convince my husband to go as Newt.

Now it’s on to South Cackalacky where Rick Perry, bolstered by his strong 0.7% showing in New Hampshire, continues to attack Romney for his “get-rich-quick schemes” running Bain Capital by calling him a “vulture capitalist.” That seems redundant from the perspective of a socialist. OH MY GOD PERRY’S A SOCIALIST. What’s next, Occupy Spartanburg? (Count me in.) Perry is banking on his Southern charm to win over voters in the Palmetto state which is like me saying I’m banking on my girlish charm to jump-start my career.

Perry’s pulling out all the stops—eating grits, wearing his custom cowboy boots, thickening his accent—to prove to South Carolinians that he’s just like them. While strolling down the quaint Main Street in Pickens, Perry turned to Anita and said, “Honey, what does this remind you of?” And she said, “Home.” (If this were a Lifetime movie, this would be where Meredith Baxter, playing the role of Anita, would start smiling through her tears as John Tesh played in the background.) Are you KIDDING me? Poor little Main Street reminds you of your million-dollar mansion at home? Please.

As someone who went to school in North Carolina, I can tell you that all these niceties and manners only serve to mask the real person underneath. I can’t tell you how many times a nice young man would open the door for me, nod his head and invite me to a party later that night only to ignore me when I got there because I was wearing flannel.

I’m guessing Perry comes in fifth.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the Catholic church has launched a new marketing campaign called “Catholics Come Home.” When I saw the ad on TV over the weekend I thought, oh Good God, we’re calling the wayward Catholics back? Those two-time Easter-Christmas holiday Catholics? The Judas Catholics? There won’t be enough hosts for everyone! I like having the front pew all to myself in case I need to nap! I also enjoy heckling the priest during the homily, pretending to put money in the offering basket and skipping out right after Communion. But now we’re supposed to welcome the lost sheep back into the fold? WWED? I’ll tell you what EWD. Tell them to go to the Episcopal church down the street, the one that anyone can join.

But let’s face it. Now, more than ever, Catholics need all the help they can get. The two highest profile Catholics in the news are Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich. These are the church’s representatives? (How did Newt get in anyway? Isn’t there some kind of limit on number of annulments?) Santorum especially talks a lot about his lifelong Catholic faith. He has commented that the three pictures hanging in the home of his grandparents as a boy were Jesus, Pope Paul VI and John F. Kennedy. Which is funny because those are the exact same pictures I have in my house, minus Jesus and the pope. Just three pictures of JFK. Naturally Rick was an altar boy. I would have been an altar girl but that wasn’t allowed. Instead I sang in the choir choking back my tears. His family always said grace before meals, which is what we did and I would silently pray that my parents wouldn’t notice I was feeding my dinner to our dog, napkinful by napkinful.

Here’s where Santorum differs from mainstream Catholics: evolution, climate change and, yes, even same-sex marriage and adoption. A few days ago Santorum suggested that a child would be better off with an imprisoned father than with two mothers. I totally agree. You just can’t trust a same-sex couple raising a child as much as you can trust a homicidal maniac.

Is anyone excited about the New Hampshire primary? Mitt Romney’s going to win. (Spoiler.) Apparently everyone’s waiting to see who comes in second—Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman. Who wants to come in second? Have you ever seen the silver medal “winners” at the Olympics? They look like they’re about to kill themselves. And I can’t even begin to imagine how much of a loser you feel like if you come in sixth place. Any state that gives Rick Perry only one percent of the vote DOESN’T DESERVE RICK PERRY. (Incidentally Perry said yesterday that he doesn’t pay more than $25 on haircuts. That’s such bullshit. I pay way more than $25 on my hair and we’ve all seen what I look like.)

Romney’s also leading the pack in South Carolina and Florida. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think that Romney will be the nominee? There’s a good article in Politico today that says that Romney doesn’t have to be the perfect candidate. He just has to be better than all the other yahoos. How hard is that?

Two guys are out camping, when they hear a bear clawing into their tent. The first guy jumps up and starts pulling his shoes on. “Don’t be an idiot,” the second guy says. “You can’t outrun a bear!” “I don’t have to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just have to outrun you.”

I love that joke almost as much as the pope/homeless guy joke. Of course Romney’s lead doesn’t take into account the huge endorsement that Newt Gingrich picked up yesterday. Todd Palin. I would rather be endorsed by Snooki. Todd said he likes Gingrich because he’s not one of those “beltway” types. Oh, Todd. Leave Alaska much?

I spent my weekend watching both Republican debates from New Hampshire. The Sunday morning one was, of course, far too early for me so I recorded it and watched it like three hours later. As I lay on the couch overdosing on Claritin D I also watched Contagion and now refuse to touch anything without my hazmat suit on. (Yes, I have one.) Soon I will be the only person left on earth and cannot wait to go through all your personal belongings.

My insightful drug-induced commentary on the debates is up on the Observer.

Voters were treated to not one but two Republican presidential debates in roughly 10 hours—one on Saturday night, the other on Sunday morning. In both debates, Rick Perry was relegated to the far end of the stage in Siberia territory, traditionally reserved for the likes of Jon Huntsman and Michele Bachmann. That said, Rick Santorum used to be in Perry’s position and now he’s front and center thanks to his strong showing in Iowa. Perry, who entered the presidential race strong, is unlikely to see center stage again.

I felt a little bad about Perry’s positioning. The few times he did speak I could have sworn it was a voice off-stage. You never want to be on the end. That’s where the losers go. I was fortunate enough to always be in the center of our cheerleading formation since I was an 85-pound climber. The medium-sized girls—the ones not small or stupid enough to be climbers and the ones not strong enough to be bases—were always on the end. Sometimes I wonder where they are now.

The big news today is about Mitt Romney saying that he likes firing people. Campaigning in New Hampshire this morning he argued that people should be able to buy their own health insurance. In that context he said, “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me. If someone doesn’t give me the good service I need, I’m going to go get somebody else to provide that service to me.” Not that I understand it in that context either but I’m guessing it’s never a good idea to say you like being able to fire people.

Naturally Perry is all over this: “Now I have no doubt that Mitt Romney was worried about pink slips—whether he was going to have enough of them to hand out because his company Bain Capital with all the jobs that they killed, I’m sure he was worried that he’d run out of pink slips.” Perry knows of what he speaks, having laid off roughly one billion teachers in the state of Texas in the past year.

At a campaign stop in Spartanburg, Perry said, looking over at Anita, “I’ve got all the people that love me that I need. Her, Jesus and my family.” STOP SAYING THAT JESUS IS SUPPORTING YOU. YOU’RE REALLY PISSING HIM OFF.

There will be not one but TWO Republican debates from New Hampshire this weekend—one on Saturday night and the other on Sunday morning. You might think this is overkill but you have no idea what could happen in the less than 12 hours between these debates. And since I can’t sleep anyway because of my allergies (like you can sleep while your body tries to slowly suffocate you) I will most likely pull an all-nighter. I assume if there’s no Starbucks open my gold card will allow me to open the door and make myself a latte and steal one of their scones-on-steroids. Although he’s not campaigning in New Hampshire, Perry will make an appearance at the debates which is awfully brave of him since his last visit went so well. No word yet on whether he’ll come sober or outfitted in his jogging attire and tights.

It’s clear that Mitt Romney will win in New Hampshire. You’ve got to feel for Jon Huntsman who has been there for like the past year and is still only polling at around eight percent. That’s like dating a guy for five years and investing all that time in the relationship and then instead of getting a ring he dumps you for someone else leaving you with nothing. How humiliating. But I was rather surprised to see Romney ahead in South Carolina. What, has the state recently experienced a huge influx of Mormons? According to the new CNN poll he’s polling at 37 percent. Meanwhile Perry’s at five percent. Good God. It’s time to reassess that non-reassessment of your campaign. But maybe Perry can turn it around with a couple of stellar debate performances this weekend. Yes. That’s the punchline.

I started my day today like most days—way too late, trying to interpret the dreams I had last night (why does the fate of the world always rest in my hands?) and wondering about Rick Perry’s motives. Why would he basically hint at dropping out of the race only to go jogging the next morning and change his mind? I’ve gone jogging before and the only thing I’ve changed my mind about is going jogging. I’m not the only one obsessing over this. Nate Silver over at FiveThirtyEight came up with two hypothetical scenarios.

The first one basically says that Perry decided to ignore everyone’s advice and stay in the race, hoping to redeem himself in South Carolina. His second theory is that Perry’s advisers, top donors and conservative activists urged him to keep going. I suppose each of these scenarios has its own merit but may I suggest another. Perry stayed in the race because he has NOTHING BETTER TO DO. What’s he supposed to do? Come back to Texas and pretend to govern? Perry, Gingrich and Santorum will be fighting each other for the conservative vote. Perry’s only hope is that evangelicals still hate Catholics as much as they hate Mormons, if not more. (As someone who went to school in Carolina’s upper house, if you will, I stayed away from South Carolina for fear that I would be discriminated against for my faith and that I might start talking like them.)

Don’t get me wrong. I think Perry has a very good shot at making a comeback, assuming that Romney, Gingrich, Paul and Santorum all decide to go skydiving together and their parachutes don’t open.

Rick Perry has officially lost his shit which means that I’ve been losing my shit since I started working on my Observer column. I wrote my first draft yesterday before the caucuses—Perry comes in 5th, heads to South Carolina—and then did a complete rewrite following his surprise announcement last night—Perry to reassess campaign, likely to drop out—and then had to edit it again this morning—Perry campaign tweet says he’s back in! Here’s my final draft over at The Observer. I think they ended up going with my first headline, Perry Officially Loses His Shit.

You can’t “reassess” something in a matter of hours. As far as I know, Herman Cain’s still “reassessing” his campaign. You’ve got to at least take a few days to make it look like you’re putting some thought into it. I’m still reassessing my job prospects which either gives people the impression that I’m taking my career very seriously or that I’m a total lazy ass.

Speaking of the tweet heard round the twittersphere, it came from @GovernorPerry accompanied by a photo of Perry dressed as Aquaman. And the next leg of the marathon is the Palmetto State…Here we come South Carolina!!!